Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader Read online

  SHOE REPAIR. The average cost of a new pair of men’s shoes is about $50. It costs less than half that to fix a pair of shoes, but cobbling is a dying profession. There were 120,000 cobblers in the U.S. in the 1930s; there are just 7,000 today. But the bad economy has been good for the industry. According to retail trade groups, cobbling is up 25 percent. Sales of new shoes: down 3 percent.

  SEEDS. You can save money by growing vegetables at home instead of buying them, and the newly unemployed have more time to tend gardens. Result: Seed catalog businesses are actually enjoying the recession. Onion seed seller Dixondale Farms reports 40 percent growth; the organic Seeds of Change says sales have increased 30 percent.

  VACATION RENTAL HOMES. Since the economy sank, many Americans who own vacation homes have tried unsuccessfully to sell them for quick cash. So they’ve turned to another option: renting them out for a week at a time to vacationers. Americans still want to take vacations, but they want to spend less money doing so, and renting a private home costs a lot less than seven nights in a hotel. HomeAway is a company that manages these kinds of properties. Since 2007 its business has increased 59 percent.

  CHOCOLATE. In December 2008, cocoa futures hit their highest level in 25 years. It’s partially because supply was down, but it’s also because chocolate demand was way up during the recession—chocolate is a comfort food. In the London futures market, the price of cocoa rose 71 percent in a single year to $2,546 per ton.

  RANDOM BITS ON ’70s HITS

  Pop songs are short, catchy, and memorable—just like these facts.

  • “My Sweet Lord,” by George Harrison. The Beatles broke up in 1970. This song hit #1 in ’71—the first chart-topper for any solo former Beatle.

  • “Close to You,” by Carpenters. It’s Carpenters (not “the” Carpenters), and this is their best-known song. But it’s a cover. The original version was recorded in 1963 by Richard Chamberlain—TV’s Dr. Kildare—as an attempt at a teen-idol singing career.

  • “Stairway to Heaven,” by Led Zeppelin. The bestselling rock song ever…in sheet music (more than a million copies were sold).

  • “Daniel,” by Elton John. As recorded, it’s cryptically from the point of view of a man who misses his brother as he’s “heading for Spain.” John thought the song was too long, so he didn’t record lyricist Bernie Taupin’s final verse that explains the story—Daniel is a Vietnam vet who returns home blind and disillusioned and leaves America forever—for Spain.

  • “Take Me Home, Country Roads,” by John Denver. The backing singers on this recording were a vocal group known as Fat City, who later changed their name to the Starland Vocal Band and had a huge hit in 1976 with “Afternoon Delight.”

  • “Morning Has Broken,” by Cat Stevens. Rick Wakeman, the keyboard virtuoso from the progressive rock band Yes, arranged the song and played piano. He wasn’t paid for the session until 2000, when he received a check for $15.

  • “Sweet Home Alabama,” by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Three band members cowrote the song: Ronnie Van Zant, Gary Rossington, and Ed King. So who was from Alabama? None of them: Van Zant and Rossington were from Florida; King was from California.

  • “Night Fever,” by the Bee Gees. Drummer Dennis Byron recorded the song shortly before leaving to attend his father’s funeral. He wasn’t around for the rest of the Saturday Night Fever sessions, so a portion of his work on this song was looped to provide the drums for “Stayin’ Alive.” And though “Stayin’ Alive” is probably the most famous disco (and Bee Gees song) ever, “Night Fever” actually sold more copies and was a bigger hit.

  • “Bohemian Rhapsody,” by Queen. According to guitarist Brian May, the group did so many vocal and guitar overdubs that by the end of recording, the overused master tape was almost transparent.

  • “No Woman, No Cry,” by Bob Marley and the Wailers. Marley’s first hit (in England) was also one of the few songs he recorded but didn’t write. It was written by his friend Vincent Ford, who ran a soup kitchen in Jamaica. The royalties from this song kept the charity afloat for decades.

  • “Hotel California,” by the Eagles. The line “stab them with their steely knives” is a reference and homage to Steely Dan, whose 1976 song “Everything You Did” contains the lyric “Turn up the Eagles, the neighbors are listening.”

  • “You’re the One That I Want,” by John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John. This song was not in the original 1971 stage version of Grease. It was written specifically for the movie (but has since been included in the stage version).

  • “Alison,” by Elvis Costello. On this, Costello’s first single, he was backed by the group Clover. The group had a harmonica player who wasn’t needed for the session—Huey Lewis. Clover later became Huey Lewis and the News.

  • “Baker Street,” by Gerry Rafferty. The saxophone part by Raphael Ravenscroft was supposed to be filler—a placeholder until it could be overdubbed with a guitar solo later. But the sax part was never replaced, it became the song’s signature element, and the record went to #2 on the charts. Ravenscroft was paid $50 for the session. (And the check bounced.)

  • “Le Freak,” by Chic. The songwriter conceived the opening lyric of “ah-h-h-h freak out” much differently from the way it appeared on the record. The word “freak” was substituted for a radio-unfriendly F-word, and “out” was used instead of “off.”

  DOWN THE HATCH!

  Here’s how folks around the world toast each other when they’re having a drink.

  India/Pakistan: Aish karo! (Enjoy!)

  Slovakia: Na zdravie!

  (To health!)

  Romania: Noroc! (Good luck!)

  France: Sante! (To health!) or Cul sec! (Bottoms up!)

  Arabic: Shereve! (To health!)

  Finland: Kippis! (Cheers!)

  China: Gan Bei!

  (Empty the glass!)

  Swahili: Afya! (Health!)

  Philippines: Mabuhay! (Long live!)

  Sri Lanka: Onna Ehenam? (Shall we, gentlemen?)

  Serbia: Ziveli! (For health!)

  Portugal: Saude! (Health!)

  Latvia: Prieka (To joy!)

  Esperanto: Je zia sano! (Health!)

  Germany: Prosit! (Cheers!)

  Argentina: Chin-Chin! (Sound of clinking glasses)

  Iceland: Skal! (The cup!)

  Italy: Cent’ anni!

  (A hundred years [of luck]!)

  Turkey: Serefe! (To honor!)

  Hawaii: Hauoli maoli oe!

  (To your happiness!)

  Spain: Salud! (Health!)

  Israel: L’Chayim (To life!)

  Albania: Gezuar! (Cheers!)

  Greece: Yia Mas!

  (To our health!)

  Brazil: Saude! Viva!

  (To your health!)

  Hungary: Egészségére!

  (To your health!)

  Kenya: Maisha Merefu!

  (To good life!)

  Estonia: Terviseks! (For health!)

  Lebanon: Kessak! (Cheers!)

  Iran: Salahmatie!

  (To good health!)

  Indonesia: Selamat minum! (Cheers!)

  Korea: Ogung bai!

  (Bottoms up!)

  Yiddish: Zol zon tzgezhint! (To your health!)

  DO-IT-YOURSELF DISASTERS

  Tackling a home project? Be careful…or it might just tackle you.

  PROBLEM: Tone Pina’s apartment in Citrus Heights, California, was infested by thousands of cockroaches.

  FIX: Because there were so many roaches, Pina got a lot of bug bombs. He said about 8 to 10; the police later said there were probably as many as 18. (One or two is usually recommended.) Pina set them all off at the same time and rushed out of his house.

  OUTCOME: A spark from his refrigerator ignited the fumes, triggering an explosion that separated the building’s walls from its roof, caused three families to lose their homes, and cost more than $1 million to repair. Pina still has cockroaches.

  PROBLEM: In 2007 a Brevard, North Carolina, teena
ger’s Xbox 360 video game console kept turning off every five minutes. FIX: The 14-year-old boy did some research online and found a Web site that the said the power supply was probably overheating. So, following the directions provided, he wrapped the power supply in plastic and tape and submerged it in a bowl of cool water… while it was still plugged in.

  OUTCOME: The teen’s mother walked into the room a few minutes later and found him lying unconscious on his back. She rushed him to the hospital, where he was treated for minor burns to his right hand and right foot.

  PROBLEM: While trying to fix up his old Lincoln Continental, a 66-year-old man from South Kitsap, Washington, tried everything he could think of to get that last stubborn lug nut off the right rear wheel.

  FIX: Frustrated, he went and got his 12-gauge shotgun. Holding the barrel only a few feet away from the lug nut, he fired.

  OUTCOME: His plan backfired—literally. A police spokesman said the man’s legs were “peppered with buckshot.” He was taken to the hospital for serious (but not life-threatening) injuries.

  PROBLEM: Weeds were growing between the hedges at the home of a German gardener.

  FIX: While it’s not uncommon for gardeners to use a small blowtorch to clear weeds from cracks in a driveway or sidewalk, it’s not recommended when the weeds are growing among giant hedges. But that’s what this 54-year-old gardener tried to do.

  OUTCOME: The hedges caught fire…then the toolshed…then the roof of his house. Unable to extinguish the blaze with his garden hose, the man called the fire department. By the time they put it out, his house was so damaged that it was uninhabitable.

  PROBLEM: A 45-year-old man from Düsseldorf, Germany, found a hole in his inflatable air mattress.

  FIX: He tried to seal the hole with tire solvent, which is flammable. Then he used an electric air pump to blow up the mattress.

  OUTCOME: A spark from the pump ignited the solvent, and the explosion knocked out a wall and shattered all of the windows in the apartment. The man and his daughter were treated for burns, but were otherwise okay.

  PROBLEM: The toilet in the master bathroom of Carol Taddei’s Minneapolis home stopped working.

  FIX: Taddei, a retired paralegal, wanted to save money on costly repairs, so she purchased a new toilet and tried to install it herself.

  OUTCOME: The new toilet seemed to work fine at first…but Taddei didn’t know that a pipe underneath it was leaking. A few days later, the bathroom floor gave out and the commode crashed down into the living room below. In Taddei’s rush to get the hardware store for repair supplies, her car clipped a pole in the garage, dislodging the bumper and sending several shelves of flower pots crashing down. Total cost for repairs: $3,000.

  “My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?”

  —Erma Bombeck

  KITCHEN Q&A

  The top chefs at the Bathroom Readers’ Institute are here to answer

  some basic questions about our second-favorite room in the house.

  What is “freezer burn”? Is it bad for you?

  You put your pound of hamburger or chicken breasts into a plastic bag and stick it in the freezer. When you take it out a few months later, it has dry-looking patches all over it. That’s “freezer burn.” It occurs when the water molecules in the food form ice crystals and migrate out of the food. The loss of water dehydrates the surface of the frozen food, creating those dry patches. Best way to avoid freezer burn: Wrap foods tightly in moisture-resistant packaging and keep the freezer temperature at a constant 0°F. (Tight packaging will also prevent oxygen molecules from creeping in and altering the food’s flavor.) Freezer burn can make food (especially meat) look unappetizing and even taste a bit stale, but don’t worry—it isn’t harmful.

  What’s the reason for boiling live lobsters?

  Any dead (but uncooked) crustacean will begin to deteriorate very quickly, so we’ve gotten into the habit of protecting ourselves from potential food poisoning by putting the live lobsters directly into boiling water. Seems like a good solution, since lobsters don’t feel pain, right? Wrong. Scientific evidence shows the opposite: They actually suffer severely. A more humane way to deal with a live lobster is to freeze it for several hours to reduce nerve function and pain sensitivity before dropping it into the pot, or to practice the quick-kill technique of inserting a knife point into the back of the lobster’s head, an inch below the eyes, in the middle of the back—and then put it immediately into the boiling water.

  Why do they put wax (or whatever that stuff is) on cucumbers?

  It is wax—edible food-grade wax. Growers apply it to retain moisture and protect against damage during shipping. For reasons of taste and aesthetics, most chefs recommend peeling waxed cukes before you eat them. If you don’t want to peel it, a good scrub with soapy water will make an unpeeled waxed cucumber more palatable…but it won’t remove all the wax. Don’t like wax on your cucumbers? Avoid it by buying local produce.

  Is it true that you have to cook pork until it’s well done?

  No. Before 1980 it was legal in the U.S. to feed pigs garbage containing raw meat, which sometimes included animal parts infected with the trichina spiralis parasite, the cause of a deadly disease called trichinosis. It was thought that pork had to be cooked to 180°F (very well done) in order to kill the parasite. Two things have changed: First, in 1980 uncooked garbage was outlawed as pig food. And second, it was discovered that cooking pork to only 137°F will destroy the parasite. To be completely safe, the USDA recommends 160°F, which is medium doneness. Since 1980, cases of trichinosis have declined to about 10 per year in the U.S., most of which have been traced to undercooked game meats such as bear and boar.

  There’s mold on my cheese. Can I eat it anyway?

  It depends. With most soft cheeses, such as Brie, Camembert, mozzarella, chèvre, Monterey Jack, Muenster, and ricotta, any unfamiliar mold growth means toss it—do not eat. But you can eat hard cheeses if you cut out the mold to a depth of one inch on all sides of it. Molds form threadlike roots that insinuate themselves into the foods on which they grow, and even though most molds are harmless (like the ones used to produce blue cheeses), some are not. If you can’t cut away all of the mold, the safest thing to do is throw out the cheese. (Caution: Don’t let the knife touch the mold or you’ll end up cross-contaminating the cheese—and the mold may reappear.) Some hard cheeses that are generally considered safe to eat once the mold is removed: cheddar, Colby, Gruyère, Asiago, Parmesan, and Swiss.

  Is that red juice oozing from the roast beef actually blood?

  No. Blood is hemoglobin, found in arteries. That red juice is myoglobin , a purplish-colored protein found in the tissue cells of meat. When it combines with oxygen, it’s called oxymyoglobin and looks bright red. That’s why the surface of raw meat is bright red. It’s also why the liquid that oozes from your roast beef is bright red: The myoglobin has been exposed to oxygen. Chicken and other “white” meats contain less myoglobin than red meats.

  WHAT A CONCEPT!

  If there’s one thing Uncle John remembers about his school days (besides

  bad dorm food), it’s all those different theoretical concepts he learned in

  history, science, economics, and other classes. Here’s a sampling.

  Concept: Meinong’s Jungle (Philosophy)

  What It Means: Alexius Meinong was a 19th-century Austrian philosopher who believed that since we have the ability to conceive of things that do not exist—unicorns, islands in the sky, square circles, the sound of one hand clapping, honest politicians—these things must exist in some sense. Meinong’s jungle is the place where all the things that do not exist, exist.

  Concept: Opportunity Cost (Economics)

  What It Means: The sacrifice a person makes when choosing one product or service over another. If you spend $1,000 on a new transmission for your car instead of going on vacation, for example,
you are giving up rest and relaxation in order to keep your car running. The lost rest and relaxation is part of the cost—the opportunity cost—of the transmission. Likewise, if you choose to watch an episode of CSI instead of an episode of Law & Order on another channel, giving up the opportunity to watch Law & Order is the price you pay to enjoy the episode of CSI.

  Concept: Lullaby Effect (Psychology)

  What It Means: It’s the process by which humans and other organisms adapt and become desensitized to new—and frequently repeated—stimulus. If you move into a house next to the railroad tracks, for example, after a while you may not even notice the noise and the rattling caused by the trains passing by.

  Concept: Motherese (Linguistics)

  What It Means: Also known as Child-Directed Speech, motherese is what we think of as “baby talk”—the special language that a parent or other caretaker uses when addressing infants and young children. Characteristics can include shorter words and simpler sentences than in normal speech, a higher and more variable pitch, and a specialized vocabulary. Experts in child development and language acquisition are still debating whether baby talk enables babies to develop language skills more quickly.