Uncle John's Presents: Book of the Dumb Read online

  H. G. Wells, Bram Stoker, Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Robert Louis Stevenson, and H. Rider Haggard twirling rapidly in their graves.”—Boston Globe

  “These guys have dumbed down a comic book.”

  —Los Angeles Times

  “All the characters try to out-cool each other, and each spits out the most ruthlessly stupid dialogue in ages. It actually sounds like little kids playing with plastic action figures—‘The enemy is mine!! Ha ha!’”—San Francisco Examiner

  “In a way, LXG is extraordinary. Despite Connery and Moore’s source material, it’s an extraordinary waste of time and an astounding piece of incoherent storytelling. The combination of intricate, dazzling designs and absurd violence is almost unique. I’ve certainly never seen anything like it—and I hope I never do again.”—Chicago Tribune

  “I found myself in the League of I Want Out of Here.”

  —Reel Talk

  NOT VERY COOL

  You think it’s hot where you are. Try being an allied soldier in Iraq in the summer. Not only is it blistering hot—and no, it doesn’t help that it’s a dry heat—but as a soldier your discomfort is compounded by the fact you’re wearing a bunch of heavy equipment and weaponry. Fact is, if you aren’t sweating like a pig, it’s because you probably already had sunstroke.

  Cooling-off Period

  It was under these conditions that a lance corporal with the British contingent, came up with what he thought was a very cool idea. It’s hot out here in the sun, he reasoned. But inside this conveniently placed walk-in refrigeration unit, it’s refreshingly cool! I’ll just wander inside and have a quick nap. And that’s what he did—and that’s where he was found by his fellow soldiers some undetermined time later, in an alarming stage of hypothermia. His pals hustled him off to the medics; he suffered minor injuries but major embarrassment and initially tried to suggest that he had somehow managed to get accidentally locked in.

  No one was buying, but everyone understood. “The lad was a bit of a fool to think he could have a kip in a fridge and not suffer from pretty bad consequences,” said a British soldier. “But it’s so hot here that most people kind of understand what was behind his bizarre logic.”

  It was probably a dry cool.

  Source: ABC News Online (Australia)

  THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR CUTTING IN LINE

  From the lunch line in kindergarten on you’ve been told: don’t cut in line. Cutting in line is rude; more than that, it’s elitist. What you’re saying when you cut in line is that you’re better than the people who are patiently waiting their turn. Egalitarians that we are, we hate that. Which is why, in the grand list of People to Be Punished, line-cutters are right at the top with telemarketers and people who use cell phones at movies. So this tale of line-cutting karmic revenge should satisfy you.

  “Arnold” was in Albany, waiting for a bus to take him to New York City. When it arrived, Arnold didn’t see the point in waiting in line to board with the rest of the rabble. So he just cut ahead, hopped on the bus, and took a seat. This flagrant disregard of the other passengers incensed the bus driver, who told the cops. The cops arrived and asked Arnold for his ticket. Arnold reached into his pocket and pulled it out, but as he was doing so, a little extra something fell out of his pocket: a joint.

  The cops wanted to take Arnold to jail. Arnold attempted a physical protest. It didn’t work. While at the sheriff’s lockup, Arnold showed he was a man of surprises, since in addition to the aforementioned pot, he was also carrying 18 small plastic bags of crack cocaine. These, it should be noted, weren’t exactly in his pocket—he had secreted them somewhere else. No wonder he was in a rush to get back to New York City.

  Arnold was charged with unlawful possession of marijuana, resisting arrest, felony counts of tampering with evidence, and drug possession. His next bus trip may be to prison. Wonder if he’ll try to cut in line for that bus.

  Source: Associated Press

  DO YOU SMELL THAT?

  Let’s suppose you’ve got 170 pounds of marijuana in your apartment, which you then decide to dry out by cranking up your thermostat to 100 degrees. How many air fresheners do you need to hide the massive pot funk emanating from your residence?

  Well, it’ll need to be more than the single, lone Glade air freshener five Chicago college students put near their front door. The poor household product was simply overwhelmed by the drugs, which was probably why the neighbors complained and the cops came around. “Once you got off the elevator you could smell it,” one cop said. Our students were arrested and the pot (worth an estimated $467,000) hauled away. The air freshener, we assume, stayed.

  Source: Chicago Sun-Times

  ULTIMATE MELLOW HARSHER

  The old adage says that time heals all wounds. Likewise, science tells us that people who smoke a lot of pot damage their memory, at least temporarily. Put the two together, and you may end up with a couple like “Gio” and “Gia,” from the Liguria region of Italy. This older couple (he 66, she 57) needed someplace to grow their marijuana plants. Someplace far from the prying eyes of the authorities. Someplace quiet and out of the way, where their plants wouldn’t be bothered. Say, at the grave site of their son.

  Two things here. First, man, that’s just so not cool. How far do those plant roots reach down? Where are those soil nutrients coming from? Here’s a hint: they’re in a cemetery. By the grave of this couple’s son. Did they ever stop to consider that before they toked up? Second, of course, no matter where you put six-foot-high cannabis plants, sooner or later someone’s bound to notice, especially if you put them in a public area, like a graveyard.

  And so the authorities did notice, and, perhaps tipped off by the name on the headstone by which all the pot plants were congregating, paid a visit to Gio and Gia, who readily admitted to “using the cemetery for illegal acts.” Police also found pot plants in Gio and Gia’s courtyard, where presumably nothing besides the occasional pet might be buried.

  Perhaps from here on out, Gio and Gia will just leave flowers. Let’s hope they’re not poppies.

  Source: Ananova

  NOT THE RECORD TO HOLD IF YOU WANT TO MEET GROOVY CHICKS

  Radhakant Bajpai has hair. Award-winning hair. Long, flowing hair of the sort that people can���t help but notice—indeed, hair that cries out for attention. And attention it has received, including the attention of the Guinness Book of World Records. This repository of all things world-record-y has declared that Radhakant has the longest hair in the world.

  What’s so dumb about that, you ask? This: it’s his ear hair, people.

  Yes, Mr. Bajpai of India has tufts of hair sprouting out of his ears to the length of over five inches. That’s more than half an inch longer than the tufts of the previous record holder Anthony Victor, also of India—and that’s a fact that should have the UN scrambling to send emergency stores of personal grooming kits to the subcontinent as quickly as possible. Mr. Bajpai proclaims that he was inspired in his strange and inexplicable quest for auditory hirsuteness by former ear-hair record holder B.D. Tyagi, of Bhopal, India.

  What Is Going On Down There?

  Although most men in the world would rather die than have ear hair long enough to braid—and rightly so—Bajpai is reveling in his disturbing, newfound fame. “Making it to the Guinness records is indeed a special occasion for me and my family. God has been very kind to me,” he said to the Hindustan Times. Which makes you wonder about his standards for divine kindness.

  So, guys, the next time you’re yanking out those unsightly ear hairs, just remember that you’re blowing your chance for being in the Guinness Book of World Records. Good for you!

  Sources: Hindustan Times, Ananova

  WHY YOU DON’T CHEW ON HAIR

  Surgeons in India removed a pound of hair from the stomach of a 24-year-old woman who suffered from trichophagia, a psychological disorder that compels one to ingest hair, which is indigestible and can collect in the stomach. The freaky wrinkle: it wasn’t her hai
r, it was her mother’s. The family of the woman admitted she had this thing for eating her mother’s hair, but they refused to provide information on how she obtained the hair.

  Source: Chandigarh Tribune

  YOU CAN PUT THEM RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR FAKE CREDIT CARDS

  Worried that your pathetic attempts to attract hot dates are not nearly pathetic enough? We’ve got the thing for you: fake ATM slips.

  The idea is simplicity itself: the fake ATM slip has both a fake bank (Fidelity National Bank & Savings), a fake withdrawal amount ($400), and most importantly, a fake remaining balance—$314,159.26. The idea is that the person you’re trying to impress will take your phone number just to get you out of their hair, then you jot down your number on one of these fake ATM slips and scoot it over. Your intended target will be so overwhelmed by the numbers on the ATM slip that he or she will be willing to set aside any previous objections in order for the chance to mine your savings account like the gold diggers of old. And who wouldn’t want that?

  All That Glitters, Baby

  There are drawbacks, of course. Most obviously, the whole reason you’re using the fake ATM slip is because you don’t have $314,159.26 in your bank account, and sooner or later the object of your affections will figure that out, probably after that third date at a restaurant where paper napkins are only grudgingly supplied. Ultimately, no matter how desperate you are for companionship, it isn’t easy spending time with someone who basically sees you as a cash register with a pulse.

  Finally, on the extremely off chance that the person you’ve enticed with a fake ATM slip actually does turn out to be a wonderful human being who you could spend the rest of eternity with, you’re totally hosed because your very first contact with him or her was a total lie. And it’s just hard to come back from that sort of betrayal.

  Sure, in movies, people who pull stunts like this are forgiven and live happily ever after. But if you were in the movies, you wouldn’t have needed the fake ATM slip to begin with. It’s a vicious cycle.

  Forget the fake ATM slips. Be honest. At least that way, when your first dinner date is cafeteria-style, your date will know that it really is the best that you can do.

  Source: Charlotte Observer

  “Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”

  —Elbert Hubbard

  “You can swim all day in the Sea of Knowledge and still come out completely dry. Most people do.”

  —Norman Juster

  “Every man has his follies—and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.”

  —Josh Billings

  FIRST WE TAKE AUSTRIA, THEN LIECHTENSTEIN WILL FALL LIKE A PLUMP GRAPE

  Austria is famed for being the birthplace of Arnold Schwarzenegger and for having something to do with that Amadeus guy in that movie our music teacher made us watch.

  But for all its obvious contributions to the world’s critically short supply of Teutonically inflected one liners, it’s not a country that anyone realistically imagines to be near the top of the list for potential invasion by enemy forces. Yes, sure, the Russians did go through Vienna at the end of WWII, and the entire country was occupied for 10 years by the Allied powers. But that was years ago. Today, Austria can be largely assumed safe from invasion.

  An Army of One

  However, as Thomas Jefferson once said, “The price of liberty is eternal vigilance.” That’s why when, in May 2003, “Hans,” a 53-year-old Austrian forester, spotted someone tromping through the woods wearing camouflage and sporting what appeared to be a rifle, he assumed the worst: invaders, perhaps indirectly blaming Austria for unleashing Last Action Hero on an unsuspecting globe. Hans didn’t wait to see the whites of their eyes; he called the local police, who in turn helped to initiate a major military alert. In no time the woods were crawling with dogs and specially trained “Cobra” combat forces; helicopters scanned the invasion area from above. The Austrian navy, still reeling from the defection of Captain Von Trapp, could only look on nervously.

  Eventually the invading “army” was discovered. It consisted of a 15-year-old boy dressed in camo, carrying a wooden toy gun. He was on his way to a friend’s house and used the woods as a shortcut. The boy said that all the months of watching the fighting in Iraq had made him want to go out and play soldiers.

  Tonight, Austria sleeps, safe from invasion. Hans, back in the forest, will receive ribbing about the incident from friends and woodland animals alike for the rest of his life. And the world remains unavenged for Last Action Hero.

  SEMPER FINANCE

  Just because the U.S. Marine Corps gives you a credit card doesn’t mean you can use it for whatever you want. This was discovered by a Marine staff sergeant who was sentenced to 14 months in a military prison for making some interesting unauthorized purchases on a Corps credit card. Some of the purchases: a car, a motorcycle, and a boob job. All told she made $129,709 in improper purchases. In addition to jail time, she was demoted, discharged, and fined. No word if she has to give back her purchases, even the implantable ones.

  Source: Associated Press

  HISTORICAL DUMBOSITY: BAD FOOD IDEAS

  The average grocery store in the United States and Canada holds thousands and thousands of product lines, and every one of them is a winner—in that they’ve managed to get on the shelves and stay there. But for every success story like Twinkies or Orville Redenbacher, there’s about a hundred culinary missteps that hit the shelves for a little while before being relegated to oblivion. Here are some of those sad, wan bad food ideas.

  Wine & Dine Dinners: These boxed dinners, created by wine distributor Heublein in the 1970s, were pasta dishes with sauce and a little bottle of cooking wine to use as you cooked the foods. But you know how people love not to read directions. Most people who bought the stuff thought you were supposed to drink the wine, and as anyone who’s ever sampled cooking wine knows, it’s not really for drinking. This is one of those “got bought once” things.

  Gerber’s Singles: In 1974 the famed baby food company thought: hey, why not make food for people with teeth? And so it came out with a whole line of foods for grown-ups, in convenient single-serving form. And they put it in the same jars into which they put their baby food. Somehow, single grown-ups just couldn’t hang with the idea of eating their food out of a jar that resembled what strained peas came out of when they had little if any motor control. The Singles disappeared shortly thereafter.

  Jell-O for Salads: Watch it wiggle, see it jiggle, cool and . . . vegetable-y? Yes, that’s right, the folks at Jell-O thought that the American consumer might go for Jell-O in flavors like tomato and celery. But the 99.98% of Americans who would rather saw off an arm than ask for the recipe for Tomato Aspic Salad (2 packages sugar-free lemon Jell-O, 1 cup boiling water, 2 small cans tomato sauce, 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce, 1 teaspoon lemon juice—mix well and run screaming from this unholy culinary monstrosity) decided not to go there.

  Reddi Bacon: What could be more of a natural complement to a whipped dessert topping than foil-wrapped bacon you place in your toaster? That was the thinking at the Reddi-Wip company, which suggests someone over at Reddi R&D spent a little too much time huffing the aerosol out of those whipped topping cans. Reddi Bacon failed because people just didn’t make the natural association between dessert topping and breakfast meat, and there was also the minor problem that when you put fat-laden meat into a toaster, foil-wrapped or not, it has a tendency to leak hot fat, which then has a tendency to catch fire. An exciting time at breakfast, to be sure. But that’s not what everyone wants.

  Campbell’s No-Salt Soups: The soup giant put out soups with no salt in them, leading the American public to realize that soup without salt needs a little something extra to make it palatable. Like, oh, we don’t know, maybe salt. There was also the fact that Campbell’s ditched its familiar red-and-white can design for a bright blue-and-white color scheme, which was also off-putting to consumers. To quote Steinberg: “The re
sult looked unnatural, almost terrifying—the sort of thing Campbell’s would use to package a line of radioactive soups: ‘Plutonium and Stars,’ ‘Cream of Deuterium,’ ‘Heavy Broth.’” Mmm, mmm, good!

  (The examples here are culled Neil Steinberg’s classic on bad ideas: Complete & Utter Failure: A Celebration of Also-Rans, Runners-Up, Never-Weres and Total Flops. If you don’t own this book, you should.)

  AN EXPANDING MARKET

  North Americans are getting larger—and manufacturers of home scales are answering their increasing needs. The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation reported that scale makers in the United States are raising the top weight on their scales. Scales, which once ranged from 270 to 300 pounds, will now range from 300 to 400 pounds. “Four hundred seemed a reasonable number. If we find consumers need a higher capacity, we have the technology to do it,” said Jennifer Hansard, marketing director for scale maker Health-O-Meter.

  Source: CBC.ca