Hard Fall Read online

  I did need to watch my language, but beyond that, I thought I’d done a pretty good job considering I had no idea what I was doing. Of course, Hadley would find a way to shit on my parade, no doubt about it. She’d been busting my balls since the first time we laid eyes on each other, and while it made me laugh over the years, it was different now. We had to find a way to work together, live together, and raise these kids together. Because I’d be damned if I let her take them. I might not know all the ins and outs of raising kids, but I’d always planned on having a family someday, and I wanted to do every single thing I could for Ben’s kids.

  I woke up a little after seven that morning and heard noise downstairs so I figured everyone else was awake too. I felt a twinge of guilt that I hadn’t set an alarm and since I’d shut the guest room door, I hadn’t heard anything that would wake me either. Hadley and I needed to talk about all of this.

  I left the guest room and found Hadley in the family room, walking back and forth, Benny whimpering in her arms.

  “What’s going on?” I asked her.

  “He’s teething,” she said, without glancing up. “He’s been miserable since last night. I’ve been up with him since about four.”

  “Why didn’t you wake me?”

  She shrugged. “You played and traveled yesterday. I figured you needed to sleep.”

  “I did. Thanks. I’ll take overnight duty tonight.”

  “That would be great. I feel like I haven’t slept in weeks.”

  Benny started to whine and I reached out to stroke his cheek with one finger. “Can’t we give him baby Tylenol or something?”

  She chewed her lip. “I didn’t want to until I had a chance to talk to the pediatrician.”

  “I know for sure they did it with Annalise because I used to laugh at the faces she made when Lauren stuck that thing in her mouth to squeeze it in there.”

  “Do you know if we have any?”

  “Top shelf in the cabinet in the master bath.”

  She looked surprised I would know such a thing, but handed Benny to me and headed upstairs. Benny settled against my chest, sniffling a little. Hopefully, the Tylenol would help him relax and we could get some time to make breakfast. He still didn’t sleep more than six or seven hours at a time, so I’d been trying to keep him up until about eleven or midnight. That way, we’d be able to sleep until around six, which was when Annalise usually woke up, but I didn’t know what Hadley had been doing while I was gone.

  “Have you been keeping him up a little later?” I asked her. “It really helps when—”

  Hadley fixed me with one of those stares that probably made most men’s balls shrivel up and recede so far north they’re never seen again, but then she filled up the little squeezy thing you used to squirt medicine into the baby’s mouth.

  “His bedtime is seven,” she said primly, handing me the medicine dropper.

  I gave her a look of exasperation. “Fine. Then you get up for the day with him at two in the freakin’ morning every day.”

  “What?” she demanded, narrowing her eyes.

  Benny took that moment to turn his head in distaste as I tried to give him the medicine and sticky pink liquid dripped down my arm.

  “Can you hold his head?” I asked. “If he doesn’t take this, no one is sleeping again until he’s done teething.”

  We finally got the proper amount into his mouth and I did my best to wipe up the medicine that had escaped.

  “If you keep him up later, he’ll sleep later. He sleeps about seven hours at a time, tops, so if you put him to bed at seven, he’ll be up at two.”

  “But Lauren said he was a great sleeper,” she said, suddenly looking away.

  “Maybe he’s reacting to the new routine, new people, new everything,” I said gently. “Let’s just try it my way and see what happens, okay?”

  “I haven’t slept since you’ve been gone so whatever works,” she muttered.

  “We might need to consider hiring help,” I said after a moment.

  “Help?” She looked horrified.

  “We both work. Benny needs full-time care and Annalise is only in school three times a week for four hours. Lauren was a stay-at-home mom, so you can’t expect to do everything she did.”

  She glared at me, and I figured she was gearing up for a good ass-reaming just as Annalise came skipping into the room. “Uncle Wes!” She threw her arms around my legs as if she hadn’t seen me in years instead of four days.

  “Hey, Princess Peas.” I settled Benny in his high chair, hoping he’d chill long enough for us to eat.

  “You lost last night,” she announced, as if I didn’t know.

  I nodded. “You can’t win them all, kiddo.” I rummaged around in the cupboard until I found the box of Froot Loops Annalise and I had been eating the first couple of days I’d been here on my own.

  “Froot Woops!” She wiggled her whole body in excitement. “I love Froot Woops!”

  “Froot Loops,” Hadley corrected her. “And you are not eating that junk for breakfast.”

  Annalise’s face fell. “But Uncle Wes said so.”

  Hadley turned to give me a death glare and I arched my brows at her, almost daring her to be the bad guy. She was pretty adorable when she was mad, though, so it was fun to piss her off. Well, if I was honest, she was always adorable, but the minute she opened her mouth I forgot all about her upturned nose, full red lips or mile-long eyelashes. Even without makeup and with faint bags under her eyes from lack of sleep, she was truly gorgeous.

  Too bad she hated my fucking guts.

  That was okay, though. This was about the kids and she had another think coming if she thought I was walking away. I was in this for the long haul and she could stick around and help or I’d figure it out on my own. There was zero chance I would let Ben and Lauren down, no matter what Miss Prissy-Pants thought of me.

  “We should talk,” she said after a moment, handing Benny a bottle.

  “I figured we’d make breakfast and then I’d take Annalise to school. When I get back, we can sit down and have some adult conversation.”

  “Fine.” She turned her back to me as I poured two bowls of cereal for Annalise and me.

  * * *

  I had a feeling Hadley would be in a hell of a mood by the time I got back after dropping off Annalise, but she was sitting on the couch sipping a cup of coffee and watching Benny in his swing. The Tylenol must have worked because he was gurgling happily, a teething ring in his mouth.

  “He seems much happier,” I said.

  “Definitely.”

  I sank onto the chair across from her and met her gaze over the rim of her cup.

  “So, uh, how many days are you home?” she asked.

  “I leave on a road trip Tuesday morning, so the next five days gives us some time to figure out what we’re going to do.”

  “Well, there’s no doubt what we’re going to do,” she said dismissively. “Obviously, you can’t take care of the kids with your schedule, so I’m going to.”

  “That’s why I suggested we hire a nanny,” I said patiently.

  She squinted a little. “I hate to use the money Ben and Lauren left us for that kind of thing, but you might be right. Once we sell the house, I’ll be able to—”

  “Sell the house? What the hell are you talking about? Why would we do that?”

  “Because I’ll need the money to buy something in New York.”

  “We can’t move to New York.” I frowned at her when she rolled her eyes at me.

  “We can’t, but I can. I plan to move back eventually. Once I’ve gotten the hang of this parenting thing and—”

  “Okay, slow your fucking roll.” I held up a hand.

  “Watch your language.”

  “He’s not going to repeat it, geez.” I looked at her questioningly. “When did we decide that you’re going to be the one raising the kids?”

  She laughed, though it was pretty humorless. “I think that’s a given, Wes. How ar
e you going to take care of them with your travel schedule and practice, and everything else that goes into being a professional athlete?”

  “You’re here.”

  “My job is in New York, so even though I’m working remotely for now, eventually I have to get back to my life. And going forward, that’s going to include Benny and Annalise. You and I will settle everything here and probably by summer, the kids and I will move back to New York City.”

  Her words were like a punch to the gut. There was zero chance she was taking those kids away from me, and I’d use every resource available to me to stop her.

  “Over my dead body.” I folded my arms across my chest.

  She fixed me with another icy stare, but it wasn’t cute or hot this time. These kids had been left to me just as much as they had her, and I wasn’t giving them up. “Surely you’re joking,” she said finally.

  “Not even a little. They wanted us to raise them, not you or me individually.”

  “No, they wanted us to decide which of us would be best suited to raise them, and quite frankly, that’s me.”

  “Why? Because you have breasts and a vagina?”

  She flushed. “No, because you work crazy hours and travel.”

  “From what I’ve heard, you work eighteen-hour days during Fashion Week and all kinds of other big events, you travel all over the world doing photo shoots and whatever, and Lauren even said once that you work more hours than Ben and she worried about you.”

  “I’m single and on the verge of big things with my career,” she snapped. “So yeah, I work hard. But now I’ve got the responsibility of these kids so things have to change.”

  “Yeah, you have to find a way to settle down here in St. Louis.”

  She blew out a breath. “Wes, how can we possibly do this together?”

  “I don’t know, but we have to try because this isn’t negotiable. I’m not giving them up.”

  “Well, neither am I.” She lifted her chin a notch.

  Her chest was rising and falling a little fast and I couldn’t help but notice that she had a spectacular rack. She’d always been such a freakin’ pain in my ass over the years, I’d never even bothered to look most of the time. It was hard not to now that we were living in the same house together, though, and I figured the view was a nice reward for all the ballbusting I put up with from her.

  “Wes, I haven’t slept more than three hours at a time in five days. I’m tired, stressed, and still grieving. Maybe we should put this conversation on hold for a while. I just don’t have it in me to bicker with you right now.”

  “Okay.” I quirked a smile at her. “I’m really not a bad guy, Hadley.”

  She turned to me with wide hazel eyes, something inscrutable lurking behind them. “I never knew anything could hurt this much.”

  There went all the wind in my sails.

  I nodded, absently running a hand through my short hair. “Me either.”

  “Let’s try not to fight in front of the kids, okay? Mostly Annalise, because she hears everything.”

  “Deal.”

  She paused, cocking her head a little so that the sunlight coming in from outside glinted on her dark hair, giving it an auburn glow and making me imagine what it would feel like to run my fingers through it.

  “You, uh, think a nanny’s a good idea?”

  “I do. Someone who can help out during the day and occasionally on weekends so we can both work. I have practices, workouts, team meetings, and of course games, and depending on how many hours you work, you can’t do your thing all day and then take on every detail of running the house too.”

  Hadley looked thoughtful. “Is there money for that?”

  “There’s plenty of money. The house is paid for, and I’ll take over paying utilities and such. That way, most of the money goes into trusts for the kids.”

  She nodded. “I don’t make nearly what you do, of course, but I do okay so—”

  “No, I’ve got this, Hadley. You’re taking on a big portion of the responsibility when I have to travel, so let me handle the bills. Including the nanny. That makes all of our lives easier, you know?”

  “Okay.” She slowly nodded. “That’s reasonable. How about we give this new situation a couple of months and revisit this conversation again then?”

  “Sure.”

  “But there have to be some ground rules.”

  I groaned.

  “No bimbos in the house. No puck bunnies, prostitutes, whatever—”

  “Prostitutes?!” I narrowed my eyes at her. “Jesus fucking Christ, what kind of asshole do you think I am? First of all, I have never had to pay for sex in my life, thank you very much. And second, I fucking love these kids! You think I’d bring someone like that to the home where we all live?” I got to my feet, glaring at her. “Well, I have news for you, lady—that’s some bullshit right there. You don’t have to like me, but don’t you ever accuse me of doing something that might negatively impact these kids!” I was hot, and not in a good way.

  “Wes, I’m sorry. I—” She was still talking, but I raised a hand to stop her as I stalked from the room. A minute later, I slammed the door to the garage behind me. I needed to cool off before I said something I’d regret.

  She still pissed me right off, regularly, and it never got easier to deal with her.

  I stood in the garage, resting my hands on the now empty work bench Ben had used to work on little projects when he had time. And that’s when the envelope caught my eye. I’d stashed the letter Ben had left me there until I was ready to read it, and if there was ever a time, it was now.

  Plucking it from the table, I ripped open the envelope and slowly unfolded the paper. This was going to hurt, but I had to get it over with. I needed my best friend more than I ever had in my life and this was essentially the last time I’d ever talk to him. Even if it was a one-sided conversation.

  * * *

  Dear Wes,

  If you’re reading this, I’m dead, and so is Lauren. It’s hard as hell to even think about that happening, but at least she and I are together.

  I know we shocked you by leaving Annalise (and more kids, if we have them) to you and Hadley. Lauren and I went back and forth a lot over whether we should ask you guys, or choose just one of you, but this is the only thing that feels right to us.

  Do your best. You think your best isn’t good enough, but it is. I know this is asking a lot of you, and maybe you’ll decide our kids need to be with Hadley. If you do, I know it’ll be the right decision. Just stay in their lives forever. Help them, or Annalise if it’s just her, know who their dad was. Teach them how to play hockey, and how to throw a punch. Help them be happy, if you can. Walk my daughter down the aisle someday.

  You’re the brother I never had. I know who you really are, and that’s why I know this decision is right. I want you to have a good life. Do all the things I won’t be able to. Thanks for being my wingman. I love you.

  Ben

  * * *

  For the first time since the night of the accident, I sobbed.

  Chapter Six

  Hadley

  I could be too much sometimes. Several men I’d been in relationships with had said that about me. Too skeptical, too direct and too suspicious. If there were a Hadley Ellis relationship exit interview, those would be the top three reasons men cited for either breaking up with me or being at least a little relieved when I ended things with them.

  The qualities that made me a less than ideal girlfriend in men’s eyes, though, had helped me climb the corporate ladder at Willow quickly. Since starting as an entry-level writer fresh out of college seven years ago, I’d gotten several promotions and was now an associate editor.

  I’d been in this role for nearly a year, and the list of responsibilities had grown longer in that time. My boss, Liz Cromwell, was…well, not very receptive to the word “no.” She also left no doubt about her stance on things.

  “Listen, Hadley, I need another story about organizing a
fucking home office like I need a third tit,” she said over the speaker on the phone in Ben’s study, where I’d set up my computer at the desk to work. “Give me something fresh or don’t give me anything at all.”

  “I totally understand, Liz. Another submission that came in through the general submissions email was for a story about making your own soaps and scrubs at home. The pitch was polished and well written.”

  “Ugh, fuck that. I’m trying to sell products for our advertisers, not encourage readers to cheap out and make their own. Next.”

  I moved down my list of pitches, cringing as I heard Annalise screaming and running down the hallway right outside the office, Wes making what I thought were supposed to be bear noises as he chased her.

  “Best destinations for solo vacations.” I recited the line from my list, not bothering to talk it up. Liz would either reluctantly accept it or dramatically pass on it, as was her style.

  “Hmm…could be good,” she said.

  “We could make it into a package and include lists about the best things to pack when vacationing alone, and maybe an advice column on how to ask your boss for time off when you need a break.”

  “I’ll put it on the budget for May.”

  “Great.”

  “What else? We’re doing that big photo shoot in Fiji for the July cover, so I need some stories that will fit the vibe.”

  “And the vibe is…?” I asked. “Tropical and exotic?”

  “Right, pretty much.”

  I considered some ideas that I thought would play up the theme. “How about ways to channel tropical islands from the comfort of home? We can do some fun drink and appetizer recipes, maybe a piece on making a small patio into an oasis with the right plants, outdoor furniture and lighting, and some recommendations on sunglasses, swimsuits and self-tanners.”