Uncle John's Fully Loaded 25th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (Uncle John's Bathroom Reader) Read online

  By the

  Bathroom Readers’

  Institute

  Bathroom Readers’ Press

  Ashland, Oregon

  OUR “REGULAR” READERS RAVE!

  “Your books are the greatest written works since Homer’s Iliad and Odyssey. Uncle John and all his staff at the BRI must be the smartest rubber duckies in the pool!”

  —Steven J.

  “I’ve been a fan of your series for years, and I have two shelves devoted to them. I’m now equipped with an arsenal of fun facts for any occasion.”

  —Alex D.

  “I LOVE your books! It is so nice to be able to impress my family and friends with an arsenal of wacky, fun facts!”

  —Shayla G.

  “My whole family loves your books. We wait anxiously for each new one to come out. The most recent one we are reading has definitely brought conversation out of the bathroom and to the dinner table!”

  —Trena N.

  “Absolutely brilliant! Your mix of wit and knowledge make these the perfect can’t-put-down books for this 11-year-old boy!”

  —Grady P.

  “I have been an avid reader of Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers for years. Everyone knows what to buy me for presents. Just wanted to let you folks know that you keep me mesmerized (and seated) for long periods of time!”

  —Mitch M.

  “I have about 30 of your books, and I want the whole collection! Do you know how much fun it is to start a conversation with a weird little tidbit from Uncle John?”

  —Rose P.

  UNCLE JOHN’S FULLY LOADED

  BATHROOM READER®

  Copyright © 2012 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  “Bathroom Reader,” “Portable Press,” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor. All rights reserved.

  Dedicated to Allan MacDougall, friend to bathroom readers everywhere

  For information, write:

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute,

  P.O. Box 1117,

  Ashland, OR 97520

  www.bathroomreader.com

  Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld, San Rafael, CA ([email protected])

  BRI “technician” on the back cover: Larry Kelp

  eISBN: 978-1-60710-704-0

  Hiya, Sophie! Hiya, Jesse!

  THANK YOU!

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.

  Gordon Javna

  John Dollison

  Jay Newman

  Brian Boone

  Kim Griswell

  Trina Janssen

  Thom Little

  Michael Brunsfeld

  Sharilyn Carroll

  Angela Kern

  Jack Mingo

  Megan Todd

  Brandon Hartley

  Jill Bellrose

  Michael Conover

  Claudia Bauer

  Jahnna and Malcolm

  Rich Wallace

  Joan M. Kyzer

  Adam Bolivar

  Mary Colgan

  JoAnn Padgett

  Melinda Allman

  Monica and Annie

  Aaron Guzman

  Ginger, Jennifer, Mana, and Shirley

  Lilian the Calm

  True Sims

  Maggie Javna

  John Javna

  Sydney Stanley

  David Calder

  Sandy D’Amato

  Matt the Foil Guy

  Jeff and Jennifer

  Laurel and Hardy

  Media Masters

  Publishers Group West

  Bloomsbury Books

  Raincoast Books

  Thomas Crapper

  Hiya, Sam! Hiya, Gideon!

  CONTENTS

  Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.

  Short—a quick read

  Medium—2 to 3 pages

  Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required

  * Extended—for those leg-numbing experiences

  BATHROOM LORE

  Short

  Uncle John’s Stall of Fame

  When Toilets Explode

  Toilet Paper Capers

  Bathroom Jokes for 10-Year-Olds

  When Toilets Explode

  Medium

  Stall of Fame: The U-1206

  Bathroom News: Airplane Edition

  Toilet Paper in the News

  Uncle John’s Stall of Fame

  Stall of Fame: Mr. Floatie

  “This Place is a Toilet”

  SILVER ANNIVERSARY

  Short

  The BRI Anthem

  The Magic Number

  Silver Linings

  A History of Y

  Long

  *At 25

  ORIGINS

  Short

  The Dope on Rope

  Marriage Firsts

  All About Corduroy

  Ahead of Their Time

  Military Firsts

  Medium

  Random Firsts

  LIFE IS STRANGE

  Short

  Treasure in the Attic

  It Could Only Happen In

  Love Thy Neighbor

  Life Imitates Art

  It’s a Weird, Weird World

  It’s What’s Inside That Counts

  Ironic, Isn’t It?

  Just Plane Weird

  Just Plane Weird: “Open Mic” Edition

  Medium

  First Date? Last Date!

  Uncle John’s Creative Teaching Awards

  Long

  The Strange Fate of Eben Byers

  LAW & ORDER

  Short

  Police Blotter: Cheeseburger Edition

  Poetic Justice

  Loony Laws

  The Police Blotter

  “It Was Like Saddling a Porpoise”

  Medium

  Behind Bars: Most Time Served

  Who Made Jack “The Ripper”?

  Busted on Facebook

  Not-Murder Mysteries

  Serial Killers: Unsolved Cases

  Long

  *The Innocence Project

  FORGOTTEN HISTORY

  Short

  A Meteoric Footnote

  Medium

  A Brief History of the Negro League

  Edifice Wrecks

  Dustbin of History: Barbara Hutton

  Scroggied

  Long

  The Real Scrooge

  America’s Forgotten Fire

  Burned at the Skate

  MOUTHING OFF

  Short

  Mr. Black & Ms. White

  Mr. Baseball

  Nora’s Notions

  Parenthood

  One-Liners

  Laugh Lines

  Don’t Worry

  Who Are You?

  Words To Live By

  Oldsters

  PUBLIC LIVES

  Short

  The Talented Miss America

  The Last Living…

  Nudes And Prudes

  Last Tweets

  Khan the Man

  Any Relation?

  Nudes And Prudes

  Prince Is 2 Weird

  From G
old Medal to Silver Screen

  Medium

  President Conan O’Brien

  Long

  Family Feud: The Guccis

  SONG & DANCE

  Short

  The Grunge Code

  Music On TV

  The Pete Best Awards

  Pop Music: 1987

  More Tuba!

  Medium

  Behind the Hits: Soundtrack Cuts

  Music On TV

  Music On TV

  Singing Athletes

  STAGE & SCREEN

  Short

  Reel Time Bombs

  Alien, Starring Meryl Streep

  Sci-Fi Video Treasures

  Muppet Facts

  Musical Flops

  Me: The Movie

  Simpsons Movies

  Take One!

  Sound Of Movies

  THE NEWS ROOM

  Short

  Flubbed Headlines

  Poli-Talk

  Meet the Muckrakers, Part I

  Meet the Muckrackers, Part II

  Political Briefs

  Flubbed Headlines

  Medium

  Wikiality Check

  The Politically Correct Quiz

  THE PRINTED WORD

  Short

  Comrade Superman

  “Death is Coming, Warns Weatherman”

  For Your Reading Pleasure

  Author Vs. Author

  Medium

  Funny Papers

  A Dark and Stormy Write

  UNDERWEAR

  Short

  Pop Pants

  Underwear in the News

  Legal Briefs

  Underwear in the Air

  High-Tech Underwear

  Medium

  Legal Briefs

  OUTERWEAR

  Short

  What Price Beauty?

  Shoe Fads

  Lighten Up!

  Medium

  Plain Clothes Men

  Dumb Blondes

  WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE

  Short

  Dying Languages

  Joke Origins

  The Curious Case of the American Accent, Part I

  Homonym Quiz

  The Quick Brown Fox…

  Medium

  The Curious Case of the American Accent, Part II

  What’s Another Word for “Thesaurus”?

  WORD & PHRASE ORIGINS

  Short

  Word Origins

  You Can Find Them in the Dictionary

  Portmanteau Words

  Hey, Jay! Pay Fay Wray. Today, Okay?

  Totally 21st Century

  More Portmanteaus

  WORDPLAY

  Short

  Let Me Write Sign—I Good Speak English

  The Last Laugh: Epitaphs

  Groaners

  It’s Like A Simile

  Loaded Words

  The Smartphone Autocorrect Quiz

  Warning Labels

  The New Latin Lexicon

  YOU’RE MY HERO

  Short

  Local Heroes

  Survival Stories

  Medium

  More Real-Life Superheroes

  Long

  Real-Life Superheroes

  The President’s Medal

  A BLUNDERFUL LIFE

  Short

  Oops!

  Terrible Typos

  Dumb Crooks

  “No Regerts”

  Dumb Crooks: Blabber Edition

  Oops!

  Dumb Crooks

  Dumb Crooks: Stoner Edition

  Weird News

  Medium

  A Bad Case of the Flue

  AMERICANA

  Short

  Civil War Bloodlines

  City Nicknames

  America Is…

  Name That President

  Medium

  Too Cheap for Graceland

  After the Civil War

  Gold Rush Girls

  CREATURE FEATURES

  Short

  Moo

  Living Lightbulbs

  A Fishy Business

  The Fire Ant Dance

  Shrimp

  Bird Brains

  Long

  *Big Noise, Little Bug

  *Private Wojtek, the Soldier Bear

  BUSINE$$

  Short

  Advertising Firsts

  My Dog Has Ph.D.s

  More Towns for Sale

  Money Is No Object!

  Medium

  Green Giants

  Flying Flop: The Lifetime AAirpass

  The Worst Business Decision Ever?

  Chain-Store Origins

  The Worst Business Decision Ever? Part II

  World’s Greatest Markets and Bazaars

  Towns for Sale

  Don’t Believe Everything You Hear

  The Worst Business Decision Ever? Part III

  FULLY LOADED

  Short

  “No, You Stick ‘Em Up!”

  It’s A Gun And a…

  Medium

  Odd Guns

  DOWN THE HATCH

  Short

  Candy Holidays

  Odd Vodkas

  “I’ll Have a Fatso Burger”

  “I’ll Have the Husband and Wife Lung Slice”

  Snap, Crackle…Flop

  Put A Cork in It!

  Mother Sauces

  Medium

  Food Firsts

  GOING, GOING, GONE

  Short

  The Death of Gerald Bull

  They Went Thataway

  Weird Bequests

  “Do Your Best!”

  Taking it to the Grave

  They Died With Their Chutes On

  Medium

  They Went Thataway

  MYTHS & LEGENDS

  Short

  Myth Conceptions

  Jack Tales

  Medium

  Our Lady of the Little Green Men

  Long

  “Jack and the Heifer Hide”

  Hiyo, Silver—Away!

  PLAY TIME

  Short

  NBA Draft Busts

  Croakers & Soakers

  Silver Medal Shocker

  Steamers & Wongers

  NFL Draft Flops

  Silver Medal Shocker, Part II

  No Drive, No Five!

  Silver Medal Shocker Part III

  Turkeys & Whales

  Medium

  Extreme Sport: BASE Jumping

  Extreme Sport: Free-Solo Climbing

  Go Cowboys!

  APOCALYPSE, NAH

  Short

  4 Ways To Light a Fire Without Matches

  How To Make a “Solar Still”

  Medium

  Armageddon Outta Here!

  Welcome to Year Zero

  New and Improved Calendars

  It’s the End of the World as They Know It

  POP SCIENCE

  Short

  Moon Trees

  The Neanderthals

  Antipodes 101

  Medium

  Feral Children of the Modern World

  Where Did the Moon Come From?

  Gangrene Explained

  Long

  The Origin of DNA Testing

  INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS

  Short

  Michin Saekki!

  Canadian Firsts

  Z-People

  Biscuit = Cookie

  The United States Of Belgium?

  Medium

  Uncle John’s Weird Travel Guide

  Man Meets Cartoon

  Canada’s Métis People

  Long

  It’s All Blat To Me

  HOW TO DO STUFF

  Short

  Household Hints

  Not-So-Stupid Dishwasher Tricks

  You Must Remember This

  BRI’s Packing Tips

  Life Before Spell-Check

  TOYS & GAMES

  Short

  What a Card!


  Land of the Rising Fun

  Medium

  Send In for It

  NO CAN DO

  Short

  One-Man Bans

  Much Ado About Jugs and Screws

  Banned!

  One-Man Bans

  Medium

  Banned Books

  POP-POURRI

  Short

  You’re My Inspiration

  Q&A: Ask the Experts

  The New Year’s Eve Opossum Drop

  Uncle John’s Page of Lists

  Fan Club Funnies

  World’s Highest…

  Vomit Comets

  Q&A: Ask the Experts

  Sine of the Times

  Q&A: Ask the Experts

  Long

  *Thanks for Nothing

  THE BODY ECLECTIC

  Short

  Odd Body Tips & Tricks

  The #2 Report

  Long

  Human Guinea Pigs

  * * *

  IT’S OXYMORONIC!

  Phrases made up of two words that appear to be contradictory.

  New classic

  Seriously funny

  Crash landing

  Deafening silence

  Larger half

  Soft rock

  Living dead

  Almost exactly

  Working vacation

  Center around

  Original copies

  Clearly misunderstood

  Peacekeeper missile

  Decreased growth

  Found missing

  Rolling stop

  Same difference

  Definite maybe

  Specialize in everything

  Sweet tart

  Virtual reality

  Butt head

  FROM UNCLE JOHN #1

  Late in 1987, when I first took the idea for a bathroom reader to New York publishers, it seemed the series might never even get started. Times were different: The idea of a book designed for the bathroom made editors squeamish. I got a unanimous “No thanks,” complete with disgusted grimaces. But when I got back home to California a few weeks later, a message was waiting: St. Martin’s Press had decided to give it a try.

  The good news for BR fans is that St. Martin’s had really just bought the concept; they didn’t care about the contents. So we were free to include anything we wanted. Whatever subjects fascinated us found their way onto the pages—stories about old TV shows and pop music, doo-wop syllables, oddities of American history, quotes from Einstein. A friend showed me a page of church newsletter bloopers her mother had sent her. Voila! It became part of the book. We read a story about some crazed fan sneaking into Elvis’ hotel room and using his toothbrush. In it went. And so on.

  Putting the first Bathroom Reader together was so much fun that I could hardly believe someone was actually paying me—which may be why it was an instant success. It also helped that I found Michael Brunsfeld, the talented illustrator who’s created almost all the BR covers, and Andy Sohn, who designed the now-familiar page format. And it helped that St. Martin’s Press provided bookstores with cardboard displays shaped like toilets. (Wish I still had one of those.) Who could resist that?

  Now, 25 years later, my silly idea is an institution. That’s a weird enough story to include in a book like…well, this one.