Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader Read online

  Now that’s a buzz: Orchids release a chemical that makes bees drunk.

  TREATY OAK Once the largest in a circle of 14 oaks that Tonkawa Indians called the Council Oaks. Treaty Oak was the spot where, according to legend, Stephen Austin signed a treaty with the Tonkawas for the land that is now Austin, Texas. With a 127-foot canopy spread, the 500-year-old tree was one of the finest examples of oaks in the world. But in 1989 someone tried to poison Treaty Oak. Arborists were able to save the tree, but it lost more than half of its canopy, making it a shadow of its former self. Good news, though: In 1997 Treaty Oak, the last of the Council Oaks still standing, produced its first acorns since the attack, and will hopefully make a full recovery.

  WASHINGTON’S TULIP POPLARS

  George Washington: President, general, landscaper. Landscaper? At Mount Vernon, his estate in northern Virginia, Washington found solace in creating gardens. One of his favorite American trees was the tulip poplar. A pair of 100-foot specimens, planted by Washington himself, still thrive on the grounds of Mount Vernon. The Marquis de Lafayette, a close friend of Washington’s, was also fond of the tulip poplar and brought a few saplings back to France. He presented them to Marie Antoinette, who had them planted at Versailles. The last of the Lafayette poplars died during the winter of 1999, but, as a reminder of the two men’s friendship, the trees were replaced with offspring from Washington’s original tulip poplars at Mt. Vernon.

  “Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does.”

  —George Bernard Shaw

  Hair grows slower at night.

  FOUL BALLS

  Lots of people go to baseball games hoping they’ll catch the next ball that gets hit into the stands. These fans got lucky...or did they?

  Is it a squib or is

  The Fan: Robert Cotter, an 11-year-old boy who went to a Philadelphia Phillies game in 1922.

  The Catch: One of the players hit a foul ball into the stands, and Cotter managed to catch it. He wanted to keep it, but in those days baseballs were too expensive for teams to give away, so fans who caught fouls were expected to give them back. Cotter refused—even when security guards ordered him to hand the ball over. That evening he became the first and probably the only kid in professional baseball history to spend the night in jail for refusing to give back a ball.

  What Happened: The next day, Cotter was hauled before a judge, who ordered that he be set free. “Such an act on the part of a boy is merely proof that he is following his most natural impulses,” the disgusted judge told the court. “It is a thing I would do myself.”

  Cotter never did get his ball back, but that summer he got something better: A woman in New York who read his story invited him to New York to watch the Yankees play the Philadelphia Athletics. At the game, he got an autographed baseball and even got to meet Babe Ruth.

  Aftermath: As home runs became increasingly common in the 1920s, teams realized they’d have problems if they kept jailing fans who kept the balls hit into the stands. So they gave in and decided to allow the practice. Do we have Cotter to thank for it? It’s hard to say—even Cotter doesn’t remember. “I’m not sure if I caused that,” he told USA Today in 1998. “I was only eleven.”

  The Fans: Alex Popov, a health food restaurant owner from Berkeley, California, and Patrick Hayashi, a college student from San Diego.

  The Catch: In October 2001, both men were at Pac Bell Park in San Francisco when Giants slugger Barry Bonds hit his record-setting, single-season 73rd home run into the stands. A camera crew recorded the scene: the ball landed in Popov’s glove and he managed to hang on to it for only six-tenths of a second before he was enveloped by a mob of glove-wielding fans who were also trying to catch it. Popov lost the ball. It was at this point that Hayashi says he saw the ball on the ground, grabbed it, and held it up for everyone to see. Security guards escorted him to a room where officials authenticated the ball as genuine and certified him as the owner.

  In golf lingo, a putt on a hilly green is called a “Dolly Parton.”

  It’s not uncommon for home run balls to bounce from one fan to another. But Popov was adamant that the ball landed in his glove first, making him the rightful owner. When Hayashi would not give it back, Popov sued him.

  What Happened: The case wasn’t tried until 13 months later; then, following a two-week trial, the judge deliberated for an entire month before finally arriving at his decision: both claims of ownership were legitimate, so the ball would have to be sold at auction and the proceeds split evenly between them.

  Aftermath: Initially the ball was expected to fetch $1 to 2 million, but by the time the lawsuit was resolved, the economy had worsened and public interest in the ball had dropped significantly. In the end it sold for only $450,000, or $225,000 each for Popov and Hayashi. How much money did Popov get for his troubles? Less than zero—in July 2003, his attorney sued him to recover $473,500 in unpaid legal bills relating to the case.

  The Fan: Jay Arsenault, a construction worker from Vacaville, California.

  The Catch: In August 2002, three of Arsenault’s buddies gave him a ticket to a Giants game at Pac Bell Park. At the time Barry Bonds was approaching another record: he was about to become only the fourth player in pro baseball history to hit 600 home runs in his career. The friends all agreed that in exchange for giving Arsenault the ticket, if he caught the 600th ball, he would sell it and they’d all split the proceeds. Amazingly, Arsenault did catch the ball—but rather than honor the agreement as promised, he hid from his friends. They filed a lawsuit, claiming breach of an oral contract.

  What Happened: In October, Arsenault, claiming he’d been “totally overwhelmed by the situation,” backed down and agreed to sell the ball and split the money just like he’d promised. “This is better for both sides,” Eric Bergen, one of the friends, told reporters. “This is what we wanted from the beginning.”

  Big picture: The first VCR, made in 1956, was about the size of a piano.

  The Fan: Nick O’Brien, a four-year-old boy whose parents took him to a Texas Rangers-St. Louis Cardinals game in June 2004.

  The Catch: Right fielder Gary Matthews, Jr. hit a foul ball into the stands. It landed at Nick’s feet, but as he was reaching down to pick it up, a grown man pushed him away and grabbed the ball.

  What Happened: Nick’s mother, Edie O’Brien, confronted the man. “You trampled a four-year-old boy to get this ball!” she yelled at him, but he refused to give the ball back. The incident, caught on camera, was replayed on the park’s giant video screens. Outraged fans started chanting “Give him the ball!” and the mood turned ugly, but still the man that the Rangers announcer called “the biggest jerk in this park” refused to give the ball back. He was literally booed out of the stands. Nick fared a little better: the Rangers invited him and his parents down to the dugout and gave him two autographed bats and four autographed balls, including one signed by Hall of Famer Nolan Ryan.

  That might have been the end of it, had the Dallas Morning News not identified the Biggest Jerk in the Park as 28-year-old Matt Starr, a married landscaper and former youth minister living in a Dallas suburb. By Wednesday, when Nick and his mom and dad were in New York telling their story on Good Morning America, reporters were camped out in front of Starr’s house. He was nowhere to be found.

  Aftermath: Three days was all it took: on Wednesday night Starr caved in, called the Rangers, and told them he would give the ball to Nick, along with a letter of apology and tickets to an upcoming game. “He doesn’t want any more publicity about this,” a Rangers spokesperson told reporters. “He’s hoping this will bring some sort of closure.”

  CAUGHT WITH THEIR PANTS DOWN

  In January 2004, three men in Spokane, Washington, decided to have a little fun by running through the local Denny’s at dawn, wearing just their shoes and hats. Their only mistake: leaving the car engine running. While they were streaking through the restaurant, someone stole their c
ar and their clothes. The three naked pranksters had to hide behind parked cars until police arrived to take them to jail.

  It takes about 0.3 seconds to blink.

  FLUBBED HEADLINES

  These are 100% real, honest-to-goodness headlines. Can you figure out what they were trying to say?

  Doctor Testifies in Horse Suit

  DIET OF PREMATURE BABIES AFFECTS IQ

  Oprah, Madonna Talk Marriage

  COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY

  Groom Sues Bride of 4 Mouths

  GENERAL EISENHOWER FLIES BACK TO FRONT

  God Gets a Parking Caution: “No Exceptions” Say Police

  Dumped Fish Remains Upset

  AIRLINE TRAVEL SAFER DESPITE MORE ACCIDENTS

  American Ships Head To Libya

  WOMAN NOT INJURED BY COOKIE

  LACK OF WATER HURTS ICE FISHING

  L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide

  LAWYER CALLS SOUL AS WITNESS

  Thanks to President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has a Son

  TORTOISES HELD HOSTAGE AS LOBSTER WAR TURNS NASTY

  SNOW STORMS MAY BE PRECURSOR OF WINTER

  Blind Bishop Appointed to See

  Diaper Market Bottoms Out

  Ancient Blonde Corpses Raise Questions

  LAWYERS GIVE POOR FREE LEGAL ADVICE

  California Governor Makes Stand on Dirty Toilets

  REASON FOR MORE BEAR SIGHTINGS: MORE BEARS

  Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

  CUTS COULD HURT ANIMALS

  NUDE SCENE DONE TASTEFULLY IN RADIO PLAY

  Gray whales make the longest annual migration of any mammal...12,000 miles round trip.

  BOX OFFICE BLOOPERS

  Everyone loves bleepers, er, bloppers, er, we mean bloopers. Here are a few great ones from the silver screen.

  Movie: Lethal Weapon 2 (1989)

  Scene: Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson) is placed in a strait-jacket and thrown into a river.

  Blooper: Struggling to escape from the straitjacket, Riggs purposely dislocates his left shoulder. Back on dry land, he slams his right shoulder against a car to put it back in place.

  Movie: Return of the Jedi (1983)

  Scene: When Han Solo (Harrison Ford) is frozen in carbonite at the end of The Empire Strikes Back, his arms are bound together by a leather strap.

  Blooper: When he is unfrozen in the sequel, the straps are gone.

  Movie: Terminator 2 (1991)

  Scene: The Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger), Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton), and John Connor (Edward Furlong) escape from a mental hospital in a car, driving in reverse.

  Blooper: The stunt driver is driving from the trunk of the car, and you can see his head pop up just inside the rear window.

  Movie: Panic Room (2002)

  Scene: When the group of robbers first enters the house, Meg (Jodie Foster) runs into her daughter’s room and dumps a bottle of water on the girl to wake her up.

  Blooper: They quickly make their way to the panic room, but once they’re inside, the girl is completely dry.

  Bonus Blooper: The survival pack inside the panic room is well-stocked with almost everything they need—except food. (It does have another “essential,” though: sugar-free breath mints.)

  Movie: Gladiator (2000)

  Scene: After the battle with the Germans, Maximus (Russell Crowe) feeds his horse an apple.

  First actor to refuse an Oscar: George C. Scott (for Patton in 1970).

  Blooper: You can see a crewman standing in the background (wearing blue jeans).

  Movie: One Hour Photo (2002)

  Scene: Nina (Connie Nielsen) drops off three rolls of film.

  Blooper: Although the film she drops off is clearly labeled “Fuji Superior,” when Sy (Robin Williams) runs the film through the machine all the negatives say “Kodak.”

  Movie: The Last of the Mohicans (1992)

  Scene: The British troops leave Fort Henry.

  Blooper: As the Huron warriors begin to attack the British, the camera moves behind the procession, and in the middle of the commotion a man in a blue hat can be seen raising a megaphone.

  Movie: Star Wars (1977)

  Scene: Stormtroopers break into the control room.

  Blooper: One unfortunate trooper rushes in and slams his head against the door frame.

  Movie: The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

  Scene: Just before the final battle at Helm’s Deep, the villagers run into caves for safety.

  Blooper: As the camera pans the rocky interior, one of the villagers leans against a stalactite...which wobbles back and forth.

  Movie: The Scorpion King (2002)

  Scene: Opening narration.

  Blooper: The film is said to have taken place long before the time of the pyramids, yet all the swords seem to be made of steel, which would not be invented for thousands of years to come.

  Movie: Signs (2002)

  Scene: Merrill (Joaquin Phoenix) is in an Army recruiting office.

  Blooper: The “Army” poster in the background shows a soldier in a Marine Corps uniform.

  Hold on! The Milky Way galaxy is moving at 170 miles per second.

  (B)AD CAMPAIGNS

  Advertisers are always trying to come up with new ways to sell their products. Sometimes they end up achieving the opposite result.

  BRILLIANT MARKETING IDEA: In April 2000, IBM launched its “Peace, Love and Linux” ad campaign to promote their Linux operating system. The plan: hire graffiti artists in Chicago, Boston, New York, and San Francisco to stencil hundreds of peace symbols (for “peace”), hearts (for “love”), and smiling penguins (the Linux logo) on sidewalks in biodegradable chalk. Rain and normal foot traffic would cause the ads to disappear after about a week.

  ON SECOND THOUGHT: They were supposed to use biodegradable chalk, but somehow the artists in San Francisco either didn’t get the message or decided to improvise, because they didn’t use chalk—they used spray paint, which isn’t biodegradable and doesn’t disappear in a week. Some of the artists were caught in the act, but IBM wouldn’t fess up. “At first they feigned ignorance,” a San Francisco city supervisor told the Los Angeles Times. “Then they refused to give the name of the local ad agency. That’s when we parted ways about being amicable.” IBM eventually admitted guilt and paid San Francisco more than $100,000 in compensation. “I guess we got a little carried away,” an IBM spokesperson told reporters.

  BRILLIANT MARKETING IDEA: In the early 1980s, Pan Am Airways decided to run a promotion for its New York to San Juan, Puerto Rico, route by serving a special meal on the flight: salami, cheese, and an apple in a basket, along with a small bottle of Mateus wine and a tiny tablecloth. The airline made plans to publicize the promotion by running newspaper ads.

  ON SECOND THOUGHT: The idea seemed simple enough... until the 2,000 pounds of sliced salami arrived. Pan Am’s agreement with its in-house food preparers stipulated that only they could slice meats served on the airline. So Pan Am rescheduled the newspaper ads and ordered 2,000 pounds of fresh, unsliced salami...only to learn that the little bottles of wine were delivered to New York, and the baskets were sent to San Juan. It rescheduled the newspaper ads again...only to learn that while New York was shipping the wine to San Juan, San Juan was shipping the baskets to New York. The ads were rescheduled again. Finally, when everything was in order, the ads ran, the special meals were served on the flight...and the flight attendants realized that the bottles had cork tops instead of screw-off caps. (The planes didn’t carry corkscrews.) Pan Am replaced the corked bottles with screw top bottles and a short time later switched the small jumbo jets on the New York to San Juan route over to much larger 747s. When the flight attendants complained that preparing baskets for all 300 passengers was too time consuming, the airline scrapped the promotion altogether.

  Cosmic question: Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?

  BRILLIANT MARKETING IDEA: In 1998 Toyota launched an ad campaign ai
med at young African Americans.

  ON SECOND THOUGHT: An ad for a Toyota Corolla that ran in Jet magazine had the slogan, “Unlike your last boyfriend, it goes to work in the morning.” And then in 2001 they ran an ad that showed a young smiling black man with a gold outline of the RAV4 on his front tooth. Jesse Jackson and other civil rights leaders were incensed. When they threatened a boycott of Toyota and Lexus, Toyota diffused the crisis by negotiating a 10-year, $7.8 billion campaign to improve corporate diversity.

  BRILLIANT MARKETING IDEA: In 1989 Kraft General Foods launched its “Ready to Roll” game promotion: customers who bought Kraft Singles cheese slices could match a “left half” game piece inside the cheese package with a “right half” coupon inserted into Sunday newspapers in Chicago and Houston. Prizes included bicycles, skateboards, cheese, and a 1990 Dodge Caravan. Odds of winning the $17,000 van: 15 million to 1.

  ON SECOND THOUGHT: Kraft only planned to issue one grand prize-winning game piece...but the printer made a mistake and printed 10,000 of them, plus another 10,000 winning pieces for the bikes, skateboards and free cheese. “Essentially all of the game pieces appear to be winning ones,” a Kraft spokesperson told reporters. When the company tried to cancel the promotion, the “winning” contestants sued; Kraft ended up paying $700 to everyone who won a van—and giving smaller prizes to other winners. Total payout: $10 million.

  The word pencil is Latin for “little tail.”

  FIGHTING WORDS

  Wartime leaders with an ear for a memorable phrase.

  “War is cruelty. There’s no use trying to reform it, the crueler it is the sooner it will be over.”

  —William Tecumseh Sherman

  “I prefer fifty thousand rifles to fifty thousand votes.”

  —Benito Mussolini

  “Next to a battle lost, the greatest misery is a battle gained.”

  —The Duke of Wellington