Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy Read online

  HEY BIDDER, BIDDER…SWWWING, BIDDER!

  Auction item: A blue satin New York Mets baseball team jacket with “Madoff” stitched on the back in orange. (Ironically, team owner Fred Wilpon was one of Madoff’s victims.)

  Estimated value: $720

  Sold for: $14,500

  * * *

  New definition of “ladylike?” King Henry VIII’s ladies at court had a ration of one gallon of beer per day.

  * * *

  Auction items: A Lady Hermes brown suede handbag that belonged to Madoff’s wife, Ruth, plus two other purses.

  Estimated value: $210

  Sold for: $1,900

  Auction items: Three boogie boards, one with “Madoff” written on it with a black marker.

  Estimated value: $80

  Sold for: $1,000

  Auction item: A set of Madoff’s personalized golf clubs (irons only).

  Estimated value: $350

  Sold for: $3,600

  Auction item: A pair of Ruth Madoff’s diamond Victorian dangle earrings.

  Estimated value: $20,000

  Sold for: $70,000

  Auction item: A 1960 Hofstra University ring engraved with “BM.”

  Estimated value: $360

  Sold for: $6,000

  Auction item: A black leather Mont Blanc wallet embossed with “BM.”

  Estimated value: $100

  Sold for: $2,200

  EVERYTHING ELSE MUST GO

  At later auctions, Madoff’s 61-foot yacht, Bull, fetched nearly $1 million; his 38-foot-long boat, Sitting Bull, sold for $320,000; and his 21-foot-long Little Bull brought in $21,000. Some other Madoff items that collectors made off with: hockey trading cards, a “Bernard Madoff Investment Securities” pen, a Tiffany silver key ring monogrammed “BLM,” and the Madoffs’ Christofle flatware engraved “RMB.” And then there was Madoff’s 18-carat-gold Rolex “Prisoner Watch,” inspired by the steel watches given to Allied prisoners of war in Germany during World War II. The Prisoner Watch sold for $65,000 (or about the cost of two years’ worth of room-and-board to imprison Madoff).

  In the end, the auctions earned about $3 million for the victims—a tiny fraction of what Madoff had stolen from them.

  SWINDLER’S TWIST

  Following on the heels of the official Bernie Madoff auctions, several unofficial “Bernie Madoff Auctions” took place around the country…in much less posh hotels and community centers. Each of these auctions promised bidders a piece of the Madoff pie. The only problem: None of them offered any items that had actually belonged to Madoff. Atlanta-based Southern Star Auctioneers—which held a sale in Syracuse, New York—said they never claimed to be selling Madoff’s personal items, just stuff that belonged to his victims. But an investigation by the U.S. Marshals discovered that the items didn’t even belong to the victims. In some of the other bogus auctions, organizers forged the stockbroker’s name on the items: They sold $20 fountain pens for hundreds, even thousands of dollars…proving that even though he’s behind bars, Bernie Madoff is still able to part people from their money.

  CRAZY WORLD RECORDS

  • At an Illinois summer camp in 2001, 297 people flossed their teeth…with a piece of dental floss that measured 1,500 feet long.

  • Ten Royal Marines from England hold the record for pushing around an adult dressed up like a baby: 271.7 miles in 24 hours.

  • In 1999 Dustin Phillips of Los Angeles sucked an entire bottle of Heinz ketchup through a straw in 33 seconds.

  • As part of a stunt on The Ricki Lake Show in 2001, a couple kissed for a record 31 hours.

  • Timothy Badyna ran the Toledo (Ohio) Marathon in 1994 backward—that’s 26.2 miles in four hours, which would even be an excellent time if he ran it forward.

  * * *

  Studies show: The chances of having a left-handed baby increase with every ultrasound the mother has.

  * * *

  ZOMBIES IN THE NEWS

  With flesh-eating monsters devouring everything from Jane Austen to Louisville, Kentucky, it seems like dead is the new living.

  THE ZOMBEES ARE COMMING!

  In April 2009, the BBC’s news site reported that the swine flu virus, H1N1, had mutated into “H1Z1.” It could

  …restart the heart of it’s victim for up to two hours after the initial demise of the person where the individual behaves in extremely violent ways from what is believe to be a combination of brain damage and a chemical released into blood during “resurrection.”

  The story prompted a few concerned calls to the BBC, but the bad grammar, along with the date it appeared (April 1st), was a dead giveaway that this was a fake Web site designed to look like the BBC’s real site. No panic ensued.

  THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!

  For one crazy night each August, up to 3,000 zombies gather in Louisville, Kentucky, and stagger through downtown, swarming pedestrians, cars, even city buses. It’s the “Louisville Zombie Attack,” billed as the U.S.’s “first and oldest” undead gathering (started in 2005 by three friends who love zombie movies). Although the event—which also features zombies dancing to DJ music—is all in fun, the organizers ask that you plan ahead with your friends so that “only consenting participants are attacked.”

  NOT EXACTLY THRILLER

  In 2006 a group of staggering partygoers dressed as zombies raised the suspicion of police in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Why? These “undead” were carrying backpacks that had wires sticking out of them…so police arrested them on suspicion of possessing “simulated weapons of mass destruction.” It turned out that the wires were part of a stereo system for their “Zombie Dance Party.” Once they convinced officers that they weren’t carrying explosives, the weapons charges were dropped. But a few were cited for disorderly conduct for stumbling down the street like they were in “some kind of Michael Jackson video.”

  * * *

  In scientific circles, the collision that formed the moon is known as the Big Whack.

  * * *

  SIGN OF THE DEAD

  In early 2009, after an unknown trickster hacked into computerized road signs in Austin, Texas, motorists saw signs that warned them: “CAUTION! ZOMBIES AHEAD!!!,” “RUN FOR COLD CLIMATES!!!,” and “THE END IS NEAR!!!” Although most commuters said they were amused by the sign, the City of Austin was not. If caught, the culprit faces jail time and a $500 fine. “When you change a sign, you’re endangering people,” said one city official. (And in the future, citizens might be less inclined to believe the signs in the case of an actual zombie attack.)

  UNDEAD AUTHOR’S SOCIETY

  In 2009 author Seth Grahame-Smith took Jane Austen’s 1813 masterpiece Pride and Prejudice and added his own “zombie mayhem.” Result: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, a surprise best seller. The hybrid novel is 85% Austen’s work and 15% Grahame-Smith’s gory sensibilities, staying true to the original plot of star-crossed lovers, except for a few forays into zombie-killing, corpse disposal…and ninjas.

  Z-SCHOOL

  Harvard University psychiatrist Dr. Steven Schlozman’s fascination with movie zombies led him to write an academic paper on the subject. The study analyzes years of (movie) data and details why zombies behave the way they do. His findings:

  • Zombies are slow-witted because they have only enough frontallobe activity left in their brains to “sense” other zombies or humans.

  • The amygdala (the part of the brain that controls emotional reactions) also influences zombies, so they “can only be fueled by rage.” And reasoning with them is useless, Schlozman notes, because it’s like “being mad at a crocodile” for wanting to eat you.

  • Other cerebral deficiencies account for their slow walk, lumbering movements, lack of fear, and insatiable appetites.

  • Why do zombies moan? Because they’re constipated, writes Schlozman: “They never seem to poop.”

  * * *

  According to Univ. of Ottawa mathematicians, humanity is unlikely to survive a zombie epidemic.

 
* * *

  FINE, JUST FINE

  Just last week, Uncle John got fined $50 for letting his duck off its leash. He thought that was weird—until he saw what these people got fined for.

  In September 2009, Mishka Gamble of Cairns, Queensland, Australia, was fined $200 for owning two unregistered dogs. The problem: They were fiberglass dogs that were standing in her yard. “I’ve got a fiberglass pig and sheep,” Gamble said. “Do I need to register them, too?” She refused to pay the fine.

  • A waitress in the city of Klagenfurt, Austria, was fined the equivalent of nearly $800 after serving a table of guests industrial-strength cleaning detergent. She claimed that she thought it was schnapps. One of the guests (the one who wasn’t already drunk, we’re guessing) refused to drink the shot of liquid because it “smelled funny.” But the rest of the party drank the toxic drinks and had to be taken to the hospital. The waitress said she was simply overworked and had grabbed the wrong bottle.

  • A Charlotte, North Carolina, guitar teacher named Bob Teixeira spent $1,200 converting his 1981 diesel Mercedes to make it run on vegetable oil. His reward for making his car more environmentally friendly: The state of North Carolina fined him $1,000—because he wasn’t buying gasoline, and therefore wasn’t paying gasoline taxes. The federal government fined him an additional $1,000. To top it off, North Carolina officials told Teixeira he owed the state a $2,500 fee imposed on “small fuel users.” The fines were later reduced, but Teixeira still had to pay $2,500.

  • In March 2008, Boulder, Colorado, hairstylist Joy Douglas was fined $1,000 for dyeing her poodle pink. A Boulder law says that “No person shall dye or color live fowl, rabbits, or any other animals.” Douglas fought the fine, saying she used natural products like beet juice to dye the dog in support of a campaign for breast-cancer awareness. The city later ruled that Douglas wouldn’t have to pay the fine…as long as she refrained from dyeing animals for the next six months.

  * * *

  Only two animals get prostate cancer: male humans and male dogs. Woof!

  * * *

  CLAPPERS, SNAPPERS…

  …and other weird achievements that rhyme with “-apper.”

  CLAPPER. Kent French has beaten his own hand-clapping speed record several times. It’s currently 721 claps in one minute—about 12 per second. Navneet Singh of India set the record for clapping with one hand in 2007. Number of single-handed claps: 284 in one minute.

  SNAPPER. Scott Woodson, a teenager from Mountville, Pennsylvania, developed a way to manipulate his joints so that every finger snap becomes three snaps. Woodson holds the record for finger-snapping, with 162 snaps in 10 seconds.

  SLAPPER. At a 2009 event for the World Record Appreciation Society (an organization whose members set mundane records), a man named Lawson Clarke took a record 46 slaps to the face, from 46 different people, in one minute.

  RED SNAPPER. In 1996 Doc Kennedy was fishing in Port Fourchon, Louisiana when he caught a 50 lb., 4 oz., 41-inch red snapper—the largest one on record.

  GIFT WRAPPER. Ann Erickson of Utah won the 2009 “Scotch Brand Most Gifted Wrapper” contest for her speed and accuracy in wrapping a toy helicopter, jigsaw puzzle, bicycle, and sailboat.

  RAPPER. Twista, who had a #1 hit in 2004 with the rapid-fire rap song “Slow Jamz,” made Guinness World Records in 1992 for fastest rapper, able to enunciate 11.2 syllables per second.

  CRAPPER. Avant-garde artist Michelle Hines decided in 1995 that she wanted to produce the largest poop possible. Working with nutritionists at the University of Michigan, Hines ate a fiber-rich diet and took fiber supplements for a week before finally producing—on a bowling alley that donated its floor for the event—a turd measuring 26 feet long, the entire length of Hines’ digestive tract. (To prevent any premature evacuations, Hines wore a “plug.”)

  * * *

  Poll results: 53% of women would dump their boyfriend if they didn’t get a Valentine’s Day gift.

  * * *

  11 GREAT MOMENTS

  IN THE HISTORY

  OF MADNESS

  The world didn’t become crazy in a day. It took eons of war, famine, plague, and board meetings to get this way. Here are a few milestones of insanity through the ages.

  5th century B.C.: The Greek physician Hippocrates (460–370) believed that the human body contained four types of fluids called humors: blood (“sanguine humor”), yellow bile (“choleric humor”), black bile (“melancholic humor”), and phlegm (“phlegmatic humor”). Hippocrates considered these humors to be the source of moods and behavior, making him the first recorded doctor to reject the idea that mental illness was caused by supernatural forces. Instead, he considered it the result of environmental factors such as diet and lifestyle. Treatment consisted of trying to restore the balance of the four humors—for example, using citrus to elevate the sanguine humor (blood) when there was thought to be too much phlegm.

  A.D. 705: The first psychiatric hospital was founded in Baghdad, followed by other such asylums in Morocco, Egypt, Syria, and Turkey. In the Muslim world, sufferers of mental illness were treated much more humanely than in Europe. Instead of chains and isolation, patients were prescribed baths, drugs, music, and recreational activities.

  9th century: The Muslim physician Ali ibn Sahl Rabban al-Tabari (838–870) became the world’s first known psychotherapist. He believed that mental illness was caused by delusions and imagination, and should be treated by “wise counseling” from physicians who first build a rapport with their patients.

  11th century: In one of the first documented cases of a mentally ill patient being cured, a psychotherapist named Avicenna (980–1037) treated a Persian prince who believed he was a cow. The prince refused to eat and begged to be slaughtered. So Avicenna approached the prince with a knife, pretending to be a butcher, but stopped short, saying the cow was too lean and not ready to be killed. The prince was offered food and began eating again, until he gradually regained his strength and overcame his delusion.

  * * *

  Roughly half of all North Americans with a genius IQ (140 or higher) never graduate from high school.

  * * *

  The Middle Ages: In Medieval Europe, the idea that mental disorders were caused by an imbalance in the four humors was steadily being replaced by the idea that they were the result of sin, evil spirits, and Satan. Many “cures” were attempted: bloodletting, purging the bowels, whipping, fasting, prayer, and exorcism. In extreme cases, trepanning—drilling a hole in the top of the skull to allow the demons and excess humors to escape—was recommended.

  1200: England’s King John sent his royal messengers to the village of Gotham to scout locations for a new hunting lodge. When the king’s men rode into town, the townsfolk were acting strange: Some were attempting to drown an eel (which is impossible); others had joined hands and formed a circle around a thorny shrub to “keep trapped the cuckoo bird hiding within.” The messengers informed King John that the townspeople were mad. At the time, many believed that insanity was contagious, so the king decided to build his hunting lodge elsewhere, far away from the “Fools of Gotham.” But it was the king and his men who were the fools—the Gothamites had known in advance about John’s plan and didn’t want to pony up the taxes to build the hunting lodge. So they feigned madness. (Also works on IRS auditors.)

  1330: The oldest continuously operated hospital for the mentally ill, London’s Bethlem Royal Hospital—better known as Bedlam—was founded in 1247 as a priory, or monks’ residence. It became a hospital in 1330, and soon after, a hospital for the insane. The facility was basically a prison where inmates were cruelly restrained with manacles and chains. The screams and moans coming from inside were so loud that “bedlam” entered the English language as a word meaning uproar or confusion. It took several centuries for conditions to improve (in the 1700s, visitors paid a penny to stare at the “freaks” and poke them with long sticks), but Bedlam still functions today as a mental-health facility, more than 750 years after its fou
nding.

  * * *

  David Smith Sr. has been shot out of a cannon 9,000 times without breaking any bones.

  * * *

  1494: The phrase “ship of fools” dates back to the medieval practice of herding people considered insane or depraved onto boats, putting them out to sea, and abandoning them. In 1494 French satirist Sebastian Brant wrote a poem on the subject, depicting a happy crew wasting time pursuing idle pleasures—drinking wine, eating fruit, singing, and playing the lute—while no one was steering the ship. The poem, in turn, was the inspiration for a famous painting by Hieronymus Bosch.

  15th-17th centuries: The persecution of people accused of witchcraft led to as many as 100,000 executions in Europe and the New World. This deadly example of “mass hysteria” mostly occurred in rural areas without a strong central government, where townspeople believed wild stories of witches killing and eating babies and conspiring to overthrow Christianity. The accused were put on trial and subjected to various forms of torture (hot pincers, thumbscrews, immersion in water) until they confessed…or died. Those fortunate enough to survive the trial were burned at the stake, hanged, or decapitated. By the time the famous witch trials occurred in Salem, Massachusetts, in 1692, the European witch hunts had nearly become a thing of the past.