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  “Mmm,” I chewed and then swallowed. “This is really good.”

  “It looks good,” Olivia smiled.

  “What about yours?” I asked.

  “Oh, it's great. You can try some if you’d like.”

  “Okay,” I said, sliding the other half of my sandwich over to her. “You can try mine.”

  She eyed me, putting her sandwich down to reach over and try mine instead.

  “Mmm,” she rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Okay, I'm just gonna stop ordering things. You’re much better at it.”

  “I could always order for you from now on,” I said.

  “That might be a good idea,” she laughed at herself.

  “What do you think about going down to the hotel pool tonight? It’s indoor and heated. I love swimming but I don’t get to do it enough. Maybe we can persuade Nat to come with us for a while. I know she’ll have a ridiculous early call-time but a swim will make her fall asleep faster.”

  Olivia cleared her throat, eyes stuck on the half of sandwich I’d loaned her. “That sounds nice,” she said. “I love swimming.”

  “Awesome, then we can finish up here and go pick up Nat. I think I might stop next door and bring her a smoothie.”

  I knew she would appreciate it after the kind of day she had and the cold would soothe her throat and maybe numb it a bit. It was even better than tea.

  “Sounds good,” Olivia nodded. If I didn’t know any better, I might think she’d already gone away.

  12

  (Olivia)

  Everything was happening so quickly today. The man on the plane, our conversation, the way I felt so right with myself and then sick and upset.

  Then things with Avery were a confusing back and forth. I found myself wanting her to give me something and I knew that was stupid but I felt that she wanted to.

  We got back to the hotel. Natalie was so happy to see me but I couldn’t clear my throat enough. I couldn’t escape the burning heat in my chest. And when she touched me I knew I was stupid for coming because I still wanted her so much and my skin rippled with goosebumps.

  “Damn Olivia, you look hot. I forgot.”

  “Shut up,” I laughed, tugging a towel around myself. My nipples were glass and it wasn’t cold in the hotel. I was just stupid and desperate, bodily confused from being so close to this girl.

  Avery’s eyes caught mine, trying to hide. She kept smiling, making me feel like I shouldn’t be afraid.

  “Alright, I’m goin’,” Nat said, taking Avery’s hand and tugging on her to be ready already.

  “Okay,” I said, licking my lips and watching them hurry off to the door.

  I pulled my purse to me, the book of Avery’s I’d been reading, and my phone, incase I needed to be busy again.

  They were gone from the room and I lingered. I wanted to find a reason to stay away from them. Truth was, they were killing me here.

  I took a minute in the room to loudly breathe and try and settle myself. I shut my eyes.

  “It’s gonna be okay,” I said, to myself. “It’s gonna be okay.”

  I flexed my fingers and tightened them. Then I hung my purse from its strap and left the room, turning the light off as I went to find them.

  Outside the elevator, Nat had Avery pinned up against the wall and she was kissing her.

  My feet stopped. My eyes seeing something I knew I should’ve anticipated but couldn’t fathom until now.

  Nat leaned into her, Avery’s arms surrounded her lower half and when they kissed deeply they both slipped in and out of smiling. Small murmurs of happiness.

  My chest tightened more and a huff of air left me.

  The ding of the elevator made me jump.

  They laughed together as Nat pulled Avery inside the motion box.

  “OLIVIA!”

  I heard Nat call.

  “Uh. Coming,” I said, speeding up to not be left.

  I got into the lift and immediately pressed my body back into a wall. Nat and Avery were like newlyweds. I shut my eyes and hoped the elevator would get to its floor a lot faster than what was physically possible.

  I only ventured to open my eyes when I heard the ding of the elevator and the large metal door moving open again.

  We walked out into the hall and followed the signs. Avery and Nat kept whispering to each other. They had inside jokes. I didn’t know what they were talking about. They seemed happy though and that was probably good.

  When we got to the pool I found a lounge chair and laid my towel down.

  I sat for a moment, taking my book out.

  “Uhhh, no, come on,” Nat said, taking the book away and dropping it down.

  She tugged me up by my wrist and I followed after her, feet slowing once she let me go.

  “You’re awfully quiet tonight,” Natalie noted.

  “Just tired,” I said.

  “Yeah, I know you. It’s not that.”

  They walked into the pool and I chose instead to slowly get in the hot-tub. There were other people around but something told me for a few secret looks that they knew a few of them. It was all pretty calm.

  Avery swam a little and then she and Nat started to play with each other, getting ontop of each other’s shoulders, splashing a lot, laughing even more.

  I laid my arms down on the lip of the tile and watched, wondering what that must be like to be so happy and have someone love you so much.

  Avery’s book had really gotten me tangled. I’d been wet since the plane but that book had me unraveling in a different way. Their voices set me off, their eyes, their faces.

  When they came close to me I sat back and shut my eyes to try and keep from giving all my feelings away.

  “Fuck. It’s hot,” Nat laughed.

  “Yeah, it’s a hot tub,” Avery teased.

  “Shhh! Get over here.”

  I could hear them canoodling.

  “Stop,” Avery laughed. It was the kind of stop that meant: mmm, don’t stop.

  “Why are you wearing these,” I heard Nat whisper.

  I slipped my eye open and noticed them kissing.

  This was gonna be fucking hard. Why did I think I could stay here like this?

  “Hey, you doing okay?” Avery asked me.

  She untangled herself from Nat but had to stop when Nat pulled her back a little. She rolled her eyes and came closer to me.

  “I swear you're like a little sex machine,” Avery teased Nat.

  “Who you callin’ little?” Nat teased.

  “I’m good,” I said, watching them openly.

  I took a breath in and looked away, moving to stare out at the pool water and the people swimming nearby.

  Nat’s sweet love whispers wandered inside of my ears and traveled deep down inside my body. I shut my eyes and remembered what it was like, how it felt to be on that receiving end.

  “So, Livia. I see that you’ve been reading Name in Lights. How’s that goin’ for ya?”

  She was baiting me.

  “It’s really good,” I said.

  “Yeah, and?”

  “And, I really really like it,” I said.

  “Woman of many words,” Nat teased, staring over at me. She knew more than anyone that I could talk about one book for several days without stopping.

  I looked away, not wanting to get into it now. It’d be one thing if Nat and I were alone, but we obviously weren’t.

  I'd already told her how I still felt about her and she hadn't a care in the world, which was actually hurting me.

  Our one night together a few weeks ago was beginning to lose a huge piece of its meaning.

  “We had a nice afternoon just hanging out and reading. We also found a decent sandwich place. We should go there again,” Avery diverted.

  “Sounds sweet,” Nat said, but I could still hear her kissing Avery’s skin. My mind filled up with it, unable to concentrate on anything else.

  “I forgot how nice it was to read in the same space with someone,” Avery said.


  “Awww,” Natalie cooed. “I guess reading my lines doesn't actually count. It's been awhile huh?”

  “I'm too distracted by your nearness to really get into a book when you're reading scripts,” Avery confessed.

  My face wasn't in their view and I found myself visibly rolling my eyes.

  If the whole trip was gonna be like this, I couldn't do it.

  I turned and sat back down, facing them bravely. “It's nice in here,” I lied.

  “It is. We haven't come down here a lot yet but maybe we will now. As long as no one recognizes Nat,” Avery said.

  Vancouver wasn't a crazy busy space. And we were kind of on the outskirts here near the more hidden houses and the trees.

  “We can always get a house or something,” I suggested. “I'm thinking of staying a while. Maybe traveling a little. I'll need a car too.”

  “That would be nice! I love house shopping and that means more privacy than here. You'd think they would have put us in one of the other hotels that actually has a bunch of film and tv people,” Avery commented.

  “They're probably booked.” Nat kissed Avery’s neck and hugged all her limbs around Avery's body, keeping her. “Most people just get houses. We just haven't been secure enough to want to.”

  “Understandable,” I said. They cancel projects all the time. Big money backers pull out, scandals happen, I knew it all well. It wasn't too far from my line of work.

  No wonder Avery loathed the rich.

  My own mind was searing at the thought of having to sleep in the same room while these two pawed all over each other like this.

  “It's not a bad idea though. If you wanna look into it,” Nat said. “These things always come and go. I try not to get bogged down in details but you're right, a house for the month would be better. Especially when I’m just on call.”

  “I'll figure it out,” I said. My motives weren’t like Avery’s. My goal wasn’t to impress or further please Natalie.

  I moved to get out of the water and start a cursory search.

  “Hey, where you going?” Nat asked.

  “It’s really hot,” I blushed.

  Her eyes followed me up and out of the tub.

  I heard them whisper as I walked off. The back of my neck was burning with the weight of their gaze.

  Water dripped as I got to my chair and sat down.

  What was I doing?

  I felt dead inside, yet, more alive than I’d ever been. They needed alone time and I needed to be away from them while they were catching up.

  I pulled my nail up to my mouth to bite it. Soon as it was between my teeth I remembered it was a fake nail and not my own. Old habits from my freshman year of high school were randomly coming back. The reason I started getting fake nails was to stop myself from biting the real ones.

  I flexed my hands and opened Avery’s book back up, getting back to my spot. They could do what they were doing and I’d just be over here, ready to hang out and talk should they ever find they wanted to do that.

  Pretty soon I was laying back and comfortable, corners of the books pages had gotten wet from my touching of them. Page after page, I devoured Avery’s heated scenes.

  I didn’t have time to think about how it might be wrong to be imagining them as the characters.

  Out of nowhere, Natalie’s body came and plopped down next to mine. The movement was jarring. I instinctively sat up. Arms swum around my midsection as she pulled me back against her wet form. “You’re being antisocial,” she teased.

  “Sorry,” I said, attempting to lay back and just relax.

  My eyes stuck on the book as I grew comfortable again.

  Natalie’s skin moved beneath mine. She pet my hair and just breathed me.

  “You feel nice baby,” she soothed.

  “Thanks,” I said, being still and just trying to remain unaffected.

  Inside myself, of course, I was swimming in feelings.

  “You guys want anything to drink? I'm gonna go in and find something,” Avery called.

  “Sure,” Nat said.

  “Yes please.” I pulled the book down and looked over at her.

  “What do you want?” Avery asked.

  “Whatever you're having,” I said.

  “You know what I like, baby,” Nat rested, holding me.

  All that kissing must've tuckered them out. I wouldn't know about that.

  “Okay, be back soon,” Avery said.

  “Mmm,” Natalie hummed. “I forgot what it's like to hold you.”

  “You're sweet,” I said. “How was your day?”

  “Um,” she started to laugh. “Predictable mess.”

  “I feel dumb for coming out,” I said. “I wanted to be with you. I didn't think it would be this agony in the time away.”

  “Agony, huh?”

  “Sorry,” I said.

  “Don't apologize,” she muttered. “If it's how you feel; it's how you feel.”

  “I've no right to feel this way,” I reminded.

  “I don't care about right,” Natalie said. “Now come on, what do you really think,” She whispered. She used a hand to tug on the book I'd nearly forgotten about.

  “Oh,” I laughed, flushing. “It’s really good,” I looked back at her. Soon as I'd done it I knew I was dumb for giving myself that confidence. “You know I love it.”

  “She's got balls,” Nat said.

  “No kidding,” I mumbled. Avery seemed to have it all.

  “Jealous?”

  “A lot actually.”

  “About this?” Nat asked, shaking my wrist on the hand that was holding the book.

  “This,” I nodded. “You,” I expanded it.

  “Oh, come on. You're being dramatic. You forget what we were like.”

  “I didn't forget anything, actually.”

  “I always thought that you moved on and were happy.”

  “Nope,” I said, scared to talk about that. If she asked the right questions I might go there. But, right now, I was just trying to feel something again and fix myself.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Not really,” I said.

  “Baby,” she nearly whispered, easily worried about me.

  “It isn't your fault or your problem but for some reason you still make me feel something good so I came to feel something and be close to you since nothing else makes me feel anything good.”

  Nat sighed and hugged my body a little tighter.

  “You never called me back,” she whispered.

  “I'm sorry,” I said, tears threatening. She used to call every now and then, leave me long detailed messages, tell me she missed me and she wasn't mad.

  After a while she stopped trying. Just Facebook birthdays and the occasional like on my Instagram.

  “Don't be sorry, baby. I know this is probably hard.”

  She had no idea…

  “I'm just happy you know you can come to me,” she said.

  “You don't have to be nice to me.”

  “I do love you, Olivia. I never stopped.”

  My stomach clenched.

  “I love you too,” I said, taking the first chance I had to finally say it back.

  “You used to be unable to say that,” Nat remembered.

  “Scared and dumb,” I reminded. A stupid animal unaware of understanding what I really wanted and when I was safe.

  “I missed you,” she said.

  “I think about you all the time,” I confessed.

  “Yea?”

  “Mhmm. Like when I’m confused or sad or when I feel alone… But then I think about how I hurt you.”

  She thread her fingers with mine and felt my palm.

  The fact that she remained silent meant I was probably right in staying away.

  “I’ve got two vodka and sodas for me and Olivia and one dirty martini for my lady,” Avery said, walking out to the side table, hands full.

  I sat up to help her by taking something to give her some room.