Uncle John’s Briefs Read online

  PATAGONIA. A desert in the southernmost parts of Argentina and Chile that extends to the tip of South America. The name comes from pata, Spanish for “paw.” According to legend, when Magellan explored the area in 1520, he was impressed by the gigantic tracks he found in the snow and thought they must belong to a race of giants. In truth, the marks were probably left by the oversize llama-skin shoes worn by the indigenous Tehuelches people.

  THE BALTICS. The three westernmost former Soviet republics Latvia, Lithuania, and Estonia. These eastern European nations are bordered by the Baltic Sea, and other than geographic proximity they have little in common. Latvians and Lithuanians speak related languages, but Estonians use a language similar to Finnish.

  ASIA MINOR. A peninsula in western Asia, bounded by the Black Sea on the north and the Mediterranean Sea on the south. The entire landmass is occupied by Turkey. It gets its name from the fact that it’s a small part of Asia that connects the continent to Europe.

  THE TROPICS. The Tropics is a band between two imaginary lines that circle the Earth, parallel to the equator. The Tropic of Capricorn is 23° south of the equator, and the Tropic of Cancer is 23° north of it. The distinguishing characteristic of the region is that the Sun is directly overhead at least once a year. This makes for very warm climates in locales like Brazil, Polynesia, and northern Australia. The two Tropics are named after the constellations where the Sun was positioned, in ancient times, during the summer solstice.

  SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA. The Sahara Desert stretches across the northern third of Africa through Algeria, Libya, Egypt, Sudan, Niger, Chad, Mauritania, Mali, Morocco, and Tunisia. These nations, some of which have oil-based economies, are largely made up of Muslim Arabic peoples. Nations south of the desert, in sub-Saharan Africa (“below the Sahara”), are inhabited mostly by non-Arabic people. The climate is much hotter and there’s little oil.

  Karmit Tzubera and Dror Orpaz won a kissing contest in 1999. Time: 30 hours, 45 minutes.

  DUMB CROOKS

  Our favorite crooks are the ones who do something dumb, and then do something even dumber.

  EMPTY YOUR BRAINS IN THIS TRAY “Clyde Lamar Pace II made two mistakes. The first, Polk County sheriff’s deputies say, was when he emptied his pockets to pass through a courthouse metal detector and apparently forgot about the small bag of marijuana. He threw it in a baggie without realizing it, and the person working the security post said, ‘Hey, what’s this?’ Chief Deputy Bill Vaughn said. ‘He gave that old “uh-oh, I’ve-been-caught” look, and the chase was on.’ The second mistake was when he ran away from deputies, directly into a locked revolving door. Pace, 18, was arrested for drug possession and resisting arrest.”

  —The Des Moines Register

  THANKS, MOM

  “Trilane A. Ludwig, 24, of Vancouver, was arrested after a traffic stop early New Year’s Day. At 5:30 a.m. he called his mother, Angela Beckham, and asked her to bail him out with the money in his wallet. She handed $500 to a clerk, who suspected the money was phony and called police. The police report described the counterfeit bills as bad copies that were the wrong size. Beckham said she wasn’t going to shell out any real cash to bail him out. The case has been referred to the Secret Service.”

  —Kansas City Star

  THEY’LL NEVER FIND ME HERE…OR HERE

  “In December 1999, Christopher S. Newsome broke into the Delaware County Courthouse in Muncie, Indiana, and stole $25 from the receptionist’s desk. He then hid in a closet, where a janitor found him. When the janitor went to call authorities, Newsome sprinted out of the courthouse, through a parking lot, and toward a nearby building. Unfortunately for Newsome, that building was the county jail. Moments later, the 26-year-old was in handcuffs.”

  —Realpolice.net

  Nothing new: The first weight loss pill was marketed in 1893.

  HOW’D YOU GUYS FIND ME?

  “Police didn’t have much trouble finding Joshua W. Kochell, 27, who they say robbed two Lafayette, Indiana, gas stations. They tracked him through the monitoring device he was ordered to wear on a 2001 sentence for theft and habitual offense. Kochell was being held in Tippecanoe County Jail on $60,000 bond.”

  —Associated Press

  GUILTY AND GUILTIER

  “A New York woman who was given probation for robbery faces four years in jail after punching a juror outside the court. Octavia Williams came face-to-face with juror Geraldine Goldring just after Goldring and the other jurors found her guilty of stealing $160 from a woman in Times Square. Williams ran off after the assault but was caught and returned to the courtroom, where she was charged with assault and contempt of court for ignoring the judge’s instructions to report to probation immediately after the verdict.”

  —New York Daily News

  NOTE TO SELF…

  “Police in Hillsborough, North Carolina, responded to a call from a bank about a man who was acting suspiciously. Capt. Dexter Davis confronted the man and asked if he had a weapon. ‘He pulled his book bag off his shoulders, opened the bag up and held it open to me to show he didn’t have a gun,’ Davis said. When Davis looked inside, there was a note in clear view. It read, ‘I want $10,000 in $100 bills. Don’t push no buttons, or I’ll shot [sic] you.’ Davis laughed out loud, and then arrested Christopher Fields (who also was carrying a 10-inch knife) and turned him over to the FBI.”

  —Durham Herald-Sun

  CRASH TEST DUMMY

  “In Springfield, Illinois, Zachary Holloway, 20, and a pal were arrested and charged with breaking into one car and stealing, among other things, a motorcycle helmet, then attempting to break into another car. To try to get into the second car, Holloway put on the helmet, stood back from the car and charged into it, head-butting a window, unsuccessfully, twice.”

  —The Oregonian

  The light above Big Ben’s clock face is only lit when Parliament is in session.

  HOW TO AVOID

  GETTING HIRED

  Your resumé is a carefully crafted sales pitch about how indispensable you’ll be to prospective employers. That’s what it’s supposed to be, anyway. This list of real-life resume bloopers appeared in Fortune magazine.

  “I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.”

  “I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.”

  “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”

  “Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.”

  “Wholly responsible for two failed financial institutions.”

  “Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.”

  “You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.”

  “Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.”

  “Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.”

  “Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping.’ I have never quit a job.”

  “I am loyal to my employer at all costs….Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.”

  “I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.”

  “As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.”

  “Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”

  “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”

  “The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.”

  “Finished eighth in my class of ten.”

  “It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”

  From 1889 to 1930, over 3,700 people were lynched in the U.S. About 80% were black.

  JUST PLANE WEIRD

  These days, no one makes jokes on a plane, least of all the pilot. Here’s the harrowing tale of a practical joke that almost went horribly wrong.

  CRASH COURSE In 1947 an American Airlines pilot named Charles Sisto was in
command of a propeller-driven DC-4 aircraft carrying 49 passengers from Dallas to Los Angeles. Along with Sisto were his copilot, Melvin Logan, and John Beck, a DC-3 pilot who was learning how to operate the more sophisticated DC-4. While cruising along at 8,000 feet, Captain Sisto invited Beck to take the controls. As Beck was settling into the captain’s chair, Sisto thought he’d have a little fun at the rookie’s expense—he fastened the gust lock, a device that locks up both the rudder and the elevator and is supposed to be used only on the ground.

  Beck was obviously confused when the DC-4 started climbing…and climbing…and kept climbing, no matter what he did. Beck tried everything he could think of, but he couldn’t level the plane out. Finally, suppressing his laughter, Captain Sisto decided that the joke had gone on long enough and unlocked the gust lock. Bad idea: while trying to correct the plane’s altitude, Beck had left the controls set to an extreme position. Once the gust lock was off, the airplane went straight into a nose dive.

  The sudden lurch threw Sisto and Beck, who were not strapped in, out of their seats. They hit the ceiling—which happened to be where the propeller controls were located—and shut off three of the four engines. This actually turned out to be a good thing, because shutting off the propellers slowed the plane’s descent and allowed copilot Logan, who was strapped in, to level the plane just 350 feet from the ground. They made an emergency landing in El Paso, Texas.

  Many of the passengers were injured, but none seriously. At first, the three pilots claimed that the autopilot had failed, but after a lengthy investigation, Sisto finally confessed to his ill-conceived practical joke.

  He was fired.

  Since Neptune was discovered in 1846, it has made about 3/4 of one orbit of the sun.

  UNCLE JOHN’S

  STALL OF FAME

  You’d be amazed at the number of newspaper articles BRI members send in about the creative ways people get involved with bathrooms, toilets, toilet paper, etc. So we created Uncle John’s “Stall of Fame.”

  Honoree: Will Simmons, a freshman at Duke University

  Notable Achievement: Turning toilet paper into a political issue

  True Story: In his first year at Duke, Simmons discovered that the toilets in his dorm were outfitted with single-ply toilet paper. Outraged, he decided to run for a seat in the student government. His single campaign platform: a promise that students would get two-ply paper in dorm bathrooms.

  Simmons won, of course—students know what’s important. After the election, university housing officials pledged to cooperate.

  Honoree: Donna Summer, pop singer

  Notable Achievement: Writing a Top 10 song in the bathroom

  True Story: At a posh hotel, Summer was washing her hands in the ladies’ room. She mused to herself that the washroom attendant there had to work awfully hard for her money. It suddenly hit Summer that she had a song title. So she rushed into a stall and wrote lyrics for it. “She Works Hard for the Money” was an international hit that went to #3 on the Billboard chart in 1983.

  Honoree: Jacob Feinzilberg, a San Jose, California, inventor

  Notable Achievement: Inventing the ultimate port-a-potty

  True Story: In 1993 Feinzilberg came up with the Inflate-a-Potty, a toilet so portable it can actually fit in a purse. It can be inflated in seconds and is used with an ordinary eight-gallon kitchen bag as a disposable liner. He came up with the idea for it at a picnic when his young daughter suddenly “heard nature’s call and found no place to answer it.”

  The Bible was written in three languages: Hebrew, Aramaic, and Koine Greek.

  Honorees: Philip Middleton and Richard Wooton of Chantilly, Virginia

  Notable Achievement: Creating a “commode for dogs”

  True Story: According to a 1993 news report, it’s called the Walk-Me-Not. The dog walks up stairs at the side of the bathroom toilet, steps onto a platform over the toilet bowl, and squats down to use.

  Honorees: Chiu Chiu-kuei and Lee Wong-tsong, a Taiwanese couple

  Notable Achievement: Creating a public bathroom nice enough for a wedding…and then getting married in it

  True Story: In the mid-1990s, Chiu Chiu-kuei designed, and her fiancé Lee Wong-tsong built, a bathroom for a public park in the city of Taichung. According to news reports: “The couple said the lavatory, complete with elaborate decoration, had cost about $1 million to build.” Chiu explained: “Since the bathroom is the creation of me and my husband it is very meaningful to us and therefore we decided to have our ceremony in here.” Not explained: Why seven other couples joined them, making it the largest group wedding ever performed in a lavatory.

  Honoree: Bryan J. Patrie, a Stanford graduate student

  Notable Achievement: Inventing the Watercolor Intelligent Nightlight, which informs bleary-eyed midnight bathroom-goers whether the toilet seat up is or down…without turning on a blinding light.

  True Story: Patrie introduced the device in the early 1990s. He explained: “When you get within five feet of the dark commode, it will sense your motion. It looks to see if the room is dark. Then it looks upward by sending out an infrared beam. If it gets a reflection, it knows the seat is up. If it is, the red light comes on.”

  HIS & HERS BATHROOM PEEVES

  According to the Philadelphia Inquirer’s Toilet Paper Report, women’s #1 bathroom complaint is men leaving the toilet seat up. Men’s #1 complaint: waiting for women to get out of the bathroom.

  Amphibians’ eyes come in a variety of shapes, including square or heart-shaped pupils.

  FILTHY WATER PEOPLE

  Did you ever get a lousy nickname that stuck? You’re in good company. Many Native American tribes are known today by unflattering names given to them by their neighbors. Here are a few examples.

  CHEYENNE

  Meaning: Red-Talkers

  Origin: This Great Plains tribe called themselves the Tsitsistas, which means the “Beautiful People.” The neighboring Dakota people may have agreed, but they couldn’t understand what the Tsitsistas were saying, because they spoke a different language. They called the Tsitsistas the “Red-Talkers,” meaning “those who speak unintelligibly,” or, in Dakota, the Cheyenne.

  APACHE

  Meaning: Enemy

  Origin: Like many Native American tribes, this one, famous for legendary chief Geronimo, called themselves “the People”—Dine (di-nay) in their native language. But the neighboring tribe—victim of many of their war parties—the Zuni, called them “the enemy,” or apachu. Over time, that evolved into their permanent name, the Apache.

  ARAPAHO

  Meaning: Tattooed People

  Origin: These Plains Indians called themselves the Inuna-ina, which translates to “the People.” Their neighbors, the Crow, identified them by their distinctive body markings and called them “Tattooed People,” or, in their language, Arapahos.

  HURON

  Meaning: Boar’s Head

  Origin: This tribe lived in the area between Lakes Huron and Ontario and called themselves the Wyandot, meaning “Those from the Peninsula.” But the French called them Hures, or “Boar’s Head,” because the men in the tribe wore their hair in bristly spikes that resembled boar’s hair—and Hures eventually became Huron.

  Of the world’s 100 largest economic entities, 51 are corporations and 49 are countries.

  WINNEBAGO

  Meaning: Filthy Water People

  Origin: These Great Lakes Indians were named by the Chippewa people. Their own name was Horogióthe, or “Fish-Eaters.” But the Chippewa called them the Winnebago—the “Filthy Water People,” possibly because the Horogióthe painted themselves with clay when going to war, which made them appear to have bathed in muddy water.

  MOHAWK

  Meaning: Man-Eaters

  Origin: This tribe from upper New York State and eastern Canada called themselves Kaniengehagaóthe, or “Flint People.” That proved to be a very difficult word to pronounce for Europeans, who called them what their neighbors, the Narrag
ansett, called them: Mohawk, or “Man-Eaters.” Why? They engaged in ritualistic cannibalism.

  GROS VENTRES

  Meaning: Big Bellies

  Origin: This tribe from what is now Montana and Saskatchewan called themselves the Ahahninin, or “White Clay People.” When early French fur trappers and traders asked members of neighboring tribes about the name, they responded—in Native American sign language—by sweeping their hand out from their chest and downward, making what appeared to be a “belly” shape. What were they saying? Historians believe they were saying “Waterfall People,” referring to the part of the Saskatchewan River where they lived. The French mistook the gesture and called them the name they are still called today, the Gros Ventres—“Big Bellies.”

  “Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name Bzjxxllwcp is pronounced Jackson.”

  —Mark Twain

  First county to issue postage stamps: Great Britain (1840).

  HE’S A CURLY WOLF

  Real cowboy slang of the late 19th century was a lot different from the way it’s been depicted in movies and on TV. Some examples:

  Coffee boiler: A lazy person who sits around the coffee pot instead of helping with the work.

  Big bug: Important person; big shot.

  Bone orchard: Cemetery.

  The boss: The best.

  He only gave it a lick and a promise: He did a poor job.

  Crow bait: A poor-quality horse.

  Shin out: To run away.

  Clean someone’s plow: To beat them up.

  You’re all down but nine: You don’t understand—refers to missing all the pins in a game of nine-pin bowling.