Batpants! Read online

  ‘Think I’ll catch up with Lacewing,’ muttered Zak. ‘I’ll get some food later.’

  ‘Lacewing?’ echoed Mum.

  ‘His GIRLFRIEND,’ I explained with great satisfaction. Smirk smirk.

  ‘No she’s not!’ snarled Zak. ‘Just someone I know, that’s all.’

  ‘They’re in LURRVE.’ I put in, adding lots of kissy noises for good effect.

  Zak was about to try to murder me (ha ha, as if!), when Mum interrupted and told us to leave her in peace. Zak sloped off to find his princess while Finn and I wondered what to do. It was too early to go straight to the canteen.

  ‘Let’s do something,’ suggested Finn. ‘We could race my earwigs.’

  ‘Or we couldn’t,’ I answered.

  ‘OK, we could put all my beetles together and see which is the biggest.’

  ‘Or we couldn’t,’ I repeated.

  ‘You’re not playing at all,’ complained Finn.

  ‘I know,’ I said. ‘I’m bored.’

  Fortunately, Batpants rescued both of us. She’d been wandering around for the last five minutes. When she reappeared she was dragging Zak’s guitar behind her. She looked like a failed heavy metal rock freak, but I was the one who freaked out.

  ‘Batpants! Zak will kill you if you even touch his guitar!’ I leapt up and took it from her.

  ‘Ploop-ploop,’ she complained.

  ‘No, you can’t have it back,’ I told her, and returned it to Zak’s bed. That was when I spotted his hair gel. I went back, waving the jar at Finn. ‘Look what I’ve got. What say we give Batpants a new hairstyle?’

  ‘Fan–’

  ‘Say that word and I’ll make you eat this,’ I threatened, holding up the gel.

  ‘Crumbo?’ squeaked Finn. I had to laugh.

  Batpants loved having her hair done. We slapped the gel on her bonce and got to work. It didn’t take long for us to tease her hair into great pointy, ginger spikes. Her head was turning into a porcupine. We put more spikes on her shoulders.

  ‘There,’ I said, satisfied. I picked up a mirror so she could see herself.

  ‘Haaaaaaah!’ went Batpants, twirling round. I think she was pleased.

  Batpants looked great. It was time to go out and show her off!

  9 Anyone Like a Tomato?

  Finn insisted on annoying me by singing ‘fantasti-bubbly-crumbo!’ at the top of his voice, so I drowned him out by shouting ‘LA LA LA LA RHUBARB JELLY FISH LA LA BELLY-BUTTONS,’ and generally spouting nonsense.

  Meanwhile, Batpants was lurching along behind us, walloping the backs of our legs with a large plant. She must have yanked it out of one of the gardens.

  ‘Hoo hoo whaaaaa!’ She sounded like a miniature kung-fu warrior. She looked like one too.

  The canteen was a very smart mobile kitchen, full of gleaming stainless steel and spotless pans. Three cooks bustled up and down behind the counter serving a queue of actors, film crew, extras – all sorts. Tables and chairs had been set up on the grass. Cressida Crappletart was there, having a coffee and cramming a large cream éclair into her mouth.

  We picked out some lunch, including a huge salad for Batpants and sat at one of the tables. Batpants was the centre of attention. Everyone was staring at her bizarre hairstyle. Even frangelika Wotnot looked across and smiled.

  ‘Look!’ whispered Finn. ‘It’s Frangelika! She’s having lunch with the director.’

  ‘We could ask for her autograph,’ I hinted.

  ‘You ask,’ Finn said.

  I put on a silly coochy-coochy voice. ‘Poor little Finn, are you shy?’

  ‘No. I haven’t got any paper,’ he answered flatly. ‘So nurr.’

  I sighed. ‘OK, I’ll go. I’ll take Batpants with me. I think Frangelika reckons she’s cute.’

  We made our way towards the film star, with Batpants still enjoying a large mouthful of salad. Frangelika took one look at me and turned to the director.

  ‘An autograph hunter,’ she declared, ‘if ever I saw one. Am I right or am I right?’

  I blushed and nodded. ‘If you wouldn’t mind. Sorry to disturb your lunch.’

  ‘That’s OK, honey,’ smiled Frangelika. ‘You’re Emma’s girl, aren’t you? I thought so. You know, your mother is extraordinary. She’s the best. I wouldn’t do her job for all the tea in China.’

  ‘Can you put To Tilly, Finn and Batpants?’ I asked.

  ‘Sure, honey.’

  I guess frangelika was all right really and, to be honest, I wouldn’t have wanted to run through all those cobwebs either. She was really pretty too, with a gorgeous, long white summery dress.

  Frangelika turned to Batpants. The orang-utan looked back at her with shining eyes and one finger stuck in the corner of her mouth. Frangelika tried to touch Batpants’s hairdo and laughed. ‘My, don’t you look the business!’

  The orang-utan gave the film star an enigmatic smile, took her finger from her mouth, puckered her lips and then –

  RATTA – SPLATTA –

  TATTA – SPLATTA!

  A hail of tomatoes machine-gunned from her mouth, along with the odd bit of watercress and lettuce. Frangelika and Alana were both mown down by the spray of vegetable ammunition.

  Frangelika screamed, threw up her arms and toppled backwards. She lay on the ground screaming, with tomato splats all over her dress. Alana remained still and stony-faced. Tomato juice dribbled from her nose and chin.

  Batpants jumped up and down, going ‘Hoo hoo hoo hoo!’ as if she thought it the funniest thing ever. It pretty much was too! The crew were laughing and I noticed that even Cressida Crappletart was smiling.

  I raced round the table to help Frangelika.

  ‘I’m SO sorry. I had no idea Batpants had a mouthful of tomatoes. It’s one of her favourite games and Mum keeps trying to stop her and, oh goodness, you’re absolutely –’ My voice trailed away and finally I said very quietly, ‘– messed up.’

  Frangelika slowly got to her feet. ‘Don’t touch me,’ she snapped. ‘Have you seen my dress? it is RUINED! I am going to my caravan for my third shower today and I don’t want to speak to anyone.’

  To make matters worse Finn hurried across and tried to give her a present by way of saying he was sorry too. He pulled out a matchbox from his pocket. ‘Would you like my best beetle?’ he asked, sliding it open and offering Frangelika the waggling insect.

  ‘AAAARGH!’

  Boy, Frangelika could scream in the World Screaming Championships – and she’d win hands down. Matchbox and beetle went zooming through the air as Frangelika knocked it out of Finn’s hand. She went steaming off, letting out more screams on the way.

  ‘Don’t think she likes beetles,’ murmured Finn. ‘And that was a really, really good one too. It had pincers this big.’

  I glanced at Alana and murmured another apology. She didn’t say a word. She simply pushed back her chair, got up and left too. Oh dear.

  ‘See what you’ve done?’ I told Batpants. ‘We’re in double trouble now.’

  One of the nearby film crew called out. ‘Hey, she’s an orang-utan. She doesn’t know it’s wrong.’

  I looked at Batpants. She gazed back at me for a moment and then flung both arms across her face to hide her eyes.

  ‘Oh yes, she does,’ I said. ‘Come on, Finn. We’d better get home and start explaining things to Mum before anyone else gets there.’

  10 Today is Gorilla Day

  Well, we survived the Frangelika and Alana explosion! In private, Mum thought it was pretty funny, but she made a big fuss of saying ‘sorry’ several times and ‘it won’t happen again’, even though everyone knew it would. I mean, Batpants is an orang-utan, so what can you do? They don’t understand ‘sorry’ or ‘won’t do it again’.

  Besides, Mum had more important things on her mind the next day, like her wrestling match with a gorilla. Finn and I decided we’d go and watch, but first of all we were on the trail of our big brother because guess where Zak was going? To meet Lacewing, of course
! Aah! How sweet. I don’t think. More like yuck yuck yuck. Anyhow, he was taking his guitar with him, so that meant he was going to audition her. Zak certainly wouldn’t want us there, but there was no way I was going to miss out!

  Trouble was, we had a big hairy orange problem.

  ‘Do we have to take Batpants?’ I pleaded with Mum. ‘We always have to look after her.’

  ‘I don’t mind,’ said Finn, ever helpful.

  ‘Well I do,’ I grumbled.

  ‘Aslan and I are very busy this morning, as you know. Zak’s already gone off so I’m afraid that just leaves you two. It’s only until the filming is over. I have to go across to the set now. See you later. Be good!’

  There was no escape. We were ape-sitters for the morning.

  ‘We’d better camouflage ourselves so we can creep up on Zak without being noticed,’ I told Finn. I tied some bushes and foliage around him. We snaffled some of Mum’s make-up and splodged over any bits of bare skin we could find. I covered my head with feathers I’d collected and some big leaves.

  ‘What about Batpants?’ Finn asked. So I stuck some leaves on top of her head too. Then I got a long piece of string and tied dangly fern leaves all round it so it made a kind of skirt. I strung it round Batpants’s waist. She looked like some totally weird hula dancer. Dressing up an orang-utan was getting to be fun.

  ‘I heard Zak on his phone,’ I told Finn. ‘They’re meeting up at the empty caravan.’

  ‘Suppose they see us?’ asked Finn. ‘Won’t they be cross?’

  I grinned. ‘Probably, but it’ll be worth it. Anyway, I want to hear Lacewing sing, don’t you?’

  Finn shrugged. He’s got no sense of romance, that’s the trouble. We set off, slipping through the trees and darting from one bush to another. We hardly saw a soul and it didn’t take us long to reach the caravan.

  Finn and I tiptoed up the steps to the door and crouched outside. We could hear them talking, but not loud enough to tell what they were saying, so that wasn’t going to be any good. The caravan was standing on concrete piles that put the windows well above our level of eyesight.

  I spotted an old wheelbarrow not far from the caravan. ‘That’s perfect! We can put it under a window and stand on that,’ I suggested.

  As I wheeled it over I was just in time to see Batpants disappearing on to the roof of the caravan. How on earth had she got up there? Still, there was nothing I could do about it and besides, I really wanted to see what Zak and Lacewing were up to.

  I parked the barrow beneath one of the windows. It wobbled a bit as we climbed in, but we managed OK and soon we were edging our noses over the bottom of the window.

  Zak was standing on the other side of the caravan with some music propped up on the window ledge, playing his guitar. Lacewing was at the other end of the room, singing. Actually, she was quite good. Maybe even more than good. They were going through one or two songs they both knew from their favourite bands.

  ‘That’s not bad,’ said Zak. ‘How do you feel?’

  ‘Bit nervous,’ admitted Lacewing. ‘I’ve never auditioned for a band before.’

  ‘I think we should try some of the Non-Organic Vegetable numbers now,’ Zak suggested. ‘I’ve only got this sheet with the words and music so you’d better stand beside me.’

  I grinned at Finn. ‘I bet he kisses her!’

  ‘Urgh,’ he muttered, pulling a face and screwing his eyes shut. ‘That’s revolting. I’m not going to watch.’ That’s what Finn said, but I saw he kept one eye open!

  Lacewing had moved across to Zak’s side. She leant over him to read the music.

  ‘Did you write this song?’

  ‘I’d rather not say,’ Zak answered, and she laughed.

  ‘That sure means you did! You’re clever.’

  They looked at each other for a couple of seconds. It was only two or three seconds, but it was THAT LOOK. You know, the dopey one, the TOTALLY SOPPY ONE. Zak started playing and Lacewing sang.

  ‘I saw you the first time, your hair was black and long,

  And when I got home I sat and wrote this song. Can’t get you out of my mind, can’t get you out of my brain,

  If you won’t go out with me I think I’ll go insane.’

  That’s moody Zak for you, always exaggerating. Anyhow, Lacewing was impressed. After she’d finished singing they looked at each other again. It wasn’t a couple of seconds this time. It was like a whole minute of silent gazing into each other’s eyes and then… and then they moved closer, and CLOSER and CLOSER.

  SSSSTTTTPPPPPPPPPP!!!!

  That’s meant to be the sound of a long kiss, just in case you hadn’t worked it out.

  Which was immediately followed by:

  KERRBLAMM-A

  SPLANNGGG!

  Which was the sound of Batpants falling off the roof of the caravan, clutching wildly at the guttering and then smashing against the window next to us. Finally, she lost her grip and fell into the wheelbarrow.

  The wheelbarrow was completely unbalanced. Finn went tumbling to the ground with a loud shout of ‘HELP!’ while I clung with my fingertips to the window ledge, looking straight at Lacewing and Zak. Lacewing screamed, probably thinking some war-painted leafy monster from the woods was out to get her, not to mention the upside-down orang-utan in a fern hula skirt.

  Then I had to let go. BLUMMPP! It was my turn to fall to the ground. The door of the caravan crashed open and Zak came thundering out.

  ‘I might have known it was you two!’ he shouted.

  ‘It was Batpants!’ I yelled back.

  ‘I’ll tell Mum you were spying, you little toerag,’ Zak threatened.

  ‘So? I’ll tell Mum you were snog-snogger-snoggering. Didn’t you have breakfast this morning?’

  ‘I think some of my ants got squashed when I fell off the wheelbarrow,’ Finn announced sadly, pulling a flattened matchbox out of his pocket.

  Meanwhile, Batpants was running around, pulling fern leaves from her skirt and throwing them at us.

  ‘Look at the three of you,’ Zak went on. ‘What do you think you look like?’

  Lacewing pulled at Zak’s arm. ‘Come on. Forget about them. They’re just kids. It’s time to go and see your mom and the gorilla.’

  Somehow she managed to calm Zak down. He scowled at us several times and they set off. We trailed after them at a safe distance and only caught up when we reached the film set.

  Dad was there to help with Tuesday the gorilla. Alana wanted to film Tuesday rushing at Colorado Kate. After that, the plan was to replace the real gorilla with an actor in a gorilla suit and then the wrestling match would take place. It was supposed to end with the gorilla dragging Colorado Kate away.

  Oh horror! What would happen next! Would Kate be torn to shreds by the gorilla or would she survive to film yet another adventure about Colorado Kate?

  (ANSWER: Of course she would otherwise there would be no more Colorado Kate adventures, would there? Do those film-makers think we’re dumb, or what?)

  The film crew didn’t often have a real gorilla a few metres away so they were quite excited. The set itself was the ruined abbey again, with its creepy, ivy-covered walls. Tuesday had her own special cage round the back of the abbey. Colorado Kate was meant to be searching the abbey for a clue to the mystery when the gorilla would attack her.

  Every safety precaution had been taken. The whole set was surrounded by a high wire fence so if the gorilla didn’t obey Aslan’s commands he would be contained by the pen. A marksman with a stun-dart rifle was on standby and would shoot Tuesday if necessary, but it would take five minutes or so for the sedative to work.

  ‘It won’t come to that,’ Dad had promised. ‘Tuesday will do exactly as she’s asked. All Emma has to do is the fight with the actor in the suit. Cressida is doing that. They’ve worked together before.’

  Cressida Crappletart! It would have to be her of all people, wouldn’t it? Huh.

  There was one last bit of filming to do before the crew
were ready. Dad was inside the pen. He was using a clicker and a large bucket of fruit to get Tuesday lumbering towards him. Animal handlers use a clicker to train the animal. When it does what you want it to do, you click the clicker and give the animal a reward, like some fruit. The animal soon learns what to do.

  So Tuesday was plodding towards Dad. Then he suddenly held out both arms wide and clicked the clicker. This was the signal for Tuesday to stop. They filmed the same bit three times before the director was happy.

  ‘Thanks, Aslan. Tuesday can go back to his cage now. We’ll have Emma and Cressida next for the fight scene. Ready in ten minutes, please.’

  ‘Come on,’ said Finn. ‘We’ve got time to whizz round the back.’

  ‘What for?’ I asked.

  ‘To see Tuesday, of course, close up. He might like to see my collection of earwigs.’

  ‘I doubt it,’ I said heavily. ‘He can probably give you a few bugs of his own, though.’ I sighed. ‘OK, I’ll come with you, but only if someone can look after Batpants. Last time Tuesday saw her he got a bit uppity.’

  ‘We’ll take her for a walk,’ offered Lacewing, and Batpants happily took the hand she offered, giving it a thorough lick.

  Lacewing winced. ‘Actually, Batpants, I did have a shower this morning, you know.’

  ‘You did offer to take her,’ warned Zak. ‘Let’s walk her over there.’

  Finn and I hurried towards the back of the abbey. It was a long way round because we had to skirt behind the pen. By the time we got there Dad had shut Tuesday in his cage and gone back to join the crew. The gorilla was standing in his cage looking a bit puzzled, but at least he had a banana to take his mind off things.

  ‘He’s amazing,’ murmured Finn. ‘I’ve never been so close to one. Not even in a zoo.’

  ‘We live with one,’ I pointed out, thinking of Zak. ‘Come on, we can’t stand here forever gawping at a gorilla. Mum’s going to be doing her bit any second and I want to see it. Let’s get back.’