Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy Read online

  STATUS UPDATE

  In 2009, when Sir John Sawyer was appointed head of MI6, the British government’s spy agency, his wife, Shelley, posted the good news on her Facebook page. Unfortunately, Mrs. Sawyer hadn’t enabled any of the social networking site’s privacy features, meaning that anyone with Internet access could see her page, which contained sensitive information about her and her husband, including where they lived, places they frequently visited, and photos of their children. After the leak was discovered, Mrs. Sawyer hastily made her Facebook page accessible to “friends” only.

  PIC OF THE LITTER

  An English postal worker bought a digital camera on eBay in September 2008 for about $30 U.S. After he’d used it a few times, he looked through the camera’s memory and found, along with his vacation pictures, photographs of terrorist leaders, missiles, rockets, fingerprints, and snapshots of documents detailing a spy computer system that were so revealing that they could have been used to hack into the network. The postal worker contacted the British government, and after he was interrogated for a few hours and released, he was told that he’d accidentally been sold a camera used by an MI6 agent, whose name was never released to the public.

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  Trash for the ages: A glass bottle can take as long as 4,000 years to decompose.

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  MOMMIES…

  How much do they love their daughters? THIS much!

  FAILED. All Caroline McNeal of Huntingdon, Pennsylvania, wanted for her daughter, Brittany, was for her to get ahead…of her classmates. So Caroline, the high-school secretary, used stolen passwords over the course of three years to improve more than 200 of Brittany’s grades and test scores—and even lowered the grades of two of her daughter’s classmates. Brittany would have been the 2008 valedictorian, but a guidance counselor found a 360-point discrepancy in the school’s record of her SAT score. Brittany graduated, though not as valedictorian, and Caroline was convicted of unlawful use of a computer and tampering with public records. She faces seven years in prison and a $15,000 fine.

  STUNNING. LeShawn Fisher of Warr Acres, Oklahoma, insists she was just trying to reason with Bethany Lorenz, her daughter’s cheerleading coach, in Putnam City High School’s parking lot. But despite Fisher’s plea, Lorenz wouldn’t add her daughter to the team. So Fisher yelled, “Look over there!” and when the coach turned her head, Fisher zapped her on the neck with a stun gun set at 100,000 volts. Fisher’s lawyer argued that she wasn’t thinking clearly because she was on pain medication for a back injury. Fisher insists it was her “love of children” that inspired the attack. She was sentenced to five years in prison.

  AWFUL.COM. After her nine-year-old daughter got in a fight with another girl in Hauppauge, New York, in 2009, Margery Tannenbaum was so enraged that she vowed revenge. Tannenbaum, a licensed social worker, posted an ad on Craigslist: “I need a little affection. I am blond and very cute! I’ll be waiting.” The men who responded to Lacethong23-@***.com were actually e-mailing Tannenbaum, who replied to them with the name and phone number of her daughter’s rival. Nearly two dozen men called the little girl’s house before Tannenbaum was arrested and charged with aggravated harassment and endangering the welfare of a child. In addition, she lost her position as “room mother” at her daughter’s elementary school.

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  In 2009 a 10-year-old British girl placed her “moaning” grandmother for sale on eBay for 99¢.

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  …AND DADDIES

  Three tender moments between fathers and sons. Isn’t bonding great?

  WHAT WAS HE INKING? During a backyard barbecue in spring 2009, Eugene Ashley, 24, of Floyd County, Georgia, decided that his three-year-old son needed a tattoo. So Ashley (who had been drinking heavily) fetched his tattoo gun and got to work inking the shoulder of his toddler (who was crying heavily). Neither the boy’s mother nor the Floyd police were amused by Eugene’s antics. “You keep thinking you’ve seen everything,” said the arresting officer, “and then, voilà!” Eugene was charged with child cruelty and lost custody of his son—who now sports a tattoo that reads “Daddy’s Boy.”

  DESIGNATED DODO. A 41-year-old father from Clio, Michigan, was too drunk to drive one night in 2007, so he gave the keys to his 13-year-old son. A patrolman later found them in a park with their pickup truck stuck in the mud. The officer gave the father a breathalyzer test. He failed and was cited for DUI. But then the officer noticed that the boy didn’t look quite right, either…and administered a second test. The son turned out to be just as drunk as the father, and was also charged with a DUI.

  THE BIG LIGUES. In September 2002, 34-year-old William Ligue Jr. and his 15-year-old son, William III, were attending a Kansas City Royals baseball game. Standing 25 feet away from them on the infield was Tom Gamboa, the Royals’ 54-year-old first-base coach. For some reason, the Ligues—both shirtless—jumped the fence and rushed Gamboa during a play. “It felt like a football team hit me from behind,” Gamboa said. “Next thing I knew, I’m on the ground trying to defend myself.” The Ligues pounded the hapless coach until players in the dugout rushed out and broke up the scuffle. Father and son were led away in handcuffs. And to this day, it’s still the proudest moment in young William III’s life (judging from how much he brags about it on his MySpace page). More good news: “I’m expectin’ a little shorty.” Watch out world, here comes William IV!

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  The American Psychiatric Assn. lists four different caffeine-related mental disorders.

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  ELF SCHOOL

  Ah, Iceland! Home of hot springs, fermented cod, hard-to-pronounce names, and…invisible people?

  LITTLE COUNTRY, LITTLE PEOPLE

  Magnus Skarphedinsson believes in fairies—and dwarves, gnomes, pixies, and trolls. Just about anywhere else in the world, he’d be considered a bit crazy. But not in Iceland. In fact, more than half the country’s nearly 300,000 citizens say they also believe in fairies and other mythical creatures. That statistic may seem at odds with the global perception of Iceland as a hip, techno-savvy Nordic country—until you consider that modernization came to Iceland only recently.

  For most of its 1,000-year history, the island was a frigid, isolated outpost of European civilization. Stuck in the Dark Ages long after the rest of the continent had been “enlightened,” Iceland didn’t even have a major city until 200 years ago. And though most Icelanders have embraced the modern world, they continue to cling to the old ways—including, for many, a guarded belief in mythical creatures. Says Olafur Stephensen, former editor of Morgunbladid, Iceland’s principal newspaper, “Many Icelanders say they don’t believe in elves, but often consider it safer to behave as if they might exist. That way they don’t risk offending them.”

  ÁLFASKÓLINN

  That was Skarphedinsson’s thinking in 1991 when he opened an Álfaskólinn, or “Icelandic Elf School,” to educate the world about his country’s unique heritage. A tall, paunchy man in his 50s with short white hair and a well-trimmed beard, Skarphedinsson teaches classes and leads tours to sites where elves or other strange creatures have reportedly been sighted. According to Arni Bjornsson, head of the Ethnology Department at the National Museum of Iceland, Icelandic folklore contains tales of more than 500 supernatural beings.

  Although some scholars come to the Elf School to study Icelandic legends in depth, most students are tourists. For about $60 U.S., you can attend a lecture given by Skarphedinsson and then ride along with him on a tour of local elf sites. You’ll receive a diploma, which states (in Icelandic) that you now know more than most people about Iceland’s “other” inhabitants. To date, more than 9,000 people have graduated from the Elf School.

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  Oxford Dictionary’s 2009 word of the year: “unfriend” to take someone off your Facebook friends list.

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  HIDE AND SEEK

  According to the school’s textbook, Iceland is home to 25 different varieties of elves, gnomes, t
rolls, fairies, and the curiously named huldüfolk, or “Hidden People.” According to the Elf School, the huldüfolk were once human, the descendants of Celtic settlers who were already in Iceland when the Vikings arrived in the 9th century. Rather than be enslaved by the Norse invaders, the huldüfolk slipped away into a shadow world, a sort of parallel universe, where they remain today. According to Skarphedinsson, as many as 20,000 huldüfolk may still exist. A few Icelanders, mainly children, claim to be able to see and talk with them, and report that the huldüfolk look pretty much like us, except for their old-fashioned, traditional clothes. (One branch of the huldüfolk is notable for their blue skin.)

  Although Skarphedinsson himself has never encountered the huldüfolk, he remains a true believer. “I have spoken with over 500 people who say they have seen them,” he says. “Many swear that the huldüfolk cured illnesses and saved their lives.” A trade union leader, Tryggvi Emilsson, insists that when he was a young man, he was saved by a beautiful huldüfolk girl when he fell off a cliff. There are even rare stories of people who fell in love with huldüfolk and vanished with them into the shadow world. These tales have inspired more than a few single women to enroll in Elf School in the hopes of a romantic encounter with a “shadow man.”

  MAINTAINING ELF CONTROL

  For the most part, folklore enthusiasts say, Icelanders got along well with the elves, dwarfs, fairies, gnomes, trolls, and huldüfolk—until humans started building roads, neighborhoods, and Taco Bells in the forests and lava fields where the creatures live. Result: They’ve fought back. Mysterious equipment failures, strange accidents, bizarre illnesses—there have been so many worksite mishaps in recent years that the Icelandic Public Works administration has resorted to some drastic measures. “Our basic approach is not to deny this phenomenon,” explains Birgir Gudmundsson, an engineer with the Iceland Road Authority. “Fortunately, there are people who can negotiate with the elves, and we make use of that.”

  These negotiators are known as “elf-spotters.” Their job: to ensure that the land is clear of the creatures before any work begins. One of the most respected elf-spotters, Erla Stefansdottir, has drawn up several maps charting known locations of Hidden People for Reykjavik’s Planning Department (as well as for the tourist authorities). That’s not all elf-spotters do.

  • Developers building Iceland’s first shopping mall utilized a folklorist’s knowledge to make sure that electrical cables and other underground equipment was placed far away from suspected elf homes.

  • An elf-spotter halted construction of a highway to relocate a boulder called the Graustein, purported to be a dwarf home.

  • When a crew building a golf course outside Reykjavik moved a rock, their bulldozers stopped running and a rash of injuries disabled the workforce. Finally, on the advice of the local elf-spotter (who had already told them the rock was home to some elves), the chief engineer returned the rock to the field and apologized out loud. He swore that his crew would not bother them anymore. The bulldozers started up again, and there were no more accidents. The course was completed on schedule.

  Stories like these make Magnus Skarphedinsson proud. “My mission,” he declares, “is to get the elves and Hidden People the respect they deserve.”

  FOOTNOTE: IT’S MAGIC

  Another curious attraction in Iceland is the Icelandic Phallological Museum in Husavik, more commonly referred to as the “Penis Museum.” The institution’s mission is to catalog and display penises from every mammalian species, living or extinct, native to Iceland—272 specimens, representing 92 species. In between displays of mummified horse and polar bear members sits a small jar filled with murky embalming fluid. It is labeled “Elf’s Penis.” Its contents are, of course, invisible.

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  To graduate from high school, Icelanders must speak 3 languages: Danish, English, and Icelandic.

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  CRAZY WORLD RECORDS

  Uncle John holds the world record for the most pages ever read on the throne (234,815 and counting). Here are some other dubious achievements.

  • Christian Adam of Germany set the distance record for riding a bicycle backward while playing the violin: 37.5 miles. It took him a little more than five hours. He played J. S. Back…er, Bach.

  • For 20 minutes of “every waking hour” for 16 years, Australian Les Stewart spelled out every number from one to one million on his typewriter. He went through seven typewriters and 1,000 ink ribbons. Now he not only owns a world record but a 19,890-page book consisting of every spelled-out number up to one million.

  • On May 6, 2009, Eric “No Class” Matyjasik of Arizona unzipped his pants 162 times in 30 seconds, breaking the old record by 27 zips.

  • Artist Maria Reidelbach built the world’s largest garden gnome in 2006. It stands 13 feet, 6 inches, and lives on a miniature golf course in Kerhonkson, New York. The gnome’s name: Gnome Chomsky, a play on the name of linguist and philosopher Noam Chomsky (who is only about half as tall as Gnome Chomsky).

  • The unofficial world record for staying awake: 18 days, 17 hours, set by Maureen Weston of England while participating in a rocking-chair marathon. Although she hallucinated quite a bit, she says she hasn’t suffered any long-term health effects.

  • An exotic dancer who goes by the name Maxi Mounds is the proud owner of the world’s largest augmented breasts. Each of Mounds’s mounds weighs 20 pounds; her bust measurement is about 60 inches.

  • Naya Ganj of India has the world’s longest ear hair. “Making it into Guinness is special for my family! God has been very kind to me!” said the guy with 5.25 inches of hair growing from his ears.

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  World record for the most people in one place dressed up like Smurfs: 451.

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  THE BIG DUMP CONTINUES

  And other actual headlines ripped from news stories of the recent, strange past.

  Main Street merchants want crack at market

  9-Year-Old Stops Carjacking

  Man shot in head ‘not popular’

  Some 40% of female gas station employees in Metro Detroit are women

  A-Rod goes deep, Wang hurt

  Hotel cancels jihad conference, citing safety reasons

  MPs seek answers on Nutt sacking

  Scientists Find Sand on Sea Floor

  Hippies Face Horror at Weekend B.O.

  Courtney Love Banned From Using Hole

  Federal judge likes sentencing freedom

  How Scientists Are Helping Cook Inlet’s Little White Whales

  Jimmy Carter’s hometown excited over burial plans

  Cop Tasers One-Armed Legless Man—Twice!

  Church Kids Raid Pantys For Food Bank Supplies

  MISSING BABY FOUND IN SANDWICH

  Naked Jacqueline Onassis Photo Found With Warhol’s Junk

  State population to double by 2040; babies to blame

  17 Remain Dead in Morgue Shooting Spree

  MISSIPPI’S LITERACY PROGRAM SHOWS IMPROVEMENT

  Missing wall allows escape from new jail

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  Stool pigeons: A company called Avian Fashions makes diapers for pet birds.

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  POLLY WANTS

  A LAMB CHOP

  The latest in true—and truly strange—news from the world of animals.

  UP, UP, AND MEOW

  In August 2008, a cat in the Chinese city of Chongqing started growing what were described as “bumps” on its sides. They kept growing, and in less than a month they resembled a set of furry wings, each several inches long. (The owner claimed that the cat, a male, grew wings because he was being harassed by too many female cats.) Surprisingly, reports of winged cats have been circulating for at least 150 years. American writer Henry David Thoreau wrote about one that his neighbor had: “This would have been the right kind of cat for me to keep, if I had kept any, for why should not a poet’s cat be winged as well as his horse?” Experts say that the phenomenon might be the result of genetic m
utations, or it might have a simpler cause: poor grooming, which can lead to skin diseases and extremely matted fur.

  PAGING DR. SHARK

  One afternoon in November 2009, tourists at Kelly Tarlton’s Underwater World in Auckland, New Zealand, reported that one of the aquarium’s sharks had just bitten another one in the belly—and that baby sharks were swimming out of the resulting gash. Staff quickly isolated the shark—they didn’t even know she was pregnant—and the babies, along with four more that were still in the mother’s womb. According to staff members, the attacking shark had apparently bitten the pregnant shark in order to help her have the babies—a sort of shark cesarean section. “It had to bite a certain part to let the babies out,” said staffer Fiona Davies, “and do it without killing the babies or the mother.” No other “shark cesarean” had ever been reported, she added, and extensive study would be needed. (She also said that the mother and the babies were doing fine.)

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  The Las Vegas Golden Nugget hotel’s swimming pool encircles an actual shark tank.