Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader Read online

  But Panama had its partisans in the fierce Senate debate about the canal. When the French—who wanted to unload the canal they’d begun—dropped the price for their unfinished assets from $109 million to $40 million, America decided on Panama.

  The Colombia Problem. There was just one problem: Roosevelt found that the people he called “Dagos” in Colombia were asking too much for using their territory.

  He decided the solution was simple—if the existing country was a problem, create a new country that would be more willing to compromise. The U.S. Army teamed up with a former director of the French canal company, who stirred up a “revolt” against Colombia. Meanwhile, the American battleship Nashville positioned itself off the Colombian coastline with guns ready, in case Colombia objected.

  Friendly Nation. As soon as a new revolutionary government was announced, the U.S. recognized it and pushed through a deal: for $10 million, an annual fee of $250,000, and a guarantee of “independence,” the United States received rights to the 10-mile-wide canal zone “in perpetuity.” Since the new country of Panama was not much wider than that 10-mile-zone, the U.S. effectively controlled the country. Colombia did protest, but there wasn’t much it could do. The canal was finished in 1914.

  Couch potatoes: 25% of American adults say they never exercise.

  FREE ADVICE

  Here are a handful of helpful hints from high-profile heavyweights, found in Friendly Advice, by Jon Winokur.

  “Never go out to meet trouble. If you will just sit still, nine cases out of ten someone will intercept it for you.”

  —Calvin Coolidge

  “Don’t put no restrictions on the people. Leave ’em the hell alone.”

  —Jimmy Durante

  “The best way to keep money in perspective is to have some.”

  —Louis Rukeyser (“Wall Street Week in Review”)

  “The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”

  —Mark Twain

  “If four or five guys tell you that you’re drunk, even though you know you haven’t had a thing to drink, the least you can do is lie down a while.”

  —Joseph Schenck

  “A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches fifty, and a fool if he doesn’t drink afterward.”

  —Frank Lloyd Wright

  “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

  —Erma Bombeck

  “A woman’s dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view.”

  —Sophia Loren

  “Never underestimate a man who overestimates himself.”

  —Franklin D. Roosevelt

  “My father gave me these hints in speechmaking: Be sincere... be brief...be seated.”

  —James Roosevelt

  (FDR’s son)

  “The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.”

  —Mell Lazarus

  “Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.”

  —Winston Churchill

  “Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”

  —Mark Twain

  Lee Harvey Oswald’s cadaver tag sold at auction for $6,600 in 1992.

  THE PLUMBER’S HELPER

  While you’re sitting on the john, take a moment to examine it. Do you notice a problem? If so, you’re in luck: BRI plumber’s helper is here. We can’t guarantee or even recommend this advice, of course (we’re writers, not plumbers), but it sounds good.

  The Problem: Running water.

  What It Could Mean: The chain connecting the handle to the flush valve—the hole at the bottom of the tank where the water enters the bowl—is too long. Remove a few links of the chain so that it hangs with only a little slack.

  Other Possible Causes:

  • The “float mechanism” that shuts off the water isn’t working; it’s letting water leak into the overflow pipe. If your mechanism is a “float ball” attached to a horizontal rod, bend the rod so that the ball hangs lower in the tank. If it’s a plastic cylinder called a “float cup,” adjust it so that it hangs lower in the tank.

  • Your “flush valve” is leaking. This is most likely the problem if you have to jiggle the toilet handle a lot, or if the toilet hisses regularly. Your best bet is to replace the rubber bulb mechanism. Replace the flush valve with one that’s the same size.

  The Problem: A wet floor around the base of your toilet.

  How To Fix It: Add several tablespoons of food coloring to the water in the bowl and in the tank. Wipe the floor around the toilet dry, and then wait for the moisture to reappear.

  Mop up the area again, this time using white paper towels. If the moisture is colored, your toilet is leaking. If it isn’t, you probably have a condensation problem, or a leak from another fixture.

  • To fix a leaky toilet tank, drain it and use a wrench or screwdriver to tighten the nuts at the base of the tank. (If the washers around the bolts look worn, replace them.) Don’t overtighten; if you do you’ll risk cracking the tank.

  • If the toilet still leaks, the flush valve may be loose. The only way to fix it: remove the tank from the bowl and tighten the valve.

  The Roman emperor Nero played the bagpipe.

  A FAMILY AFFAIR

  Did TV’s “Brady Bunch” seem like a close family to you? According to actor Barry Williams (Greg Brady) in his book, Growing Up Brady (HarperCollins, 1992), they were a lot closer than you think.

  “At some point throughout the five years of filming, every Brady (kid) paired up romantically with the opposite sex counterpart,” Williams confesses, although as far as he knows, none of the encounters “went all the way.” Still, here’s the juicy details of some of the closer encounters of the Brady clan:

  The Couple: Greg and Mrs. Brady (Barry Williams and Florence Henderson)

  The Place: The Coconut Grove Club in Los Angeles

  Kiss and Tell: After sharing a dirty joke about lollipops with her on the set, “I got a case of the hots for my mom,” Williams confesses, “I just couldn’t control myself anymore and wound up asking her out. Amazingly, she accepted.” Williams describes their first kiss: “No tongue, but nice.”

  Why It Ended: They just never hit it off. Henderson later told Williams: “You were really cute, and I was tempted a few times. I think we’re lucky Carol never slept with Greg, but...uh...it coulda been.”

  The Couple: Greg and Marcia (Maureen McCormick and Barry Williams)

  The Place: Waikiki Beach, when the cast was in Hawaii filming the show’s first Hawaiian special

  Kiss and Tell: “I kissed her, and the floodgates opened; warm and hard and packed with the kind of osculatory excitement only teenagers can transmit....Years later, I’d find out that this had been Mo’s first kiss.”

  Why It Ended: While on a cruise on the Queen Elizabeth II, Williams snuck into McCormick’s bedroom, climbed into bed with her, and started caressing her. McCormick woke up and kicked him out of her room. According to Williams: “My desperate groping killed something between us that night.”

  Mosquitos have teeth.

  The Couple: Jan and Peter (Eve Plumb and Christopher Knight)

  The Place: Aboard the Queen Elizabeth II, and later in Knight’s truck

  Kiss and Tell: Unlike Williams, Knight didn’t have to sneak into his female counterpart’s stateroom in search of action—Plumb came to him. And Knight had better luck than Williams did: “Finally, as she nibbled on my ear, something clicked...I thought to myself, ‘Oh, my God—now I understand what all the fuss is about!’ I was 14.”

  A year after the show was canceled, Knight and Plumb had another encounter, an attempted “quickie” in Knight’s truck. Says Knight: “This time, we quickly moved beyond the sensory pleasures of just making out.”

  Why It Ended: Before they could get very far, a police officer walked up to the truc
k and shined his flashlight in the window. The interruption killed the romance.

  The Couple: Cindy and Bobby (Susan Olsen and Michael Lookinland)

  The Place: Tiger’s doghouse and Lookinland’s dressing room

  Kiss and Tell: “During our first season, Michael got the notion that he had a major crush on me. And he’d put his arm around me, and he’d kiss me, and...uh...I kinda liked it.”

  Why It Ended: “A couple years later...he seemed to have a kinda ‘boob thing’....This is at like age 10 or 11....I of course had none, so he decided it was time to get rid of me and chase after Eve for a while. So we got a divorce.”

  WHAT ABOUT MR. BRADY?

  According to USA Today, Robert Reed was “too busy firing off angry memos to the show’s creators about how asinine the scripts were” to indulge in the pleasures of Brady flesh: “To blow off steam over crummy storylines, he sometimes went to a nearby bar and came back to work loaded.” Alice the maid (Ann B. Davis), now a born-again Christian, also remained Brady-celibate. No word on Tiger the dog (who was run down by a florist’s truck one day after he wandered off the set “looking for a place to relieve himself”).

  Before killing Lincoln, actor John Wilkes Booth was so popular he got 100 fan letters a week.

  LAST WISHES

  Think it’s tough planning ahead now? Try imagining what your dying wish will be. Here are some odd last requests from nine well-known people.

  Eleanor Roosevelt: Fearful of being buried alive, the former first lady requested that her major veins be severed to eliminate the possibility of regaining consciousness after burial.

  Harry Houdini: The famous escape artist asked to be buried in the “trick” coffin he used in his magic act—with letters from his mother tucked beneath his head.

  William Shakespeare: Wanted his oldest daughter, Susanna, to inherit his favorite bed. He left his wife “my second best bed.”

  President Andrew Johnson: The first president to be impeached asked to be wrapped in an American flag, with a copy of the U.S. Constitution placed beneath his head.

  J. Paul Getty: Requested a burial on the property of the Getty Museum in Malibu. However, his lawyers never applied for burial permits, so his remains had to be refrigerated and stored in a nearby mausoleum for three years until the necessary paperwork was completed. (Getty left his son J. Paul, Jr. “the sum of $500, and nothing else.”)

  W. C. Fields: Wanted a portion of his estate to be used for a “W. C. Fields College for orphan white boys and girls.” (The request was never honored.)

  P. T. Barnum: Wanted to keep the Barnum name from dying with him...so he left his grandson, Clinton Seeley, $25,000—on the condition that he change his middle name to Barnum. Seeley did.

  Janis Joplin: Asked friends to have a farewell party for her at her favorite pub, the Lion’s Share, in California—and left $2,500 in her will to finance it.

  Albert Einstein: No one knows what his last wishes were. On his deathbed, he said something in German to his nurse—but she didn’t speak German.

  Leonardo da Vinci painted only 17 paintings—and some of them were unfinished.

  THE “WILD THING” STORY

  “Wild Thing” is one of those ridiculously catchy tunes you can’t forget. It’s been a hit in three different decades and performed by some of the greatest—as well as some of the most forgettable—artists. This tale of how it was written comes from Behind the Hits, by Bob Shannon.

  AN OPPORTUNITY

  In 1966 Chip Taylor—actor Jon Voight’s brother—was a songwriter working for a music publisher in New York City. One day he got a phone call from a friend who was producing a record by a group called Jordan Christopher and the Wild Ones. The friend explained that the songs he was supposed to use on the album weren’t good enough. He wondered if Taylor had “something different, something unique.”

  Taylor said he’d work on it and send something over.

  “It was around one o’clock when I spoke to my friend,” Taylor recalls. “I was planning to go into the studio at five o’clock, so between that time and five, I had to figure out what I was gonna do. I didn’t come up with anything until around four o’clock...and then I started to get this little riff on the guitar.”

  IMPROVISING AT THE STUDIO

  It was almost 5:00, so Taylor headed for the recording studio. He says: “Between my office and the studio, which was about four blocks, I was humming this crazy little thing, ‘Wild Thing, you make my heart sing,’ and just had this groove going.

  “I got to the studio and I asked the engineer just to let the tape roll, and I told him not to stop me, I was gonna do this nonsense thing and see what came out. I basically had the chorus already, so I just sang it over and over again, and every once in a while I stopped and said some things. What came out was exactly what you’ve heard on records.

  “The next morning, I listened to this [terrible song]. I said, ‘All right, send it over to my friend’—because I promised I’d send something over to him—[but] don’t let anybody else hear this demo. I was really embarrassed.”

  Walruses get bald as they age.

  THE FIRST VERSION

  Eventually, Jordan Christopher and the Wild Ones did make the first recording of “Wild Thing.”

  “But they did it very differently, with horns,” Taylor explains, “and they changed the rhythm and stuff like that. I didn’t think it [was very] good, and I was kind of glad that it wasn’t a hit. I was glad they recorded it, but I was a little embarrassed anyway.”

  IT’S A HIT

  The music publisher Taylor worked for had a deal with a music company in England—they had to send everything they published to the British company. Taylor was horrified. “I asked them not to send it over,” he says, “but somehow it was included with the other material they sent.”

  To his surprise, a few months later “Wild Thing,” by a little-known group called the Troggs (from the word “troglodytes”), hit #2 in England and #1 in the United States. Even more surprising to Taylor, it later became a rock classic, recorded by everyone from Jimi Hendrix to X. Taylor himself got in on the fun in 1967 when he produced a “Wild Thing” satire performed by “Senator Bobby,” a Robert Kennedy soundalike. Even that version was a Top 20 hit.

  FOR THE RECORD

  How did the Troggs pick “Wild Thing”?

  • Taylor says: “The story I hear is that when they were presented the package to choose what songs to do, they were given a stack of about fifty tapes. They just kept listening to them until they got to ‘Wild Thing,’ and decided they wanted to do it.”

  • The leader of the Troggs, Reg Presley, tells a different tale. He recalls that their manager picked the song—and that he couldn’t stand it. “I looked at the lyrics—’Wild thing, you make my heart sing...You make everything groovy’...and they seemed so corny and I thought, ‘Oh God, what are they doing to us?’”

  The ocarina solo on the Troggs’ record was copied from Taylor’s demo tape. But it was originally played on someone’s hands, not an instrument. Taylor explains: “While the engineer, Ron Johnson, was playing the tape back in the studio, I heard him playing this little thing on his hands. I said to him, ‘Go on out and do that in the middle part.’ If you play my demo against the Troggs’ record, you’ll see it’s almost exactly the same.”

  The index finger is the most sensitive finger on your hand.

  LUCKY STRIKES

  Some of the most important historical discoveries have been complete accidents. Here are four examples.

  The Discoverer: A peasant farmer digging a well

  What He Found: Lost cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum

  Lucky Strike: In 1709 a peasant who was digging in the area that had been destroyed when Mount Vesuvius erupted in 79 A.D. brought up several pieces of sculpted marble from statues and other objects. When word of his discovery spread, an Italian prince bought the land and began the first large-scale excavation of the site. Today more than three-quarters of anc
ient Pompeii has been uncovered; the rest remains buried underneath the modern city of Pompeii.

  The Discoverers: Some quarrymen digging in a cave

  What They Found: Neanderthal man

  Lucky Strike: In 1856 workers excavating a cave in Germany’s Neander Valley unearthed a human skeleton more than 100,000 years old. The remains provided some of the earliest evidence supporting the theory that modern humans evolved from apes.

  The Discoverers: A group of French army engineers in Egypt

  What They Found: The Rosetta stone

  Lucky Strike: In July 1799, French army engineers working near the Egyptian town of Rosetta noted that a section of the wall they were about to demolish had both Greek script and hieroglyphics carved into it. On a hunch, they saved it. The stone turned out to be the first Egyptian hieroglyphic document ever found that was accompanied by a translation into a modern language. With the aid of this “Rosetta stone,” scientists finally cracked the code of the hieroglyphics—which had been indecipherable for more than 1,300 years.

  The Discoverer: A Bedouin boy looking for a lost goat

  What He Found: The Dead Sea Scrolls

  Lucky Strike: In 1947 a Bedouin boy searching for his goat on cliffs near the Dead Sea idly tossed a rock into a cave. He heard some pottery shatter. Investigating, he found a number of large clay jars containing hundreds of scrolls, many of which were early versions of the Bible at least 1,000 years older than any other known copy.

  Sweet tooth: 48% of Americans feel guilty after eating candy.

  THE ADVENTURES

  OF SUPERMAN

  “Look! Up in the sky...it’s a bird...it’s a plane...no, it’s Superman!” “The Adventures of Superman,” a syndicated TV show filmed from 1951 to 1957, has been on the air sporadically for almost 40 years. By modern standards, the special effects (and even the hero himself) are laughable. But if you’ve never seen the show, or don’t remember it, you’re missing a great slice of 1950s Americana. Check it out.