Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Wonderful World of Odd Read online

  PAGING MR. ALVAREZ…

  In the 50-kilometer cross-country ski race at the 1988 Winter Olympics, Mexican skier Roberto Alvarez lagged so far behind his fellow skiers that racing officials actually lost track of him and were forced to send out a search party. They found him, but he finished dead last—almost an hour behind the next-slowest skier.

  HOLY GOALIE

  Soccer goalie Isadore Irandir, who played in the Brazilian league during the 1970s, had a strict pre-match ritual: Before each game, he’d kneel near the goal net and pray for several minutes. But at the start of one match, his prayers took so long that the kick-off began before he was ready. Three seconds into the game, an opposing player more than halfway down the field kicked an improbable 60-yard shot…which sailed right past the kneeling Irandir’s head and into the goal.

  If the human genome were a book, it would contain over one billion words (equivalent to about 13,000 Bibles).

  SHOW’S OVER, FOLKS

  Marathon runner Wallace Williams of the Virgin Islands ran the 1979 Pan-American Games marathon at such a slow pace that by the time he got to the stadium that housed the finish line, all the stadium doors were locked, and the crowd and race officials had already gone home.

  THE WATER GIVETH, IT TAKETH AWAY

  Soviet rower Ivanov Vyacheslav was so excited after winning a gold medal in the 1956 Olympics in Melbourne, Australia, that he threw the medal into the air in triumph during the award ceremony. But the medal didn’t come down into his hand as he planned—it fell into Lake Wendouree, next to the medal stand. Vyachaslav and his teammates dove into the lake and searched frantically, but the medal was never found.

  AT LEAST IT WAS A RECORD

  Antoin Miliordos of Greece is an Olympic record holder…for the slowest speed ever achieved in a slalom race. In the 1952 Winter Olympics in Oslo, Norway, Miliordos fell 18 times during his qualifying run, averaging a pathetic 6.33 miles per hour…and crossed the finish line skiing backwards.

  I MADE IT! UH-OH.

  In 1986, 52-year-old soccer fan Pedro Gatica bicycled all the way from his home in Argentina to Mexico—4,500 miles—to attend the World Cup. But when he arrived at the stadium for the opening game, Gatica discovered he didn’t have enough money for a ticket. Then, while he was haggling with a ticket seller, thieves made sure his adventure would continue—they stole his bike.

  BOTH HANDS ON THE BIKE, DUDE

  Celebrating his fourth-place finish in the 1989 U.S. Motorcycle Grand Prix, Kevin Magee of Australia waved to the crowd as he circled the track in the traditional victory lap—then fell off his motorcycle, breaking his leg.

  BAD ROAD TRIP

  West Africa’s annual Bandama Rally, a 2,500-mile cross-country race that pits the world’s most elite car manufacturers against each other, made sports headlines in 1972. The route that year was so brutal that out of the 43 cars that started the race, only three remained at the two-thirds mark—with nearly 1,000 miles still to go. The other 40 cars had been knocked out by crashes, broken axles, and mechanical failures due to the rough terrain and high grass that often made it impossible for drivers to see the other cars. Then, as the three remaining cars set off to race the last 1,000 miles, a torrential rainstorm struck, turning the countryside into a mudpit of impassible roads. No one was able to finish and, for the first time in the race’s history, no winner was declared.

  * * *

  REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ODD FADS

  • In medieval England, wealthy gentlemen often wore clothing that left their genitals exposed. They wore short-fitting tunics with no pants. (If the genitals didn’t hang low enough, padded, flesh-coated prosthetics called briquettes would be used.)

  • In 16th-century Europe, tooth dyeing was popular among upper-class women. In Italy, red and green were the most popular colors, while Russian women favored black.

  • Another 16th-century European beauty technique was called Solomon’s Water. A primitive facelift, it was a lotion that eliminated spots, freckles, and warts. The number-one ingredient in Solomon’s Water: mercury (which is now known to be toxic). It burned away the outer layers of the skin, corroded the flesh underneath, and could even cause teeth to fall out.

  The world’s largest goldfish is 16 inches long. (His name is Bruce.)

  BEING ELVIS PRESLEY

  Oddness seems to run deep in the world of Elvis impersonators.

  HE HAS TOUPEE FOR HIS CRIME

  A Welsh Elvis impersonator named Geraint Benney is receiving death threats from some of the King’s most devoted fans. Why are they so mad? It’s not because Benney, who goes by the stage name “Elvis Preseli,” begins his performances by climbing out of a coffin. It’s not because Benney doesn’t sing Elvis songs (he performs pop hits from the 1980s and ’90s as Elvis Presley might have…if he spoke Welsh). It’s not even because Benney grills hamburgers while he performs. No, they want Benney dead because of his appearance. “Some think my act is disrespectful because I’m bald,” he explains. Yet Benney’s act is actually a big hit in Wales, and he has plans to take it on the road in Europe. And he refuses to wear a wig. “Elvis would be over 70 now,” says Benney, “so he might even be bald himself.”

  TENERE ME, SUAVITER

  A Latin professor from Finland named Jukka Ammondt moonlights as an Elvis impersonator, but he brings a little of his day job with him when he performs. Ammondt has translated several Elvis hits into Latin, and sings them in Finnish lounge clubs. Favorites include “It’s Now or Never” (“Nunc hic aut numquam”) and “Love Me Tender” (“Tenere me, suaviter”). A scholar of dead languages, Ammondt has also translated Presley hits into ancient Sumerian.

  BUST ME TENDER

  Although technically retired from his days as an Elvis impersonator, 62-year-old Duke Adams still occasionally wears his Elvis outfit—complete with sideburns, black pompadour, gold medallions, and gold-framed glasses. In June 2005, Adams’s wife of 21 years died, leaving him emotionally destitute. A few months later, however, his life took a dramatic turn. Adams (dressed as Elvis) was leaving a Las Vegas pharmacy when a man he’d never met approached him and asked him if he wanted to buy some jewelry that once belonged to Elvis Presley. At first Adams said no, but something seemed suspicious about the man. And then it hit him: This could be the person who stole a bunch of Presley’s jewelry and clothing from the Elvis-A-Rama Museum in 2004. That robbery left Adams as well as many other Elvis fans sad and angry—made even worse by the fact that the crook got away.

  Groucho Marx died on August 19, 1977…three days after Elvis Presley.

  So Adams played it cool and told the man to stop by his employment agency office the next day with the goods. When the man agreed, Adams went home and called the police, who instructed him to call them immediately if the man showed up. Sure enough, he did, and he brought his entire Elvis collection with him—including gold necklaces, a gold watch, sequined shirts, a gold-plated revolver, and even Elvis’s high-school ring. The price he wanted for everything: $80,000. Adams quietly called the cops, and then pretended to be interested until they arrived and arrested the man. Detective Kelli Hickle, who headed the investigation, gave Adams’s police work rave reviews: “I know a lot of Elvis fans who are going to be happy. I heard from a lot of them, and they were heartbroken.”

  Adams was happy, too, crediting that incident with rejuvenating his crushed spirit. “I just believe my wife, God, and Elvis have got their hands in this. They set me up to do the right thing.”

  ELVIS HAS ENTERED THE ELECTION

  In the 2000 mayoral election in Phillips, Wisconsin (pop. 1,600), there were two names on the ballot: Keith Corcilius…and Elvis Aron Presley. Inspired by the political career of former pro wrestler Jesse Ventura, a 50-year-old bar owner (real name unknown) who used to perform as an Elvis impersonator had his name legally changed to Elvis Aron Presley and then decided to run for mayor. “Ventura and I have a lot in common,” “Presley” said. “He’s a wrestler, and I’m a performer. We’re both politic
al outsiders. If the people of Minnesota can put a wrestler in the governor’s office, I don’t see what’s wrong with people in Wisconsin electing an Elvis impersonator as mayor.” The voters didn’t agree: “Presley” lost.

  Jets launched from aircraft carriers go from zero to 165 mph in two seconds.

  DIDN’T SEE

  THAT COMING

  Sometimes when you break into someone’s apartment to steal some power tools, you end up with a bunch of human heads instead. Go figure.

  THROUGH RAIN, SLEET, AND GRAVEYARDS

  In 2006 Aurelia Cenusa of Severin, Romania, got a large package in the mail. Was it a present from a friend? Had she won a prize? No, it was her father’s remains, exhumed from the grave he had inhabited for the last 16 years. The cemetery where he had been buried was sold, and the church that owned it mailed Ms. Cenusa the remains so that she could bury them somewhere else. “You could still even see bits of his funeral suit,” she said, adding that she planned to sue the church.

  IT’S JUST BATWASH

  A 60-year-old woman from Woodbury County, Iowa, had been drinking from a mug of tea all day, when she got to the bottom of the cup…and found a dead bat in it. The woman—who asked to remain anonymous—put the bat in a plastic bag and took it to the health office in Sioux City. They sent it to a lab to test it for rabies which, fortunately, it didn’t have. “We test many bats,” said lab manager Mike Pentella, “but none that have drowned in a cup of tea before.” The woman was said to be “recovering from shock.”

  YOU’RE UN-INVITED TO MY PARTY

  Twenty-nine-year-old Jerry Rose of Jackson, Michigan, was at a party with some friends in the summer of 2006 when someone started a game of “What’s the stupidest thing you ever did?” The room suddenly went silent when Rose answered, “I shot a guy in the head.” For several months, police in the area had been looking for the killer of a 60-year-old man, and had no leads in the case until Rose’s girlfriend, who was also at the party, told the cops about the confession. Rose was arrested and charged with murder.

  It would take you more than 200 years to spend a night in every hotel room in Las Vegas.

  SPEEDY DELIVERY

  Barbara and Johann Meyer were speeding down a street in their hometown of Wachtberg, Germany, in 2006 when police officers pulled them over: A surveillance camera had taken an image of them speeding through an intersection. The Meyers explained that they were on their way to the hospital, where Barbara was about to give birth. Not only did the officers cancel the ticket, they gave the couple a baby present—a plastic toy policeman with a speed gun in its hand. They also gave the couple the photo from the surveillance camera, suggesting they put it in the baby’s first photo album.

  LET’S HEAD OUT

  Thieves in Vienna, Austria, got a surprise when they broke into the basement of an apartment building looking for tools to steal… and found eight severed human heads. Police said a dentist who lived in the building was using the heads for “research,” but they were looking into whether or not he had broken any laws. The thieves apparently ran away without stealing anything after they saw the heads.

  CRASH, LITTLE BABY…

  In 2006 a 17-year-old girl from Pleasanton, California, was driving home from the store with a doll she had just bought for a parenting class at her high school. The doll suddenly let out a loud—and apparently very realistic—baby cry, which so startled the girl that she drove into a pickup truck. The girl, who was uninjured, was charged with speeding and driving without a license. The doll, according to news reports, had cried out because it had “wet itself.”

  HE’S IN HOT WATER

  One night in April 2005, family members in a home in Nara, Japan, were awakened by some strange noises coming from the bathroom. They investigated…and discovered a young man relaxing in their bathtub. He was drunk. And he was a policeman. The 21-year-old off-duty cop had walked into the wrong house (his was 50 yards away) after a party. Arrested and charged with unlawful entry, he told reporters, “I can’t believe it wasn’t my bathtub.”

  The Loch Ness monster is protected by the 1912 Protection of Animals Acts of Scotland.

  BURNING IRONY

  In April 2005, firefighters in Providence, Rhode Island, were on their way to a fire when the fire truck caught on fire. The fire started in the engine compartment, made its way through the firewall, and quickly entered the cab. Firefighters tried to put the fire out with fire extinguishers, but finally had to call another fire truck to help put the fire out. By the time help arrived, Engine 11 was completely burned. “This,” said Captain Peter Celini, “is unusual.”

  * * *

  RESCUED BY…

  …SUPERMEN. In July 2006, the grandmother of one-year-old Jennifer Romero was pushing her granddaughter in a stroller, returning home from a grocery store in Oakland Park, Florida, when both were hit by a Ford van. Witnesses quickly realized that the baby was in trouble: She was still in her stroller—underneath the van, which had dragged her more than 80 yards. “We stopped traffic and got every big guy we could see,” said Wayne Ackerman, a bystander who stepped in to help. Six men then worked together to lift the front of the van off the ground, allowing the child to be pulled out from under it. Amazingly, the baby was uninjured; her grandmother suffered minor fractures.

  …COINCIDENCE. In June 2006, Barry Glinton and three friends were about a mile off the coast of Florida near West Palm Beach when a large wave crested their powerboat and it started taking on water. Glinton called the Coast Guard on his cell phone—he didn’t have a GPS system—and rescuers were able to locate him visually within an hour only because it was a clear day. On the way back to land, Coast Guard Lt. John Reed commented that he had rescued a boater in a similar situation in the very same spot a year earlier. Glinton said, “That was me.” The officer didn’t find the coincidence funny. “This gentleman got very lucky twice,” Officer Alber said, “but it doesn’t look like he learned his lesson about boating safety.”

  You can make edible cheese from the milk of 24 different mammals.

  SUPER POWERS

  People with unusual abilities have been reported and described throughout history. Are they real? Who knows?

  • Rosa Kuleshova grew up sighted in a family of blind people in the Soviet Union in the 1960s. She wanted to know what it was like to be blind, so she started wearing a blindfold and eventually taught herself to “see” with her fingers. According to Kuleshova, she could actually “feel” colors: yellow is slippery, violet makes the fingers stop moving, and red is sticky. Because she could differentiate between white and black she also claimed she could read newspapers and sheet music while blindfolded.

  • Working as a beacon keeper on the island of Mauritius in the 18th century, Etienne Bottineau claimed he could feel subtle changes in the air and atmosphere, and “sense” ships before they appeared on the horizon. Once tested in the 1760s, Bottineau accurately predicted 109 out of 111 ships before they arrived. The two he missed had changed course after he’d sensed them.

  • Jacques Aymar, who lived in France in the 1600s, had a gift for divining. One time he was dowsing for water and found a human head. He took his divining rod to the home of the dead woman and it pointed at her husband, the killer. Aymar went on to find dozens of criminals. His rod would guide him to a criminal and Aymar’s symptoms—sweating and passing out—told him that he had found the culprit.

  • A rabbi in Lithuania in the early 20th century known only as “Rabbi Elijah” could retain and recite every word of every book that he had ever read. Elijah considered his ability to be a curse, with the complete texts of the 2,000 books he’d read in his lifetime flooding his brain and making it hard for him to concentrate.

  • Benedetto Supino was 10 years old when he discovered he could set things ablaze by staring at them. In a dentist’s office in Formia, Italy, in 1982, the comic book he was reading suddenly ignited. Another day, he awoke when his bed was on fire because his pajamas were burning. Soon after, an un
cle tested Supino’s abilities. He held a plastic toy in his hands. Supino stared at it and it ignited.

  Hey, Bugs! The back end of a bunny is called its fud.

  WEIRD HOTELS

  Part of the fun of travel is enjoying the local flavor. So on your next trip, eat the local food, see the local sights…and stay in a tiny underwater motel.

  HOTEL: Hotell Hackspett

  LOCATION: Vasteras, Sweden

  DESCRIPTION: One of the tiniest hotels in the world, the Hackspett (Swedish for “woodpecker”) accommodates just one person, or a couple if they don’t mind sharing a twin bed. But what really makes the Woodpecker different is that it’s a tree house situated 30 feet above a city park. It’s accessible only by rope ladder. Meals are delivered with a basket and pulley. Despite its size, the hotel room includes a kitchen, a veranda, and a toilet.

  HOTEL: Hotel Filosoof

  LOCATION: Amsterdam, The Netherlands

  DESCRIPTION: Each of this 19th-century hotel’s 38 rooms is dedicated to a different philosopher or philosophy. So, depending on your mood or your level of enlightenment, you can choose a Nietzsche, Marx, Aristotle, Wittgenstein, or Zen room. Each is decorated with appropriate sculptures, murals, and quotations. Breakfast is served in the morning on a place mat covered in quotations by the philosopher of your choice. Bad joke: If the hotel is full, you’re out of luck—you Kant stay there.

  HOTEL: The Old Jail

  LOCATION: Mount Gambier, Australia

  DESCRIPTION: The Old Jail offers the accommodations—and decidedly spooky atmosphere—of a huge, 19th-century rural prison. The hotel was once the South Australian State Prison, which operated from 1866 to 1995. Not much changed when it was converted into a hotel. Showers are still communal and beds are still cots, but the cell doors can now be opened from the inside. “Inmates” sleep four to a cell (either with strangers or family) or can pay double for a private, two-person suite.