Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader Read online

  Finally, Cole decided it was time to get out. They refused lunch (they weren’t sure what dietary restrictions might go along with their made-up religion) and left quickly on the excuse that there were no prayer mats for their daily devotionals.

  The delegation was given a military escort back to their train. Still in disguise and under Naval supervision, the “Abyssinians” requested that waiters serving them dinner wear white gloves. (The train stopped and was held up in Reading to purchase the gloves.)

  SHIP OF FOOLS

  Five days later a photograph appeared in the Daily Mirror, showing the “Abyssinian” delegation with their Naval hosts. In the accompanying article, Cole exposed the hoax and ridiculed the Navy for being so gullible. All over London, sailors were harassed with cries of “Bunga Bunga!” The Admiralty was furious, but its attempt to charge Cole and his party with treason (the delegation had seen top-secret areas of the ship) was hooted down in Parliament and the press. After all, as people pointed out, the only “treasonous” thing they’d done was make the Admiralty and its officers look like fools. Besides, the only actual crime committed was sending a telegram under a fake name.

  The Navy decided to not press charges, but still felt that somebody had to be punished. As the pranksters were all upper class, they could get away with a symbolic act to settle the dispute as gentlemen. Naval officers visited Cole and gave him six symbolic taps on the buttocks with a cane. Cole insisted he be allowed to do the same to the officers. Amazingly, the officers agreed.

  Meat Loaf is a vegetarian.

  TOO RISKY FOR GUINNESS

  Some world records are amazing, some are funny, some are ridiculous. Here’s a look at some folks who risked life and limb to make it into Guinness World Records…only to get tossed back out again.

  BACKGROUND

  When Ross and Norris McWhirter started keeping track of world records for the Guinness Brewing Company in 1955, they had to come up with guidelines for what kinds of records they’d allow in their book. Sex was out. So was anything having to do with crime or hard liquor (the book was sponsored by a brewery, so some beer-related records were permitted). They did allow many categories that were inherently dangerous, such as sword swallowing and fire eating, but as people attempted to break those records, the McWhirters became concerned that people might actually kill themselves in the attempt…and Guinness would be to blame. So in the late 1970s they started to “retire” (and later revive) some of the more dangerous categories. Here are a few examples:

  HOT-WATER-BOTTLE BURSTING

  Record Holder: Italian actor and bodybuilder Franco Columbu Details: Using only his lung power, in August 1979, Columbu inflated a rubber hot-water bottle to the bursting point (28.5 pounds per square inch of air pressure) in 23 seconds.

  What Happened: Columbu’s name and record made it into the 1980 edition, but by the 1981 edition they were gone, replaced with the following notice: “Contests involving the bursting of hot-water bottles with sheer lung power are regarded as medically most inadvisable, and the category has been discontinued.”

  Update: For a while Guinness replaced hot-water-bottle bursting with weather-balloon blowing, but today the hot-water bottles are back in. The current record holder is George Christen, who, in 2000, inflated a hot-water bottle to the bursting point in 52.68 seconds—almost 30 seconds slower than Columbu’s record.

  Foreign rulers: French revolutionaries invented the metric system.

  BURIAL ALIVE (VOLUNTARY)

  Record Holder: Hendrick Luypaerts of Hechtel, Belgium

  Details: In April 1974, Luypaerts climbed into a coffin 6'6" long, 33½" wide, and 25" deep, and was buried alive beneath almost 10 feet of dirt. He stayed there for 101 days and 37 minutes, with only a small tube for air, water, food, and…uh…bathroom needs connecting him to the surface. (Guinness says the record for involuntary burial alive is six years and five months, set by two Polish men who were trapped in a demolished World War II bunker from January 1945 until June 1951.)

  What Happened: In 1979 the Guinness referees announced that future claims would be inadmissable “unless the depth of the coffin is a minimum two meters below ground with a maximum length of two meters, width of 70 centimeters, height of 100 centimeters, and a maximum aperture of 10 centimeters for feeding and communication.” Then the following year they dumped the category altogether.

  Update: In 1998 a British man named Geoff Smith broke the record by staying underground for 147 days in honor of his deceased mother, who had set the European record of being buried alive for 101 days. But Guinness refused to recognize Smith’s attempt, saying the category was too dangerous. Smith had to settle for recognition from Ripley’s Believe It or Not, but says he doesn’t mind. “Although the feat is not recognized by Guinness, everyone in the world knows who I am now after what I’ve done,” he says.

  Related Note: The category “Most Cockroaches in a Coffin” is still open. Any takers? (You have to get in the coffin with the cockroaches.) Current record: 20,050 cockroaches.

  SWORD SWALLOWING

  Record Holder: “Count Desmond” of Binghamton, New York

  Details: Desmond set the record in 1981 by swallowing thirteen 23" swords, but injured himself in the process.

  What Happened: Guinness officials acknowledged the attempt …then retired the category. “We don’t want Count Desmond trying any more, saying he cut his guts out for Guinness,” the book’s American editor, David Boehm, explained.

  Frightening fact: Phobatrivaphobia is a fear of trivia about phobias.

  Update: As of 1999, sword swallowing is back in, with a twist—literally. The new category is called “Most Swords Swallowed and Twisted.” Current record holder: Brad Byers of Moscow, Idaho. On August 13, 1999, he swallowed ten 27" swords and rotated them a full 180° in his esophagus. But, according to Guinness, “Brad says he once cut his epiglottis so badly that he couldn’t eat or drink for 48 hours.”

  BICYCLE EATING

  Record Holder: French entertainer Michel Lotito, also known as Monsieur Mangetout (“Mr. Eat All”)

  Details: Between March 17, 1977, and April 2, 1977, Mangetout devoured one entire bicycle, including the tires, which he consumed by cutting them into strips and making a “stew.”

  What Happened: Monsieur Mangetout’s category was closed, but unlike some other discontinued dangerous categories, Guinness continued to print the record in subsequent editions. Why? “The ultimate in stupidity—the eating of a bicycle—has been recorded since it is unlikely to attract competition,” the Guinness people wrote.

  Update: Mangetout, who claims to devour two pounds of metal in a typical day, has blown past his old record: Since 1977 he has consumed a Cessna 150 aircraft, several televisions, shopping carts, and 17 more items. Today he’s listed under the category “strangest diet.” Is there anything Lotito won’t eat? “I don’t eat hard-boiled eggs or bananas,” he says. “They make me sick.”

  NEW CATEGORIES

  • Fastest Car Driven While Blindfolded: 144.75 mph, by Mike Newman at North Yorkshire, U.K., in August 2003.

  • Scorpion Eating: 35,000 by Rene Alvarenga of El Salvador. He averages 25 venomous scorpions a day.

  • Fastest Motorcycle Driven While Blindfolded: 164.87 mph, by Billy Baxter at Wiltshire, U.K., in August 2003.

  • Most Rattlesnakes Held in the Mouth at One Time: Eight, by Jackie Bibby in Orlando, Florida, in May 2001.

  The town of Levan—in the center of Utah—is “navel” spelled backwards.

  FLUBBED HEADLINES

  These are 100% honest-to-goodness headlines. Can you figure out what the writers were trying to say?

  Man Eating Piranha Mistakenly Sold as Pet Fish

  Nuns Forgive Break-In, Assault Suspect

  MAN WITH ONE ARM CHEATS ON OTHER HALF

  Home Depot Purchases Wallpaper, Blinds Retailers

  NATION SPLIT ON BUSH AS UNITER OR DIVIDER

  Man Is Fatally Slain

  UTAH GIRL DOES WELL
IN DOG SHOWS

  Smithsonian May Cancel Bombing of Japan Exhibits

  POLL SAYS 53% BELIEVE THAT MEDIA OFFEN MAKES MISTAKES

  Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

  Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn’t Seen in Years

  A REASON FOR ODOR FOUND AT SEWER PLANT

  Judges Appear More Lenient on Crack Cocaine

  William Kelly Was Fed Secretary

  TV Networks Agree to Police Violence

  Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let’s Resolve to Do Better

  DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON

  Bush Planning Mars Trip

  ARAFAT SWEARS IN CABINET

  Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

  LANSING RESIDENTS CAN DROP OFF TREES

  Sewer District Plans Emergency Backup

  Man Accused of Shooting Neighbor, Dog Held for Trial

  First actor to appear on the cover of Time magazine: Charlie Chaplin, in 1925.

  BOX OFFICE BLOOPERS

  Everyone loves bleepers…er, bloppers…er, we mean bloopers. Here are a few great ones from the silver screen.

  Movie: Goldfinger (1964)

  Scene: Dressed as Army soldiers, Goldfinger’s crew breaks into Fort Knox and disables personnel with nerve gas.

  Blooper: They’re wearing Air Force insignias on their Army uniforms.

  Movie: The Sound of Music (1965)

  Scene: Maria (Julie Andrews) is riding on a bus singing “I Have Confidence in Me.”

  Blooper: The bus is supposed to be moving…but the mountains in the background never change.

  Movie: Free Willy (1993)

  Scene: Randolph and Jesse are sitting inside by a window reading a book together.

  Blooper: At the beginning of the scene, the sun is shining brightly. Two minutes later, it’s pitch black outside.

  Movie: Crash (2004)

  Scene: Officer Ryan (Matt Dillon) is talking on the phone about his father’s health insurance.

  Blooper: Ryan is a patrolman, but he’s wearing sergeant stripes.

  Movie: Annie Hall (1977)

  Scene: The end credits.

  Blooper: Christopher Walken’s name is listed as “Christopher Wlaken.”

  Movie: 9 to 5 (1980)

  Scene: Violet (Lily Tomlin) gets stopped by the police for a broken taillight.

  Blooper: When the car pulls away, both taillights are working fine.

  Nearly three-fourths of all the fresh water in the world is in Canada.

  Movie: Napoleon Dynamite (2004)

  Scene: Napoleon dances to a funk song after Pedro’s class president speech.

  Blooper: During the dance, Napoleon’s shirt is tucked in, then it’s untucked, then tucked back in, then untucked, then tucked in again.

  Movie: The Da Vinci Code (2006)

  Scene: In a flashback scene, Mary Magdalene (Charlotte Graham) leaves Jerusalem. As she walks, the Dome of the Rock is clearly visible in the background.

  Blooper: This landmark was built in the 7th century…about 700 years after Mary Magdalene died.

  Movie: Charlie’s Angels (2000)

  Scene: The Angels are fighting the Thin Man (Crispin Glover).

  Blooper: Just before Dylan (Drew Barrymore) lifts up Alex (Lucy Liu) to kick the Thin Man, she calls her “Lucy,” not “Alex.”

  Movie: Mr. and Mrs. Smith (2005)

  Scene: Three BMWs chase Mr. and Mrs. Smith (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie).

  Blooper: The movie is supposed to take place in New York City. So why do we see a street sign reading “Los Angeles City Limits”?

  Movie: 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

  Scene: The shuttle crew discovers the monolith on the moon. As they gaze at it, moon dust begins to blow around.

  Blooper: There is no wind on the moon—it has no atmosphere.

  Movie: Romeo + Juliet (1996)

  Scene: Romeo (Leonardo DiCaprio) and Juliet (Clare Danes) lie dead.

  Blooper: Romeo blinks.

  Movie: A Night at the Opera (1935)

  Scene: Mr. Driftwood (Groucho Marx) complains that his meal at a restaurant in Milan, Italy, costs $9.

  Blooper: They didn’t use dollars in Italy…they used lire.

  Johnny Depp played guitar on the 1998 Oasis album Be Here Now.

  INVENTIVE ADVERTISING

  The other day, we were eating delicious Cowboy Burgers at Applebee’s when Uncle John remarked that it seems like advertising is becoming more and more intrusive. Then he took a refreshing sip of his ice-cold Pepsi.

  BEER-FOOT

  When the town of Creston, British Columbia, couldn’t come up with the $20,000 needed to build a statue of Sasquatch, the Kokanee Brewing Company came to the rescue. But Kokanee’s contribution to the statue fund was contingent on one small change in the design. Now Bigfoot can be sighted in downtown Creston…carrying a 12-pack of Kokanee beer.

  HOT CUP OF WHAT?

  The advertising company Saatchi & Saatchi came up with a clever idea to help sell Folgers coffee: paint New York City manhole covers so they look like full cups of coffee viewed from above. As the manhole covers emit steam, they look like steaming cups of Folgers coffee. (You know it’s Folgers because the logo appears prominently on the street next to the cover.) One problem: The steam that rises out of the manholes doesn’t smell like coffee, but rather like something much worse and much less appetizing.

  FAUX-LANTHROPY

  In 2004 Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream responded to a plea from a group of nuns in Amsterdam, Netherlands, to help the homeless. Displaying incredible generosity, the company gave winter jackets to the city’s street people. But every jacket they donated bore the Ben & Jerry’s logo.

  PIMP MY DRINK

  In 2004 Seagram’s Gin “found” its way into popular songs from such hip-hop artists as Twista, Dem Franchize Boyz, and Kanye West. Another performer, Petey Pablo, scored the year’s second-most-played rap song, “Freek-a-Leek,” which features the lines: “Now I got to give a shout out to Seagram’s Gin / ’Cause I’m drinkin’ it and they payin’ me for it!”

  Hedgehog urine was once believed to cure baldness.

  AMERICAN GRAFFITI, INC.

  Targeting their products to inner-city youth, Sony Music hired graffiti artists to spray-paint ads on walls in many American cities. The ads depicted caricatures of urban kids enjoying Sony music products. City officials, especially in San Francisco, were furious that a major corporation would advocate vandalism and ordered Sony to clean up the walls or face legal action. Sony denied involvement at first, but finally gave in and removed the ads.

  SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM!

  British comedy troupe Monty Python, who routinely made fun of Spam on their 1970s TV show, was paid by Hormel Foods to display cans of the processed meat in Spamalot, their Broadway musical adaptation of the film Monty Python and the Holy Grail. (Spamalot also featured a paid mention of Yahoo!)

  A NOVEL APPROACH

  In her chick-lit book The Sweetest Taboo, British novelist Carole Matthews changed the car her heroine drives from a Volkswagen Beetle to a Ford Fiesta. Why? Ford paid her—plus they gave Matthews her own Fiesta (which she named Flossie).

  JO$E, CAN YOU $EE?

  In 2005 famed playwright Neil Simon approved a script change in his 1969 play Sweet Charity: The original version had the characters simply drinking “tequila.” Now they drink “Jose Cuervo’s Gran Centenario Premium Tequila.” And not only that, the Jose Cuervo logo was displayed prominently on some of the sets.

  BODY LANGUAGE

  In 2005 Karolyne Smith of Salt Lake City offered something unusual on eBay: advertising space…on her forehead. She did it, she says, to send her son to private school. GoldenPalace.com, an online casino, chose the “Buy It Now” option for $10,000, and Smith now has a tattoo of the casino’s logo on her forehead. “To me, $10,000 is like $1 million,” she said. “And it’s a small sacrifice to build a better future for my son.”

  A tiger can cov
er about 30 feet in a single stride.

  FAMOUS LAST WORDS

  If you could choose your last words, what would they be?

  “Curtain! Fast music! Lights!

  Ready for the last finale!

  Great! The show looks good!”

  —Florenz Ziegfeld, Broadway producer, hallucinating on his deathbed

  “It hurts.”

  —Charles de Gaulle

  “Dost thou think that I am afraid of it? This will cure all sorrows. What dost thou fear?

  Strike, man, strike!”

  —Sir Walter Raleigh, to his executioner

  “I’m losing.”

  —Frank Sinatra

  “I am not going. Do with me what you like. I am not going. Come on! Come on! Take action! Let’s go!”

  —Sitting Bull, to the police who were there to arrest him, just before being shot

  “Vancouver! Vancouver! This is it! This is…”

  —David Johnston, geologist who was killed in the 1980 eruption of Mt. St. Helens

  “I’m tired. I’m going back to bed.”

  —George Reeves, who starred as Superman in the 1950s, to his friends before shooting himself

  “Wait until I have finished my problem!”

  —Archimedes, Greek mathematician, to the Roman soldier who captured and killed him

  “No.”

  —Alexander Graham Bell, in sign language, to his deaf wife, who pleaded, “Don’t leave me.”

  “Codeine. Bourbon.”

  —Tallulah Bankhead

  “Dammit…Don’t you dare ask God to help me!”

  —Joan Crawford, to her housekeeper, who was praying for her

  “Yeah.”

  —John Lennon, to the cop driving him to the hospital, who asked, “Are you John Lennon?”

  Think you know everything about Harry Potter? Okay—when’s his birthday? (July 31)