Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader® Read online

  So, just like the element gold is ever malleable but always full of luster, we plan on shining and increasing in bathroom-reading value for decades to come. Happy reading. And as always...

  Go with the Flow!

  —Uncle John, Felix the Dog, and the BRI Staff

  We’ve been having a lot of fun at our website, www.bathroomreader.com. Check it out.

  YOU’RE MY INSPIRATION

  It’s always interesting to find out where the architects of our culture get their ideas. Some of these may surprise you.

  THE GRINCH. Dr. Seuss’s 1957 book How the Grinch Stole Christmas was illustrated in black and white, but in 1966, when the book was made into a TV special—in color—animator Chuck Jones decided to make the Grinch green. Why? Jones had always loved the “ugly” shade of a green car he’d rented once, but never knew what character to give it to...until the Grinch.

  TWITTER. Jack Dorsey got the idea for a micro-blogging web-site, in part, from listening to “the way cab drivers and dispatchers succinctly convey locations by radio.” He designed Twitter to do the same thing: to convey important information quickly.

  SUE SYLVESTER. The mean high-school cheerleading coach on Fox’s Glee is based on American Idol’s Simon Cowell. Said actress Jane Lynch: “Simon and Sue say the things people wish they could in their jobs or at their school, but can’t.”

  NELSON MANDELA. The South African political leader was born in 1918 as Rolihlahla Mandela. His grade-school teacher couldn’t pronounce his first name, so she called him “Nelson,” after British naval hero Lord Horatio Nelson. The name stuck.

  ANCHORMAN. In 2002 Will Ferrell was watching a documentary about pioneering TV journalist Jessica Savitch, who became the first female newscaster at a Philadelphia station in the early 1970s. When a former coworker described how chauvinistically he and his male colleagues had treated her, Ferrell got the idea to tell Savitch’s story, but from the men’s point of view.

  SHERIFF WOODY. The Toy Story character was named after one of director John Lasseter’s heroes, Woody Strode—the first African American to play in the NFL (LA Rams, 1946), and later an actor in dozens of movies, including The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence (1962) and Spartacus (1960).

  Heads up! It’s not unusual for porcupines to fall out of trees.

  IT WASN’T MY FAULT!

  Real—and really odd—excuses filed on car insurance claim forms.

  “I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.”

  “I thought my window was down but I found it was up when I put my head through it.”

  “The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intention.”

  “To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.”

  “I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.”

  “Going to work at 7:00 this morning I drove out of my driveway straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.”

  “My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.”

  “I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.”

  “I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.”

  “Windshield broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.”

  “I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.”

  “I started to slow down, but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”

  “I bumped into a lamppost which was obscured by human beings.”

  “I knew the dog was possessive about the car, but I would not have asked her to drive it if I thought there was any risk.”

  “First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car, and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.”

  “No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.”

  Since the 1770s, there has been a global flu pandemic about once every 20 years.

  JOLT-ERNATIVES

  The U.S. seems to run on caffeine—90 percent of adults consume it every day. But the demand for an energy boost is so strong that it can now be found in all sorts of unusual products, far beyond coffee and energy drinks.

  Marshmallows. Remember the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man who wreaks havoc on New York City at the end of Ghostbusters? Stay Puft Marshmallows were fictional... until ThinkGeek licensed the name and image to sell mail-order marshmallows. A box of 24 costs $20, but it’s worth it—each piece contains as much caffeine as half a cup of coffee.

  Beef Jerky. Guarana, a caffeine-rich South American fruit that’s been used for centuries, is now a common ingredient in energy drinks like Red Bull and Rockstar. It can also be used as an ingredient in marinade. That’s how Perky Jerky can be beef jerky that’s infused with caffeine. (Also available: Turkey Perky Jerky.)

  Popcorn. Ordinary caramel corn will probably give you energy—it’s loaded with sugar and carbohydrates, after all. Biofuel Caffeinated Popcorn, however, has a caffeine-laced caramel coating. One bag provides as much stimulation as three cups of coffee.

  Bloody Marys. The Bloody Mary is an alcoholic drink—many consider it a “hair of the dog” cure for a hangover. Hot-D Wake Up Juice caffeinated Bloody Mary mix contains tomato juice, hot sauce, and all the other usual ingredients along with a cup of coffee’s worth of caffeine to really help you recover from the night before.

  Breath spray. Available in mint or cinnamon, Primer Energy Breath delivers 33 mg of caffeine in one spray into the mouth. That’s as much as half a cup of coffee, but it doesn’t have to pass through the stomach, so it’s absorbed into the bloodstream immediately.

  Water. Drinking coffee is the most common source of caffeine, but what if you hate the taste? Believe it or not, there’s Water Joe—caffeinated water. The caffeine is flavorless, and one bottle has as much stimulant as a cup of coffee. (Ironically, caffeine dehydrates you, so after you have Water Joe, you’ll probably want to drink some decaf water.)

  Number of footballs made exclusively for use in the Super Bowl every year: 72.

  OBSCURE-O-NYMS

  Caution: Reading the definitions of these obscure words may lead to sophomania.

  Castrophenia: The belief that one’s thoughts are being stolen by enemies.

  Eugonic: Rapid and luxuriant growth, such as bacteria bred in labs (and teenagers).

  Rhytiscopia: A neurotic preoccupation with wrinkles.

  Nyctalopia: An inability to see at night.

  Gyrovagues: Medieval Christian monks who wandered from monastery to monastery, or traveling salesmen and others who go door to door.

  Tegestologist: A collector of beer coasters.

  Limophoitos: Insanity caused by lack of food.

  Ventoseness: A tendency to fart.

  Necromimesis: A morbid state in which the sufferer believes himself to be dead.

  Cumberworld: One so idle as to be a burden on his friends.

  Ozostomia: Evil-smelling breath.

  Maulifuff: A woman who makes a fuss about everything but does little or nothing.

  Frugivore: An animal that eats fruit, such as the orangutan, whose diet is 65% fruit.

  Collywobbles: Intestinal cramps, such as colic, or a feeling of apprehension.

  Quodlibetarian: One who argues about anything.

  Chiliarch: In ancient Greece, the commander of 1,000 men (chilioi, a thousand; archos, leader).

  Booboisie: Coined in the 1920s by social critic H.L. Mencken to describe the gullible masses. A parody of the French word bourgeoisie.

  Orchiectomy: From the Greek word orkhis (testicles), the surgical removal of one, or both.

  Flyspecked: Marked with tiny stains from the excrement of flies.

  Sophomania: A delusional state in which the sufferer believes he or she is of exceptional intelligence.<
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  Largest national forest in the US: the Tongass, in Alaska. It’s larger than West Virginia.

  OOPS!

  Everyone loves tales of outrageous blunders, so go ahead and feel superior for a few moments.

  DIVERSIFICATION OF FUNDS

  None of the news reports explained exactly how Mr. Lin managed to drop the bag full of money into an industrial shredder, but all agreed that it was an accident. In December 2010, the distraught Taiwanese factory owner called his local government office in a panic, explaining that his 200,000 Taiwan dollars (about $6,000 U.S.) had been reduced to a pile of shreds. Luckily for Mr. Lin, the Taiwanese government has a policy of repairing damaged money for free. They put their best forensics worker, Liu Hui-fen, also known as the “jigsaw expert,” on the job. Working around the clock for a week, she was able to piece together every single bill to at least 75 percent of its former shape, which qualifies it as legal tender. Then Mr. Lin traded in the tattered currency for brand-new bills...which he vowed to keep safely away from his industrial shredder.

  DAMN THE TORPY...D’OH!

  How much does Eric Torpy admire NBA legend Larry Bird? So much that when Torpy was sentenced to 30 years in prison for armed robbery and attempted murder in 2005, he said to the judge, “Why not make it 33?” (That was Bird’s jersey number.) Equally bizarre: The judge granted Torpy’s request. However, after serving the first few years of his sentence, Torpy wasn’t happy with the situation anymore. “Now I wish that I had 30 years instead of 33,” he said in 2011. “I’ve wisened up.” Adding insult to injury, the story made the rounds in the press and Torpy was made fun of on The Tonight Show...which means that Larry Bird himself has most likely heard about it. “He must think I’m an idiot,” said Torpy, who will be eligible for parole in 2033.

  THE SAD HATTER

  For Halloween 2010 a young British man named Shawn Merter decided that he would complete his costume by wearing a sequinned top hat at an angle on his head. But instead of attaching the hat to his head with a string, Merter decided to glue it on. He tried fabric glue. That didn’t work, so he used Super Glue. Good news: The hat stayed on. Bad news: It wouldn’t come off. After unsuccessfully trying soap and warm water, Merter went to the emergency room. “Super Glue is actually quite strong,” the ER doctor told him. “If I rip the hat off, it will tear your scalp and could lead to an infection.” So a nurse cut it off with scissors. “I cut off the top of the hat, leaving only the brim,” she told reporters, “so he won’t look like that much of an idiot.” (The brim finally did come off, but only after Merter soaked his head in warm water for 12 hours.)

  Finnish scissors-maker Fiskars has been in business since 1649—it originally made steam engines.

  SALT IN HIS WOUNDS

  In the panic that followed the March 2011 Japanese tsunami and nuclear catastrophe, people all over the world began buying iodine tablets—or anything containing iodine, such as iodized salt—in the belief that it would protect them from radiation. Seeing that salt prices were rising, a Chinese entrepreneur named Guo purchased 4.5 tons of iodized salt, and had it trucked to his home. Not long after he had filled up nearly every room in his house with bags (and bags) of salt, news reports reassured the public that iodine was unnecessary in this type of disaster. Almost immediately, the price of salt dropped to pre-disaster levels. Guo couldn’t return the salt because he didn’t have the proper documentation. He also couldn’t sell it, because he had no license to do so. At last report, Guo’s house was still filled with salt.

  A FABULOUS MISTAKE

  A 2011 English-language booklet issued by the German tourism board to promote a music-awareness campaign in Düsseldorf city schools was marred by a typo that no one caught until two-thirds of the 90,000 booklets had been printed. The cause of the typo was a spelling error in the original German version of the booklet: The phrase der Schulen, meaning “of the schools,” was misspelled as der Schwulen, which is a disparaging way of saying “of the homosexuals.” The English text should have read “School’s Day of Action,” but read “Gay’s Day of Action” instead. Result: Officials had to print 65,000 stickers with the correct word and then place each one over the typo by hand.

  Unlike most big cats, which go for the throat, jaguars kill their prey by biting through the skull.

  SIMPSONS STORES

  Over 20+ seasons, The Simpsons has shown hundreds of these blink-and-you-miss-’em sight gags: funny business names. Here are a few favorites.

  Something Wicker This Way Comes

  Donner’s Party Supplies

  Ah, Fudge (chocolate factory)

  Eastside Ruff-Form School (dog obedience school)

  Tokyo Roe’s Sushi Bar

  The Three Seasons Motel

  All Creatures Great and Cheap (pet store)

  Miscellaneous, Etc.

  Wee Monsieur (kids clothing store)

  Restoration Software

  Dr. Zitofsky’s Dermatology Clinic

  King Toot’s Music Store

  Louvre: American Style (museum)

  Kentucky Fried Panda

  General Chang’s Taco Italiano

  I Can’t Believe It’s a Law Firm!

  Red Rash Inn

  Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers

  Hillside Wrangler Steakhouse

  Goody New Shoes

  The Frying Dutchman (seafood restaurant)

  Texas Cheesecake Depository

  Much Ado About Muffins

  International House of Answering Machines

  Taj Mah-All-You-Can-Eat

  The Sole Provider (shoe store)

  Pudding on the Ritz

  The Brushes Are Coming, The Brushes Are Coming

  T.G.I. Fried Eggs

  Call Me Delish-Mael (candy store)

  The Buzzing Sign Diner

  You can eat ’em, but only once: More than 2,000 plant species contain cyanide.

  BASEBALL BIZARRE

  Assorted weirdness from around the baseball diamond.

  • Cleveland Indians pitcher Bob Feller and Minnesota Twins outfielder Denard Span have something odd in common: Both hit their mothers in the stands with a foul ball. Feller hit his mom in 1939 (he broke her collarbone);Span hit his during a spring training game in 2010. Both moms made full recoveries.

  • On September 30, 1934, Charley O’Leary of the St.Louis Browns became the oldest big leaguer to get a hit and score a run. He was 51.

  • In Japan, catchers learn to crouch by having spiked boards placed under their behinds.

  • From 1936 to ’46, Hall-of-Famer Joe “Flash” Gordon played exactly 1,000 games for the Yankees. In that time, he had exactly 1,000 hits.

  • Breaking Babe Ruth’s home-run record will never be 4-gotten: It happened in the 4th inning of the 4th game of ’74, when the Braves’ Hank Aaron, #44, hit a homer off the Dodgers’ Al Downing, #44.

  • In the 1960s, Kansas City A’s owner Charlie Finley installed a mechanical rabbit that popped up out of the ground behind home plate to deliver new baseballs to the umpire. Finley wanted the rest of the owners to install rabbits too, but none did.

  • What minor leaguer—who never played in the majors—made a $4 million salary? Michael Jordan. In 1994 he played for a Chicago White Sox farm team. Jerry Reinsdorf, who owned the Sox and the Chicago Bulls, honored Jordan’s basketball contract even as Jordan fizzled out as a baseball player.

  • In 1989 the Reds’ temperamental outfielder Paul O’Neill dropped a fly ball. He angrily kicked the ball. It went directly to the cutoff man and stopped a runner from scoring.

  • In 1957 the Phillies’ Richie Ashburn fouled a ball that hit a fan named Alice Roth. As she was being taken away on a stretcher, Ashburn fouled off another...and hit her again.

  Hot running water: The Nile River has frozen only twice in recorded history.

  THE GOLD WATCH

  AWARDS

  Uncle John has been at the BRI for 24 golden years. If he keeps it up for another 30, maybe he’ll qualify to be in
an article like this one.

  AWARD WINNER: Mike Ryterski, of St. Louis, Missouri

  POSITION: Master grease maker

  YEARS ON THE JOB: 71

  STORY: Mike Ryterski was a 20-year-old Illinois farmboy when he went to Schaeffer Manufacturing, a St. Louis company specializing in industrial lubricants, and asked for a job. That was 1940, and as of 2011 he’s still working there. The 91-year-old is down to three days a week, but he’s still the “master grease maker” (one of only a few left in the world today, according to the company), overseeing the company’s production of new grease products. Ryterski, who personally hired nearly every person who works at the plant today—including the person who is now his own boss—said in 2010 that he’d be on the job “as long as my health permits.” (Sounds like it could be a long time.)

  AWARD WINNER: Jack Ingram, of Manchester, England

  POSITION: Columnist

  YEARS ON THE JOB: 71

  STORY: In December 29, 1933, 14-year-old Jack Ingram wrote his first newspaper column for the Heywood Advertiser, a local paper in northwest England. Titled “Scouts and Scouting,” it was about Ingram’s local Boy Scouts troop. The column, which ran under the byline “White Eagle,” Ingram’s scout nickname, appeared every week (with a break when Ingram served during World War II)—for the next 71 years. Ingram retired the column in 2004, at the age of 85—and was recognized by Guinness World Records as the longest-serving newspaper columnist in history. (Ingram died in November 2004.)

  AWARD WINNER: Mary Whitehead, of Watkinsville, Georgia

  POSITION: Church pianist

  YEARS ON THE JOB: 75

  STORY: Mary Whitehead started playing piano at the Winterville United Methodist Church in 1936 at the age of 15. She liked it so much that she came back every week for the next 75 years. When she finally decided to call it quits in February 2011, the congregation organized a “Mary Whitehead Day,” just so she could play for them one more time. “I think it’s awful nice of them to put on a special day for me,” she said. “But I’m 91 years old. It’s not so easy for me to get around as it used to be.”