Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader® Read online

  • E.S. GAFFNEY missed it by one letter while working at the U.S. Department of Energy. She submitted a proposal to an official whose last name is Prono, but Microsoft Word’s auto-correct feature changed it to “Porno.” Gaffney’s proposal was rejected.

  • THE MOSCOW-PULLMAN DAILY NEWS in Idaho missed it by one letter when it printed a recipe for a “Bowel Full of Brownies.” (Does that make it a “typoo”?)

  Henry Fonda took acting lessons from Marlon Brando’s mother.

  RANDOM BITS

  ON BEATLES HITS

  Trivia you don’t know about the songs you definitely do know.

  “Penny Lane”:The song described real locations in

  Liverpool. Or at least they were real—the street called Penny Lane is no longer there, although the barber, banker, and “shelter in the middle of the roundabout” still stand. The barber and banker are still a barber and banker; the shelter is now a coffee shop.

  “Eleanor Rigby”: A statue of the song’s subject sits on a bench on Stanley Street in Liverpool. It was sculpted by Tommy Steele, a 1950s British rock star, who gave it to the city in 1982. Unlike the song’s Eleanor Rigby, each year several thousand people “come near” the statue, which is dedicated to “all the lonely people.”

  “Dear Prudence”: John Lennon met Prudence Farrow—actress Mia Farrow’s sister—on a spiritual retreat with the Maharishi in India. She seemed very depressed when she arrived there, so Lennon wrote this song in an attempt to cheer her up. (She later said that she was neither sad nor despondent, just very deeply into meditation.)

  “Yellow Submarine”: Paul McCartney intended it to be a children’s song, and wrote a spoken introduction to go along with it, but the idea of the intro was abandoned—no recording of it exists.

  “Because”: The chord progression is Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” played backward. Lennon got the idea after hearing Yoko Ono play the original piece on the piano. The unique vocal is the result of Lennon, McCartney, and Harrison singing in unison, then overdubbing the parts twice to create nine-part harmony.

  “Got to Get You Into My Life”: In his autobiography, Many Years From Now, McCartney admitted who the song was about: nobody. It was actually about his need to smoke marijuana.

  Granger, Iowa, has two water towers, labeled HOT and COLD.

  “When I’m 64”: Paul McCartney wrote this song when he was 15, then recorded it a decade later with the Beatles. It was about his hope that he would have someone to love him in his old age. In 2002 McCartney married former model Heather Mills. They split up in 2006...one month before McCartney’s 64th birthday.

  “Twist and Shout”: The Beatles’ first concert ever held in a stadium was their show at Shea Stadium in August 1965. The first song they played: “Twist and Shout.” The Beatles’ version came from a 1962 recording by the Isley Brothers, but the Isleys didn’t originate it: a Philadelphia R&B group called the Top Notes did.

  “Something”: John Lennon and Paul McCartney controlled the Beatles’ output—George Harrison wrote lots of songs with the group, but this was his only composition with the Beatles that was ever released as a single. It went to #1.

  “I Want to Hold Your Hand”: The crowds of screaming girls during live performances were so loud that neither they nor the band could really hear the lyrics. So, when performing this song, Lennon would sing “I want to hold your gland,” meaning a breast.

  “Strawberry Fields Forever”: When John Lennon was a boy in Liverpool, he liked to play in a garden called Strawberry Field on the grounds of a Salvation Army house. His Aunt Mimi didn’t want him playing there, though, because he was technically trespassing. She often warned him, “It’s nothing to get hung about.”

  “I Saw Her Standing There”: Rights-holders wouldn’t allow Beatles songs to be used on American Idol until the series’ sixth season, but now a “Beatles week” is an annual feature. The first Fab Four song, performed on the 2007 finale, was “I Saw Her Standing There,” sung as a duet by Jordin Sparks and Blake Lewis.

  “I Am the Walrus”: Some of the lyrics to this psychedelic song seem to be nonsensical—who is “the eggman,” for instance? Eric Burdon of the Animals claims that it’s him. Burdon says that Lennon nicknamed him “Eggman” after he told Lennon about an intimate encounter he’d once had that involved an egg.

  All toads have poison glands.

  SYMBOL ORIGINS

  They’re on flags, packages, street signs, trash cans, and even bathroom doors. Where did they come from?

  Meaning: Biohazard

  Story: In 1966 Dow Chemical engineer Charles Baldwin was developing medical-hazard containers for the National Institutes of Health’s cancer division. Scientists at all of the different medical facilities he visited dealt with dozens of biological hazards, such as used needles, viruses, and blood, urine, and stool samples. There was no one universal way of telling at a glance which substances were especially dangerous (or “biohazardous”). With the help of the Dow package-design team, Baldwin developed several “warning” symbols—all bold, universal, and easy to recognize. Market research meetings were held, and participants were presented with the different designs. But the one most remembered was a “blaze orange” circular symbol with sharp points. Today it’s one of the world’s most recognizable symbols. Even people who don’t know what “biohazard” means quickly grasp that it’s saying “beware.”

  Meaning: Islam

  Story: Non-Muslims strongly associate the “star and crescent” with Islam. But Islam doesn’t officially recognize it, and it didn’t even start out as a Muslim symbol. Around 342 B.C. Philip of Macedon (Alexander the Great’s father) was laying siege to Perinthus, a city in Byzantium. According to legend, after months of direct attacks, the Macedonians had decided to tunnel under the city walls when a meteor suddenly ripped through the sky. The omen terrified them, and they retreated. The meteor and the crescent moon—the symbol of the Byzantines’ protector god, Hecate the Torch Bearer—became the symbols of the city of Byzantium (now Istanbul). The Ottoman Turks, who conquered the city in the 14th century, put the symbol on their flags. After the Turks adopted Islam, the symbol came to be associated with the religion as well.

  Longest English word with alternating consonants and vowels: Honorificabilitudinitatibus.

  Meaning: Life

  Story: The ankh is an ancient Egyptian symbol that was adopted by other ancient cultures too. There are many theories on how this shape came to be associated with the idea of “life”: a mirror used for self-contemplation, a phallic symbol, or a double-bladed axe representing life and death, for example. A recent theory by bio-Egyptologists Andrew Gordon and Calvin Schwabe suggests that the ankh is a representation of a bull’s thoracic vertebra, which, when viewed in cross-section, does look like an ankh. The bone sits between the bull’s shoulders, just above the forelimbs, which Egyptians believed held the animal’s vital life-force.

  Meaning: Male and female

  Story: The conventional explanation is that the “male” symbol represents the shield and spear of the ancient Roman god Mars, a symbol of masculinity, and the “female” symbol is the mirror held by Venus, an icon of femininity. But taxonomist William Stearn says those symbols are actually corruptions of the ancient Greek letters used to spell out the names of those Roman gods. The Greek name for Mars was Thouros, which starts with the letter theta, or Θ. Venus was called Phosphoros, which starts with the letter phi, or Φ. Stearn claims that over time Greek writers shortened the words Thorous and Phosphoros into just theta and phi, which evolved into the symbols we’re familiar with today.

  Meaning: Poison

  Story: The Pittsburgh Poison Control Center created this symbol in 1971 to coincide with the introduction of their 24-hour accidental-poisoning hotline. It was designed to replace the common skull-and-crossbones symbol on poisonous materials because children equated that one with pirates, adventure, and fun, instead of danger. Among the symbols tested, children responded most negative
ly to a neon green, grimacing face with a protruding tongue that looks like it just swallowed something horrible. One child called it “yucky,” leading to the name Mr. Yuk. Regional poison control centers around the United States distribute over 40 million black-and-green ‘Mr. Yuk’ stickers every year.

  Rough start: There were 12 honeymooning couples aboard the Titanic.

  COOKIE CRUMBS

  Trivia bits about cookies (or bisoketto, if you’re Japanese).

  • “Cookie” comes from the Dutch word koekje, meaning “small cake.” They’re called biscuits in England, galletas in Spain, and keks in Germany.

  • Cookies probably originated in 7th-century Persia, the first culture to cultivate sugar.

  • Best-selling cookie in the United States: Oreos for three out of four quarters of the year...but in the first quarter, Girl Scout Cookies are #1. (For each $4 box of cookies a Scout troop sells, they receive about 50 cents.)

  • Fig Newtons were created in the 1890s as a digestion aid. Medical “wisdom” held that many health problems were caused by poor digestion, and that fruit and bland bread could help.

  • In Uruguay, Chips Ahoy! are called Pepitos!

  • Flop Fig Newton flavors from the 1980s: grape, cherry, blueberry, and apple.

  • The “creme filling” in Oreos is primarily high fructose corn syrup and vegetable oil.

  • In the late 1800s, American cookbook writers considered cookies a lowly cousin of the more important cake, and generally included only a few cookie recipes, with odd names such as kinkawoodles, graham jakes, tangle breeches, and jolly boys. The only one that’s lasted: snickerdoodle.

  • Product placement? According to the cartoon “Mickey’s Surprise Party” (1939), Mickey Mouse’s favorite cookie is the Fig Newton.

  • Today you can buy Baskin-Robbins ice cream and Starbucks coffee in grocery stores. The first “restaurant-branded” item on supermarket shelves: Famous Amos, which expanded from chain stores to packaged cookies in 1980.

  • June 23 is National Pecan Sandies Day.

  • Shortbread cookies are believed to have originated in Scotland. That’s how Lorna Doone shortbreads got their name—she’s the Scottish heroine of an 1869 novel by British author R.D. Blackmore.

  Landlocked Liechtenstein and Uzbekistan are both surrounded by other landlocked countries.

  TWEET BEAT

  Police work isn’t what it appears to be on TV. To prove it, in 2010 the Manchester (U.K.) police posted to Twitter every call they received over a 24-hour period, no matter how ridiculous it was. Here’s a sampling.

  “Man shouts ‘you’re gorgeous’ to woman.”

  “Piece of wood on road.”

  “Concern for the welfare of a relative living in Tunisia.”

  “Man says he’s locked out of house. Wants police to break in for him.”

  “Confused man reporting his TV not working.”

  “Reports of four-foot doll or robot on Princess Parkway. Officers investigated but nothing there.”

  “Caller wants advice on where 16-year-old daughter can stay while the caller is on holiday.”

  “Woman reports her horse refuses to come back over bridge.”

  “Youths playing football outside house.”

  “Dead cat found.”

  “Rat in the house. Caller thinks her cat may be responsible.”

  “Report of man holding baby over bridge. Police immediately attended but it was man carrying dog that doesn’t like bridges.”

  “A drunk woman asking for police officers to call her back.”

  “Loose cows.”

  “Report of people trying to break into property. When police arrived it was surveyors.”

  “Builders have turned up to complete work two months late.”

  “Mother calls regarding 14-year-old son being aggressive, throwing clothes on floor.”

  “Caller receiving anonymous phone calls.”

  “Man appears asleep at bus stop.”

  “Caller says her two missing cats have come back home. This is a regular caller.”

  “Suspicious smell.”

  A Cinnabon study found that the scent of cinnamon causes mall shoppers to be more polite.

  CITY OF FRIGHT

  If you think the streets of Paris are enchanting, wait till you discover what lurks below.

  THEY DUG PARIS

  Most visitors to Paris have no idea that beneath the City of Light is a dark labyrinth of branching tunnels and abandoned quarries. Paris sits atop massive limestone and gypsum formations that have been quarried for more than 1,000 years. The Romans chiseled the fine-grained limestone into bathhouses and sculptures. The French used it to build thousands of buildings, everything from Notre Dame cathedral and the Louvre Museum to Paris Police Headquarters. As for the gypsum, ever heard of plaster of Paris? That’s where it comes from.

  When the mining started, the quarries were outside of town, but over the centuries the city spread and so did the quarries. Eventually Paris ended up with a 1,900-acre underground maze that starts about 15 feet below the streets and ends 120 feet underground. Parisians call the multi-level maze gruyère (Swiss cheese), and that’s exactly what a cross-section of the ground beneath their feet looks like.

  THAT SINKING FEELING

  When an entire city ends up on holey ground, things get shaky. Residents got their first glimpse of how unstable their city had become in 1774, when one of the tunnels collapsed, gulping down houses and people along Rue d'Enfer (“Hell Street”). Parisians panicked, so Louis XVI created the Inspection Generale des Carrieres (quarry inspectors) and appointed architect Charles-Axel Guillaumot as its first chief. He instructed Guillaumot to do three things: 1) find all the empty spaces under Paris, 2) make a map of them, and 3) reinforce any spaces below public streets or below buildings belonging to the king. Personally inspecting the sinkholes to a depth of more than 75 feet, Guillaumot was horrified by what he found and told Louis the truth: “The temples, palaces, houses, and public streets of several parts of Paris and its surrounding areas are about to sink into giant pits.”

  Coneheads: A giraffe’s horns are called ossicones.

  MOLD LANG SYNE

  That wasn’t the only problem in Paris. Thanks to war, famine, and plague, the city’s cemeteries were full to overflowing. One frosty February morning in 1780, a homeowner started down into his cellar but was immediately driven back upstairs by a terrible stench. Egged on by his neighbors (and wearing a vinegar-soaked handkerchief over his nose), he crept back down and found 20 decaying bodies, covered in graveyard mold, bursting through the wall. The graveyards had finally gone beyond their limits.

  But where others saw a problem, King Louis saw an opportunity. He closed the cemeteries and had the bones dug up and stacked into the quarries. Six million skeletons—mounds and stacks of skulls and tibias, femurs and spines—turned the chambers into catacombs, an underground boneyard that became known as “The Empire of the Dead.”

  CATS IN A MAZE

  As Paris grew, the gruyère got even more full of holes. Churches dug crypts. City engineers built aqueducts, sewers, water mains, and tunnels for Métro lines. They dug conduits for telephone and electrical lines, bunkers for shelter during World War II, and garages for underground parking. And at the very bottom: the ancient quarries, their ceilings braced by nothing but limestone pillars and stacked stones.

  Of the 180 miles of tunnels maintained by the Inspection Generale des Carrieres (IGC), only one mile—the catacombs—is open to the public. That doesn’t stop the cataphiles. After dark, these hardcore cavers scurry down drains and through ventilation shafts. They chisel open manhole covers and sneak through entrances in hospital basements, the cellars of bars, church crypts, and subway tunnels. Why? “At the surface there are too many rules,” says one cataphile. “Here we do what we want.”

  While preparing an article for National Geographic, reporter Neil Shea got an inside look at what cataphiles do underground. Some carry scuba t
anks for exploring and mapping abandoned wells. Some create art, such as a four-foot-high limestone castle complete with drawbridge, moat, towers, and even a little LEGO soldier guarding the gate. Others host events: An author and an illustrator staged a book signing for their graphic novel Le Diable Vert (The Green Devil). A group of people held a banquet, their candelabra casting shadows across the stone table as they dipped into cheese fondue and listened to chamber music. With cataphiles scurrying through the gruyère like mice, the city decided to hire another kind of cat to hunt them down.

  Golden oldie: The original recipe for margarine called for milk, lard, and sheep’s stomach lining.

  ON THE PURR-ROWL

  “We believe deeply that the catacombs belong to us, and that no one has the right to take them away,” says a longtime cataphile nicknamed Morthicia. The cataflics disagree. These special cops patrol the maze, chase offenders from their underground lairs, and hand out fines. That’s business as usual...unless they stumble upon something unexpected.

  In 2004, during a training exercise 50 feet below the surface, officers moved a tarp marked “Building site. No access.” That triggered a tape recording of dogs barking. “To frighten people off,” said an officer. Beyond the barking they found 3,000 square feet of subterranean galleries. In one gallery there was theater seating for 20 (carved into the rock), a full-size movie screen, and projection equipment, along with all kinds of films, from 1950s film noir classics to contemporary thrillers. In another room, they found tables and chairs, and a well-stocked bar. Three days later, they returned with an electrician to trace the wires being used to pirate power and phone service. But the galleries had been stripped; not a wire remained to offer a clue to the culprits. All that was left was a note in the middle of the floor: “Do not try to find us.”

  CHEESY PARISEE