Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Golden Plunger Awards Read online

Wild Kingdom with Marlin Perkins: Every Sunday, we’d gather round the TV and watch Marlin—and his buddy Jim—whiz across a marsh on their fan-driven boat, and we’d learn about exotic animals like lions, tigers, and elephants. Who knew those animals lived in marshes? (Maybe we just remember it wrong.)

  Watches that tick: Uncle John can’t remember the last time he saw someone wearing a watch with mechanical parts that you could hold up to your ear to listen to that tiny, magical “tick tick tick . . . ” It brings back memories of grandma and grandpa just thinking about it.

  House calls: Someone in your family is sick. You’re worried but an emergency room visit would be overreacting and too expensive, so you make a call and a doctor comes to your house. This was common until the late 1960s, when insurance companies stopped making it financially viable for physicians. The practice has been making a small comeback recently, due to a change in Medicare law—but not enough for us!

  Hand-written letters: The ease and speed of e-mail is truly a wonder, and we’re glad we have it. But the fact that it has nearly killed the ancient art of writing, by hand, a lengthy letter to a friend or family member—well, it’s just a shame.

  Rolling down the window by hand: Looking back, you have to wonder what genius automotive designer thought, “You know what we oughta do? We oughta make electronic controls for rolling windows up and down . . . because doing it by hand is just so gosh-darned hard!” Thanks to that person you have a much better chance of not being able to roll the windows up or down at all—because the car’s electronics have gone haywire.

  “Choking” the engine: In the old days, driving a car was an interactive experience. In addition to rolling down the windows by hand, you had to pull out a knob on the dashboard before you could start the engine. This controlled a flap that limited the amount of air entering the carburetor (“choking” it), making for a “richer,” more fuel-laden, combustible mix—which cold engines need. As the car warmed up you pushed the knob in until it was fully open again. Chokes have been automatic on virtually all engines with carburetors since the 1970s, and today’s more common fuel-injected models have automatic equivalents.

  Daisy BB guns: Uncle John remembers getting his first “official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time”—just like Ralphie in A Christmas Story. Ah, but those were more innocent times, and though Daisy Outdoor Products still exists and you can still get a BB gun today—they’re not nearly as popular as they used to be. (Because, of course, those things could put somebody’s eye out, for goodness’ sake!)

  Hank Aaron as Home Run King: Henry Aaron was a 6-foot tall, 180-pound baseball player—for just about his entire 22-year career. Barry Bonds was a 6-foot tall, 185-pound player . . . when he entered the league in 1986, and for about 10 more years. But between 1996 and 2001, the year he set the record for most HRs in a season with 73, he ballooned from 190 up to 228 (listed) pounds. (And that was just his head!) He only broke Aaron’s career record of 755 in 2007, we know, but we miss the simple and untarnished legacy of Hammerin’ Hank already.

  Straight razors: We really don’t know why we miss them—but we do. They’re just cool.

  The Concorde SST: Like you, we had dreams of someday becoming insanely wealthy and renting a Concorde supersonic transport jet for a wild party with a few hundred of our best friends, during which we would fly back and forth from Paris to Las Vegas six times in one day for no good reason whatsoever. Alas, supersonic transport isn’t economically viable, and the last Concorde flight landed in 2003. One more dream down the toilet.

  Drive-in theaters: Huge movie screens . . . outside . . . with parking lots in front of them . . . that you drove your car into . . . and made out with your sweetie while Elvis and Annette Funicello did the twist. Does life get any better than that? You can still find a few of these across the United States, but most of them are just nostalgia . . . along with Annette and the twist.

  THE CLOCK IS CUCKOO AWARD

  Daylight Saving Time

  Love it when you gain an hour but hate it when you lose

  one? Daylight Saving Time causes a lot of confusion.

  Is it really worth all the trouble?

  SPRING FORWARD, FALL BACK

  Daylight Saving Time (note: it’s “Saving,” not “Savings”) has been with America in one form or another for roughly a century. It was first used in 1918 and 1919, during World War I, to help conserve energy for the war effort (and it ended six months after the war, because it was so unpopular). The government rolled it out again during World War II, but that time around, time never fell back—the country stayed an hour ahead until the war ended.

  After 1945, Daylight Saving Time became a free-for-all. Some states observed it, some didn’t. It was confusing all around, until Congress decided to make things official with the Uniform Time Act of 1966, which decreed that from the first Sunday in April until the last Sunday in October the clocks would move forward one hour—unless a state didn’t want to participate, which was fine. Parts of Indiana, and Arizona, and Hawaii decided not to change their clocks, but the rest of the country adopted the rule.

  Americans aren’t alone in recognizing Daylight Saving Time. From Canada to the European Union to Central America to Africa to the Middle East, countries and entire regions all over the world put their citizens through it. Even scientific stations in Antarctica get in on the Daylight Saving Time action. (There are too many participating countries to list here, but if you’re interested, check them all out at worldtimezone.com/daylight.htm.)

  BLAME BEN

  Most people think that Daylight Saving Time began to help farmers. Not true. In fact, after World War I, farmers were the biggest opponents of Daylight Saving Time. (They called for the country to return to “God’s time.”) People have been complaining about it ever since, and in 2005, Congress responded, revising the bill so that Daylight Saving Time would be extended to begin in mid-March and end in mid-November, giving everyone just a little more light before and after the long winter.

  Those who truly hate Daylight Saving Time continue to place blame. So if you really want to take out your frustration on someone, blame Benjamin Franklin.

  A MODEST PROPOSAL

  Franklin was living in Paris as an ambassador in 1784 when he pitched a time-saving idea in a letter he wrote to a friend, who was the editor of Journal de Paris. In the letter, Franklin explained how much less oil would be needed to fuel lamps if the time were changed so people actually awoke with the sun. (Franklin was kidding. He had no intention of living that way himself. He liked to play chess well into the night and sleep until noon.) Even though his letter was written in jest, Franklin’s friend published it under the title “An Economical Project.”

  Frugal people were intrigued by the suggestion for saving candles, and the idea remained part of governmental discussions for more than 100 years. Then in 1905, British builder William Willett put forth a similar idea—he thought that people were wasting their time sleeping away the early morning hours of summer when they could be out enjoying themselves. Willett tried to get a clock-changing idea recognized by the British parliament, but it wasn’t popular. When changing the time showed promise as a way to help economies during the expensive time of World War I, however, countries around the world got on board—first the Germans, then the British, and then the Americans.

  ENERGY SAVING TIME?

  Economics was also the reason the U.S. Congress expanded Daylight Saving Time in 2005; the representatives wanted to save money—some $180 million on energy. That number came from Michigan Congressman Fred Upton, who cosponsored the bill and estimated that the country would use 100,000 fewer barrels of oil per day (at $60 per barrel at the time) if Daylight Saving Time were lengthened.

  PROS AND CONS

  How true that assessment is, though, is another story. In decades past, Daylight Saving Time worked on the principle that people used less electricity because they ne
eded fewer lights when the sun was out and that they enjoyed more outdoor activities when during daylight. But today, most households have a computer or a TV, and one is likely to be on any time someone is awake, meaning that electricity savings may be minimal. A study by the University of California–Santa Barbara, released in 2008, seems to support this. The study determined that Daylight Saving Time actually costs households more money—$3.19 more a year in electricity. (However, the study focused entirely on Indiana, where part of the state observes Daylight Saving Time and part doesn’t; it’s not clear if the added expense would be equivalent across the entire country).

  Good news does come in the form of fewer car accidents, though. A 1995 study by the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety found that motor vehicle crashes decreased when Daylight Saving Time was in effect, particularly fatal accidents involving pedestrians. This group even called for year-round Daylight Saving Time, saying that “the predicted net benefit for retaining daylight saving time was a reduction of 727 fatal pedestrian crashes and 174 crashes fatal to vehicle occupants.” So, as annoying as the idea of changing all the clocks can be, the tradeoff of an hour of sleep once a year isn’t so bad when you consider that it’s a good way to save some lives.

  “I want to thank my father, the man who, when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said, ‘Wonderful. Just have a back-up profession, like welding.’”

  —Robin Williams, after winning the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for Good Will Hunting

  THE VIDEO GAME “GATEWAY DRUG” AWARD

  Donkey Kong

  It introduced mainstream kids to the interactive on-screen world, spawned

  an incredibly successful sequel, and launched the “career” of one of the

  industry’s most famous characters . . . oh, and it was fun too.

  BROTHER, CAN YOU SPARE A QUARTER?

  Before Donkey Kong, video games were a mild addiction at best. Sure, you had your Pong enthusiasts, Space Invaders had quite a few fans, and Pac-Man enticed a lot of the world’s youth to turn over their hard-earned quarters. But Donkey Kong showed us how simple and compelling a console could be. The intervention should have occurred then—before Wii, Nintendo DS, Game Boy, and all the rest were injected into our lives.

  When Donkey Kong was released, America was in a video game frenzy. About 10,000 arcades had sprung up across the nation, and video game consoles could be found in bars, movie theaters, bowling alleys, laundromats, and grocery stores—anywhere people could be tempted to spend a few minutes and a few quarters.

  This is when the video game pastime became a full-fledged addiction. The giant machines gobbled up 20 billion quarters in 1981 alone. And the success of the arcade and video game industry was due in large part to a game called Donkey Kong.

  HELP!

  Let’s start at the beginning. The year was 1981, and Nintendo introduced Donkey Kong. What’s in a name? The Japanese video game company needed a good one to identify its new product: the game’s developer Shigeru Miyamoto thought the word “donkey” meant “stupid” in English, so he chose it to modify “Kong,” a word associated with apes. It was a good way to sum up the game’s giant ape villain. Although most players didn’t care about the story behind the game, there was one: The ape escaped from the zoo after being mistreated by his trainer, Jumpman (later called Mario). Kong kidnaps Mario’s girlfriend, Pauline, for revenge and takes her to a construction site, which he partially demolishes by jumping up and down. Mario, of course, comes to the rescue. While the ape throws barrels and other objects at Mario in an effort to kill him, the player (as Mario) continues trying to rescue the girl. As he gets closer, the ape climbs up another level, and there are more ladders to climb and barrels for Mario to jump over.

  The game sounds deceptively easy, but it takes a certain skill to jump over the barrels—the player has to time pressing the jump button just right. And sometimes the barrels double up, meaning the player’s finger dexterity is about to get tested. (Most likely, a generation’s worth of Nintendonitis can be traced back to here.)

  THE NEXT GENERATION

  No video game is an island. During the 1980s, the industry’s heyday, gamers’ attention was easily diverted to newer, bigger, and shinier things. Video game developers had to keep coming up with new projects to lure players in, and sequels to popular video games were one way to do it.

  This is where Donkey Kong really shines. Some people argue that Pac-Man and its successor, Ms. Pac-Man, deserve the kudos for getting us all seriously addicted to video games. They did their part, to be sure, but Pac-Man is monotonous—its maze never changes, so you’re stuck playing the same board again and again. Ms. Pac-Man is a contender, with its six mazes, constantly changing colors, and several different unpredictable ghost enemies.

  But Ms. Pac-Man is a hack. It was an unauthorized sequel originally produced by a couple of small-time computer programmers as a Pac-Man knockoff. In quality, though, it far surpasses the original, so much so that Namco (the Japanese company that produced Pac-Man) and Midway (the American licenser of Pac-Man) eventually brought it into the family. Still, it loses points for not being original.

  What about other sequels, like Baby Pac-Man and Professor Pac-Man? They were lemons. Baby Pac-Man tried to combine pinball action with the Pac-Man grid (it didn’t work), and Professor Pac-Man had trivia questions built in. Not really what the Pac-Man enthusiasts were after.

  Donkey Kong, on the other hand, managed to produce a sequel—Donkey Kong Jr.—that was every bit as fun as the original. In that one, Donkey Kong’s son tried to rescue the captured ape from the evil Mario. The first screen started with a tropical theme, and successive screens got progressively more challenging. The game was still based on moving up levels, but the scenery changed. And in a twist on the original, the industrial barrels and ladders were replaced with vines to swing on and falling fruit to dodge.

  OUR HERO

  Beyond delivering a great sequel, Donkey Kong created an industry in Mario, who (along with his brother Luigi) would return to star in more than 200 games. Mario also became one of the most (some people say the most) recognizable characters. Just as you can’t keep a good ape down, you certainly can’t keep the Mario brothers down, either.

  MEET MARIO

  • Mario didn’t officially become “Mario” until the release of the game Mario Bros., which also introduced his brother, Luigi.

  • Mario is the older brother.

  • In the early 1980s, Nintendo executives were thinking of giving the Jumpman character a name and expanding him to other games. One day, their landlord, Mario Segali, interrupted and demanded a late rent payment. Like Jumpman, Segali wore a red cap and had a mustache. Jumpman became Mario (and Italian).

  • Mario wears a cap (with an “M” on it) because the character’s designer, Shigero Miyamoto, has a hard time drawing hair.

  THE LOST IN SPACE AWARD

  Interstellar Messaging

  As radio and TV waves travel through space, they may be our

  first contact with life outside of Earth. And if something’s

  out there, we want it to know that we come in peace.

  EARTH TO ETs . . . COME IN

  In 1936, the world sent its first intergalactic greeting card. That year’s Olympic games, hosted by Germany and officially opened by Adolf Hitler, became the first broadcast powerful enough to travel into space. Even the weakest radio waves can escape the Earth’s surface. The distance a signal can travel is really only limited by the amount of background noise and the quality of the receiver. A stronger signal will go farther because it is easier to pick out from the background noise. Before 1936, transmissions weren’t strong enough to leave Earth’s atmosphere. The broadcast of the Olympics happened to be the first transmission that was powerful enough to go out into space. And in the 70-plus years since then, hundreds of thousands of hours of television and radio have streamed their way out beyond the Earth’s atmosphere.

  Whether it’s possible for inte
lligent life out there to detect and decode these waves is a question that scientists continue to ponder. Radio waves are wide—sometimes up to a mile wide—and cannot be “read” completely by just one radio telescope . . . unless it’s as wide as the signal itself. So scientists have had to create several large radio telescopes—like the aptly named “Very Large Array” in New Mexico, which has 27 telescopes lined up to form the equivalent of one 22-mile-wide telescope. (The installation provides the resolution a much larger, single antenna but at a fraction of the cost.)

  REACHING A TARGET AUDIENCE

  The farther radio wave signals travel, the more they widen and weaken. They also can be disrupted or broken up by planets, comets, stars, and other objects. Still, scientists believe that the signals could continue to travel, even in a weakened state, for several hundred light years. And even if they were indecipherable, they might still be recognizable as the product of intelligent life. Some programs are even sent out especially for audiences far, far away.

  • In 1974, Carl Sagan and astronomer Frank Drake sent out a message directed toward the M13 star cluster—25,000 light years away. Encoded in the signal was a message set in binary code and depicting numbers, DNA, and Earth, among other things. Fears that the message would be compromised by its long journey through space, spurred scientists to resend the message in 2001—just in case.

  • In 2006, a French space agency beamed a television program to a point 45 light years away. The scientists had done research that showed the area could conceivably host life (although there’s no evidence it does at this point). The program was hosted by a nude man and woman (to give potential alien viewers the opportunity to see what human bodies look like) and featured conversations about sociology and science.