Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader@ Read online

  MISCELLANEOUS: Here are some other products in which you might find gelatin, bone ash, or other parts of a pig.

  safety gloves

  beauty masks

  energy bars

  licorice

  chewing gum

  breath mints

  lollipops

  marshmallows

  nougat

  cupcakes

  vanilla pudding

  chocolate mousse

  ice cream

  pet food

  surgical sponge

  paintballs

  inkjet paper

  X-ray film

  jigsaw puzzles

  book covers

  wallpaper

  sandpaper

  shoe leather

  china figurines

  chondroitin tablets

  insulin

  heart valves

  cadmium batteries

  injectable collagen

  bullets

  MYTH-CONCEPTION:

  PIGS ARE FILTHY ANIMALS

  Pigs are exceptionally clean animals. Yes, you might see them rolling around in the mud, but they do that only to cool themselves off because they have no sweat glands. Here’s an example of pig hygiene: They typically designate one area of their pen or yard for defecation and urination—away from the area where they eat and sleep. Even piglets just a few days old will leave the nursing nest to relieve themselves.

  MISSED IT BY THAT MUCH

  You work so hard, you dedicate yourself with long hours, year after year, you get right up to the very end…and boom, you miss it.

  PHILLIP K. DICK

  Almost there…This American science-fiction writer published more than 120 short stories and 44 novels. He had a small following around the world, but lived most of his life in near-poverty. His later years were marred by poor health, both physical and mental, and, five days after suffering a stroke in February 1982, he died at the age of 53.

  Denied: Less than three months after his death, Dick’s 1968 novel Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? was adapted for the screen—becoming Blade Runner, starring Harrison Ford. The film was nominated for two Oscars, and it introduced the world to Dick’s largely unknown work. Since then, eight films based on Dick’s work, including Total Recall (1990), Minority Report (2002), and A Scanner Darkly (2006), have grossed more than $700 million.

  ROMAN EMPEROR VESPASIAN

  Almost there…Shortly after Vespasian came to power in A.D. 69, he ordered the construction of the Flavian Amphitheater (after the imperial family name). It took almost nine years to build.

  Denied: In June of A.D. 79, Vespasian dropped dead after a brief illness at the age of 70. He missed the completion of his theater and its 100-day grand opening. Every day during that period, the massive arena, which was more than 150 feet high and covered six acres, was filled with more than 50,000 spectators who turned out to see boat battles (they could fill the amphitheater with several feet of water), horse races, gladiator battles, sideshows of every sort, and the slaughter of more than 9,000 animals. Vespasian’s Flavian Amphitheater became the most important symbol of the power of the Roman Empire, and its ruins still stand today, better known by the name it got during the Middle Ages: the Roman Colosseum.

  MADELYN LEE PAYNE DUNHAM

  Almost there…Madelyn Lee Payne was born in Kansas in 1922. In 1940 she married Stanley Dunham, in 1942 they had a daughter named Ann, and in the 1950s they moved to Hawaii. There, in 1961, Ann met and married Barack Obama; Barack Jr. was born later that year. Madelyn played a big role in the boy’s upbringing, even raising him for several years while his mother lived in Indonesia. In 2008 Madelyn, then 86, watched from her home in Honolulu as her grandson ran for president as the Democratic nominee. She even had a corneal transplant just so she could see the TV better.

  One of Isaac Newton’s teeth was auctioned in 1816 for $3,633. ($35,700 today.)

  Denied: Dunham died on November 2, 2008—just two days before Barack Obama won the historic election. Fortunately, he had visited her in late October (with only days remaining in the campaign) and was able to talk to her one last time.

  FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT

  Almost there…Nazi Germany’s 1939 invasion of Poland marked the beginning of World War II. At first, President Roosevelt kept the United States out of it, but he was anything but uninvolved. He persuaded Congress to repeal a 1935 arms embargo, allowing the U.S. to export weapons to its European allies; he instigated a major arms buildup that helped keep England from being taken by the Nazis; and he pushed for (and got) the first peacetime draft in American history. After the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor in 1941, the U.S. entered what had become a true “world war.” For the next three-and-a-half years Roosevelt led the country through history’s most devastating conflict to date.

  Denied: Roosevelt was at his Warm Springs, Georgia, retreat on April 12, 1945, when he suffered a cerebral hemorrhage and died within minutes. Less than a month later, Germany surrendered. On August 14, after the U.S. dropped atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Japan surrendered, and President Harry Truman announced to the American people that the war was over.

  “I discovered I scream the same way, whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.”

  —Kevin James

  Who hosted America’s first beauty pageant? P. T. Barnum, in 1854.

  SONG-WRONGERS

  Politicians don’t commission original campaign songs anymore. Instead, they like to use well-known popular songs, often without payment or permission. Here are some of the song stealers who got caught.

  Infringer: Bob Dole

  Song: “Soul Man”

  Story: During the 1996 presidential campaign, Sam Moore, a member of the popular 1960s R&B duo Sam and Dave (who also wrote the theme song from Shaft), rerecorded one of the duo’s biggest hits, “Soul Man,” for the presidential campaign of Bob Dole, substituting “I’m a Dole man” for “I’m a soul man.” The song was originally written by Isaac Hayes and David Porter, and they were not happy with Moore’s version. “People may get the impression that David and I endorse Bob Dole,” Hayes told the New York Daily News, “which we don’t.” And Rondor Music International, the music publishing company that owned the song, threatened to sue for $100,000 for every unauthorized use of “Soul Man.” The campaign immediately stopped using the song, and no lawsuit was filed. But the Dole campaign then tried to use the Bruce Springsteen song “Born in the USA,” again without permission. Ronald Reagan had done the same in 1984, and, just as he had done with Reagan, “The Boss” (and his lawyers) forced Dole to stop. After that, Dole’s aides finally asked a songwriter for permission, and Eddie Rabbitt allowed them to use “American Boy” as their campaign song.

  Infringer: Joe Walsh

  Song: “Walk Away”

  Story: In January 2010, Illinois Republican politician Joe Walsh, who was running for a seat in the U.S. House of Representatives, changed the lyrics to the 1971 song “Walk Away,” written by guitarist Joe Walsh in his pre-Eagles days, and used it in a campaign video on his website. Musician Walsh had his lawyer, Peter Paterno, write the campaign a letter: “Given that your name is Joe Walsh, I’d think you’d want to be extra careful about using Joe’s music in case the public might think that Joe is endorsing your campaign, or, God forbid, is you.” Walsh the politician’s response: The song was parody and therefore permitted under copyright law, and “I am not backing down on this.” A month later he backed down, and the video was pulled.

  ORD, the code for O’Hare Airport, comes from its original name, “Orchard Field.”

  Infringer: Barack Obama

  Song: “Hold On, I’m Coming”

  Story: In 2008 Sam Moore was back in the news when the Obama campaign used another Sam and Dave hit, “Hold On, I’m Coming,” as one of its theme songs without asking permission. Although Moore didn’t write the song, he sent them a letter asking them to stop, and the campaign co
mplied. Eleven months later…Moore performed at one of Obama’s inaugural balls. (He sang “Soul Man.”)

  Infringer: Charles DeVore

  Songs: “The Boys of Summer,” “All She Wants to Do Is Dance”

  Story: Most unauthorized users of songs apologize and promise to never do it again, and that’s usually the end of it. But sometimes they fight back. Charles DeVore’s campaign to win the 2010 Republican senate primary in California used a knockoff of “The Boys of Summer” by Don Henley in a video mocking Barack Obama. (It was called “Hope of November.”) Henley complained, and the video was pulled. But then DeVore did it again, ripping off Henley’s “All She Wants to Do is Dance” for a song called “All She Wants to Do Is Tax” about his opponent, Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer. (DeVore actually wrote both parodies himself.) Henley had enough, and he filed a lawsuit against DeVore for copyright infringement. DeVore fought back, claiming the songs were parodies and therefore protected by free speech. In June 2010, a judge ruled that DeVore was wrong: Parody involves mocking the thing being parodied, in this case Henley’s songs. DeVore’s songs didn’t do that; they were used to comment on something else entirely—Barack Obama and Barbara Boxer—which made them satires, not parodies. Henley won the case, making him the first musician to successfully sue a politician for stealing a song. (No word on how much DeVore had to pay, but he lost the election.)

  More than 100 descendants of Johann Sebastian Bach have been church organists.

  HAPPY WAFFLE IRON DAY!

  …and other weird—but real—“holidays.”

  JANUARY: National Soup Month

  Jan. 10: Peculiar People Day

  Jan. 13: Blame Someone Else Day

  Jan. 22: Answer Your Cat’s Question Day

  FEBRUARY: Pull Your Sofa Off the Wall Month

  Feb. 9: Read in the Bathtub Day

  Feb. 20: Hoodie Hoo Day

  Feb. 23: International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day

  MARCH: International Mirth Month

  Mar. 9: Panic Day

  Mar. 28: Something on a Stick Day

  Mar. 29: Festival of Smoke and Mirrors Day

  APRIL: Grilled Cheese Month

  Apr. 4: Hug a Newsman Day

  Apr. 11: Eight-Track Tape Day

  Apr. 23: Talk Like Shakespeare Day

  MAY: Revise Your Work Schedule Month

  May 9: Lost Sock Memorial Day

  May 13: Frog Jumping Day

  May 27: Cellophane Tape Day

  JUNE: Dairy Alternative Month

  June 1: Go Barefoot Day

  June 19: World Juggling Day

  June 29: Waffle Iron Day

  JULY: Doghouse Repairs Month

  July 3: Compliment Your Mirror Day

  July 14: National Nude Day

  July 15: Gummi Worm Day

  July 17: Wrong Way Day

  AUGUST: Foot Health Month

  Aug. 12: Middle Child’s Day

  Aug. 20: Bad Hair Day (Don King’s birthday)

  Aug. 30: Frankenstein Day

  SEPTEMBER: Pleasure Your Mate Month

  Sept. 6: Fight Procrastination Day

  Sept. 11: Make Your Bed Day

  Sept. 16: Collect Rocks Day

  OCTOBER: Sausage Month

  Oct. 11: National Kick Butt Day

  Oct. 14: Be Bald and Be Free Day

  Oct. 30: Haunted Refrigerator Night

  NOVEMBER: Beard Month

  Nov. 2: Deviled Egg Day

  Nov. 6: I Love Nachos Day

  Nov. 20: Absurdity Day

  Nov. 21: False Confession Day

  DECEMBER: National Tie Month

  Dec. 4: Wear Brown Shoes Day

  Dec. 12: National Ding-A-Ling Day

  Dec. 30: Festival of Enormous Changes at the Last Minute

  Itchin’ cousins: Mangos and cashews are both related to poison ivy.

  THE MALL: A HISTORY

  Modern shopping malls are so common that we forget they’ve only been around for 50 years. Here’s the story of how they came to be…and the story of the man who invented them, Victor Gruen—the most famous architect you’ve never heard of.

  FATEFUL LAYOVER

  In the winter of 1948, an architect named Victor Gruen got stranded in Detroit, Michigan, after his flight was cancelled due to a storm. Gruen made his living designing department stores, and rather than sit in the airport or in a hotel room, he paid a visit to Detroit’s landmark Hudson’s department store and asked the store’s architect to show him around.

  The Hudson’s building was nice enough; the company prided itself on being one of the finest department stores in the entire Midwest. But downtown Detroit itself was pretty run-down, which was not unusual for an American city in that era. World War I (1914–18), followed by the Great Depression and then World War II (1939–45), had disrupted the economic life of the country, and decades of neglect of downtown areas had taken their toll.

  STRIP JOINTS

  The suburbs were even shabbier, as Gruen saw when he took a ride in the country and drove past ugly retail and commercial developments that seemed to blight every town.

  The combination of dirt-cheap land, lax zoning laws, and rampant real estate speculation had spawned an era of unregulated and shoddy commercial development in the suburbs. Speculators threw up cheap, (supposedly) temporary buildings derisively known as “taxpayers” because the crummy eyesores barely rented for enough money to cover the property taxes on the lot. That was their purpose: Land speculators were only interested in covering their costs until the property rose in value and could be unloaded for a profit. Then the new owner could tear down the taxpayer and build something more substantial on the lot. But if the proliferation of crumbling storefronts, gas stations, diners, and fleabag hotels were any guide, few taxpayers were ever torn down.

  It takes 2,000 handlers to guide the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day balloons through the 43-block parade.

  The unchecked growth in the suburbs was a problem for downtown department stores like Hudson’s, because their customers were moving there, too. Buying a house in suburbia was cheaper than renting an apartment downtown, and thanks to the G.I. Bill, World War II veterans could buy them with no money down.

  Once these folks moved out to the suburbs, few of them wanted to return to the city to do their shopping. The smaller stores in suburban retail strips left a lot to be desired, but they were closer to home and parking was much easier than downtown, where a shopper might circle the block for a half hour or more before a parking space on the street finally opened up.

  Stores like Hudson’s had made the situation worse by using their substantial political clout to block other department stores from building downtown. Newcomers such as Sears and J. C. Penney had been forced to build their stores in less desirable locations outside the city, but this disadvantage turned into an advantage when the migration to the suburbs began.

  As he drove through the suburbs, Gruen envisioned a day when suburban retailers would completely surround the downtown department stores and drive them out of business.

  SHOPPING AROUND

  When Gruen returned home to New York City, he wrote a letter to the president of Hudson’s explaining that if the customers were moving out to the suburbs, Hudson’s should as well. For years Hudson’s had resisted opening branch stores outside the city. It had an image of exclusivity to protect, and opening stores in seedy commercial strips was no way to do that. But it was clear that something had to be done, and as Hudson’s president, Oscar Webber, read Gruen’s letter, he realized that here was a man who might be able to help. He offered Gruen a job as a real estate consultant, and soon Gruen was back driving around Detroit suburbs looking for a commercial strip worthy of the Hudson’s name.

  The only problem: There weren’t any. Every retail development Gruen looked at was flawed in one way or another. Either it was too tacky even to be considered, or it was too close to downtown and risked stealing sales from the flagship store. Gruen recommended that the
company develop a commercial property of its own. Doing so, he argued, offered a lot of advantages: Hudson’s wouldn’t have to rely on a disinterested landlord to maintain the property in keeping with Hudson’s image. And because Gruen proposed building an entire shopping center, one that would include other tenants, Hudson’s would be able to pick and choose which businesses moved in nearby.

  Furthermore, by building a shopping center, Hudson’s would diversify its business beyond retailing into real estate development and commercial property management. And there was a bonus, Gruen argued: By concentrating a large number of stores in a single development, the shopping center would prevent ugly suburban sprawl. The competition that a well-designed, well-run shopping center presented, he reasoned, would discourage other businesses from locating nearby, helping to preserve open spaces in the process.

  FOUR OF A KIND

  Oscar Webber was impressed enough with Gruen’s proposal that he hired the architect to create a 20-year plan for the company’s growth. Gruen spent the next three weeks sneaking around the Detroit suburbs collecting data for his plan. Then he used the information to write up a proposal that called for developing not one but four shopping centers, to be named Northland, Eastland, Southland, and Westland Centers, each in a different suburb of Detroit. Gruen recommended that the company locate its shopping centers on the outer fringes of existing suburbs, where the land was cheapest and the potential for growth was greatest as the suburbs continued to expand out from downtown Detroit.

  Hudson’s approved the plans and quietly began buying up land for the shopping centers. It hired Gruen to design them, even though he’d only designed two shopping centers before and neither was actually built. On June 4, 1950, Hudson’s announced its plan to build Eastland Center, the first of the four projects scheduled for development.