Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader Read online

  Chicago’s average winter temperature is colder than that of Reykjavik, Iceland.

  In 1997 McDonald’s announced that it would include a “Teenie Beanie Baby” prize with each Happy Meal. The giveaway turned into the company’s most successful sales promotion ever: Crazed collectors stampeded the restaurants, buying dozens of Happy Meals at a time, tossing out the food and getting back in line to buy more. The promotion was supposed to last a month, but the company ended up giving away all 100 million Teenie Beanie Babies—one for every child in America—in ten days.

  And over the course of the Beanie Baby craze, Ty Warner, a man who basically sells little bean bags for a living, pocketed about $6 billion. In 2003 Forbes magazine listed him as the world’s 44th richest person—in a league with software giants, media moguls, and Arab sheiks.

  WHAT GOES UP...

  Nothing could postpone the inevitable: With factories in Asia churning out new Beanie Babies by the hundreds of millions, sooner or later people were bound to get bored and even the most diehard collectors would despair of ever collecting them all. By mid-1999 Beanie Babies were beginning to pile up on store shelves, so Warner announced that the company was retiring all of its remaining Beanie Babies on December 31. The “last” Beanie Baby ever? A black bear named “The End.” Sales shot up again.

  Then on Christmas Eve he announced he would put it to a vote: Beanie Baby fans could phone in (at 50¢ a call) and vote on whether Beanie Babies should be saved. Guess what happened!

  The fake retirement boosted sales in the short run, but in the long run it probably killed the craze. The Ty company still manufactures Beanie Babies, but today they’re what they should have been all along: toys for kids. New ones sell for about $6 in toy stores, but on eBay shell-shocked collectors who hoped to pay for their kids’ educations by hoarding Beanie Babies are now dumping them in bulk. Even when offered for a penny apiece, they don’t always attract bidders.

  Moral of the story: Beanbags are great toys. They’re just not good investments.

  Trinidad’s paradoxical frog starts as a foot-long tadpole and “grows” into an inch-long frog.

  WHAT’S UP, DOC?

  Some doctor shows on TV may seem far-fetched, but these stories prove that truth is stranger than fiction.

  YIP/TUCK

  In Rio de Janeiro, Dr. Edgard Brito is now offering a wide variety of the latest surgical procedures, such as Botox injections and wrinkle-reductions. Brito’s patients, however, happen to be dogs. For a reasonable price, the vet performs full face-lifts including ear straightening and eyebrow corrections. When asked by reporters about his surgical packages, Brito said, “We all like to talk to someone who looks good. It is the same for dogs.”

  WORKS EVERY TIME

  In April 2002, doctors told Trizka Litton that she was going to need a hernia operation, but that her condition didn’t require immediate surgery. Finally, after seven months on the hospital waiting list, Litton had had enough. She concocted a cocktail of crumbled biscuits and cranberry juice, microwaved it, and called the paramedics, claiming that she had just vomited blood. An ambulance immediately took her to the hospital (where she promptly disposed of the evidence before docs could test it). Doctors performed emergency surgery and discovered that her stomach was pressing dangerously on her heart. Litton later said, “I carried a heavy burden of guilt and shame at being forced to cheat and lie. But it vanished when doctors told me just how near death I had been.”

  HAIRY HEARING

  In 2002, 24-year-old Yu Zhenhuan was listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the “World’s Hairiest Man” (thick hair covers 96% of his body). But due to the growth of hair inside his ears, Zhenhuan, star of the film China’s Number One Hairy Child when he was six, was losing his hearing and suffering from pounding headaches. In order to restore the “hairy child’s” hearing, doctors performed a unique operation: a four-hour “hairectomy,” removing hair follicles two to three centimeters long from his inner ear. Yet despite the apparent dangers of a hairy physique, Zhenhuan refuses to shave any part of his body but his beard.

  Cosmic question: If you say, “I always lie,” are you telling the truth?

  Q & A: BODY OF KNOWLEDGE

  Everyone’s got a question they’d like answered—basic stuff, like “Why is the sky blue?” Here are a few questions, with answers from the nation’s top trivia experts.

  OPEN WIDE

  Q: Why are yawns contagious?

  A: “The action of a mouth opening is not what compels others to yawn, according to Dr. William Broughton, director of the Sleep Disorders Center at the University of South Alabama. Studies have demonstrated that showing someone a photo of a wide-open mouth does not induce a yawn. Conversely, holding a hand over the mouth while yawning doesn’t prevent it from being contagious. Contagious yawns appear ‘basically to be a visual response.’ Between 40 and 60% of people who watch videos or hear talk about yawning also end up doing it, too. Researchers from the State University of New York tested people to find out what kind of person is most susceptible to contagious yawning. Their conclusion: people who are self-aware or empathetic are more likely to catch yawns.” (From The Mobile (Alabama) Register)

  X MARKS THE SPOT

  Q: What causes liver spots?

  A: “Liver spots, also called age spots or lentigenes, are the result of hyperpigmentation—the buildup of excess pigment in patches of the skin. Liver spots have nothing to do with the liver; they most often result from a lifetime of exposure to sunlight. Other possible causes include surgery, pregnancy, and some medications.” (From The New York Times Second Book of Science Questions and Answers, by C. Claiborne Ray)

  BAD TASTE

  Q: Why does orange juice taste so bad after you brush your teeth?

  A: “The detergent used in most toothpastes—sodium lauryl sulfate—temporarily modifies the taste system, according to Dr. John DeSimone of Virginia Commonwealth University. It reduces your ability to taste sweetness and saltiness, and makes sour foods intensely bitter. Right after brushing, anything will taste less sweet. Don’t worry, though: the reaction won’t harm you.” (From Newsweek)

  Minimum wage in 1950: 75¢ an hour.

  DRY YOUR EYE

  Q: Why do we have eyebrows?

  A: “We have eyebrows for two reasons. The first is to keep water from running into your eyes. Your forehead can perspire more than other parts of the body. Perspiration is salty, and if you didn’t have eyebrows it would run into your eyes and cause them to smart. If it is raining hard, water running off your head and down your forehead is stopped by the eyebrows so the water doesn’t get into your eyes and hamper your vision. You’ll also notice that the bone under your eyebrows sticks out slightly. If you bump that bone, the eyebrows soften the blow to prevent damage to the bone. It is believed that early humans had much thicker eyebrows to provide more padding.” (From What Makes Flamingos Pink?, by Bill McLain)

  GESUNDHEIT!

  Q: Why do you close your eyes when you sneeze?

  A: “It’s a reflex thing. Your eyes snap shut as soon as you sneeze, and it’s pretty much impossible to keep them open. The nerves serving the eyes and the nose are very closely connected. The stimuli to one often trigger some response in the other. There’s an urban myth that if you keep your eyes open when you sneeze, your eyes will pop out. Well, you can’t do it, and even if you could, it wouldn’t happen.” (From Return of the Answer Lady, by Marg Meikle.)

  LEAKY PIPES

  Q: Why does running water make you have to go to the bathroom?

  A: “Scientists say it’s the power of suggestion. It’s totally psychological. The sound of going to the bathroom is very similar to the sound of water filling a sink. The brain hears water running and connects it with the need to urinate, so it sends a message to the bladder telling it that it’s full, even if it isn’t. The phenomenon even occurs in dogs.” (From Why Knuckles Crack and Other Body Facts, by Jeremy M. Barker)

  The cold truth: Scien
tists say you have more nightmares when your bedroom is cold.

  KIND OF KINKY

  What do Bill Clinton and George W. Bush have in common? They’re both fans of Texas novelist/songwriter/satirist Kinky Friedman.

  “A happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life.”

  “In six days the Lord created the heavens and the Earth and all the wonders therein. There are some of us who feel that He might have taken just a little more time.”

  “If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There’s always time to be humble later, once you’ve been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.”

  “I came from an upper-middle-class home, which is always a hard cross for a country singer to bear.”

  “If you’re paranoid long enough, sooner or later you’re gonna be right.”

  “The distance between the limousine and the gutter is a short one.”

  “We’re all worm bait waiting to happen. It’s what you do while you wait that matters.”

  “Seventeen publishers rejected the manuscript, at which time I knew I had something pretty hot.”

  “No matter where you go, you always see yourself in the rearview mirror.”

  “I don’t believe in carrying a weapon. If somebody wants to shoot me, he’ll have to bring his own gun.”

  “If you’re patient and you wait long enough, something will usually happen. And it’ll usually be something you don’t like.”

  “On the whole, I prefer cats to women because cats seldom if ever use the word ‘relationship.’”

  “I’m not afraid to die. I’m not afraid to live. I’m not afraid to fail. I’m not afraid to succeed. I’m not afraid to fall in love. I’m not afraid to be alone. I’m just afraid I might have to stop talking about myself for 5 minutes.”

  “I knew I wasn’t as stupid as I looked. No one was.”

  Actor Mark Wahlberg has three nipples.

  McLIBEL

  You might have heard about it on the news: In 1991 McDonald’s sued two unemployed vegetarians for distributing leaflets disparaging the mega-chain’s practices. McDonald’s won the case—or did they? Here’s the story.

  THE MCMURDER PAMPHLETS

  In 1990 environmental activists David Morris and Helen Steel distributed copies of a controversial pamphlet outside a McDonald’s restaurant in London, England. It had been written by a small environmental group called London Greenpeace (not linked to Greenpeace International) and was entitled “What’s Wrong With McDonald’s? Everything They Don’t Want You To Know.” The cover showed the famous “golden arches,” along with the words “McDollars,” “McGreedy,” “McCancer,” and “McMurder.” The six-page pamphlet made some strong accusations: that McDonald’s knowingly promoted unhealthy diets; that cattle raised for their burgers caused destruction of rainforests; that they caused starvation in developing countries, were hostile to trade unions, exploited children, and abused animals. McDonald’s was not amused.

  The Illinois-based corporation sued Morris and Steel for libel (they sued in England, because English law makes it easier to win a libel case than U.S. law) and Morris and Steel, surprisingly, decided to fight. They counter-sued, accusing McDonald’s of libeling them by calling their accusations “lies.” Because Morris was unemployed and Steel was a part-time bartender, the two had to act as their own lawyers against the McDonald’s legal army.

  OUTCOME: McDonald’s won. The award: the penniless defendants had to pay McDonald’s $94,000 in damages. Justice Rodger Bell also ruled against the activists in their countersuit, saying that the restaurant chain had a right to defend itself against the accusations.

  THE OTHER OUTCOME: McDonald’s lost—big time. The trial dragged on for years. Amazingly, when it ended, “McLibel” was the longest trial in English history. It didn’t get officially started until 1994 and wasn’t decided until 1997. Justice Bell’s opinion was more than 800 pages long and took two hours just to summarize orally.

  MTV aired video #1,000,000 in March 2000.

  For the duration of the trial McDonald’s was regularly grilled in the international press as the big bully beating up on the little guy at best, and as the above-the-law mega-corporation suppressing the right of free speech at worst. The $94,000 turned out to be hardly an award since they never received it anyway, and since McDonald’s spent an estimated $16 million on the case!

  Another blow to the company: It was revealed during the trial that they had hired people to infiltrate London Greenpeace. These spies actually became members of the group—they even handed out some of the leaflets.

  McCULPABILITY

  While the judge found in favor of the chain, he also made it clear that some of the accusations were accurate. The McSpotlight Web site, created by the defendants so supporters could follow the trial (it’s still active today) happily reported the rulings:

  •Justice Bell found that Morris and Steel had not sufficiently proven the allegations against McDonald’s on rainforest destruction, heart disease and cancer, food poisoning, starvation in the Third World, and bad working conditions.

  •But they had proven, he said, that McDonald’s “exploits children” with their advertising, falsely advertises their food as nutritious, risks the health of their most regular, long-term customers, are “culpably responsible” for cruelty to animals, are “strongly antipathetic” to unions, and pay their workers low wages.

  •In March 1999, the English Court of Appeal made two further rulings, saying that a regular McDonald’s diet is indeed linked to heart disease and that the defendants had the right to say that McDonald’s employees suffered “bad working conditions” because it was an opinion.

  And the offending pamphlets? Thanks to all the press the case received, at least three million more “McMurder” pamphlets were distributed around the world.

  “Do not spit into the well—you may have to drink out of it.”

  —Russian proverb

  In her witchcraft trial, Joan of Arc was also charged with disobeying her parents.

  BE A POCHEMUCHKA!

  In 2004 a British company called Today Translations commissioned a worldwide poll of 1,000 professional interpreters and translators to find the world’s most difficult-to-translate words. Here’s their top 10.

  AND THE WINNERS ARE:

  10. Klloshar. The closest meaning for this Albanian term: “loser.”

  9. Pochemuchka. Russian for “a person who asks a lot of questions.” Pochemu means “why” in Russian, so a pochemuchka is kind of like a “why-man” or “why-woman.”

  8. Selathirupavar. A word in the Tamil language (spoken in India and Sri Lanka) that refers to a particular form of truancy.

  7. Saudade. It refers to “a certain type of longing” in Portuguese.

  6. Gezellig. Dutch for “cozy.”

  5. Altahmam. An Arabic word that refers to a particular kind of “deep sadness.”

  4. Naa. Spoken only in the Kansai region of Japan, it’s a modifier that’s used to “emphasize statements or agree with someone.”

  3. Radioukacz. The Polish word for “a person who worked as a telegraphist for the resistance movements on the Soviet side of the Iron Curtain.”

  2. Shlimazl. A “chronically unlucky person” in Yiddish, a language spoken by central and eastern European Jews and their descendants around the world.

  ...and the most difficult-to-translate word in the world is:

  1. Ilunga. A word in Tshiluba, a Bantu dialect spoken in the Congo region of Africa. Meaning: “A person who will forgive any abuse for the first time, tolerate it a second time, but never a third time.”

  There are 41 references to dogs in the Bible...and most of them are negative.

  ODD MUSEUMS

  The next time you’re traveling across America, take some time to visit these unusual attractions.

  MUSEUM OF BAD ART

  Location: Dedham, Massachusetts

  Background: MOBA is the only museum in the United States th
at admits it shows bad art. When it opened in 1993, the museum was housed in someone’s basement, but it’s now located in the Dedham Community Theater, just outside the men’s room. Most pieces in the collection were found in thrift stores or in the garbage.

  Be Sure to See: “Sunday on the Pot with George,” a painting in pointillist (made up of dots) style depicting a heavy man wearing only his underpants, sitting on a toilet. One reviewer called the work “the single most memorable artistic experience in my life—a bit like my recent bout with the shingles.”

  BARBED WIRE MUSEUM

  Location: La Crosse, Kansas

  Background: Sure, barbed wire is an important part of American history. (It provided an inexpensive way for “sodbusters” to keep cattle off their land, effectively ending the open range.) But wire’s wire, right? Apparently not. This museum holds 18-inch segments of more than 1,000 different types of barbed wire, lining its walls from floor to ceiling.

  Be Sure to See: A real bird’s nest made almost completely from bits of barbed wire (it weighs 72 pounds) and a piece of barbed wire taken from the top of the Berlin Wall when it fell.

  SPAM MUSEUM

  Location: Austin, Minnesota

  Background: Next door to the top-secret facility where the Hormel Corporation makes Spam, fans of the canned meat can see a giant Spamburger sandwich (with its own 17-foot spatula), visit the 3,390-can “Wall of Spam,” don hardhats and work on a simulated Spam production line, and marvel at the 4,700 cans that document 70 years of Spam’s worldwide popularity.

  Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors.

  Be Sure to See: The talking wax figure of company founder George Hormel.

  TRAGEDY IN U.S. HISTORY MUSEUM