Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Plunges into History Read online

  khaki

  It was during this conflict that the British army adopted khaki as the proper color for active-service uniforms. The name for this greenish shade of brown comes from the Urdu word for dust or dustcolored and was adopted in English in the mid-1800s by British troops serving in India. But it was not generally used until the Boer War, during which “khaki” also was a slang name for a volunteer. That usage has died out, but the color and its name survive, not only in British and American soldiers’ summer uniforms (also called khakis), but in all kinds of nonmilitary clothing.

  washout

  A term that came from the British rifle range during this period was washout. If a shot landed completely wide of the target, it was called a washout, because on old iron targets the space they landed on was covered with some kind of paint or “wash.” At first, washout simply meant a bad shot, but it soon was broadened to mean any kind of failure, and it’s still used that way.

  concentration camps

  In time both the Transvaal and Orange Free State were occupied by the British. Their commander-in-chief, F. S. Roberts, then returned to England and left the final mopping-up to his assistant, Horatio Kitchener. To counter the Boers’ strong guerrilla resistance, Kitchener decided to move systematically through Boer territory and round up not only enemy soldiers but also their wives and children. All captives were thrown into improvised concentration camps—the first use of this term (although probably not of the practice). There, under appalling living conditions, many of them died from disease.

  Canadian Prime Minister Lester Pearson was asked to play for Britain’s Olympic hockey team.

  apartheid

  After more than a year the Boers surrendered, and in 1902 a peace treaty was signed that encouraged self-government within the British Commonwealth. In 1910, the Union of South Africa was formed, but for much of the remainder of the 20th century the legacy of the Boer War survived in tensions between Boer and Britisher. Once in control of the government, the Boers enacted a rigid policy of segregation against all nonwhites. The name of the policy, apartheid, also has entered our language, where it refers to any practice that separates people on the basis of race or caste.

  Christine Ammer’s book, Fighting Words, explores the

  linguistic legacy of armed conflicts over the centuries,

  from biblical times to the present.

  MORE FALLOUT FROM COLONIALISM

  The English language gained more than just military terms when the British took India. Calico, a type of cotton cloth, is named for the Indian city of Calicut. Cashmere, a soft fabric made from the hair of a certain kind of goat, came from the Indian province of Kashmir. Pariah, meaning a social outcast, comes from the Tamil word “paraiyan,” the low social caste who played the traditional drum (the “parai”) at festivals. And curry, a spiced stew or sauce, comes from the Tamil “kari” which means much the same.

  Ho Chi Minh based the opening of Vietnam’s Declaration of Independence on America’s.

  I LOVE A CRUSADE

  * * *

  The era of the Crusades lasted from 1095 to 1291; that’s almost 200 years of holy war. Here are some highlights from the first—an unofficial, misbegotten venture also known as the “People’s Crusade.”

  THE GUY WHO STARTED IT

  When Odo de Lagery—Pope Urban II to you—spoke to a church council in France in November 1095, he delivered what may have been the single most effective speech in all of human history. According to His Holiness, the infidel Turks who occupied the Holy Land were defiling the Christian holy places and molesting Christian pilgrims. He called for a holy war to recapture these lands for Christendom.

  HEY, DID YOU BRING THE MAP?

  The average Joe had a swift and feverish reaction. Before the French knights and princes could gather their forces, peasant mobs from cities all over France set out in the general direction of Jerusalem. Poorly armed and poorly trained, they knew nothing about fighting Turks, and even less about the geography of Asia Minor. They believed they could overcome the infidels by faith alone. So began the first campaign to win the Holy Land—the People’s Crusade.

  THE PEOPLE’S CHOICE

  About 100,000 souls, ragtag armies of men, women, and children, were led by popular preachers such as Peter the Hermit. Peter was a kind of Gandhi figure, a small, ugly man who walked barefoot and cared nothing for possessions. His zealous followers sang the latest hymns from the Holy Hit Parade as they marched along. Each of them wore an X-shaped strip of cloth on one shoulder in memory of the heavy cross that Christ carried to Calvary.

  THOSE DARN CRUSADERS

  The first big battle of the Crusades was fought not in the Holy Land, but in Hungary, against fellow Christians. It seems that some Crusaders felt entitled to all the Hungarian crops and sundries they could lay their hands on. So began a pitched battle with the Hungarians, who had only recently been converted to Christianity by St. Stephen. About 4,000 Hungarians were killed to the Crusaders’ 100 or so.

  Although Frederick the Great doubled Germany’s territory, he spoke German poorly.

  BACK TO YOU, PETER

  Meanwhile, Peter was having the same trouble. In a battle against fellow Christians from the Byzantine army, over 10,000 of Peter’s people were killed or captured. Just as he was beginning to think that maybe this Crusade wasn’t such a good idea, things took a temporary turn for the better. When his army finally arrived at the gates of Constantinople on August 1, 1096, Peter managed to make peace with the Byzantine emperor himself. The emperor took one look at Peter’s sorry-looking troops and told him to wait for the real army—the gentlemen knights and princes—to show up. But would Peter listen? As if.

  A MAJOR DISASTER IN ASIA MINOR

  Peter appointed a deputy to lead his army into enemy territory and very wisely waited behind in Constantinople. With banners flying and trumpets blaring, the Crusaders marched on the well-fortified and well-defended Turkish fortress of Nicaea. By coincidence, the Turks had decided on that very day to attack the Christians. And when they left their fortress, what did they see, marching toward them like lambs to the slaughter?

  A (SORT OF) HAPPY ENDING

  After the first Turkish assault, the Christian army panicked and ran for their lives. Three thousand Crusaders escaped and hid out in an ancient seaside fortress. The Turks followed and attacked, killing most of them. They would have finished the job if that nice Byzantine emperor hadn’t ordered part of his fleet to go to their rescue. So Peter’s followers weren’t completely wiped out, but they were defeated. And with that, the disaster known as the “People’s Crusade” was finally over.

  APOCALYPSE 968

  As the year 1000 loomed, Christendom got nervous that the world would end. In 968, when Holy Roman Emperor Otto I sent troops against the Saracens of Calabria, a solar eclipse sent his soldiers diving headfirst into barrels and under carts in abject fear. They were sure it was a sign from heaven. Or perhaps the other place.

  There really was a King Macbeth. He ruled Scotland from 1040 to 1057.

  WITHOUT A LEG TO STAND ON

  * * *

  Mexican leader Santa Anna was the world’s greatest comeback king. He had more than his share of ups and downs, but his leg—the real star of this story—had a life of its own.

  Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna was president of Mexico in the early 19th century. Actually, he was president more than once. Actually, he was president 11 times between 1833 and 1855. He was even dictator for a while. Between most of his presidencies, he was the most despised man in Mexico.

  REMEMBER THE ALAMO?

  Yes, we mean that Santa Anna, the one who led the charge on the Alamo and took no prisoners. Back then, Texas wasn’t a U.S. state—it was still part of Mexico. In 1836, partly because Santa Anna had abolished the Mexican constitution, the citizens of Texas declared their independence. So General Santa Anna led his sizeable army across the Rio Grande, where he met with surprising resistance from a tiny contingent of Texas s
oldiers at the Alamo, an old Spanish mission. The general took the Alamo and massacred everyone in sight, so he probably deserved what happened to his leg—both the real one and the fake one.

  EL PRESIDENTE

  The first time Santa Anna was elected president of Mexico, he didn’t even bother—ho-hum—to attend his own inauguration. He left the work of running the government to his vice-president, but when nobody liked the vice-president’s reforms, Santa Anna and a group of conspirators pulled off a coup against his own government. Santa Anna took power again, this time, as supreme dictator of Mexico, a position he held from 1834–1836.

  SIESTA TIME

  Being supreme dictator gave Santa Anna supreme confidence, so during an ensuing battle at San Jacinto, he decided to take a siesta without bothering to post guards. This pretty much guaranteed a victory to Texas hero Sam Houston and his troops (whose war cry, by the way, was “Remember the Alamo!”). Santa Anna was taken prisoner and delivered to President Andrew Jackson in Washington, where he signed a treaty agreeing to independence for Texas. But when Santa Anna went back home, Mexico repudiated the treaty he’d signed. Santa Anna was branded a traitor and fell into disgrace. But only for a while.

  Catherine the Great died from a stroke she suffered while sitting on the toilet.

  THE FRENCH PASTRY WAR

  His next big chance to regain the favor of his people came in 1838, when a French baker in Mexico City sued the Mexican government for damages, claiming that some Mexican soldiers had looted his shop. This small incident led to the “Pastry War,” in which Mexico took on the French army. They needed a general, so guess who was elected?

  ENTER THE LEG

  Santa Anna was only too happy to lead his troops against the French. At Vera Cruz, the general was so badly wounded that his leg had to be amputated from the knee down. Santa Anna milked this wound for every last drop of good press he could squeeze. He organized ceremonies, speeches, and even held a hero’s funeral for the severed limb. The leg was buried with high military honors.

  FIESTA TIME

  Now sporting an artificial leg made out of cork and covered in leather, Santa Anna became president again. But he gave so many parties—mostly in honor of himself—and spent so much money outfitting his own private army that by 1842, he’d run through every peso in the Mexican treasury. He couldn’t pay his troops, so they rose up against him. El Presidente headed for the hills—so far into the hills, in fact, that the Mexican people couldn’t find him.

  ATTACK . . . ON THE LEG

  Since they couldn’t take out their frustration on Santa Anna himself, they dug up his leg and tossed it around, then finally chopped it up into little pieces and scattered it to the four winds.

  GOOD RIDDANCE!

  When the Mexican government caught up with Santa Anna a couple of years later, the country was still peeved enough to exile him to Cuba. In 1846, when the Mexican-American War was about to break out, Santa Anna sensed an opportunity for another comeback. He wrote to U.S. president James Polk, promising to settle things without any further bloodshed. Polk fell for it. And as soon as Santa Anna hit Mexico, he went back on his promise. The general was back in business.

  The longest serving monarch ever was Pepi II, who ruled Egypt for 90 years.

  ON THE FRONT LINES

  The war was underway. U.S. federal forces led by Captain Robert E. Lee (yes, the same Robert E. Lee who led Confederate forces in the Civil War) were closing in on Santa Anna. While they attacked the Mexican defense from the front, a volunteer force from the state of Illinois circled around to strike from behind.

  SANTA ANNA LOSES HIS LEG—AGAIN

  Meanwhile, Santa Anna was kicking back. He’d taken off his artificial leg and was about to enjoy a roast chicken dinner when the Illinois Volunteers came charging out of the woods, shouting and shooting. A Mexican cavalry soldier picked up the general and carried him to safety. But in his rush to get away, Santa Anna left his cork leg behind. The Illinois Volunteers ate the chicken and took the leg home as a war souvenir.

  “THE LEG I LEFT BEHIND ME”

  The American troops made up a song about Santa Anna’s leg. (The words can be found among documents at the University of Kansas.) It goes to the tune of “The Girl I Left Behind Me.” Here are a couple of verses:

  I am stumpless quite since from the shot

  Should Gen. Taylor of my track get scent,

  Of Cerro Gordo peggin’,

  Or Gen. Scott beat up my quarters,

  I left behind, to pay Gen. Scott,

  I may as well just be content

  My grub, and gave my leg in.

  To go across the waters.

  I dare not turn to view the place

  But should that my fortune be,

  Lest Yankee foes should find me,

  Fate has not quite resigned me

  And mocking shake before my face

  For in the museum I will see

  The Leg I Left Behind Me.

  The Leg I Left Behind Me.

  THE REST OF SANTA ANNA

  Santa Anna was given one more chance to rule Mexico, this time as military dictator. But after he sold some property to the American government—30,000 square miles, now part of southern Arizona and New Mexico—a furious group of Mexican politicians drove him out of office and into exile again. He kept trying to get back into Mexico, but it wasn’t until 1874, when he was considered too old to cause trouble, that he was allowed to return. He immediately demanded a government pension for his past services to the nation. The pension was refused, and Santa Anna died at the age of 84—poor, nearly blind, and still one-legged.

  Louis XIV of France was an avid ballet dancer in his youth.

  WHERE IS SANTA ANNA’S LEG?

  The wooden leg would seem to be a very valuable commodity. At various times, the Mexican government, Santa Anna himself, and the state of Texas tried to get it back from Illinois. In 1942, the leg became a political issue in the United States. Chicago Democrats introduced a bill to return it as a sign of friendship to Mexico. Republicans refused, insisting that “the Democrats don’t have a leg to stand on.” You can see the famous leg—if you want to—today in the Illinois State Military Museum’s collection at Camp Lincoln, in Springfield, Illinois.

  STAIRWAYS TO HEAVEN

  Santa Anna had some bad luck, but you shouldn’t have to. Get the facts on walking under ladders. From Egyptian times, ladders were used to help spirits climb to heaven. Walking under a ladder might disturb and anger a spirit who was using it. In the Middle Ages, walking under a ladder was unlucky because leaning a ladder against a wall formed a triangle. This symbol of the divine trinity, Father Son and Holy Ghost, was broken when someone walked through it. But there was another powerful reason for staying away from ladders. Before gallows were invented, criminals were hung from the top rungs of ladders, and their angry ghosts might still be “hanging around.” Not to worry. If you fear bad luck while walking under a ladder, the historic solution is to spit three times through the rungs. This probably disgusts the evil spirits into leaving you alone.

  The United Kingdom originally offered Kenya to the Zionists as a Jewish homeland.

  7 WONDERS OF THE ANCIENT WORLD

  * * *

  We were wondering what was so wonderful about the ancient wonders of the world, so we did a little excavating. Here are the wonders, presented in order of appearance.

  1. THE GREAT PYRAMID AT GIZA

  Where: The greater metropolitan area of Cairo, Egypt

  Who Built It and Why: Pharaoh Khufu built it for his tomb.

  When: Around 2500 B.C.

  Particulars: The oldest of the seven ancient wonders and the only one still standing. Each of the pyramid’s four sides is perfectly oriented to north, south, east, and west. Its base covers 13 acres. The Great Pyramid was the tallest structure on earth for more than 4,000 years, topped by the Cologne Cathedral in 1880 (515 feet), the Washington Monument in 1884 (550 feet) and then the Eiffel Tower in 1889
(986 feet).

  What’s Left: Originally 481 feet high, time and nature have worn the pyramid down to about 450 feet. It’s still one of the most popular tourist attractions in the world.

  2. THE HANGING GARDENS OF BABYLON

  Where: Ancient Babylon, near present-day Baghdad, Iraq

  Who Built It and Why: Babylon was very flat, so King Nebuchadnezzar built it for his wife, Amyitis, who was homesick for the mountains of her native land.