Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader Read online

  • To our inhouse writers, John D, Thom, Brian (our robot pirate zombie), and Jumpin’ Jay.

  • To our outhouse team featuring the writing talents of Malcolm and Jahnna, Jolly Jeff, Gideon, Kyle, Jef, Matthew, and to Angie, who keeps finding those amazing running feet (the little facts at the bottom of every page).

  • To our production staff featuring the amazing Amy, whose calm demeanor and editing prowess helped make this book the best ever. To our mystical Julia, who somehow manages to manage it all. To our number-one reliever, Jeff A., copyeditors Sharilyn, Claudia, and Kristen, shipping diva Shobha Grace. And to Michael B., whose covers keep getting better!

  • To Sydney, JoAnn, and the friendly folks at Banta.

  • And last but most, TO YOU! You’re the reason we make these books, and we’ll bring you them with a smile year after year.

  Keep on reading. And as always,

  Go with the Flow!

  Uncle John and the BRI Staff

  P.S. Porter the Wonder Dog says…nothing. (He’s a dog!)

  It’s not a typo: It’s www.bathroomreader.com

  YOU’RE MY INSPIRATION

  It’s always interesting to find out where the architects of pop culture get their ideas. These may surprise you.

  ELVIS PRESLEY. Most of the King’s biographers attribute his singing style to black gospel and country music. But Elvis wanted to reach a wider audience, so he based his early vocal stylings on pop crooner Dean Martin. (For evidence, listen to Elvis’s first recording of “Love Me Tender.”)

  THE MICHELIN MAN. In 1898 André Michelin’s brother reported seeing a stack of tires that strangely resembled a human figure. That inspired Michelin to commission French artist O’Galop to paint a man made of tires. (The first Michelin Man was named Bibendum. He was much fatter than today’s version and smoked a cigar.)

  SHELLEY WINTERS. Born Shirley Schrift, the actress—who starred in more than 70 films, including Lolita (1962) and The Poseidon Adventure (1972)—changed her name when she got to Hollywood in 1943. Her mother’s maiden name was Winter, and she took the first name from her favorite poet, Percy Bysshe Shelley.

  COLUMBIA PICTURES LOGO. In 1993 Columbia hired New Orleans artist Michael Deas to update their logo—a woman in a toga, holding a torch (the original 1924 model was rumored to be actress Evelyn Venable). So who’s the new model? Actress Annette Bening has claimed it’s her…but it’s not. The real model: a 31-year-old Louisiana woman named Jenny Joseph. “When I go to the movies,” she says, “I get my 15 minutes of fame. The kids get a kick out of it.”

  THE OLD MAN AND THE SEA. The title character in Ernest Hemingway’s 1952 novella was inspired by a Cuban fisherman named Gregorio Fuentes. In the 1930s, Hemingway hired Fuentes to watch over his boat, and the two formed a friendship that lasted 30 years. Ironically, Fuentes outlived the author by many years, dying in 2002 at the age of 104. In all those years, he never read The Old Man and the Sea.

  A two-hour movie uses about two miles of film.

  Being on a game show may look easy from the comfort of your living room, but under those hot television lights, contestants’ mouths sometimes disconnect from their brains.

  Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?

  Contestant: Crocodiles.

  —The Weakest Link

  Alex Trebek: If a Japanese isha (doctor) asks you to stick out your shita, he means this.

  Contestant: What is…your behind?

  —Jeopardy!

  Anne Robinson: Who is the only Marx brother that remained silent throughout all their films?

  Contestant: Karl.

  —The Weakest Link

  Todd Newton: Bourbon whiskey is named after Bourbon County, located in what state?

  Contestant: England.

  —Press Your Luck

  The Puzzle: TOM HANKS AS _ORREST GUMP

  Contestant: Tom Hanks as Morris Gump.

  —Wheel of Fortune

  Richard Dawson: Name something a blind man might use.

  Contestant: A sword.

  —Family Feud

  Eamonn Holmes: Name the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.

  Contestant: William Shakespeare?

  —National Lottery Jet Set

  Steve Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it’s not Sydney.

  Contestant: Sydney.

  —Steve Wright Radio Show

  Bob Eubanks: What is your husband’s favorite cuisine?

  Contestant: All in the Family.

  —The Newlywed Game

  Kevin O’Connell: What moos?

  Contestant: A car.

  —Go

  Richard Dawson: Name an occupation whose members must get tired of smiling.

  Contestant: Game show host.

  —Family Feud

  Sean Connery has a tattoo that says “Mum and Dad.”

  RANDOM ORIGINS

  You know what these are…but do you know where they came from?

  HAMSTERS

  The natural habitat of Golden or Syrian hamsters, as the pet variety is known, is limited to one area: the desert outside the city of Aleppo, Syria. (Their name in the local Arabic dialect translates to “saddlebags,” thanks to the pouches in their mouths that they use to store food.) In 1930 a zoologist named Israel Aharoni found a nest containing a female and a litter of 11 babies in the desert and brought them back to his lab at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. The mother died on the trip home; so did seven of her babies. Virtually all of the millions of domesticated Golden hamsters in the world are descended from the four that survived.

  MAIL-ORDER CATALOGS

  In September 1871, a British major named F.B. McCrea founded the Army & Navy Cooperative in London to supply goods to military personnel at the lowest possible price. Its first catalog was issued in February 1872…six months before an American named Aaron Montgomery Ward put his first catalog in the mail.

  ALUMINUM

  The Earth’s crust contains more aluminum than any other metallic element, yet it was not discovered or extracted until the mid-1820s—when it was so expensive to extract that it was actually considered a precious metal. Then, in 1886, two different inventors—Charles Hall, an American, and Paul Héroult, a Frenchman—discovered a process by which aluminum could be extracted much more cheaply using electricity. The Hall-Héroult process reduced the price of aluminum to less than 1% of its previous cost. But it wasn’t until World War I, when German designer Hugo Junkers started building airplanes out of metal instead of the traditional wood and fabric, that aluminum came into its own. Today the world uses more aluminum than any other metal except iron and steel.

  In Hot Springs, Arkansas, it is illegal to gargle in public.

  WHAT WORLD CITY…?

  Some facts to consider before your next vacation.

  Has the most billionaires? Moscow, with 33.

  Has the most people? Tokyo. Population: 34 million.

  Is the most densely populated? Manila, the Philippines, with 108,000 people per square mile.

  Has the most skyscrapers? New York City—it has 47 buildings that are more than 600 feet tall.

  Is the deadliest? Caracas, Venezuela, reportedly has the highest murder rate in the world: 100 per 100,000 people a year.

  Is the highest? Potosí, Bolivia, at an elevation of 13,000 feet. The lowest is Jericho, Israel, at 1,000 feet below sea level.

  Eats out the most? Paris has about 8,000 restaurants—more than any other city.

  Has suffered the most hurricanes? Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands, which has been hit 61 times since 1871.

  Is the oldest? Byblos, Lebanon. It was founded around 5000 B.C. Brasilia, Brazil, founded in 1960, is the world’s youngest major city.

  Has the worst air? According to Guinness World Records, Mexico City has the most air pollution.

  Costs the most? Oslo, Norway, has the highest cost of living.

  Is the most cultured? Amsterdam, the Netherlands, has the mos
t museums per square mile.

  Drinks the most? Per capita, Maun, Botswana, consumes the most alcohol.

  Drives the most? Suva, Fiji, has 668 cars for every 1,000 people.

  Has the most bridges? Hamburg, Germany—more than 2,300.

  Is the most wired? Seoul, South Korea, has the most Internet traffic.

  Is the most “wired”? Wellington, New Zealand. It has the most coffee shops per capita.

  What about pepper? Salt is mentioned more than 30 times in the Bible.

  OOPS!

  Everyone’s amused by tales of outrageous blunders—probably because it’s comforting to know that someone’s screwing up even worse than we are. So go ahead and feel superior for a few minutes.

  STICKIN’ IT TO ’EM

  “One of Britain’s most prestigious art galleries put a block of slate on display, topped by a small piece of wood, in the mistaken belief it was a work of art. The Royal Academy included the chunk of stone and the small bone-shaped wooden stick in its summer exhibition in London. But the slate was actually a plinth—a slab on which a pedestal is placed—and the stick was designed to prop up a sculpture. The sculpture itself—of a human head—was nowhere to be seen. The Academy explained the error by saying the parts were sent to the exhibitors separately. ‘Given their separate submission,’ it said in a statement, ‘the two parts were judged independently. The head was rejected. The base was thought to have merit and was accepted.’”

  —Telegraph (U.K.)

  HOLY WATER

  “People in Pope John Paul II’s hometown of Wadowice, Poland, believed a miracle had happened when water began spouting from the base of a statue of the Pontiff. Word soon spread across the country with pilgrims travelling from all over to the tiny town to fill up bottles with the liquid. But their belief in what they thought was a ‘godly experience’ was shattered by town mayor Eva Filipiak, who admitted the local water council had installed an ordinary water pipe beneath the statue. ‘We didn’t mean anything by it,’ said Filipiak, ‘it was just supposed to make the statue look prettier.’”

  —Ananova

  HITTING THE DUMB-FECTA

  “Roger Loughran, a horse-racing jockey, stood tall and proud in the saddle of Central House at the end of the Paddy Power Dial-A-Bet Chase in December 2005, and waved his whip at the packed grandstand. He was celebrating his first win as a professional jockey. Just for good measure, he swung a looping underarm punch into the air. There was just one problem: they still had 80 meters to run. The 26-year-old had mistaken the end of a running rail for the winning post, and as he eased up on Central House, Hi Cloy and Fota Island galloped past, relegating him to third place. It was an extraordinary, humiliating error, which reduced the crowd to near-silence. Some catcalls followed, but as Loughran returned to the paddock to unsaddle, there was more sympathy than anger.”

  —Buzzle.com

  Hair is the second-fastest growing tissue in the body. The fastest is bone marrow.

  PUT THE METAL TO THE PEDAL

  “A Michigan man destroyed his car after putting his toolbox on the gas pedal. The accident occurred when the man, whose identity was not released, attempted to free his car from a muddy field by placing the toolbox on the accelerator, then getting behind the car to push it free. The man later said he was lost, and when he backed into a field to turn around, the car got stuck in the mud, said Lt. James McDonagh. ‘After several attempts to free the car, the man then placed his toolbox on the accelerator, exited the vehicle, and attempted to push it free,’ McDonagh said. The full-size Mercury sedan then accelerated across a cut soybean field with the man running behind. The car reached an estimated speed of 100 mph and traveled a half-mile, sometimes becoming airborne. The car then struck a tree, crushing it back to the windshield.”

  —Battle Creek Enquirer

  HOP-ALONG

  “An artist who chained his legs together to draw a picture of the image was forced to hop 12 hours through the desert after realizing he lost the key and couldn’t unlock the restraints. Trevor Corneliusien, 26, tightly wrapped and locked a long, thick chain around his bare ankles while camping north of Baker, California. ‘It took him over 12 hours because he had to hop through boulders and sand,’ Deputy Ryan Ford said. Corneliusien finally made it to a gas station and called the sheriff’s department, which sent paramedics and deputies with bolt cutters. His legs were bruised but he was otherwise in good health. And the drawing? ‘He brought it with him,’ Ford said. ‘It was a pretty good depiction of how a chain would look wrapped around your legs.’”

  —Breitbart.com

  New York City has 722 miles of subway track.

  WARNING LABELS

  Some things in life should go without saying, but there’s always the occasional genius who needs to be told not to use a vacuum cleaner to pick up something that’s on fire.

  On a bottle of dog shampoo: “Contents should not be fed to fish.”

  On a baking pan: “Ovenware will get hot when used in oven.”

  On a blanket: “Not to be used as protection from a tornado.”

  On a fishing lure with a three-pronged hook: “Harmful if swallowed.”

  On a 12-inch CD rack: “Do not use as a ladder.”

  On a carpenter’s drill: “Not intended for use as a dental drill.”

  On a knife set: “Never try to catch a falling knife.”

  On a package of earplugs: “These earplugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe.”

  On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.”

  On a cocktail napkin with a mini map of Hilton Head, South Carolina: “Not to be used for navigation.”

  On an insect spray: “This product not tested on animals.”

  On a box of birthday candles: “DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.”

  On a child’s scooter: “This product moves when used.”

  Inside a six-inch plastic bag: “Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury or death.”

  On a paint remover that heats up to 1,000°: “Do not use heat gun as a hair dryer.”

  On a shower cap: “Fits one head.”

  On a can of pepper spray: “May irritate eyes.”

  On a toilet: “Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.”

  The shortest complete sentence in the English language: “Go.”

  College: home of higher education, world-class research…and fraternities.

  Students at Northwestern University in Illinois started a new fraternity named Zeta Zeta Zeta, better known by its Greek letters, ZZZ. Members say they are dedicated to “encouraging excellence through sleep,” and are open to both men and women “regardless of race, gender, or sleeping orientation.”

  • Chi Omega, a sorority at Kent State University in Ohio, was placed on probation after the group held a formal dinner-dance where they gave a student an award for being the “blackest member” of the sorority. She was white. The sorority issued an apology, saying it was just a joke.

  • California State University, Chico, began an investigation when someone reported (anonymously) that while watching a pornographic movie they recognized the room in which the “actors” were being filmed: it was the living room of the Phi Kappa Tau fraternity house on campus. Not only that, some of the “actors” were members of the fraternity. Officials at the school announced that all activities at the fraternity—whose motto is “Where Character Counts”—would be suspended.

  • Student body president Mark Morice at Southeastern Louisiana University was arrested after he convinced his fraternity brothers to steal all the copies of the university newspaper before anyone could read it. The paper had an article critical of Morice’s handling of school funds and questioning his ethics.

  • Three Kappa Alpha members at the University of Missouri–Columbia were arrested in 2006 after a fireworks prank resulted in a near-fatal explosion. The tri
o had loaded up a Civil War-era cannon with fireworks, expecting the blast to shoot out the end of the barrel, but instead, the entire cannon blew up. An eight-inch chunk flew across the street and crashed through the roof of an apartment building, finally coming to rest on a Ping-Pong table that was being used by visiting students from China.

  Mercury boils at 674.11°F.

  FOOD ORIGINS

  When Uncle John was a kid, the basic food groups were meat, bread, vegetables, and dairy products. Uncle John always wondered why they left out the other basic food groups: coffee, candy, cold soup, fish sticks, corn dogs, and salad dressing.

  CAPPUCCINO

  In Vienna, a Kapuziner is a cup of espresso with a few drops of cream stirred in. The drink gets its name from the Catholic order of Kapuzin friars, who wore a brown habit or robe that was about the same color as the drink. (In English, the friars are known as Capuchins.) In the late 1800s, Austrian soldiers stationed in northern Italy introduced Kapuziners there; the Italians renamed them cappuccinos. When high-pressure espresso machines were introduced in 1906, the Italians put their own stamp on the drink by making it with steamed, foamy milk, and plenty of it, instead of just a little bit of cream.

  VICHYSSOISE

  Don’t let the French name fool you—this leek-and-potato soup (pronounced vi-she-swaz) is as American as apple pie. Louis Diat, the head chef of New York’s Ritz-Carlton Hotel, came up with this cold soup in 1917 while looking for something to serve to customers in the sweltering heat of New York summers.

  FISH STICKS

  Clarence Birdseye single-handedly invented the frozen-food industry in the late 1920s when he figured out how to freeze food without ruining its flavor, texture, or nutritional value (you have to freeze it quickly). His early machines worked best with food that was cut into slender pieces, and one of the first foods he came up with was a knockoff of a French delicacy called goujonettes de sole: sole fillets baked or fried in bread crumbs and a light batter. Birds-eye switched to cheaper fish (cod), fried it in a heavier batter, and scored a hit: If you had a freezer in the 1930s, more likely than not it contained a box or two of fish sticks.