Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader Read online

  Heeere’s Alice. Pert Kelton, the first actress to play Alice Kramden, fell ill with a heart condition and could not continue in the role when Gleason moved to CBS. When another actress, Audrey Meadows, was asked if she knew anyone who could play the part of Alice, she said, “Me.” Gleason turned her down because she was too pretty. That made her want the part more. She sent Gleason photos of herself as a “frumpy” housewife, and Gleason triumphantly announced he’d found the right actress—not realizing she was the same woman he’d already rejected.

  You Can Do Better. Joyce Randolph played Ed Norton’s wife, Trixie. But Randolph’s mother didn’t like her daughter playing the part—she thought Joyce “could do better than marrying a sewer worker.”

  At his heaviest, President James Madison weighed 98 pounds.

  ONE-HIT WONDERS

  You’re listening to the radio, and you hear this great (or terrible) song by a new group. It rockets all the way to #1 and sells 5 million copies...but then you never hear anything by the artists again. They’re one-hit wonders—part of a pop music phenomenon no one can explain. Here are a few case studies for BRI members to ponder.

  The Artist: The Monotones

  The Song: “The Book of Love” (1958, #5)

  The Story: In 1955 six kids from Newark, New Jersey, formed a doo-wop band called The Monotones. One day a member of the group was looking at the sheet music for a song called “Book of Love,” when he heard a Pepsodent toothpaste commercial on the radio: “You’ll wonder where the yellow went, when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.” It inspired him to write: “Oh I wonder, wonder who...who wrote the book of love.”

  He and the group turned it into a song. “It was a joke to us,” he explains. But when a rival group wanted to record it, The Monotones quickly made a demo and sold it to a record company. It became a Top 10 hit. Unfortunately, The Monotones didn’t bother putting out a follow-up record until three months after “Book of Love” peaked. By then, their fans had moved on.

  The Artist: David Soul

  The Song: “Don’t Give Up on Us, Baby” (1977, #1)

  The Story: David Solberg dropped out of college in the 1960s to become a folk singer. He decided he needed a gimmick to get attention, so he wrote a song called “The Covered Man”—which he sang while wearing a ski mask. The stunt got him on “The Merv Griffin Show” more than 20 times, but he still couldn’t sell any records. Solberg (now renamed Soul) did, however, get enough exposure to land a starring role on the TV show “Starsky & Hutch.” The program’s popularity encouraged him to try music again. He released “Don’t Give Up on Us Baby” in 1977. It hit #1...but none of his follow-ups made it into the Top 40. He gave up recording about the same time “Starsky & Hutch” went off the air.

  The average U.S. student attends school 180 days; in China, it’s 251 days.

  The Artist: Steam

  The Song: “Na-Na, Hey, Hey, Tell Him Goodbye” (1969, #1)

  The Story: In 1969 a singer named Gary DeCarlo recorded his first single for Mercury Records. Then he went back to the studio to record a throwaway “flip side”—something so bad no disc jockey would accidentally play it instead of the “A” side.

  A few friends were at the studio that night; they suggested a tune they’d performed in a band in 1961. It was called “Kiss Him Goodbye,” and it was perfect for the “B” side of the record...except that it had no chorus. No problem—they made one up on the spot, with “na-nas” instead of lyrics. They described it as “an embarrassing record...an insult.”

  But to everyone’s horror, Mercury thought it was great and decided to release it as a single. No one wanted to be identified with the record, so it was credited to “Steam.”

  “Na-Na” sold more than a million copies, but DeCarlo wouldn’t make another Steam record. Mercury got a different group to do the follow-ups, but the best they could come up with was “I’ve Gotta Make You Love Me,” which reached #46 on the charts in 1970.

  The Artist: Zager and Evans

  The Song: “In the Year 2525 (Exordium & Terminus)” (1969, #1)

  The Story: In 1968 Denny Zager and Rick Evans were playing folk music in a motel lounge in Lincoln, Nebraska. One of their most popular songs was “In the Year 2525,” an up-tempo apocalyptic vision Evans had written four years earlier. They decided to record it. For $500, they got recording studio time and 1,000 copies of their single—which they sold to local record stores and passed out to Nebraska radio stations.

  Zager and Evans were delighted when the song began getting airplay in Lincoln...and flabbergasted when it drew the attention of a hotshot management firm in Los Angeles. An executive with the firm flew to Lincoln and signed Zager and Evans to a personal contract; then he signed them to a recording contract with RCA.

  A few weeks later, “In the Year 2525” was released nationally...and a few weeks after that, it was #1 in America. However, Denny Zager had never really liked the song and wasn’t interested in doing any more tunes in the same style. None of the pair’s subsequent records even made it into the Top 100.

  English is the official language of more countries than any other language. French is second.

  MORE FREE ADVICE

  Here are more helpful hints from high-profile heavyweights. From Friendly Advice, by Jon Winokur.

  “Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.”

  —Harry S Truman

  “Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn’t want your mother to hear at the trial.”

  —Sydney Biddle Barrows,

  the “Mayflower Madam”

  “You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.”

  —Al Capone

  “Never trust a man unless you’ve got his pecker in your pocket.”

  —Lyndon Baines Johnson

  “To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you’re impotent. She can’t wait to disprove it.”

  —Cary Grant

  “Sleeping alone, except under doctor’s orders, does much harm. Children will tell you how lonely it is sleeping alone. If possible you should always sleep with someone you love. You recharge your mutual batteries free of charge.”

  —Marlene Dietrich

  “Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.”

  —Gypsy Rose Lee

  “Don’t try to take on a new personality; it doesn’t work.”

  —Richard Nixon

  “There’s nothing to winning, really. That is, if you happen to be blessed with a keen eye, an agile mind, and no scruples whatsoever.”

  —Alfred Hitchcock

  “Rise early. Work late. Strike oil.”

  —J. Paul Getty

  “Don’t let your mouth write a check that your tail can’t cash.”

  —Bo Diddley

  “Never eat at a place called Mom’s. Never play cards with a man named Doc. And never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.”

  —Nelson Algren

  “What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking someone to do it.”

  —Ambrose Bierce

  According to experts, “Elvis” is the most popular name for pet King snakes.

  NIXON’S THE ONE?

  Did Richard Nixon undermine LBJ’s peace talks and keep the Vietnam War going in 1968, just to get elected? Here are some facts to consider from It’s a Conspiracy!, by the National Insecurity Council.

  Although President Lyndon Johnson wasn’t running for reelection in 1968, he was still obsessed with ending the war in Vietnam. His decision was partly political, since any resolution would help the Democrats hold on to the White House. But more important, by finding an “honorable” settlement to the conflict, Johnson could avoid becoming the first American president to lose a foreign war.

  In June Johnson came up with a plan: he proposed a halt to the U.S. bombing of North Vietnam, to be followed by negotiations with all parties. At first the proposal was rejected by the Communists. Then, after several months of
secret meetings, the North Vietnamese suddenly agreed to his terms. The U.S. allies, the South Vietnamese, also accepted the plan—in fact, they insisted that talks begin immediately after the cease-fire went into effect.

  Peace talks were scheduled to begin on November 2, three days before the presidential election. Democrats were sure the talks would help defeat Richard Nixon.

  WHAT HAPPENED

  • Suddenly, on October 29, South Vietnam—whose defense had already cost 29,000 American lives—backed out of the peace talks. According to former Defense Secretary Clark Clifford, South Vietnamese president Nguyen Van Thieu “reneged on everything he had previously agreed to,” saying the peace talks were “too soon.”

  • Thieu said he would need “materially more time” to prepare for talks in Paris and that he “needed to consult the South Vietnamese National Security Council again.”

  • Johnson and his aides were livid. But they could do nothing to bring Thieu back to the negotiating table. When the peace talks were aborted, so was Democratic nominee Hubert Humphrey’s bid for the presidency. On November 5, Richard Nixon won by 510,645 votes, or less than 1% of the total votes cast.

  37% of Canadians think Canada will become part of the U.S. in the next 50 years.

  SUSPICIOUS FACTS

  • On July 12, 1968, Nixon, Bui Diem (the South Vietnamese ambassador to the U.S.), and Anna Chennault (a prominent right-wing Republican) met secretly in New York City.

  • Chennault was an important figure in both Asian and American politics and had access to highly placed officials on the two continents. She was one of the mainstays of the China Lobby, a Taiwan-based group that fought to keep Red China out of the United Nations, and was chair of Republican Women for Nixon.

  • At Nixon’s request—perhaps made at the July 12 meeting—Ambassador Diem began regular and secret communications with Nixon’s campaign manager, John Mitchell, and other senior members of the Nixon team.

  • The White House knew what was going on. “Gradually,” Defense Secretary Clark Clifford wrote later, “we realized that President Thieu’s growing resistance to the agreement in Paris was being encouraged—indeed, stimulated—by the Republicans, and especially by Anna Chennault.” (The New Yorker)

  • According to former Assistant Secretary of State William Bundy: “Johnson and his inner circle...learned through intercepted South Vietnam Embassy cables, particularly one of October 27, that Anna Chennault was conveying via Bui Diem apparently authoritative ‘Republican’ messages urging Mr. Thieu to abort or cripple the deal by refusing to participate. That ‘smoking gun’ cable included promises of later favor from Mr. Nixon, including a possible visit to Saigon before the inauguration if he were elected.” (The New York Times)

  • Bundy also said that “on November 3, two days before the election, Mr. Johnson [confronted] Mr. Nixon with Mrs. Chennault’s activities, and Mr. Nixon categorically denied any connection or knowledge—almost certainly a lie in light of later disclosures.” (ibid.)

  • Clifford reported that, on the day after the election, South Vietnamese Vice President Nguyen Ky “almost contemptuously” told U.S. Ambassador Ellsworth Bunker “that it might take two months—just about the length of time left to the Johnson administration—to resolve his government’s problems with the negotiating format.” President Thieu finally agreed to resume peace negotiations on January 25, 1969—just days after Richard Nixon’s inauguration.

  A shark can have as many as 24,000 teeth in its lifetime.

  WAS IT A CONSPIRACY?

  Clark Clifford thought so. He said the secret Republican effort was “a plot—there is no other word for it—to help Nixon win the election by a flagrant interference in the negotiations.”

  • Clifford adds: “No proof...has ever turned up linking Nixon [himself] directly to the messages to Thieu....On the other hand, this chain of events undeniably began with Bui Diem’s meeting with Richard Nixon in New York, and Nixon’s closest adviser, John Mitchell, ran the Chennault channel personally, with full understanding of its sensitivity.” (The New Yorker)

  • “The activities of the Nixon campaign team,” Clifford wrote, “went far beyond the bounds of justifiable political combat. They constituted direct interference in the activities of the executive branch and the responsibilities of the Chief Executive—the only people with authority to negotiate on behalf of the nation. [They] constituted a gross—and potentially illegal—interference in the national-security affairs by private individuals.” (ibid.)

  FOOTNOTE

  Why didn’t LBJ or Hubert Humphrey turn Nixon’s alleged interference with the peace talks into a campaign issue? Bundy says that “in the circumstances, Mr. Johnson and Mr. Humphrey decided, separately, not to raise what would surely have been a highly divisive issue so late in the campaign.”

  RECOMMENDED READING

  “Annals of Government: The Vietnam Years,” by Clark Clifford and Richard Holbroke (The New Yorker magazine; May 6, May 13, and May 20, 1991). A three-part article.

  Note: It’s a Conspiracy! is a 256-page book full of amazing and entertaining stories. Highly recommended as bathroom reading.

  Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego, California.

  THE MYTH-ADVENTURES

  OF THOMAS EDISON

  Most Americans believe that Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb. He didn’t. In fact, although he was a great inventor, there are a number of myths we commonly believe about Edison. Let’s correct a few.

  THE MYTH: Edison was the father of electric light.

  THE TRUTH: Electric lighting had been made practical decades before Edison began his famous research. Although incandescent light (the kind that’s made by charging a wire filament until it glows white hot with energy) had not yet been perfected, by the 1870s arc lighting (light that’s created when a spark “arcs” across two highly charged electric rods) was already in use in lighthouses and in the street lamps of some major cities.

  The only problem was, they used too much energy and generated too much light (300 times as much as the household gas lights of the day) to be practical in homes. A less-powerful source of light was needed.

  THE MYTH: Edison invented the incandescent lightbulb.

  THE TRUTH: Incandescent lightbulbs had been around as a laboratory curiosity since 1823, and the first incandescent bulb was patented by Joseph Swan, an English inventor, in 1845.

  By the time Edison began experimenting with lightbulbs in 1878, scientists around the world had already spent 55 years trying to perfect them. Edison wasn’t trying to invent the lightbulb; he was trying to find a long-lasting filament that would make the lightbulb practical for the first time.

  Incandescent lightbulbs operate on the principle of electrically heating a tiny filament until it glows white hot with energy, creating light in the process. The main problem at the time: most substances either melted or burned up when heated to such a high temperature, causing the bulb to burn out after only a few seconds.

  Vacuum bulbs, which had some of their air removed, solved part of the problem; by reducing the amount of oxygen in the bulb, they lengthened the time it took for the filament to burn up. Even so, in 1878 even the best bulbs only only lasted a short time...and that’s where Edison came in.

  Riding hazard: 40% of people killed from falling off a horse are drunk.

  THE MYTH: He perfected the incandescent bulb by himself.

  THE TRUTH: He failed on his own, and had to bring in experts. Edison thought the secret to building a better light bulb was to design a switch inside the bulb that would function like a heater thermostat, turning off the electricity when the filament got too hot, and turning it on again as soon as the filament cooled off—a process that would take only a fraction of a second.

  Edison thought (and announced) that he could develop the switch in a few weeks—but he guessed wrong. It didn’t work at all.

  More a scientific tinkerer than a scientist, his strategy had always been to blindly
build prototype after prototype. He ignored work that other researchers had done and, as a result, often unwittingly repeated their failed experiments. That’s what happened with the lightbulb. After a month of trying on his own, he threw in the towel and hired Francis Upton, a Princeton physicist, to help him.

  As soon as Upton signed on, he had the lab’s researchers study old patents, electrical journals, and the work of competing inventors to see what progress they had made. He also shifted the focus of the work from testing prototypes to methodically experimenting with raw materials (in order to understand their scientific properties and see which ones made the best filaments). Without this important shift in strategy, Edison’s lab might never have developed a practical bulb at all...and certainly would have fallen behind competing labs.

  THE MYTH: Edison made his critical breakthrough on October 21, 1879—known for many years as “Electric Light Day”—when he had kept a lightbulb lit for more than 40 hours.

  THE TRUTH: The story is a fake. According to lab notes, nothing important happened on October 21—and it took another full year to produce a 40-hour bulb. The October 21 date was made up in late December 1879 by a newspaper reporter who needed a good story for the Christmas season.

  Couch potato fact: 80% of people who own VCRs don’t know how to program them.

  INNOVATIONS

  IN YOUR HOME

  You probably have some of these products around the house. Here’s how they were created.

  COPPERTONE SUNTAN LOTION

  Background: In the early part of the 20th century, suntans were the mark of the lower classes—only laborers who worked in the sun, like field hands, had them. But as beaches became more popular and bathing suits began revealing more skin, styles changed. Suntans became a status symbol that subtly demonstrated that a person was part of the leisure class.