Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader Read online

  THE DEAL

  The ABA was down to just six teams by this point (the NBA had 18), but the bigger league wanted only four of them—the Denver Rockets (later the Nuggets), the Indiana Pacers, the New York (later New Jersey) Nets, and the San Antonio Spurs. The two they didn’t want: the Kentucky Colonels and the Spirits. Luckily, that didn’t leave the Silnas and the Colonels’ owners John Y. Brown powerless: For the merger to go through, every owner had to agree with whatever deal was hammered out. The NBA dealt with the Colonels by offering them a $3.3 million “buyout”—and they took it. They offered the same to the Silnas…but they declined. They had other ideas.

  China is the world’s leading exporter of artificial Christmas trees.

  On top of the $3.3 million, the Silnas, along with their bulldog of an attorney, Donald Schupak, demanded one-seventh of future television revenues generated by the four former ABA teams. At the time, television revenues for pro basketball games were relatively miniscule—the league had terrible ratings compared to pro baseball and football. So the NBA, after negotiating the lump-sum payment down to $2.2 million, agreed. It was a mistake that they regret to this day.

  SPIRITS IN THE MATERIAL WORLD

  For the first few years, the Silnas made less than $100,000 per year from the TV deal. That’s not bad for doing nothing, but it was about to get a lot better. The legendary rivalry between Larry Bird’s Boston Celtics and Magic Johnson’s Los Angeles Lakers, starting in 1980, fueled a huge growth in the NBA’s popularity—and in TV revenues. By 1982 the Silnas were making almost $200,000 a year. The league offered the brothers $5 million to buy out their contract. They said they’d take $8 million, but the NBA refused—which was probably a dumber move than when it made the original deal. In 1984 Michael Jordan entered the league; by 1988 the Silnas were getting nearly $1 million a year. In 1992 the league offered them $18 million to end the contract. No way. By 1994 their earnings were up to around $4 million annually. And it gets still better.

  SLAM DUNK

  Business experts have called the Silna brothers’ 1976 contract possibly the best in history—and not just in sports, but in all business. And the most significant clause in it: “The right to receive such revenues shall continue for as long as the NBA or its successors continue in its existence.”

  As of 2008, the former owners of the former team known as the Spirits of St. Louis have raked in about $180 million in total. Over the next eight years, based on the NBA’s latest contracts with ABC, TNT, and ESPN, they’ll be getting around $130 million more. That’ll bring their total up to more than $320 million…for an initial investment of about $5 million. “I would have loved to have an NBA team,” says 73-year-old Ozzie Silna. “But if I look at it retrospectively over what I would have gotten, versus what I’ve received now—then I’m a happy camper.”

  World’s longest unmilitarized international border: Canada and the U.S. (5,525 miles).

  HISTORY’S LAST STANDS

  What happens when a few brave warriors refuse to quit, even when the cause seems lost? Victory…or doom.

  THE BATTLE OF THERMOPYLAE

  Defenders: 2,300 Greeks

  Background: In 480 B.C. Persia’s King Xerxes I sought to add Greece to his already enormous empire and invaded with an army of 80,000 soldiers. In a rare display of unity (and out of desperation), several Greek city-states banded together to stop them. Led by King Leonidas of Sparta, an initial force of about 5,000 soldiers awaited the Persians at a narrow mountain pass near the northern town of Thermopylae. Xerxes was informed of the size of the Greek army and sent a message to them: Surrender your weapons and you will live. Leonidas replied, “Come and get them.” Xerxes sent thousands of soldiers into the pass. They were repelled and suffered heavy losses. He sent thousands more; they were stopped again. This went on repeatedly for two days…at which point a Greek local told Xerxes about another pass—one that would allow the Persians to encircle their outnumbered foes.

  The Stand: When the Greeks learned of the betrayal, Leonidas ordered most of his army to retreat and gather more forces for a battle farther south. He, his 300 best Spartan fighters, and about 2,000 other Greeks remained to hold off the Persians long enough to give the retreating army time to escape. Attacked by the main force from the pass—and now by 10,000 more from the rear—the Greeks fought with spear, sword, hands, and teeth until every last one of them was dead, including Leonidas. Xerxes had his head cut off and his body raised on a stake. Despite winning, the Persians lost nearly 20,000 soldiers in the battle. A year later, they were crushed by the Greeks in the Battle of Plataea and the Greco-Persian Wars were over.

  THE BATTLE OF NUMANTIA

  Defenders: 6,000 Celtiberians (ancient Celtic peoples who had settled in Spain)

  Zip code for North Pole, Alaska: 99705.

  Background: In 135 B.C., the Roman senate sent their greatest general, Scipio Africanus, to finish off the Celtiberian tribes in present-day Spain. Scipio decided to avoid fighting the notoriously aggressive Celts and ordered his army of 60,000 to surround their largest town, Numantia, instead. They completely cut off every possible supply route…and waited for the 6,000 people trapped inside the town to surrender.

  The Stand: They waited…and waited…and waited. Six months later the surviving residents of Numantia were living on rats and dead bodies—having resorted to cannibalism—and still refused to give up. After another three months, they opened peace talks: Scipio demanded unconditional surrender, the Celtiberians refused, and most of those remaining killed themselves instead. After nine months, Scipio’s 60,000 soldiers had finally taken a town of 6,000 (which he then ordered completely destroyed).

  THE BATTLE OF EGER

  Defenders: 2,000 Hungarians

  Background: In 1520 Turkish sultan Suleiman the Magnificent sought to expand his Ottoman Empire eastward into Europe. In 1552, after more than 30 years of war and advances, a Turkish force of approximately 80,000 soldiers attacked a castle fortress in the town of Eger, one of the Kingdom of Hungary’s last strongholds. Roughly 2,000 people, including 1,500 soldiers, defended it.

  The Stand: The Turks had more than 150 pieces of artillery, including 15 huge cannons. They fired at the castle from every direction for days, and then for weeks…and couldn’t get inside. They made repeated attempts to storm the castle, shot flaming arrows over the sides, even dug under the walls and planted bombs…and they still couldn’t get inside. Finally, after 39 days, during which roughly a third of the Hungarians inside were killed, the Turks just gave up and left. The Hungarians, outnumbered almost 50 to 1, had won.

  Australia’s tallest mountain, Mt. Kosciuszko, and largest city, Sydney, are both named for men who never visited Australia.

  THE BATTLE OF SZIGETVÁR

  Defenders: 2,300 Croatians and Hungarians

  Background: In 1566 Suleiman the Magnificent was back at it. The now 72-year-old sultan himself led a force of 100,000 men against a fortress in Szigetvár, Hungary. The enormous procession left Constantinople on May 1, 1566, and arrived on August 6.

  The Stand: For a month the Turks attacked; for a month they were repelled. In September they made an offer to the leader of the Croatian defenders, Nikola Zrinski: If he agreed to surrender, they would make him ruler of Croatia. He refused. On September 7 Suleiman died, apparently of natural causes, and the following day the Turks bombarded the fortress until it was almost completely destroyed. Zrinski, now commanding just 600 men, made his last stand against tens of thousands of storming Turks. They fought until only seven Croatian soldiers were left alive, Zrinski not among them. Estimates put the Turkish losses at more than 20,000.

  OTHER NOTABLE LAST STANDS

  The Sicarii: In 72 A.D., in the midst of the First Jewish-Roman War, about 1,000 Jewish extremists known as the Sicarii (“dagger” in Latin) were holed up in the Masada, a massive stone fortress at the top of an isolated plateau. An army of 10,000 Roman soldiers surrounded it and spent nine months building a ramp to the top. Then
they dragged up huge battering rams and slammed the 12-foot-thick walls over and over until they finally breached it. They put on their armor and prepared for battle…but found every man, woman, and child inside dead. The night before they had all committed suicide rather than be taken alive.

  Admiral Yi Sunsin: On October 26, 1597, a Korean force of 13 ships met 133 Japanese warships and 200 more smaller ships in Myeongnyang Strait at the southwest tip of Korea. When the day-long battle was over, Korean admiral Yi Sunsin had masterminded one of the most successful naval stands in history, losing no ships while sinking 31 Japanese ships and damaging 92 more.

  Los Niños Héroes: On September 12, 1847, an American force of 13,000 led by General Winfield Scott attacked Chapultepec Castle in Mexico City in one of the last battles of the Mexican-American War. Near the end of the following day, Mexican General Nicolás Bravo finally ordered retreat, but six military cadets—between 13 and 19 years old—refused. They stayed and faced the American onslaught, going down one by one to rifle fire or bayonet wounds. Legend says the last one wrapped himself in a Mexican flag and threw himself off the castle. Los Niños Héroes—the Boy Heroes—are among Mexico’s most admired historical figures.

  LAUGH LINES

  Where sit-down readers salute stand-up comedians.

  “When people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?”

  —Billy Connolly

  “I love to sleep. It’s the best of both worlds—you get to be alive…and unconscious.”

  —Rita Rudner

  “The sign said, ‘This door to remain closed at all times.’ Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a door?”

  —Danny McCrossan

  “Who invented the brush they leave next to the toilet? That thing hurts!”

  —Andy Andrews

  “Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter if blind people were given pointy sticks?”

  —Adam Bloom

  “I’ve always wanted to give birth…to kittens. It would hurt less, and when you’re done, you’d have kittens!”

  —Betsy Salkind

  “My love life is like a fairy tale. Grimm.”

  —Wendy Liebman

  “I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.”

  —Marcus Brigstocke

  “I wish I could play Little League now. I’d be way better than before.”

  —Mitch Hedberg

  “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

  —George Carlin

  “I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two-to-one odds I wouldn’t make it.”

  —Rodney Dangerfield

  “Fortunately my parents were intelligent, enlightened people. They accepted me for what I was: a punishment from God.”

  —David Steinberg

  “If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.”

  —Steven Wright

  One out of every 200 American 30-year-olds is still in high school.

  BEHIND THE HITS

  Ever wonder what inspired your favorite songs? Here are a few inside stories about some legendary hit tunes.

  The Artist: Elton John

  The Song: “Bennie and the Jets”

  The Story: John’s lyricist Bernie Taupin wrote the song about a fictional glam rock band—it was a satire of the cocaine-fueled excesses of the 1970s music industry. But after recording the song, John and his band thought the song was bland, so producer Gus Dudgeon added in applause, whistles, and handclaps to make it sound more like a “live” performance. Released on John’s 1973 album Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, it wasn’t intended to be a single, but when an R&B station in Detroit surprisingly started playing “Bennie and the Jets,” MCA Records decided to release it. John thought the song was too weird and predicted it would flop. He was wrong—it went to #1 on the pop chart.

  The Artist: The Go-Go’s

  The Song: “Our Lips Are Sealed”

  The Story: In 1980 the British band the Specials asked the Go-Go’s, who had not yet made a record and were still basically unknowns, to be the opening act on their American tour. Specials singer Terry Hall and Go-Go’s guitarist Jane Wiedlin struck up a romance on the road, but a few weeks after the tour ended, Hall sent Wiedlin a “dear John” note explaining that they had to break up because he had a girlfriend back in England. Wiedlin turned the letter into the bouncy pop song, “Our Lips Are Sealed,” which became the Go-Go’s first single and first hit in 1981, reaching the Billboard Top 20. (Hall got a co-writing credit.)

  The Artist: AC/DC

  The Song: “You Shook Me All Night Long”

  The Story: AC/DC was one of the most popular hard rock bands of the late 1970s. In 1980 lead singer Bon Scott died of alcohol poisoning and the band, as well as its fans, didn’t think it should—or could—continue. But they had an album’s worth of songs already written when Scott died, so they went into the recording studio to record them with a new singer, Brian Johnson. One day while they were working on the new album, Johnson was staring out the window watching cars go by and had a thought that cars and women were similar. “They go fast and then they let you down,” he said. He immediately came up with the line “She was a fast machine/She kept her motor clean” and then wrote “You Shook Me All Night Long,” which became AC/DC’s first pop hit in the United States. Not only was the band able to carry on without Scott, it was more successful than ever. The album, Back in Black, sold 42 million copies worldwide.

  Since 1990 the average length of a wedding engagement has grown from 11 months to 16 months.

  The Artist: Tracy Chapman

  The Song: “Give Me One Reason”

  The Story: The singer was discovered in a Boston coffeehouse in 1988, and her first single “Fast Car,” a melancholy acoustic-guitar driven folk song, went to #5 on the chart. Chapman won the Grammy for Best New Artist but had no more hit singles. Then in late 1995, she quietly released her album New Beginnings. It included an old-fashioned acoustic blues song she’d written called “Give Me One Reason,” which she had been playing live in clubs for years. Despite the fact that the dominant musical styles of the day were alternative rock and gangsta rap, and Chapman was considered a has-been, the song went to #3 on Billboard, making it an even bigger hit than “Fast Car.”

  The Artist: Marty Robbins

  The Song: “El Paso”

  The Story: In 1959 Robbins, a country music star, recorded an album of cowboy songs called Gunfighter Ballads and Trail Songs, inspired by stories he’d heard as a child from his grandfather Bob Heckle, who had been a Texas Ranger. The standout song was “El Paso,” a first-person story of a cowboy who falls in love with a Mexican dancer, kills his romantic rival, goes back for the girl, gets shot, and dies in her arms. Columbia Records refused to release it as a single—at five minutes long, it was nearly twice as long as the average hit song. But Gunfighter Ballads was selling briskly and radio stations were playing “El Paso.” Columbia relented and made it a single, and it went to #1 on both the pop and country charts.

  Only 35% of blind people were born blind.

  CITY OF SUPERLATIVES

  The Big Apple isn’t the only big-city nickname. For instance, there’s…

  • Chicago, the City of Big Shoulders: You may know it as the “Windy City” (which refers to blustery politicians, not the weather), but it’s also called the “City of Big Shoulders,” taken from a line in Carl Sandburg’s 1916 poem “Chicago.”

  • Seattle, the Emerald City: This was the winning entry in a 1982 contest held by the Seattle-King County Convention and Visitors Bureau.

  • Charlotte, the Queen City: Settlers named the North Carolina city after the wife of King George III of England, Queen Charlotte.

  • Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love: A reflection of the state of Pennsylvania’s founding b
y the peaceful religious sect known as the Quakers, Philadelphia in Greek translates literally to “city of brotherly love.”

  • Rochester, New York, the Flour City: Flour milling was the biggest industry in the city in the late 19th century.

  • Milwaukee, the Cream City: It has nothing to do with the dairy industry for which the rest of the state is famous. Red lacustrine clay is found in nearby lakes, and when it’s fired, it turns from red to cream-colored. Since the late 1800s, these cream-colored bricks have been a popular building material in the Milwaukee area.

  • Houston, the Magnolia City: First coined in the 1870s. Parts of the city occupy what used to be large forests of magnolia trees.

  • New Orleans, the Big Easy: There are two versions of the origin, both from the early 1900s. Theory #1: Musicians called it “the Big Easy” because it was so easy to find work in one of the city’s many nightclubs. Theory #2: There were too few cops in New Orleans to enforce Prohibition, so there were a lot of illegal bars—so many that the city earned the nickname the “Big Speakeasy,” or the “Big Easy,” for short.