Uncle John's Actual and Factual Bathroom Reader Read online

  Catch and release: Someone who’s more interested in landing a date with someone than continuing to see them afterward. As soon as they “catch” someone, they “release” them.

  Emergency call: Arranging for a friend to call you in the middle of your date, so that if it’s going badly you can pretend the call is an emergency and end the date. (“I have to go! My dog is sick!”)

  Serindipidating: Repeatedly putting off a date with someone, in the hope that someone better will come along.

  Cricketing/R-bombing: When you read a message someone sent to you (some apps, like Facebook Messenger, notify the sender you’ve read it), but don’t respond. The sender can tell you’re ignoring them.

  Flexting: Boasting online to impress someone you’re hoping to date.

  Monkeying: Moving from one relationship to another without pausing in between—like a monkey swinging from one rope to another.

  Turkey dump: When a freshman home from college for Thanksgiving dumps their hometown boyfriend/girlfriend because long-distance relationships are too difficult (or because they have a new “friend”).

  Small houseflies do not grow up to be big houseflies. They emerge from the larval stage fully grown.

  THE SOCIAL LIFE OF TREES

  Earth is home to more than 3 trillion trees—about 422 trees for every person on Earth—and, far from being silent witnesses, they have a social life that scientists are just beginning to understand.

  TREE TALK

  A 1997 research study conducted by forest ecologist Suzanne Simard turned our understanding of plants and fungi upside down. She discovered that trees are social and actually communicate with each other through a kind of living internet of fungi. When you see a mushroom in the forest, you’re only seeing the tip of the iceberg. Below the ground is where the real action is. That’s where the mycelia—a tangled mass of threads and the largest part of the fungi body—are busily running around connecting with as many trees as possible.

  Certain common fungi have symbiotic relationships with plants. Because fungi cannot photosynthesize (remember, plants need light and chlorophyll for photosynthesis), the mycelium explore the soil for nutrients and water, which they then exchange with their host plants for food—up to a third of the tree’s production of sugar. For this exchange to take place, the mycelium colonizes the roots of the plant at a cellular level to form the mycorrhiza, or fungal connection. Mycelia are not shy about their needs: they will hook up with multiple plants of varying species to ensure an adequate food supply.

  HACKING THE WOOD WIDE WEB

  This is where Simard’s research comes in. While doing research for her doctoral thesis, Simard discovered that tree seedlings (mostly Douglas firs in her study) used the underground fungi network not only for the nourishment they receive from the fungi but also to communicate with other trees. She found that when a weak tree in the network needed help, a stronger tree would respond by sharing its resources—and it didn’t matter if they were from different species. The fungi network connects 90 percent of all land plants and has been nicknamed the “Wood Wide Web.”

  Plants also use the fungi network to warn each other. In a 2010 study, researcher Ren Sen Zeng of South China Agricultural University found that when tomato plants were infected with harmful fungi, the plants sent out chemical signals to their neighbors, which gave them time to mount a defense. And in a 2013 study at Scotland’s University of Aberdeen, researchers discovered that when broad bean seedlings were under attack by aphids, the plants that were connected to the fungi network were able to activate anti-aphid chemical defenses.

  The size of a pair of socks refers to the length, in inches, of the sock from heel to toe.

  Standing at the hub of a forest’s fungi network are the biggest and oldest trees—the “mother trees.” Their extensive root systems allow them to make the most fungal connections to the greatest number of trees and plants in the forest. In a single forest, a mother tree can be connected to hundreds of trees. Suzanne Simard’s later research indicates that mother trees not only recognize family members, but they use the network to nurture them. “Mother trees colonize their kin with bigger mycorrhizal networks. They send them more carbon below ground. They even reduce their own root competition to make elbow room for their kids.” Mother trees know that simply plugging into the fungi network will help their family survive.

  CROWN-SHYNESS

  There is a phenomenon that happens with certain tree species, such as eucalyptus, Sitka spruce, or Japanese larch, in which the uppermost branches of neighboring trees will not touch each other. It’s known as crown-shyness. To an observer on the ground, the phenomenon looks like what one writer describes as “a giant, backlit jigsaw puzzle.” Some scientists theorize that a tree can “feel” when it is approaching another tree and it reins in its branches to ensure that light can penetrate the forest canopy and photosynthesis can continue.

  Another explanation for crown-shyness is that the gaps between the tree crowns become part of a forest-wide defense system against the spread of leaf-eating insects. But the simplest theory may be the most likely—the trees don’t want to hurt themselves. By giving each other space, it is less likely their branches will collide or get wedged together with those of their neighbors during high winds. Crown-shyness is most common among the same types of trees, but it can occur between trees of different species.

  THE REDWOOD INTRANET

  Like all trees, coastal redwoods are connected to the fungi network, but they also have their own intranet—a private network of rings of interconnected roots, used to communicate and to share food. Coastal redwoods reproduce by seed, but unlike any other conifer, they use the rings to clone exact copies of themselves by sending out new sprouts from their bases and from fallen limbs.

  Redwood cloning works most of the time, but every so often a mother tree will produce an albino—a ghost tree. Sightings of albino redwoods have been recorded since 1866, though they are exceedingly rare. As of 2017, there were fewer than 500 known ghost trees in the entire world. Their colors range from white, bright yellow, pale green, to mottled and variegated. (There are even “chimeric” ghost trees—trees that are part normal, part albino.) Because they lack chlorophyll—the one thing all trees need for photosynthesis—most ghost trees are small and weak, about the size of bushes. They grow connected to a larger, healthy parent tree and have long been considered parasites—they were even called vampire trees. But recent research indicates that far from being parasitic, the albino redwood may play an important role in the health of redwood forests.

  Fetuses can get hiccups. They can be observed on ultrasound images and even felt by the mother.

  Research botanist Zane Moore discovered that a ghost tree acts like a liver or kidney for the forest. In exchange for the food they need to survive, ghost trees filter and store toxins from the soil, which results in keeping the poisons away from healthier redwoods. “It seems like the albino trees are just sucking these heavy metals up out of the soil,” Moore said. “They’re basically poisoning themselves.” There are ghost trees living in Los Angeles, Portland, and Seattle, but the best place to see them is Muir Woods National Monument or Humboldt Redwoods State Park.

  TREE KILLERS

  The fungi web has its own “Dark Net”—plants that use the network for nefarious purposes. Acacia, American sycamore, and black walnut trees cannot stand competition and will dump chemicals into the web to harm their rivals. Another culprit, the phantom orchid, does not have chlorophyll and cannot photosynthesize, so it uses the network to steal food from nearby trees. And then there are fungi networks that are tree killers, such as the honey fungus. The honey fungus kills in slow motion by starving and dehydrating the tree to death. The most famous example of this parasite is “the Humongous Fungus” located in Oregon’s Blue Mountains. It is 2.4 miles across and is considered to be the largest organism on Earth. It has been killing trees for more than 2,500 years.

  KILLER TREES

 
In Africa, acacia trees employ a multi-tiered defense system to keeps animals from eating their leaves. First, they have long thorns that are the equivalent of barbed wire and help keep intruders away. Second, if herbivores are able to get past the thorns and start nibbling on the leaves, it takes less than 15 minutes for the acacia to pump large amounts of poison (tannins) into those leaves. The acacia will also release warning chemicals (ethylene) into the air. The chemicals drift to other trees downwind, and those trees start pumping poison into their leaves.

  Giraffes know the acacias are potential killers. Solution: To avoid being poisoned, a giraffe will graze gently on the uppermost young leaves of an acacia tree before moving some 50 to 100 yards upwind to another tree. But giraffes aren’t the only ones. In 1990 Wouter Van Hoven, a wildlife management expert from the University of Pretoria, was asked to investigate the sudden deaths of 3,000 kudu (a type of antelope) on commercial game ranches in South Africa. His discovery: acacia trees were to blame. Unlike the giraffes, the kudus were fenced in, with only the acacias to eat. The acacias defended themselves from overgrazing by killing the kudu.

  No U.S. coin shows its denomination in numeral form.

  FILIBUSTER? MORE LIKE

  BLADDER BUSTER

  It’s a loophole that is used in many legislatures and parliaments around the world: when a lawmaker wants to block or at least delay a piece of legislation from coming to a vote, they can talk it to death using a tactic known as the filibuster. Often the only limit on how long they can talk is how long they can go without…going.

  BLAH BLAH BLAH

  In the U.S. Senate, the rules permit senators to speak as long as they want, on as many subjects as they want, unless and until “three-fifths of the Senate duly chosen and sworn” vote to bring the debate to a close. Three-fifths of the Senate means 60 senators, unless some Senate seats are unoccupied due to the death or resignation of a senator. Getting 60 senators to agree on anything can be pretty difficult, which makes the filibuster a powerful weapon for delaying or killing legislation.

  But there’s a catch: no breaks are allowed. If more than one senator is in on the filibuster, they can switch off, giving each other time for meal and bathroom breaks. But if a senator is filibustering alone, the filibuster only lasts as long as their physical stamina lasts. The weak link in a person’s endurance is often their need to pee, and that means that senators—and members of any legislative bodies that allow filibusters—will go to great lengths to stretch out the time they can go without bathroom breaks. For example:

  His staff also stationed a lowly intern with a bucket in the Senate cloakroom, just off the floor of the Senate.

  Elected Official: U.S. senator Strom Thurmond

  Filibuster: Thurmond, a segregationist, filibustered the Civil Rights Act of 1957 in an attempt to prevent it from becoming the first federal civil rights law passed since Reconstruction.

  How He Did It: Thurmond managed to get a break about three hours into his filibuster, on a technicality: Arizona senator Barry Goldwater asked him to yield the floor so that Goldwater could insert something into the Congressional Record. Thurmond used the time to race to the bathroom, but he got no more breaks after that. He prepared for the filibuster by taking steam baths in the days leading up to his filibuster, using the theory that if he started out dehydrated, his body would absorb liquids instead of needing to eliminate them. His staff also stationed a lowly intern with a bucket in the Senate cloakroom, just off the floor of the Senate, so that in an emergency he could take one step into the cloakroom and relieve himself into the bucket while keeping the other foot on the Senate floor. But Thurmond never did use the bucket, and ended his filibuster after 24 hours, 18 minutes. The Civil Rights Act was later approved by the Senate, and was signed into law on September 9, 1957.

  Calico cats are nearly always female. Male calico cats are rare, and frequently sterile.

  Elected Official: St. Louis, Missouri, alderwoman Irene Smith

  Filibuster: The U.S. Senate isn’t the only institution that permits filibustering—many state and local governments allow it too. So in 2001, Smith filibustered a ward-redistricting plan that she feared might cause her to lose her seat.

  How She Did It: Smith spoke until she had to pee, then asked for a bathroom break. When informed that the break would end her filibuster, aides shielded her with a sheet, a quilt and a tablecloth while she relieved herself into a trash can. Result: Smith was charged with public urination, which had a maximum penalty of up to 90 days in jail, and a $500 fine, or both. But she was acquitted when prosecutors were unable to prove she’d actually peed. (Video footage of the incident, which had aired on public access television, was ruled inadmissible at trial because the TV director was out of the room taking a bathroom break when Smith was in the room taking hers. “What I did behind that tablecloth is my business,” she said at the time. She did not admit publicly to relieving herself into the trash can until 2009.)

  Elected Official: Texas state senator Bill Meier

  Filibuster: In 1977 Meier set the American record for the longest filibuster in any U.S. legislature when he tried to block a bill he believed would undermine Texas’s open records law.

  How He Did It: Meier wore an “astronaut bag” (use your imagination) strapped to his leg underneath his trousers, and thus was able to relieve himself in mid-filibuster, without having to take a bathroom break. The sympathetic lieutenant governor pitched in with procedural interruptions whenever Meier needed to empty the bag; that gave him just enough time to pop into a nearby women’s restroom to complete the disgusting task.

  Meier wore an “astronaut bag” (use your imagination) strapped to his leg underneath his trousers, and thus was able to relieve himself in mid-filibuster, without having to take a bathroom break.

  Texas Senate rules forbid sitting or leaning against furniture or anything else during a filibuster, so two sergeants-at-arms accompanied Meier into the women’s room to make sure he didn’t lean on anything or sit down while emptying his astronaut bag. He lasted 43 hours, about as long as it takes to drive from New York City to San Francisco nonstop…but the bill passed anyway. As the reigning U.S. record holder for filibusters, Meier says he still gets calls from other elected officials hoping to break his record. “I tell them, ‘Call me after you’ve finished 24 hours,’ ” he says.

  Lost in translation: In Germany, the Rice Krispies characters say, “Knisper! Knasper! Knusper!” In Sweden: “Piff! Paff! Puff!” In South Africa: “Knap! Knaetter! Knak!”

  Elected Official: Texas state senator Wendy Davis

  Filibuster: In 2013 Davis, who is pro-choice, filibustered a bill that would have radically restricted access to abortion in the state.

  How She Did It: Davis is, shall we say, anatomically “disadvantaged” in that she cannot be fitted with an astronaut bag (again, use your imagination) quite as easily as a man. So she fitted herself with a catheter. To prevent fatigue, she also wore a back brace and running shoes. She spoke for 11 hours on the last day of the legislative session, all the way up to the midnight deadline for the end of the session. That kept the bill from passing in that legislative session…but when it was brought up for a vote in the next session, it passed.

  ACTUAL & FACTUAL FACTS ABOUT SODA POP

  •The generic name for a soft drink varies by region: In New England and the Southwest, it’s generally called “soda,” in the Midwest and Pacific Northwest, it’s generally “pop,” and in Texas and the South it’s called “Coke” (even if it isn’t Coca-Cola).

  •If you ever see a two-liter bottle of Coca-Cola at the store with a yellow cap, it’s a special formula—it’s kosher, brewed up for Passover.

  •Faygo is a popular soda (or pop) in the Midwest, produced in Michigan. It offers super-sweet flavors like Cotton Candy and Grape because the company’s founders were previously bakers, and based the flavors on frosting flavors.

  •In the 1960s, Dr Pepper was losing business in the winter. So it started a
marketing campaign to teach consumers to drink Dr Pepper warm with a slice of lemon, like tea.

  •Worldwide, Coca-Cola produces about 3,500 different varieties of beverage.

  •It costs soda companies less to manufacture their product in plastic bottles than glass ones, but glass ones work better. Carbon gas can slowly escape through the plastic, leading to less fizz over time, and a far shorter shelf life.

  •When Nazi Germany was placed under trade embargoes during World War II, the country couldn’t get Coca-Cola. So the country’s local Coke bottler created orange-flavored Fanta. (After the war, Coca-Cola adopted the drink worldwide.)

  •Soda with the most caffeine: Diet Pepsi Max, with 69 milligrams per 12-ounce serving. Legal FDA-imposed caffeine limit for soft drinks: 71 milligrams per 12-ounce serving.

  What do elephants, hippos, rhinos, and sloths have in common? They can’t jump.

  BATHROOM MUSIC

  Ideas can strike at any time, even when you’re in the bathroom. Or, as these stories about songwriters prove, especially when you’re in the bathroom.

  “The Way I Feel Inside” The British group the Zombies had a string of dreamy, romantic, keyboard-driven singles in the 1960s, like “She’s Not There,” “Time of the Season,” and “Tell Her No.” “The Way I Feel Inside” came to keyboardist Rod Argent in 1964 while the Zombies were on tour with the Isley Brothers. “Rod wrote one of the songs on the toilet,” said Zombies bassist Chris White. “I think it was ‘The Way I Feel Inside,’ ironically enough.” Argent reportedly got so wrapped up in crafting the ballad that he almost missed the band’s departing tour bus.