Uncle John's Presents: Book of the Dumb Read online

  No word on whether Chad actually found his sunglasses.

  Source: Fredericksburg Free Lance-Star

  EWE WILL LOVE THE TASTE

  Thought you’d experienced every potato chip flavor known to man and beast? Guess again. In Scotland, they’ve developed haggis-flavored chips. The chips (or “crisps” as they’re known there) are the brainchild of Jacqueline Raeside, a potato farmer looking to supplement her farm’s income. And indeed, what better way than chips that taste of sheep’s intestine? “These are our own flavors, and the recipes remain secret,” Raeside said. Yes, “secret” is probably a good idea here. This is one food idea that’s probably not going to make it across the ocean.

  Source: Scotsman.com

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  Brought to you by the letter “O,” for “Obvious.”

  SMILE, YOU’RE ON CANDID STADIUM CAM

  Today’s tip: When wanted by the police, try not to get your mug plastered on the local baseball stadium’s scoreboard.

  If “Andy,” a 24-year-old parole violator also wanted on a drug-trafficking charge, had just followed that simple rule, he might still be out walking among us, violating his parole like a madman. Alas for him (but not for the rest of us), he did not. He was broadcast kissing his girlfriend on the “KissCam” at the Great American Ballpark, home of the Cincinnati Reds. His mug was seen by tens of thousands of hometown Reds fans, one of whom, as coincidence would have it, was Andy’s parole officer. Shortly thereafter, the parole officer and a police officer deprived Andy of his front-row seats.

  On the other hand, the Reds won the game, taking it from St. Louis 4–2. So it wasn’t all bad.

  Sources: Associated Press, Yahoo! Sports

  “Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.”

  —Robert Heinlein

  JEWELRY TO SPARE, APPARENTLY

  Your jewelry store has roughly $800,000 worth of jewelry in its window display. That’s quite a lot, even before the riotously high markup that is passed on to customers. Thus you feel the need to protect said jewelry from the people who might try to grab it and flee. Which of the following is not a good way to protect your expensive and sparkly trinkets?

  1. Metal grilles: Designed to keep anything with an opposable thumb from reaching in and grabbing the jewelry in question—yes, even those crafty little spider monkeys you’ve heard so much about.

  2. Armored glass: Go ahead! Hit it with a hammer! You just can’t break it! Go on! All right, now stop. All that banging is going to give someone a headache.

  3. State-of-the-art laser alarm system: Try as hard as you might, you can’t move faster than a laser beam without breaking the laws of physics. And if you thought the penalties for breaking ordinary laws were bad, well, just you wait.

  4. Cheap unprotected saw board roof: Put this over the display cases, unprotected by any of the three aforementioned protective measures —just right for sawing through, so a thief can reach down and scoop up the $800,000 in jewelry like it was just being given away!

  Let’s See . . . Decisions, Decisions

  If you answered, “oh, number 4, definitely,” then you might actually be one of the crooks who robbed a Munich jewelry store in early May 2003. The store owners had the laser alarm, metal grilles, and armored glass—and, unfortunately for them, the cheap unprotected wooden roof as well, through which the criminals sawed to steal the precious stones and gold rings.

  A Munich police spokesman noted that “the roof over the display case window was not alarmed, but no one realized it. The alarm was only set up to work if the windows were broken.” Our criminals, flouting the unspoken social contract that dictates they adhere to both verbs in the phrase “smash and grab,” left the windows intact.

  Next time, why not make it simpler? Just put the jewelry in a Tiffany bowl with a little sign that says “help yourself” calligraphed in gold on the front.

  Source: Ananova

  “For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.”

  —H. L. Mencken

  “Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”

  —Martin Luther King Jr.

  BALLOONATIC

  Sometimes throwing water balloons is fun. And sometimes it’s a federal offense. Wisdom comes from knowing the difference between the two.

  “Chad,” of Dixon, Illinois, was not particularly wise that summer day in 2003. At 33 years of age—an age at which one really ought to know better—he hurled a water balloon at the driver of an antique fire truck in the Dixon Petunia Festival Parade. Normally this would be chalked up to garden-variety obnoxiousness and forgotten. But it just so happened that the driver was Dennis Hastert, the Speaker of the House for the U.S. House of Representatives. Dixon also happens to be in his congressional district. So instead of it being ignored, Chad was arrested, charged with aggravated battery, and tossed in the clink until he coughed up $25,000 in bail.

  Don’t Even Think About Spraying the Vice President with Reddi-wip

  In court, Chad explained that he didn’t know he had thrown the water balloon at the Speaker of the House, or even at his own federal representative. Apparently he thought he was just heaving it at some random guy.

  Judge Tomas Magdich was quick to enlighten him: “He is third in line to the presidency of the United States. You won’t forget it next time, will you?” the judge said. Irony: the judge made a mistake. Hastert actually is second in line (the president, being president, doesn’t count as being in line).

  So the next time you are thinking of heaving a water balloon at someone, ask: “Do I know what my local federal representative looks like? And am I willing to make a federal case out of my right to launch water-filled latex projectiles?” If the answer to one or more of these questions is no, then be wise and hold your fire.

  Source: Associated Press

  FIGURES

  From an Associated Press news article: “A new panel charged with finding ways to make Connecticut government run more efficiently will release its report six months later than scheduled.”

  “The American people are very generous people and will forgive almost any weakness, with the possible exception of stupidity.”

  —Will Rogers

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  Because if we help them, maybe they can help themselves (but not to our stuff).

  RESTRAIN YOURSELF Today’s tip: Your parole officer is not stalking you.

  This is contrary to the point of view of “Evan,” who in February 2003 asked for a temporary restraining order against a woman he described as a stalker, who was making him “depressed and in fear for my freedom.” The temporary restraining order was granted—temporary restraining orders are often granted without investigation. It wasn’t until later that it was discovered that the woman “stalking” Evan was his parole officer, who was merely trying to do her job. The restraining order was revoked, and Evan himself arrested for—you guessed it—not meeting with his parole officer. No doubt that the extra time in the can gave him a real reason to be depressed and in fear for his freedom.

  Source: Witchita Eagle, “News of the Weird”

  “In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that he did not also limit his stupidity.”

  —Konrad Adenauer

  MAMA BEARS DOWN ON THE CROWD

  Here’s the thing about pit bull terriers: they have a reputation for being twitchy, vicious bite machines. But as anyone who has ever owned an infamous breed of dog knows, most of the time the dog’s actions have more to say about the intelligence of the owner than the dog’s disposition.

  With that in mind, our story begins in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park in Tennessee. It seems that on a July weekend a bunch of sightseers created what the locals call a “bear jam”—which means that they all stopped their cars and got out to ooh and aah at a mother bear and her three cubs. Among these sightseers was
“Stanley,” up from Georgia in his pickup with his pit bull.

  Please Curb Your Dog

  The Great Smoky Mountains National Park requires that dogs in the park be restrained. But wouldn’t you know, Stanley apparently forgot about that, which would explain what happens next: his pit bull sized up one of the cubs, decided he could take it, and bolted from the road. Naturally, mama bear didn’t take kindly to this, so she went after the dog and chased it back into the crowd. Generally speaking, being pursued by a 1,000-pound angry bear would be enough for most dogs to take the hint, but this particular pit bull was persistent—or particularly dim—and needed to be chased back into the crowd several times before it got the hint.

  Now, let’s not overlook the relevant phrase here: “chased back into the crowd.” Yes, this dog caused a rather unfortunate interaction between bear and terrified onlookers. The same people who were oohing and aahing at baby bear’s cuddly cuteness a few minutes prior were now running and screaming at the top of their lungs from a very large, very ticked-off mammal bent on defending its young. Mama bear was finally scared away after some quick thinker hurled a camcorder at her. A Maryville Daily Times reporter dryly noted, “The camcorder did not survive the ordeal.”

  Fortunately, no living thing was seriously injured in the dog’s attack on the cub, the bear’s attack on the dog, or the camcorder’s attack on the bear. However, the dog sustained minor injuries consistent with a bear attack, and that along with eyewitness accounts of Stanley’s pickup were enough to help rangers track Stanley down and cite him for harassing wildlife, having an unsecured pet, and creating a hazardous situation. Each of these charges is worth a maximum of $5,000 in fines and/or six months in the clink.

  A New Leash on Life

  All of which could have been avoided if Stanley had followed the rules and kept his dog restrained. But that’s all right. He might have 18 months in his own personal kennel to think it over.

  Sources: Maryville Daily Times, Knoxville News-Sentinel, Great Smoky Mountains National Park Resource Management and Science Weekly Update

  A FISHY PREMISE

  Kids usually learn early on that the world of animation does not accurately reflect life. This typically happens at about age five, when they leap off something high and discover to their surprise that running very quickly will not actually allow them to wade in the air for the several crucial seconds required to get back on the ledge. (Learning experiences such as these are typically accompanied by quick visits to the emergency room, followed by ice cream for the kids and Valium for the parents.)

  Be that as it may, every so often adults feel the need to step in and remind the tots that just because cuddly animated creatures are doing something doesn’t mean it’s a good idea in the real world. Such was the impetus for the June 2003 press release issued by JWC Environmental Inc., a Costa Mesa, CA, company that manufactures sewage treatment machinery, and put out in the wake (no pun intended) of the feel-good Pixar-Disney animated film Finding Nemo.

  Nemo Meets the Muffin Monster

  The makers of the ��Muffin Monster” waste shredder were concerned that children might replicate a particular incident in the film, and so sought to dissuade them with a press release that would give Hieronymus Bosch the cold shakes:

  “In this summer’s blockbuster family film Finding Nemo, a fish tries a daring escape from an aquarium by jumping down a sink drain, flowing through the city sewer system and out into the open ocean,” the press release read. “While it’s a touching story, the reality is many sewage treatment plants have large, powerful Muffin Monster grinders that shred solids into tiny particles. In truth, no one would ever find Nemo and the movie would be called ‘Grinding Nemo.’”

  For those readers who were not immediately sidetracked by the mental image of the adorable baby clown fish of the film graphically chummed down to scale fragments and effluvia, the press release goes on to describe its company’s machines in chilling detail: huge grinders reaching seven and a half feet in height, with two massive, counterrotating shafts whose blades overlap, like pinking shears, and which are “powerful enough to shred anything that finds its way into the waste water channel, including clothing, shoes, sticks, rocks, and even car keys.”

  Should Nemo or any other creature somehow escape the whirring blades of such sewage processing, never fear. “The tertiary process in a plant usually consists of chlorination or UV disinfection,” the release assures us, “which kills any remaining organisms.”

  Is This the End of Nemo?

  Let us pause for a moment to recognize the fact that the hellish instruments described in the press release serve a legitimate and useful purpose, helping humanity separate out its junk so that our oceans don’t have to receive any more car fenders or detergent boxes than it already does. Chopping up solid refuse allows for easier chemical treatment and helps the organic portions of the waste, like table scraps, decompose (the inorganic portions settle out in a section of the treatment plant called the “grit room” and are ultimately shipped to a landfill). Despite the horrific end these machines promise to any live creature flushed down the pipes, the alternative to dumping raw sewage into the oceans is not a good one. Also, of course, dropping live animals into your pipes is just plain mean and should be avoided, so credit to the press release on that score.

  Then Why Did They Name It Muffin Monster?

  Still—promoting one’s sewage treatment products by warning people how effectively they would grind up a computer-generated fish designed for children to identify with is more than a little weird and macabre. And woe to the parent who takes what he or she learns in this press release and shares it with little Timmy and Claire. For kids just getting over the fact that they can’t actually hover in midair, ground-up fishies are just a greased downhill path to therapy.

  Sources: Associated Press, JWC Environmental Inc.

  “When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”

  —George Bernard Shaw

  DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: SWEPT AWAY (2002)

  Our Entry: Swept Away, starring Madonna and Adriano Giannini

  The Plot (Such As It Is): In this remake of a controversial 1974 film by Lina Wertmuller, Madonna plays a rich, spoiled woman who is shipwrecked with a sailor (Giannini) whom she had belittled and abused. Soon, he slaps her around and makes her bring him food, and she likes it, which is somehow not surprising.

  Directed by Madonna’s husband, Guy Ritchie, which is notable in that someone funded the film despite the awful critical and financial reception of the last film Madonna did with her husband, 1985’s Shanghai Surprise (with ex-husband Sean Penn), not to mention the critical and financial reception of Madonna films in general.

  Fun Fact: Giannini’s father, Giancarlo Giannini, played the same role in the 1974 version of the film. He was better. It was better.

  Total North American Box Office: $598,645 (source: The-Numbers.com). That’s right, it made less than a million dollars.

  The Critics Rave!

  “Swept Away is a deserted island movie during which I desperately wished the characters had chosen one movie to take along if they were stranded on a deserted island, and were showing it to us instead of this one.”—Chicago Sun-Times

  “One of the many thoughts that go through your mind while watching Swept Away is how hellish life will be in the Guy Ritchie household from now on. After all, it’s hard to imagine another director ever making his wife look so bad in a major movie.”—Arizona Republic

  “The biggest husband-and-wife disaster since John and Bo Derek made the ridiculous Bolero . . . Writer-director Guy Ritchie shows none of the flair he displayed in Snatch; opting instead for lousy gags, clumsy editing, and a wildly careening tone . . . Madonna reads her lines as if she were in a high-school poetry class being taught what syllables to stress: ‘Where would we all BE if we all DID things when we FELT like it?”—Reel.com

  “When Madonna and Ritchie wed, I prayed
their union would not produce a movie like Swept Away. Sometimes prayers don’t come true.”—Northwest Herald (Crystal Lake, IL)

  “There’s no novelty, no shock value, in watching Madonna being slapped around by Giannini and humiliated into submission . . . After watching her crawl around on all fours and being chained to her lover’s bed in the video for ‘Express Yourself,’ the sight of Madonna kissing Giannini’s feet and calling him ‘master’ just feels like more of the same-old.”—Miami Herald