Audible Hallucinations: A Free Spirit's Journey In Discovering WHOSE She Really Is Read online

  AUDIBLE HALLUCINATIONS

  A Free Spirit’s Journey In Discovering WHOSE She Really Is

  Betsy Meredith Hudgens

  Copyright © 2012 All Rights Reserved

  ISBN 9781469965611

  No portion of this book is to be copied, duplicated, transmitted, or otherwise used without the written permission of the author.

  Jason, I love you. You are a leader, protector, provider and teacher. Among these attributes, you make me laugh like no other. I am so glad I married you. To my sisters... you know who you are! I sincerely thank you for all that you have taught me.

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  Foreword

  Chapter 1: Screaming "Uncle!" 1

  Chapter 2: The Starting Point 5

  Chapter 3: Foundation for the Miraculous 9

  Chapter 4: The Tire Story 15

  Chapter 5: An Undeniable “Sign” 19

  Chapter 6: A Miracle from Germany 25

  Chapter 7: The College Journey 31

  Chapter 8: Birky Place 37

  Chapter 9: Our Furry Escape Artist 45

  Chapter 10: Surgeries Galore 53

  Chapter 11: The Mulberry Tree 63

  Chapter 12: Spiritually Constipated 67

  Chapter 13: Drivable Miracles 75

  Chapter 14: Close Calls 85

  Chapter 15: Up, Up, and Away! 93

  Chapter 16: Now It All Makes Sense 99

  Acknowledgements 111

  FOREWORD

  This book is written for individuals who are still questioning their value on a universal level and would benefit from real life examples of miraculous encounters.

  Do you matter? Does God care about you as an individual, or are you solely part of a larger plan? Will your prayers be answered, even if they are for seemingly irrelevant aspects of your life?

  While this book is by no means the final authority on these questions, it will hopefully point you in the right direction, give you a few new tools, and inspire you to simply make room for the possibility for supernatural moments, in all aspects of your life and settle your heart; thus bringing you peace in the process.

  CHAPTER 1

  SCREAMING “UNCLE!”

  So, here I am sitting at Panera, my favorite breakfast place, on December 28, 2011, eating my daily chocolate chip bagel. I have found myself in quite an interesting emotional and spiritual predicament. I have been on a journey for more than a decade trying to understand who and/or what God is, if He exists, if He cares about people, and better yet, if he cares about ME as an individual. I put that issue to rest in my heart long ago as I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that on a very large universal level, my existence matters, there is a plan, and God does love me. However, there is a deeper set of questions now at play, which leads me to my “interesting predicament.”

  After a recent, and deeply painful relationship fallout, I have once again been left feeling like I am constantly screwing up, don’t really matter to people, am not worth fighting for, and cause more pain in people’s lives than I bring joy and blessings to them. While I know on paper that this isn’t true, my personal history has reinforced this belief over and over. It has created quite a quandary in my heart. Last week, as I was sitting and journaling, throwing an internal tantrum and otherwise feeling sorry for myself, I had this weird feeling that I needed to reach out to a friend in Florida, who I have not seen in nearly twenty years, but have had some contact with via social media sites. As I began to hear her heart, I saw my own heart and passion come out as I was telling her how awesome God is and how He wants to love her, have an opportunity to reveal Himself to her, and prove that she matters to Him. I started sharing stories with her about times when either I had no other choice or simply chose to surrender something to God and every time He came through. It seemed to make a difference for her and on a bigger level, I had an “Ah hah” moment.

  I have seen consistent miracles in every area of my life, except in relationships. While pondering why this is the case, I have realized that I haven’t ever really given Him a chance. I tend to try too hard to fix things myself, lose my temper, get vindictive, manipulative, write people off, stay bitter, and give up. That hasn’t served the reconciliation process well, to say the least. I seemingly have the opposite problem that many have. I know, with certainty, that I am adored by God, but struggle to believe that people share His sentiments. So, just know as you are embarking on the possibilities for miracles, I too am in a place of seeking a Divine intervention. For once in my life, I am choosing to stay still and let God be God in this area and let Him bring what He knows is needed to heal all of the wounds from all of the past relationship disappointments, not just this most recent one.

  On Christmas morning 2011, I woke up with a very odd “knowing” that I needed to start writing. I’ve had multiple people over the years tell me that I need to write a book, but it never made sense until now. I realized that I could either stay in my pity party or do a couple of things. First, I could start sharing my personal stories of crazy miracle moments to help others find strength and understand that if they simply surrender their challenges and give God a chance to show up, He will, and in a mind-blowing way. Second, I could follow my own advice, surrender, and let God teach me how to walk with Him in relationships, and trust that He will both break the destructive relationship cycles by healing my deepest wounds and bring the right people for me to share relationships with. I am done replaying years worth of conversations in my head. I am done trying to use my intellect to understand the matters of the heart. I am going to move forward reflecting on what He has already done and allow the stories that follow to reinforce both His ability and willingness to come through in any situation … including broken relationships with His other broken and imperfect kids. I scream out the metaphoric signal for surrender, “UNCLE!”

  CHAPTER 2

  THE STARTING POINT

  First of all, I am no theologian and make no claim of having this all figured out. These are simply my experiences and the truths that I have come to KNOW and understand during my journey. Though I am a Christian believer, and embrace biblical verses, it is my full belief that anyone, in any place and in any predicament, can surrender and see miracles and have a Divine experience that will settle issues in their heart concerning God’s existence, set them on a specific path towards a relationship with Him, and reveal the purpose of their life. No matter your background, financial status, color, religion, or sexual preference, you can have a miraculous encounter that will change your life in a positive way, forever. God should be allowed to be God and He needs to be able to reach you on a level that He knows you will embrace and understand. He knows your history, He knows your wounds, and He knows what will get your attention. These stories are just examples of how God came through to meet my specific needs and capture my heart, and are being shared to give you hope. If He did it for me, He will do it for you, if you simply give Him a chance.

  My journey for a true understanding of God began in 1999. I had been raised with a belief in God and in a Divine existence, but never really felt a true connection. As a young adult in my early twenties, I started asking questions like: “Am I loved?” “Am I valued?” “Is there a purpose for my life?” I wanted to know if I, as an individual, mattered in this universe or if I was just a coincidence of atoms that collided and formed me. If there was a God, was He a mean grump who made me just so I could be a chess piece in some manipulative game He was playing? Was I supposed to live a life following a c
hecklist of rules, and if I broke one, I was doomed? If this was the case, I knew I was in trouble, as I never did well with rules and seemingly came screeching out of the womb as a renegade maverick who wanted to press up against every boundary that existed. I didn’t know what to believe, but could not seem to move forward in any path until these issues were resolved.

  My first experience came after I heard someone say that it’s a good idea to start a prayer list. I began to write out a list of requests and started praying. My list just got longer and my frustration just kept building. My list consisted of everything from needing new clients for my business, to meeting the perfect husband, to figuring out what to do with health insurance as a business owner, and of course the simple ones like God stopping all wars around the world. My prayers went on month after month and I saw nothing happen. One day, in frustration, I wadded up my list and threw it in the garbage can. I was DONE! I gave up and decided that I would just live a life doing what I wanted to do and quit thinking about the big picture of my existence.

  As many know about me, I am not shy and have no problem interrupting conversations in public places (though I have learned some measure of tact over the years). Well, it just “so happened” that on that same day I overheard a woman discussing this very topic and approached her. I told her that I thought she was full of crap because I had been praying over my list for months and got nothing from it. After a quick dialogue, she told me she knew exactly what the problem was. She proceeded to tell me that answers to prayers come from believing, and though I believed God “could” answer my prayers, I didn’t believe that He “would.” Hmmm, now that was something to ponder.

  For several hours, I thought about her comments and realized I was praying and still didn’t even know if I believed in God, nor did I believe He would come through. I went home and decided to give Him one last chance. I pulled my list out of the trash, put the crinkled mess in front of me, and simply said, “God, if you exist and you care about me, I am going to simply make a feeble attempt to believe that somehow, in some way, you WILL answer something on this list immediately.” Before I even finished the sentence, my cell phone was ringing and it was an unknown number. I have to admit, it freaked me out because, after all, this was new to me. The only thing that would have startled me more would have been the caller ID reading something like “Heaven.” On the other end was a gentleman who apparently had my number sitting around for several months and just found it. He specialized in health insurance for the self-employed and wondered if I had a need for any information on the topic. Yes, this could be attributed to coincidence. However, considering this was the very last item on my list, I was asking God to get my attention in a practical way, and though I wasn’t yet fully persuaded, I took notice. Over the next few months, I became more observant to life around me and opened up to the possibility that God does exist and would show up in my life if asked.

  CHAPTER 3

  FOUNDATION FOR THE MIRACULOUS

  During the initial phases of this journey, there were a few things that I continued to wrestle with. The big one being, how do I know what’s God and what is just my own thinking, random thoughts, or a chemical reaction to bad food that I had the previous night? This may be something that you have wondered yourself and here is the simple answer: It takes time to develop. There is no formula because we are each unique and God will get your attention on a level that He knows will reach you personally, but I do have an analogy that will help reinforce the importance of not skipping the process.

  I have a handful of dear friends with whom I have gotten close to over the years and have come to trust. I know their hearts, I know their motivation, and I know their love for me. Should my phone ring and the caller ID doesn’t work, but I answer and one of these friends simply says, without identifying themselves, “Betsy, get to my house immediately,” and hangs up, guess what I would do? I would get to their house immediately. Why? Because I know their voice and even more importantly, I trust them. It’s about relationship and intimacy. Like any valued relationship in our lives, it takes time. However, I have learned that in building a relationship with God, He can seemingly fast forward the process, and when we surrender and let Him show up, He will. The title of the book, Audible Hallucinations, comes from this very aspect of learning God’s voice. Early on, I had a friend tease me when I told her I was hearing from God. She used to refer to my banter with God as my audible hallucinations, and thus the reason for the quirky title.

  Regarding the aspect of surrendering, or carving out a space in your life for God to move, my experience lends some insight on this topic that may help. During one of my early times of exploration and reading everything I could get my hands on, the well known verse saying something like, “If you are faithful in small things, you will be faithful in much,” kept showing up. Pay attention to things like this. If you keep stumbling across the same exact thing over and over, it’s likely beyond a coincidence. I had always understood this verse to mean that if I am given an opportunity and don’t blow it, I will have proven myself worthy to handle more responsibility. Okay, so this may be the true context of the verse, but God was trying to get my attention another way. It dawned on me one day (and it literally was just that, “Oh, that’s what He’s telling me.”) that God wanted me to realize that if HE was faithful in small things, HE would be faithful in the bigger things. Ah … so, if I learned to trust Him with the little matters of my life that are seemingly inconsequential or matters that I could handle myself, it would build the foundation for trusting Him when big issues came to the surface.

  This explained why the first real encounter I had with Him was concerning the health insurance topic. Obviously, I could have handled that myself by calling every agent in the Yellow Pages, but He chose that one to answer in order to show me that He cared about even the little things. Ironically, my belief in the reliance on health insurance has changed, but it just goes to show that He is willing to meet us where we are and doesn’t wait for us to arrive at a certain standard or knowledge base before He will help. I would also suggest that you start this journey by surrendering something small to build your faith and belief that He cares. I wouldn’t begin this process by stopping all medications to see if God will heal you or quitting your job to see if God will miraculously pay your bills. I am being purposely facetious, but hopefully you get my point. If you are still unclear about what I mean and need examples, stay tuned.

  A couple of other housekeeping items before I get started: the concept of giving and the problem attached to formulaic spirituality. You will read, in several of my stories, that some of the miracles happened after a season, or a single act of financial giving. I want to make myself very clear. Christians will constantly go back to the idea of tithing, but that concept is an Old Testament idea, and though I may make many people squirm right now, we are no longer under the law. However, the principle is still in place and nearly every major belief system embraces the concept of giving. I don’t believe it’s the act of giving, in and of itself, that brings miracles; rather, it is the posture of our heart when we give that opens us up to miracles. Fear seems to always be a big roadblock in my heart, and choosing to grip on to what I have for dear life keeps my heart in fear rather than in a place of expectation. Releasing in the form of giving (time, money, energy, etc.) seems to set my heart free and open me up to receive.

  Please, dear reader, watch out for formulaic believing. Allow me to define what I mean. The distinction between relationship building with God and formulaic believing lies in the emphasis. If I carve out a space for God to move, or take an action where the emphasis is on God revealing Himself, that’s an action that builds intimacy. If I pray, fast, or change destructive behaviors in an attempt to make God move, and then take credit for a miracle because I did something, that’s formulaic. It’s nothing more than treating God as if He is a genie in a bottle who, if rubbed the right way, will pop out and grant wishes. Formulas convey the idea that unless we do
it the perfect way, God sits up in heaven and withholds answers and provision. At the core of all that we need in life, it’s about a personal, intimate, and real relationship with a higher power and a being that loves us individually and will guide us where He wants us. It’s not about jumping through the right hoops that effectually MAKES God respond. When God shows up on a deeply personal level, it will create a peace that is both indescribable and lasting. Out of the intimacy created, God will be able to lead you in all aspects of life.

  I want to emphasize that the stories that are being shared are my own and have happened to me personally. These are not borrowed from others or embellished to make a point, but unfolded precisely as discussed. You can have your own stories and they will be as unique and as fun as mine, but in a way that will reinforce God’s love for you as an individual. There is one last thing I want to point out. You will need to embrace challenges as opportunities. Have you ever noticed that almost everyone loves rainbows, but many of those same people hate the rain? Um … color me crazy, but you can’t have rainbows unless there is rain. Look at the challenges in your life as an opportunity for you to surrender. Allow God to show Himself and reinforce His love for you. Trust me, I am in the same struggle right now and am using this time to reflect on God’s past faithfulness as a reminder that He can and will show up in any given situation, and by the time I am done writing this book, there will be a chapter on the power of surrendering relational needs. Together, I hope we can continue the discovery that it’s not WHO we are that matters, but WHOSE we are that matters in this crazy thing we call life!