Uncle John’s Briefs Read online

  What happened to that recording of “Po’ Lazarus” is another story: It was preserved in a music archive, and in 2000 it ended up in the soundtrack of the film O Brother, Where Art Thou. The soundtrack was an even bigger hit than the movie: It went on to sell more than seven million copies, generating thousands of dollars in royalties for Carter…if anyone could find him, that is: After more than 40 years, nobody knew whether he was even still alive.

  It took the record’s producer about a year to track Carter down in Chicago. One day two people showed up at his doorstep, told him about the movie (he’d never seen it) and the soundtrack (he’d never heard it), and handed him a check for $20,000, the first of what would likely be hundreds of thousands of dollars in royalties.

  THE AFTERMATH: About a week later, Carter flew to the Grammy Awards in Los Angeles, where he saw the album win five Grammies, including Album of the Year. For all that, Carter has trouble remembering the lyrics to the song that made him an instant celebrity. “I sang that song a long time back,” he says.

  THE STAR: Patrick Singleton, the only athlete representing Bermuda in the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City

  THE HEADLINE: Athlete Comes Up Short(s) in Salt Lake

  WHAT HAPPENED: Did you watch the opening ceremony for the 2002 Winter Olympics? If you did, maybe you saw it: In the sea of athletes who participated in the ceremony, all properly outfitted for the bitter cold, Singleton wore shorts. Bright red shorts. Bermuda shorts—the one thing (other than the Bermuda Triangle) that the tiny British colony is known for.

  Even before the Olympics were over, Switzerland’s Olympic Museum (where the International Olympic Committee is headquartered) contacted Singleton to see if he would be willing to donate his outfit to the museum. “I doubt we will ever see again an athlete walk into the opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics wearing shorts,” a museum spokesperson told reporters. “Everyone will remember, because it was so cold!”

  To magnetize a sewing needle, rub it about 20 times on a magnet.

  NOVEL STARTS

  Were you really just resting your eyes in high school lit class? Below are the first lines of classic works by famous authors. Go ahead, test yourself.

  1. “Early in the spring of 1750, in the village of Juffure, four days upriver from the coast of Gambia, West Africa, a man-child was born to Omoro and Binta Kinte.”

  2. “He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf stream and he had gone 84 days now without taking a fish.”

  3. “When Mary Lennoz was sent to Misselthwaite Manor to live with her uncle, everybody said she was the most disagreeable-looking child ever seen.”

  4. “Who is John Galt?”

  5. “It was a pleasure to burn.”

  6. “You will rejoice to hear that no disaster has accompanied the commencement of an enterprise which you have regarded with such evil forebodings.”

  7. “TOM!”

  8. “It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.”

  9. “As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed into a giant insect.”

  10. “Call me Ishmael.”

  11. “Whether I turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show.”

  12. “Buck did not read the newspapers or he would have known that trouble was brewing, not alone for himself, but for every tide-water dog, strong of muscle and with warm, long hair, from Puget Sound to San Diego.”

  Submersible: An iguana can stay under water for up to 28 minutes.

  13. “1801—I have just returned from a visit to my landlord—the solitary neighbor that I shall be troubled with.”

  14. “Well, Prince, so Genoa and Hucca are now just family estates of the Buonapartes…”

  15. “Last night I dreamt I went to Manderly again.”

  16. “In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since.”

  17. “The cold passed reluctantly from the earth, and the retiring fogs revealed an army stretched out on the hills, resting.”

  18. “3 May. Bistritz. Left Munich at 8:35 P.M., on 1st May, arriving at Vienna early next morning; should have arrived at 6:46, but train was an hour late.”

  19. “You better not even tell nobody but God.”

  20. “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”

  Answers: 1. Roots (Alex Haley); 2. The Old Man and the Sea (Ernest Hemingway); 3. The Secret Garden (Francis Hodgson Burnett); 4. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand); 5. Fahrenheit 451 (Ray Bradbury); 6. Frankenstein (Mary Shelley); 7. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer (Mark Twain); 8. 1984 (George Orwell); 9. Metamorphosis (Franz Kafka); 10. Moby Dick (Herman Melville); 11. David Copperfield (Charles Dickens); 12. The Call of the Wild (Jack London); 13. Wuthering Heights (Emily Brontë); 14. War and Peace (Leo Tolstoy); 15. Rebecca (Daphne du Maurier); 16. The Great Gatsby (F. Scott Fitzgerald); 17. The Red Badge of Courage (Stephen Crane); 18. Dracula (Bram Stoker); 19. The Color Purple (Alice Walker); 20. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)

  Hobbit birthday! According to Tolkien lore, Bilbo Baggins was born on September 22.

  YOU YELL, WE SHELL!

  Every branch of the armed services has its own set of official inspirational mottoes. And behind the scenes, they’ve got some unofficial ones, too. Here are some examples of both.

  MARINE CORPS

  Official: Semper Fidelis (“Always Faithful”), “Hell in a Helmet,” “Whatever It Takes,” Mors De Contactus (“Death on Contact”) Off the Record: “Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children” (USMC), “You Yell, We Shell,” “Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Essential, SIR!” (MARINES)

  ARMY

  Official: “It Will Be Done,” “This We’ll Defend,” “Duty, Honor, Country,” “Over, Under, and Through,” “Hell on Wheels,” “Heaven sent. Hell bent.”

  Off the Record: “Yes My Retarded A** Signed Up” (U.S. ARMY spelled backward)

  NAVY

  Official: “Can Do,” “Honor, Courage, Commitment,” “Always ready, always there,” “Lead, follow, or get out of the way.”

  Off the Record: “We’ve been to Hell…and it snows there too,” “You didn’t see me, I wasn’t there, and I’m not here now,” “In God we trust. All others, we monitor.” (Naval Intelligence)

  AIR FORCE

  Official: Uno Ab Alto (“One over All”), “Attack to Defend,” “Fire from the Clouds,” “These things we do that others may live”

  Off the Record: “We were going by there anyway,” “Nobody goes until we pass them the hose” (Fuel troops), “Without weapons, it’s just another airline.” (Weapons troops)

  COAST GUARD

  Official: Semper Paratus (Always Ready)

  Off the Record: “Support Search and Rescue—Get Lost”

  The melting point of cocoa butter is just below 98.6°F. That’s why it melts in your mouth.

  WHY DON’T WE HAVE

  A WORD FOR THAT?

  Americans excel at inventing colorful expressions and slang, but it turns out other countries are pretty good at it, too.

  Kummerspeck (Germany): “Grief bacon”—the weight you gain by overeating when you’re worried about something.

  Attaccabottoni (Italy): A “buttonholer”—someone who corners casual acquaintances or even complete strangers for the purpose of telling them their miserable life stories.

  Modré Pondeli (Czech): “Blue Monday”—When you skip coming in to work to give yourself a three-day weekend.

  Razbliuto (Russia): The feeling you have for a person you used to love, but don’t anymore.

  Shitta (Iran): Leftover dinner that’s eaten for breakfast.

  Tartle (Scotland): To momentarily forget the name of the person you’re talking to. The word helps reduce the social embarrassment of such situations: “I’m sorry, I tartled there for a moment.�
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  Pana po’o (Hawaii): To scratch your head in an attempt to remember something you’ve forgotten.

  Ngaobera (Easter Island): A sore throat caused by too much screaming.

  Backpfeifengesicht (Germany): A face that’s just begging for somebody to put their fist in it.

  Papierkrieg (Germany): “Paper war”—bureaucratic paperwork whose only purpose is to block you from getting the refund, insurance payment, or other benefit that you have coming.

  Rujuk (Indonesia): To remarry your ex-wife.

  Mokita (New Guinea): The truth that everyone knows, but no one will speak about.

  Gorrero (Spain, Central America): Someone who never picks up the check.

  Fucha (Poland): Using your employer’s time and resources for your own purposes. (Uncle John had never heard of such a thing and wanted to ask around the office if anyone else had, but everyone is still out to lunch.)

  Which is bigger: Juneau (Alaska) or Los Angeles? Juneau, at 3,108 sq. mi. (LA is 458 sq. mi.)

  WRINKLES IN TIME

  Time travel has fascinated scientists and writers for centuries. While the mainstream scientific community continues to research it, some already claim to have done it. Are they brilliant visionaries, or just lunatics?

  TIME TRAVELER: Father Pellegrino Ernetti

  BACKGROUND: In 2002 Francois Brune, a French priest, wrote The Vatican’s New Mystery, a book about how his friend, Ernetti, an Italian priest, invented a machine he called the chronovisor in 1952. Housed in a small cabinet (like a TV set) it displayed events from anytime in history on a screen (like a TV set). The user selected where and to what year they wanted to “travel” with a series of dials (like a TV set). Ernetti said it worked by picking up, decoding, and displaying “radiation” left behind by the passage of time. He claims he was helped on the project by Nobel Prize-winning physicist Enrico Fermi and Nazi rocket scientist Wernher Von Braun. Ernetti said he used the chronovisor to visit ancient Rome to view and later produce an English translation of Thyestes, a Latin play thought to be lost. He also heard Napoleon give a speech in Italy in 1804 and saw Christ die on the cross. So what happened to the chronovisor? Brune says the Catholic Church forced Ernetti to disassemble the machine because of its potential for espionage.

  WHAT HAPPENED: Scientists have never found any evidence that the passage of time leaves a trail of radiation. And the existence of the chronovisor has never been confirmed.

  TIME TRAVELER: John Titor

  BACKGROUND: In 2000 Titor posted messages on Internet paranormal discussion boards claiming he was a soldier from the year 2036 sent back in time to retrieve a computer to fix software bugs on machines of the future. He made more posts, offered pictures of his time machine and its instructional manual, and gave incredibly detailed accounts of world events between 2000 and 2036. For instance, Titor claimed an escalating global war ends in 2015 when Russia drops nuclear bombs on the United States, China, and Europe, instantly dismantling all governments and killing three billion people. (Millions more die of mad cow disease.) Survivors group into agricultural communes. Despite the bleak post-apocalyptic landscape, technology is well advanced, with wireless Internet providing all phone service, television, and music. Titor achieved a huge following on paranormal websites and talk radio. Many thought he really could be a bona fide time traveler. But a few months later (in March 2001), Titor announced that he had found the computer he needed and he “returned” to the future. He was never heard from again.

  WHAT HAPPENED: “Titor” contradicted himself all over the place, claiming that World War III had destroyed all governments, but also that the U.S. government sent him back in time. Other “predictions” just didn’t pan out. He said a second American civil war would take place from 2004 to 2008, and that the 2004 Olympics were the last ones ever held. Also, when asked how his time machine (a modified 1967 Chevrolet, which somehow survived nuclear annihilation) worked, Titor claimed ignorance, calling himself a hired hand, not an engineer. So who was Titor? Some speculate it was a hoax concocted by the late author Michael Crichton.

  Aw, shoot: It's illegal to use a firearm to open a can of food in Indiana.

  TIME TRAVELER: Darren Daulton

  BACKGROUND: Daulton was an all-star catcher for the Philadelphia Phillies and Florida Marlins during the 1980s and ’90s. But he’s also an amateur metaphysicist. He claims that a little-known dimension causes all objects on Earth to vibrate slightly, and that only a handful of people, Daulton included, can detect it and use this ability to manipulate objects, the weather…and time. Daulton says that instead of dreaming, he leaves his body every night and travels into the future (but not the past). One event he’s witnessed: the end of the world, which he says will occur on December 21, 2012. However, Daulton has also been arrested several times for drunk driving, charges he says he’s innocent of. “I’ve been thrown in jail five or six times,” he says. “My wife blames everything on drinking. But I’m not a drunk. Nicole just doesn’t understand metaphysics.”

  WHAT HAPPENED: Daulton was a career .245 hitter. If he could manipulate time and objects, one would think he’d be able to give himself a better batting average.

  In 2003 New Jersey Devils goaltender Martin Brodeur took the NHL Stanley Cup to a movie theater and ate popcorn out of it.

  (BAD) DREAM HOUSES

  Everyone thinks their own horror stories about buying a new home are the worst, but they’re not—these are. Note: Some names have been changed to protect the gullible.

  Dream House: In 1998 John and Mary Jones found theirs in South Carolina.

  From Bad…They didn’t get a home inspection before closing. Result: Right after they moved in, problems started. The kitchen sink backed up, the washing machine overflowed, and when the plumber came to fix the leaks, the bathroom floor caved in.

  …To Nightmare! Then the air conditioner stopped working. The repairman figured the system was missing a filter, so he went into the attic to explore. But instead of a filter, he found bats—thousands of them. Even worse, over the years hundreds of gallons of bat guano had soaked into the insulation and wood of the structure, rendering the home a health hazard and completely uninhabitable. (Mary Jones developed a rare disease due to exposure from bat guano.)

  Dream House: Bill Barnes of southern Maryland was trying to sell his house. Ari Ozman, who claimed to be a traveling salesman who was moving his family into the area, didn’t want to buy—he wanted to rent. The market was a little slow, so when Ozman offered six months’ rent in advance, Barnes jumped at it.

  From Bad…Ozman wasn’t a traveling salesman—he was a scam artist. He put an ad in the local paper, offering Barnes’ house for sale at a bargain price and—no surprise—had more than 100 calls. And when buyers saw the space, they couldn’t resist the deal. Ozman’s terms: he’d reserve the house—for a $2,000 cash deposit.

  …To Nightmare! He repeated the scam 30 times, collected $60,000, and then took off. Barnes was left with nothing except Ozman’s security deposit and 30 angry “buyers.”

  Dream House: Jack Oldman purchased his in Virginia in 2001.

  From Bad…A few nights later, Oldman was asleep in bed when a squadron of fighter jets tore across the sky. He practically jumped out of his skin. It turned out that there was a military base nearby and flight training took place 15 nights a month. Still, Oldman decided to tough it out. Until the house started to smell.

  …To Nightmare! Oldman couldn’t locate the source of the odor, so he called the Department of Environmental Quality, which found the cadaver of a rotting animal in the foundation (the foul smell was filtering in through cracks in the concrete). What else could go wrong? Plenty—the roof structure was caving in; the chimney was disconnected from the house; and the ground under the house was shifting. Oldman’s recourse: He had none—the builder had long since filed for bankruptcy and disappeared.

  Dream House: Alan and Susan Sykes moved into theirs in West Yorkshire, England, in 2000.

  From Bad... O
ne evening a few months after moving in, the couple was watching a TV documentary about Dr. Samson Perera, a dental biologist who murdered his 13-year-old daughter and hid her dismembered body throughout his home and garden. Suddenly they recognized the house on TV: it was their house. When they got to the part that said the child’s body—which had been cut into more than 100 pieces—was never fully recovered, the Sykeses packed their bags, moved out that same night…and never went back.

  …To Nightmare! They sold the house (at a loss) and filed suit against the former owners, James and Alison Taylor-Rose, for withholding the house’s history. The judge said that since the Taylor-Roses were unaware of the murder when they bought the house in 1998 (they only placed it on the market after a neighbor told them about it), they were not liable, so the Sykeses lost the suit.

  Dream House: Cathie Kunkel found hers in Ontario, California.

  From Bad...In August 2001, four months after she moved in, Kunkel had a pond dug in her backyard. After removing only a foot of earth, workers discovered something putrid. “We thought it was a dead chicken,” said Kunkel. “The smell was horrendous.” The contractor filled in the shallow grave, but the odor lingered. Kunkel and her three children had to move out.

  ...To Nightmare! It wasn’t a chicken—it was a dead cow wrapped in plastic. The development was built on 18,000 acres of former dairy land… and they still don’t know how many dead cows are buried there.

  At one time, a Minnesota tax form required you to list your date of death.

  COLD, HARD FACTS

  …about the cold, hard continent of Antarctica.

  • Antarctica isn’t completely covered in ice—98% of the continent is. The ice averages 1.34 miles thick, and is 3 miles at its thickest.