Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Wonderful World of Odd Read online

  A mole can dig 300 feet of tunnel in one night.

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  GETTING THE STAR TREATMENT

  One of the nice things about being a famous act like the Beach Boys or Prince is that you get to ask for whatever you want in your contract…and concert promoters have to give it to you. Here’s what these folks asked for:

  Little Richard: “Artist retains the right to distribute souvenir books to the public free of charge. The book is the summary of Little Richard’s moral beliefs.”

  The Dixie Chicks: “Fan base is approximately 70 percent female. Therefore the possibility of overcrowded female restrooms exist. Remedy this by turning around some of the men’s restroom facilities in the main concourse into women’s facilities.”

  Prince: “All items in this dressing room must be covered by clear plastic wrap until uncovered by artist.”

  The Beach Boys: “No form of media advertising shall contain the word ‘oldies’ in conjunction with artist’s name or logo.”

  Foo Fighters: “Any strange or lingering odors should be dealt with and covered up wherever and whenever possible.”

  The town of Ding Dong, Texas, is located in Bell County.

  AN “E” FOR EFFORT

  One of our favorite topics is dumb crooks. Here are a few people who tried extra hard to commit crimes…and still failed.

  PLAY A HAPPY SONG

  Clifton Lovell is the owner of a musical instrument store called Guitars and Cadillacs in DeQueen, Arkansas. One day in 2006 he saw a man leaving the store with a strange guitar-shaped shape in his pants. Lovell followed 29-year-old Morgan Conaster out of the store and asked him what he had in his pants. “Nothing,” said Conaster…but he eventually confessed, opened his jacket, and pulled a solidbody electric guitar from his pantleg. He was arrested.

  SAAB STORY

  Joshua E. Reed of Rutland, New York, was arrested on theft charges in late 2006, and as a condition of his bail had to report to the local sheriff’s office once a day. One day in November, he suddenly realized he didn’t have a ride to the sheriff’s office and he was going to be late for his meeting…so he stole a car. Rutland police spotted the green 1994 Saab, pulled Reed over, and arrested him. “He has a once-daily reporting requirement and, as ridiculous as it sounds, he was concerned about reporting on time,” Reed’s lawyer said. “He just wasn’t thinking.” Reed was thrown back in jail and now faces up to 12 years in prison.

  DON’T DRINK AND EAT

  Police in Kemerovo, Russia, pulled a man over in 2006 on suspicion of drunk driving when they saw his car weaving down the road. The man, who was not identified, admitted that he’d drunk half a quart of pure grain alcohol. When the police told him they were going to confiscate his car, the man decided to try to thwart them…by popping his keys in his mouth and trying to swallow them. One of the officers tried to retrieve the keys, fearing that the driver would choke, but the driver bit him. The police were finally able to get the keys out of the man’s mouth (after putting gloves on), and arrested him for drunk driving…and disobeying police orders.

  Among ancient Incas, a couple was considered officially wed when they exchanged sandals.

  WHEN THE DUMB TURN PRO

  A 20-year-old man in a Springfield, Massachusetts, courtroom was refused his request to be released without bail after the judge looked at the identification form the man had filled out. Under occupation he had written “Drug Dealer.”

  CLAUS, SANTA (D-NORTH POLE)

  In 2004, 22-year-old Chad Staton was arrested after he attempted to register more than 100 false names into the Defiance County, Ohio, voter rolls. Some of the names he used on the forms: Mary Poppins, Jeffrey Dahmer, and Janet Jackson.

  FAIL, FAIL AGAIN

  In May 2001, Shawn Myers drove his pickup truck to Lynn’s Market in Wellsville, Pennsylvania. Then he drove into Lynn’s Market. Backwards. He crashed through the plate-glass window and tried to steal the store’s ATM machine by dragging it out with a chain attached to the truck. It didn’t work. A few days later, he went back and crashed his truck through the plywood that was covering the broken window, and again tried to steal the ATM. Again he failed. A few days after that, he drove through the front window of nearby Rutter’s Farm Store. This time he actually made off down the street with the ATM bouncing along behind the truck…until it hit a parked car and broke free. Several months later, Myers returned to Lynn’s Market, drove through Lynn’s plate-glass window (again), chained up the ATM, and drove off. This time the ATM stayed with him; he got away and later broke into the machine…but there was no money in it. Myers was eventually arrested, ordered to pay thousands of dollars in restitution, and sentenced to six years in prison. He told the judge he only tried to steal the ATMs because he needed money for court costs from previous trials.

  THAT WAS JUST PRACTICE

  Two men in Benicia, California, did almost everything right: Ski masks? Check. Semiautomatic handguns? Check. Burst into the bank and order everyone to lie down on the floor? Check. Get the money? Uh, there was no money. It was a credit union that didn’t use cash—at all. The two men ran away and were never caught.

  The town of Waterproof, Louisiana, has been flooded numerous times.

  MARRY ME!

  …or I’ll throw this baby in the river! (And other strange wedding proposals.)

  WHO: Adam Sutton of Rome, Georgia

  PROPOSED TO: Erika Brussee

  HOW: By crashing a plane (with her in it). In 2006 Sutton talked Brussee into accompanying him on a “sightseeing trip” on a small chartered plane around Rome. But on the ground his family was waiting with a large tarp that read, “Will you marry me?” The pilot flew over the message. Brussee saw it. “The tarp was upside down,” she said later. “But I saw the word ‘marry.’ I turned to look at him…and that’s when we crashed.” The plane’s low altitude and speed caused it to go down and burst into flames at Richard B. Russell Regional Airport. The pilot needed surgery, but luckily everyone else was okay. (And she said “yes.”)

  WHO: Ugur San of Berlin, Germany

  PROPOSED TO: Melek, his girlfriend

  HOW: By subway train closed-circuit television. In December 2006, San used his position as an employee of the Berlin underground to make his unique proposal to his girlfriend Melek, whom he had met on one of the trains. He recorded the message, “Hello Melek, my angel. Since meeting you, I realize how beautiful life can be. Will you marry me?” and then had it transmitted on the trains for ten hours straight. (No word on whether she accepted.)

  WHO: Col. William Fitzhugh of Virginia

  PROPOSED TO: Ann Rousby of Maryland

  HOW: By threatening to drown her baby. Fitzhugh was a friend of George Washington and a supporter of the American Revolution. Long before that, in 1752, the 32-year-old proposed to the widowed Ann Rousby. She refused. He proposed again. She refused again. After five rejections, he grabbed her infant daughter, ran to his boat on the Patuxent River, and had his sailors row away. Once he was far enough out, he held the baby over the water and threatened to throw her in if Ann didn’t marry him. She married him. They went on to have four children and were married until Ann’s death—43 years later.

  How many dogs appear in Shakespeare’s plays? Only one: Crab, in Two Gentlemen of Verona.

  WHO: “JP,” of Hendersonville, Tennessee

  PROPOSED TO: Undisclosed

  HOW: Via the Super Bowl. In 2006 a man identified only as “JP” started “My Super Proposal,” a Web site asking people to donate money so he could buy a 30-second commercial during the Super Bowl, in which he would propose to his girlfriend. How much would he need? $2.5 million. Five weeks later he had $45,000. In six weeks it was over $70,000. By the time he had $75,000, all Super Bowl ad time was sold out. Out of luck, “JP” announced plans to donate the money to a children’s hospital. But so far, he hasn’t—he’s still hoping to find a sponsor. Will he? Stay tuned.

  WHO: Phil Hodson of Manchester, England

  PROPOSED
TO: Katie Thornton

  HOW: By human lettering. Hodson and Thornton were childhood sweethearts. In 2006, he took her on a helicopter flight to celebrate their ten years together. The flight took them over Saddle-worth School, where they had met as teens. As they flew over the school, Katie looked down and saw 200 students standing in the sports field in the shape of the letters M-A-R-R-Y M-E. “I saw the words, turned around and Phil was on bended knee with a ring,” Katie said. “I burst into tears.” Of course, she said “yes.” And then the helicopter crashed. (We’re kidding.)

  WHO: Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor of Nakuru, Kenya

  PROPOSED TO: Chelsea Clinton

  HOW: By offering President Clinton farm animals. In 2000 the Clintons traveled to Kenya. In anticipation of the visit, Chepkurgor wrote them a letter, asking for Chelsea’s hand in marriage. He offered 20 cows and 40 goats for a dowry. Did he get his wish? No. But he did get a visit from National Security agents, who asked a lot of questions and did background checks on him, his family, and his friends. “Had I succeeded in wooing Chelsea,” said a disappointed Chepkurgor, “I would have had a grand wedding. I would have invited Archbishop Desmond Tutu to preside at the ceremony.” He’s still awaiting word from the Clintons.

  What do Bgug, Bra, and Rayon have in common? They’re all types of cheese.

  OH NO! IT’S JELL-O!

  Wonderful Jell-O! Versatile, beloved standby of American cooking. Now behold the dark side in these forgotten (but real) Jell-O recipes from the 1950s and ’60s.

  Chicken Mousse.

  Bouillon cubes are dissolved in lemon Jell-O (while it’s still hot liquid), then added into a mixture of Cool Whip, mayonnaise, chicken, celery, and pimento. Then it coagulates.

  Soufflé salad. Partially hardened Jell-O is whipped and mixed with vegetables and beef—perfect for when you don’t have time to eat dinner and dessert separately.

  Artichoke Salad. Throwing artichokes into lime Jell-O will not get kids to eat them.

  Sequin Salad. It won’t work with cauliflower, either.

  Horseradish Relish. For those who prefer their gelatin spicy, this dish combines lemon Jell-O with green peppers, pimentos, and a half cup of horseradish.

  Summer salad. Tomato, celery, cucumber, green pepper, and radishes, seasoned with a dash of oregano, floating in a mold of lemon Jell-O, flipped onto a plate of lettuce.

  Florida Seacoast Salad. Grapefruit, cheese, avocado, shrimp, and lemon Jell-O, together at last.

  Barbecue Jell-O. Combine a bottle of barbecue sauce (any brand) with Jell-O (any flavor). Chill, cut into cubes, and serve on salad like croutons.

  Spanish Tuna Salad. It’s unclear what’s particularly Spanish about lemon Jell-O mixed with vinegar and tuna.

  Olive Relish. Eat your greens: lime Jell-O stuffed with olives, sweet pickles, and celery, served in slices.

  Shrimp Salad Surprise. Shrimp, garlic, onion, and sour cream in orange Jell-O, smothered in Italian dressing. Cut carefully into squares to ensure everybody gets some shrimp.

  Deviled Jell-O Eggs. Pour Jell-O into egg-shaped molds, then halve them and fill with deviled egg mixture.

  Green Sardine Cupcakes. Chopped sardines are suspended in tiny, individual “cakes” of lime Jell-O.

  A timbromaniac is someone obsessed with postage stamps.

  WEIRD ROMANIA

  We have no idea why, but an unusually high amount of bizarre stuff seems to go down in this eastern European nation.

  DOG DAYS

  In 2003 officials at the Otopeni Airport in Bucharest opened the animal-transport area of a plane that had just arrived from Frankfurt, Germany. Inside, they discovered a dog that had apparently died during the journey. Certain the owner would sue, officials scoured local animal shelters until they found a dog that looked exactly like the dead one. When the dead dog’s owner was given the live dog, she was stunned—her dog was already dead when she’d put it on the plane. She’d wanted to bury it in Romania. Happy ending: The woman adopted the new dog.

  THEIR PRAYERS WERE ANSWERED

  In March 2002, a fire broke out on the roof of a monastery in Parepa. The monks residing there evacuated the building while the fire burned for about 10 minutes. When the monks no longer saw flames on the roof, they went up to assess the damage…and found no trace of fire.

  A ROPE OF SAND

  Victor Dodoi of Botosani tried to commit suicide by hanging himself. He put a noose around his neck and tied the other end of the rope to a light fixture in his living room. Under the weight of Dodoi’s body, the light broke off and sent him crashing to the floor, alive. Dodoi is reportedly suing the rope manufacturer for making faulty merchandise.

  OH, DEER

  Romanian Gheorghe Paschu, 72, estimates he’s been hit by cars more than 40 times—on purpose. Despite suffering multiple concussions and countless broken bones, Paschu says he just can’t help himself. “I just can’t resist jumping out into the middle of the road when I see a car coming,” he said. Apparently he was telling the truth—Paschu continued his “hobby” even after insurance companies refused to pay for his crash-related medical bills.

  There are rocks on Mars named Scooby-Doo, Yogi Bear, and Gumby.

  DON’T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT YOUR HOME

  Gheorghe Lascarache of Roman City went to a neighboring town one day in 2003 to look for work. When he came home later that day, his house was gone. While he was out, four thieves had stolen his house, brick by brick. (Police discovered the plot when one of the thieves was caught selling a quarter of the bricks for $2,000.)

  FROGS VS. HITLER

  A Romanian TV station that runs Discovery Channel shows was inundated by complaints from viewers in 2004 when it ran six documentaries (including films about World War II, ancient Egypt, and submarines) that were all broadcast with the same subtitles…from a show about frogs.

  THUS PROVING THE FORTUNE-TELLER CORRECT

  In 2002 a fortune-teller told 51-year-old Mircea Teodarescu that either he or his son would die before the week was over. Unwilling to leave it to chance, Teodarescu went home and slit his own throat, fulfilling the prophecy and allowing his son to live.

  WITCHY WOMAN

  Basile Birsan, 72, of Roznov hired a witch in 2003 through a newspaper classified ad. Birsan paid her $400 to cure his sick wife and get his 40-year-old son to marry. After a few months, the witch’s spells had failed to make any difference on Birsan’s wife or son, so he called the police. To avoid arrest, the “witch” agreed to a full refund.

  DON’T BANK ON IT

  Late one night in 2006, a trio of criminals broke into the Nova Bank in Constanta by forcing the main doors open. They got away with…nothing. The robbers didn’t know that the bank had been closed and moved to a new location. Angry that there was no money to steal, the criminals wanted to at least take something for their trouble, but tried—unsuccessfully—to steal the heating pipes off the wall.

  Mallard ducks have 360-degree vision.

  NO, THAT WASN’T ME

  While she was really at the Mamaia Beach on the Black Sea, Lucica Dragomirescu phoned her husband Victor and told him she was sick and couldn’t leave her bed. Victor told Lucica that he was stuck at his parents’ house doing renovations, but he was lying, too—he was also at Mamaia Beach. The Dragomirescus both hung up, then looked up…and saw each other on the beach. The couple later divorced.

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  ANIMALS IN THE NEWS

  • It’s a Smell World: In an average month, trains operated by the West Japan Railway Company strike and kill 10 deer that wander onto railroad tracks. In 2003 the railroad decided to test a new kind of deer repellent on the rails—lion poop. Lions and deer are natural enemies, the thinking went, so the smell of the predator would keep the deer away. In August 2003, the railroad scrapped the experiment, not because it didn’t work, but because it worked too well—the poop kept the deer away, but it smelled so bad that it kept everything else away too, including local residents. “The track really did stink,�
� says railroad spokesperson Toshihiko Iwata. “We’re experimenting with more environmentally friendly methods now.”

  • Revenge: A wildlife officer in Saskatchewan was attempting to shoot a moose—when he shot a fellow officer instead. The officer was trying to “mercy kill” the wounded animal when the shot from his shotgun missed, hit a tree, and ricocheted into the other officer’s leg. The officer was treated at a local hospital.

  • Whale of a Vacation: In the summer of 2003 the Johnson family of Coventry, England, took a 10-day sailing vacation in Australia. But their trip came to a sudden end when a 10-ton humpback whale leapt out of the water and onto their 40-foot sailboat, damaging the rigging and pulling down the mast. “It’s amazing no one was hurt or killed,” 61-year-old Trevor Johnson told reporters. Total cost of chartering the boat: $238,000. (No word on whether the Johnsons got a refund.)

  Elaine Davidson of Edinburgh, Scotland, has a world-record 720 body piercings.

  UH-OH, WHAT’S THAT

  IN THE FREEZER?

  Think about this next time you’re wondering how much of a tip to leave.

  THIS GUINEA PIGGY WENT WHERE?

  In December 2005, a health inspector was examining the contents of a freezer in the La Sabrosa restaurant in DeKalb County, Georgia. He found a dead guinea pig in it. The restaurant’s owner said it was his, and insisted that the rodent wasn’t intended to be a menu item…he was going to eat it himself. Even stranger, the restaurant received a score of 87 out of 100 for the inspection, up from the 79 it got the previous year (when it didn’t have any guinea pigs in the freezer).