Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader Read online

  —Ticker

  “I guess it doesn’t really matter since I kind of blew up all the evidence.”

  —On Deadly Ground

  “I’m gonna cut off your feet and throw them in that basket there. Cute, huh?”

  —Above the Law

  “I love giving away all my possessions. It makes me feel real spiritual.”

  —Marked for Death

  George: Did you really beat a suspect unconscious with a dead cat?

  Orin (Seagal): No. The cat wasn’t dead.

  —Exit Wounds

  “I want to kill you so bad, I can hardly contain myself.”

  —Hard to Kill

  “If your daddy knew exactly how stupid you were, he’d trade you in for a pet monkey.”

  —Fire Down Below

  “One thought he was invincible, the other thought he could fly. They were both wrong.”

  —Marked for Death

  Jordan: I hate being alone.

  Casey Ryback (Seagal): Do you hate being dead?

  —Under Siege

  “What am I doing? Oh, I’m making a bomb.”

  —Under Siege 2

  John wej:jav’maH: Besides Klingon, the Bible is also available in Vulcan and Romulan.

  THE LEGO SPILL OF ’97

  Oil spills get all the press—but what about Legos? Sneakers? TNT? It turns out that a lot of strange things end up in our oceans.

  THE SS TOKIO EXPRESS

  Lost Cargo: Toys

  What Happened: In February 1997, a rogue wave struck the Tokio Express off Lands End, England, knocking several cargo containers into the sea. Inside the containers: 4,756,940 Legos, including tiny frying pans, witch hats, and countless Lego scuba tanks, life preservers, rafts, spear guns, and other sea-themed Legos. Some of the toys washed up on the shores of England; others drifted all the way Florida. Those Legos are not alone: Shipping containers fall into the sea all the time. During the stormy winter season it’s not uncommon for as many as 500 containers to fall off the world’s ships every month, and many of them burst open when they hit the water. If the cargo inside is buoyant, it can float for months or even years before washing ashore somewhere in the world.

  THE SS RICHARD MONTGOMERY

  Lost Cargo: Bombs

  What Happened: In August 1944, this American cargo ship ran aground and broke in two in the Thames Estuary in southeast England. It was carrying 6,127 tons of explosives—including more than 13,000 bombs weighing 250 pounds each—bound for U.S. military forces in France. About half the deadly cargo was salvaged in the weeks that followed. The rest, including more than 1,400 tons of TNT, remain on or near the wreck today, in water so shallow that parts of the ship can be seen poking out of the water.

  Whether the passage of time has made the wreck more or less likely to explode is debatable. Opinions are similarly divided over whether the wreck should be cleaned up, detonated, “contained” inside a massive concrete barrier, or just left alone. When an attempt was made in 1967 to remove munitions from a similarly laden Polish ship that sank in the English Channel in 1946, the wreck exploded with a force equivalent to an earthquake measuring 4.5 on the Richter scale. If the Richard Montgomery ever blew up, it’s estimated that the blast and resulting tsunami would do $1.8 billion worth of damage to nearby coastal communities. The British government says the risk of such an explosion is “remote,” but it has established a 24-hour guard to keep divers and pleasure boaters away…just in case.

  At latitude 60° south, it is possible to sail around the world without reaching land.

  THE HANSA CARRIER

  Lost Cargo: Sneakers

  What Happened: In May 1990, the freighter was traveling from South Korea to the United States when it encountered a violent storm off the Alaskan Peninsula. By the time the storm passed, 21 cargo containers had been washed off the deck and into the sea, including five containers holding an estimated 80,000 Nike sneakers and work boots. When the soggy but still wearable shoes began washing up along the coasts of Washington and Oregon, local residents used the serial numbers to match left and right shoes and created pairs that could be worn or sold. “Meet and Match” days were even organized for people to get together and swap shoes.

  THE TRICOLOR

  Lost Cargo: Automobiles

  What Happened: In 2002 the Norwegian Tricolor sank after colliding with another cargo ship while both were trying to avoid a third ship in heavy fog. The Tricolor was carrying 2,862 brand new luxury cars, including BMWs, Volvos, and Saabs. Because it sank in shallow water in one of the busiest sea lanes in the world, the Tricolor could not be left where it was; instead, it was cut into nine sections that were recovered one by one in a salvage operation that took 15 months. The cars were recovered, too, but they had to be written off as a total loss. Estimated retail value: $105 million, making this arguably the biggest “car wreck” in history.

  OTHER SPILLS O’ STUFF

  • The Hyundai Seattle (1994): 34,000 hockey gloves, chest protectors, and shin guards.

  • The Hengtong 320 (1997): 480,000 cans of Chinese beer.

  • The Diamond Knot (1946): Seven million cans of salmon, or roughly 10% of Alaska’s salmon catch for the year. Half of the cans were later “vacuumed” up from the wreck and salvaged.

  Beaver Cleaver’s address: 211 Pine St., Mayfield, USA.

  DUCK…DUCK…GOOSE!

  These vintage kids’ games don’t involve TVs or high-tech computers—just a bunch of kids who want to have fun. If you’ve got a few bored youngsters hanging around, teach them how to play…and maybe even join in yourself.

  GAME: Follow the Leader

  HOW IT’S PLAYED: A “leader” is chosen by drawing straws, or by consensus. Everyone else forms a line behind that person. The leader then leads the procession around the room, and each follower must mimic the leader’s actions (like twirling around three times, jumping in the air, and shouting “Potatoes!”) as closely as possible. Those who don’t mimic the leader correctly are out of the game, and the last person standing is the next leader.

  GAME: I Spy

  HOW IT’S PLAYED: One kid looks around a room or yard and gives a clue about a chosen object, such as “I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with the letter W. The rest of the kids have to guess what it is; if nobody can, the spy continues with more clues until someone guesses what it is. The correct guesser becomes the next leader. (The object in the example: a Wurlitzer.)

  GAME: Indian Wrestling

  HOW IT’S PLAYED: This was taken, so the story goes, from an actual game played by Native Americans (although the tribe has never been identified). In any case it’s a fun game: Two players lie on their backs next to each other, head to toe, and lock arms. They each raise one leg—the one closest to the other player—straight up three times, counting “one, two, three” as they do. On the third lift they quickly interlock their legs and, like arm wrestling, they each attempt to pull the other player’s leg over and touch their opponent’s foot to the ground.

  Really? There are 127 ways to spell the last name Raleigh.

  GAME: Memory

  HOW IT’S PLAYED: Place 10 to 15 small items—a pencil, a paper clip, a key, and so on—on a tray. One person is the “monitor,” and makes a list of all the items. The rest of the players sit in a circle, and the monitor places the tray—with a towel over it—in the middle of the circle. The monitor takes the towel off, and the kids get to look at the items for a specific length of time (20 to 60 seconds), after which the towel is replaced. Then the kids, in order around the circle, attempt to name one item on the tray. When an item is named, the monitor crosses it off the list. If a player can’t name an object—no repeats—they’re out. Last person in wins.

  GAME: Statues

  HOW IT’S PLAYED: One player—often called “grandmother” or “grandfather”—stands at the end of a room facing away from the other players. She yells “Go!” and the others race toward her. The first person to tag her wins…but the
re’s a catch: Grandmother may turn around suddenly any time she likes, at which time the other players must stand stock still…like a statue. If grandmother sees you moving, you’re out!

  GAME: Duck, Duck, Goose

  HOW IT’S PLAYED: A group of kids sit in a circle, facing inward. One kid—the “goose”—walks around the circle tapping each sitting child on the head, saying “duck” each time, until she decides to say “goose.” The “goosed” child jumps up and chases the goose around the circle, trying to tag her before she can reach and sit in the empty spot. If the goose is caught, she’s still the goose. If not, the goosed duck is the new goose.

  GAME: Sardines

  HOW IT’S PLAYED: This version of “Hide and Seek” was (and presumably still is) more popular in the U.K. and Canada than in the United States. A group of players close their eyes and count to an agreed upon number (50 or 100 or whatever) while one player goes and hides. When the number is reached, the seekers split up and search for the player. If a seeker finds the hider, the seeker hides, too, as close to that person as possible. The game goes on until only one player is still looking for the seeker, and the hiders are all packed together…like sardines.

  The board game Risk has released Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Narnia, and Transformers editions.

  WEIRD CANADA

  Crystal lakes, snow-capped mountains, hockey, Mounties, universal health care, bilingual traffic signs…and some really, really weird news stories.

  NEWS JUNKIE

  In 2007 the Edmonton Sun interviewed a 70-year-old woman identified only as “Maggie” who claimed she devoured the Edmonton Sun every day—literally. For the previous seven years, she’d cut the newspaper into strips and eaten it because, she said, it “tastes good.” The woman decided to come forward after doctors removed a massive ball of paper that was lodged in her esophagus.

  THESE BANK FEES ARE CRIMINAL

  In 2007 Christopher Emmorey tried to rob a bank in Peterborough, Ontario. Instead of asking a teller for all the money, for some reason Emmorey demanded just $5,000. The teller replied that she had only $200 on hand, adding that because he wasn’t a customer of that bank, he’d have to pay a $5 withdrawal fee. Emmorey waited while the clerk did the paperwork—which he signed—and gave him $195. He was arrested an hour later.

  ICE DANCING WINS

  In 2002 a group of softball players met in a Calgary park for a late-night game. At the next field over, a group of croquet players were also playing a late-night game. A few hours later, six players from both groups were in the hospital (two were seriously injured)—the result of a brawl over which sport was the “manliest.”

  WHO MOVED THE CHEESE?

  La Fromagerie Boivin, one of Quebec’s largest cheese manufacturers, dropped about a ton of cheese into the Saguenay River in 2004. They thought that aging the cheese underwater for twelve months would give it extra moisture and improve its taste and texture. Did it work? We may never know. In October 2005, the cheesemaker announced that despite the use of thousands of dollars in high-tech locating equipment, divers were unable to find the 2,000 pounds of lost cheese.

  Glenn Close and Brooke Shields are second cousins.

  TATTOO YOU

  Lane Jensen, an Alberta tattoo artist, has a tattoo of a large-breasted cowgirl on his left leg. In 2007 he decided his cowgirl didn’t look buxom enough. So his tattoo got “breast” implants—dime-sized bags of silicone inserted into his leg under the tattoo. Two weeks later, Jensen lost a liter of lymphatic fluid from his leg—his body had rejected the implants. “I guess my girl wasn’t meant to have 3-D breasts,” he said.

  WHAT GOES AROUND…

  In 2007 a 15-year-old in Hamilton, Ontario, was sledding one night and decided he wanted to tag a local bridge with some graffiti. He left his gloves and cell phone in the sled and rappelled down the side of the bridge. Suddenly the rope shifted and the boy panicked. He tried to scurry back up but somehow ended up hanging by his feet, upside down. As he tried to wiggle free, his shirt came off. And it was February. And it was –5°F. He was there for two hours before someone finally heard his screams for help and saved him.

  THE SMOKING GUN

  Keep It Simple, a bar in Edmonton, was in danger of being closed in 2003 when officials found out it was not abiding by the citywide smoking ban. The only place smoking is legal is in liquor-licensed bars. But Keep It Simple is a bar for recovering alcoholics—it doesn’t serve alcohol. It does allow smoking, which helps many alcoholics not to drink. But because it didn’t have a liquor license, it was illegal for people to smoke there. So in order to let its non-drinking customers smoke, Keep It Simple applied for and received a liquor license, which it doesn’t use, because it doesn’t sell liquor.

  “Everything is funny as long as it’s happening to someone else.”

  —Will Rogers

  Relative to body size, crows have the largest brains of any bird.

  THE MYSTERIOUS EEL

  And we mean reely, reely, mysterious.

  WHAT ARE THEY?

  Eels have been one of the aquatic world’s great mysteries for for more than 2,000 years. It wasn’t until relatively modern times that scientists discovered that they were a type of fish—specifically members of the class Actinopterygii, the “ray-finned” fishes, making them relatives of herring, anchovies, salmon, and goldfish. Like all fish, eels are cold-blooded, they obtain oxygen via gills, and they have fins. Beyond that they are completely unique.

  Eels make up their own fish order—the Anguilliformes (from “snake-shaped” in Latin). They all have long, tubular bodies, and instead of having separate fins on their backs, tails, and bellies like most other fish, they have one long, continuous fin that goes down the back, around the tail, and up the belly. Another unique characteristic: they’re “naked.” Almost all species of eel have no scales, and those that do have them embedded in their skin. What do they have instead of protective scales? Slime. Eels produce a thick, mucuslike substance that protects their naked skin, and, of course, makes them very slippery.

  SEA EELS

  There are more than 600 different eel species and a tremendous variety of shapes, color, and sizes. Most, by far, are marine—they live exclusively in saltwater oceans and seas. Some standouts:

  • There are about 200 species of Moray eels living in tropical reefs in all the world’s oceans. Some are small, just several inches long; some are huge. Giant Morays, for example, can reach 13 feet in length. Morays have canine-like snouts and large mouths with very sharp teeth. Bonus: They also have an extra set of jaws inside their throats that lunge forward to help swallow prey (just like the creature in the Alien films).

  • Conger eels have pectoral fins—the pair of fins found on the sides of fishes near the head—and big puffy “lips.” Giant Congers are the most massive eels, growing to more than 10 feet long and weighing as much as 240 pounds. If you’ve ever eaten anago at a sushi restaurant—you’ve eaten Conger eel.

  • Snipe eels can be found from about 1,300 to 13,000 feet deep, and they look like eel-birds. The upper part of their long, pointy, beaklike jaws curves upward and the lower part curves downward—like the beaks of the wading birds known as snipes.

  The first Harley-Davidson motorcycle, built in 1903, used a tomato can for a carburetor.

  RIVER EELS

  There are only about 16 species of freshwater eels—but that’s deceiving. Although they’re found in lakes, rivers, and streams around the world, they’re all catadromous: They’re actually born in the oceans, spend most of their lives in freshwater, and eventually go back to the sea to spawn and die. Some standouts:

  • European eels can be found throughout Europe, from Scandinavia to Greece. They grow to about 40 inches in length, and can weigh up to 20 pounds. They have been eaten, and even farmed, for millennia: The ancient Romans kept eels in elaborate garden ponds, and some even kept them for pets.

  • American eels look similar to European eels (though females can grow to five feet lon
g). They’re found in the eastern Americas from northern Canada to Brazil, and as far inland as the Great Lakes. They’re the only freshwater eels in the Western Hemisphere.

  • American eels were a dietary staple to many Native Americans tribes: to the Mi’kmaq people of New England and eastern Canada they were called kat, and they were prepared in many different ways—from raw to steamed to stewed—and their skins were used for making belts, decorations, and even medicine.

  • Japanese eels are found in freshwaters in Japan, Korea, and the Philippines. In the sushi world, they’re unagi.

  A LONG, STRANGE EEL

  The life cycle of freshwater eels is one of the wonders of nature and ones of its ongoing mysteries. The first person known to study them: 4th century B.C. Greek scholar Aristotle. After being unable to find pregnant females carrying eggs, or witness eels mating, he concluded that eels do not procreate—they simply sprout up from “putrefying” mud. That was incorrect, of course, but it took more than 2,000 years to prove him wrong.

  The wad of cotton on the end of a Q-tip is called the bud.

  In 1896 several small, transparent, willow-leaf-shaped fish were discovered in the Mediterranean Sea. They were deemed a new fish species and named leptocephalus, meaning “small head.” Then two Italian biologists captured and raised some in aquariums, and watched—in amazement—as the leptocephali slowly turned into eels. This was the first big clue that eels, even freshwater varieties, were born in the ocean. But where?

  In 1905 Danish oceanographer Johannes Schmidt started searching the Atlantic for the smallest leptocephali he could find. The smaller they were, naturally, the closer he’d be to their place of birth. Fifteen years later, he finally narrowed it down to the Sargasso Sea—a 2,000-mile-long, warm section of the Atlantic Ocean, running roughly from Bermuda to the Azore Islands off Portugal.