Uncle John’s Facts to Annoy Your Teacher Bathroom Reader for Kids Only! Read online

  OUR REGULAR READERS RAVE

  Some books print fancy reviews written by critics. Not us! Here at the BRI, we care more about what our faithful readers have to say.

  “I got the Book of Fun when I was 9 and I am 11 now, and I still can’t put it down. I am always the class clown in school and I would be way boring without your book.”

  —Nick

  “Your books are awesome, both me and my brother love them. Go with the flow and never quit!”

  —Rubaiyat

  “The information in your books fascinates me and is so interesting. For Christmas, half of my list is Bathroom Reader books. The coolest things about your books is that all of the facts are so funny.”

  —Sabrina

  “Hello BRI! You guys rock. I’m a huge fan, and I read your books everyday…my Social Studies teacher thinks I’m never paying attention.”

  —Jonathan

  “I’m a member of the BRI. And by the way, I love your books. Uncle John, how was life when you were a kid?”

  —Ryan

  “I love your books so much! I was about 8 or 9 when I got my first Bathroom Reader. It was called Uncle John’s Book of Fun. Now I’m 11 and have 6 of your books. My goal is to have all of your books. Keep up the good work, and as you always say…. go with the flow!

  —Aaron

  “I love Uncle John’s Wild & Woolly Bathroom Reader book. It was so funny and I learned a lot of fact about animals! Thank-you Uncle John, and keep writing the good books!”

  —Sarah

  “I love the Bathroom Readers. They give me random trivia for class and help me look smart.”

  —Dylan

  “Hi, my name is Steven. I’ve read Top Secret Bathroom Reader, Book of Fun, the first Kids Only, and love them all! I can’t wait until the next one. Thank you Uncle John, Porter, and everyone else in the Bathroom Readers’ Institute for making my life so much better!”

  —Steven

  By the Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  Ashland, Oregon, and San Diego, California

  UNCLE JOHN’S

  FACTS TO ANNOY YOUR TEACHER

  BATHROOM READER FOR KIDS ONLY

  Copyright © 2009 by Portable Press. All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  “Bathroom Reader,” “Portable Press,” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor, Inc. All rights reserved.

  For information, write the Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520

  www.bathroomreader.com

  e-mail: [email protected]

  ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-668-5

  E-book edition: September 2012

  10 11 12 13 14 15 8 7 6 5 4 3 2

  THANK YOU!

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute thanks the following people whose help made this book possible.

  Gordon Javna

  Gordon Javna

  JoAnn Padgett

  Melinda Allman

  Andy Peterson

  Brian Boone

  Dan Mansfield

  Jeff Altemus

  Amy Miller

  Jay Newman

  Michael Brunsfeld

  Julia Papps

  Myles Callum

  Vickey Kalambakal

  Cathy Hall

  Debbie Pawlak

  Katherine Butler

  Katy Duffield

  Leslie Elman

  Rose Kivi

  Liana Mahoney

  Jenny Burr

  Louise Peacock

  J. Carroll

  Jennifer Mercer

  Peggy Deland

  Malcolm Hillgartner

  Terry Miller Shannon

  Kathryn Grogman

  Suzanne Francis

  William I. Lengeman

  Amy L. and Lisa M.

  Monica Maestas

  Sydney Stanley

  David Cully

  Ginger Winters

  Jennifer Frederick

  David Calder

  Karen Malchow

  Erin Corbin

  R. R. Donnelley

  Sophie and Bea

  Porter the Wonder Dog

  Hiya Brendan! Hiya Max! Hiya Kelly!

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject:

  Short: A quick read

  Medium: 2 pages

  Long: 3 to 4 pages (That’s not too long, is it?)

  9 PRANKS TO DRIVE YOUR TEACHER CRAZY

  Short

  How to Make a Spitball

  Medium

  How to Makea Voodoo Doll

  Who Said That?

  Cool Card Tricks

  Ready, Set, Fly!

  Abracadabra! (It’s Science)

  Fart, Fart, Whistle

  How to Make a Bloody Eyeball

  How to Make Chocolate Bugs

  GROSS STUFF

  Short

  The Dirt on Dirt

  Ewww! Boogers!

  Mmmm Brains

  Smelly Science

  Fart Facts

  Medium

  Sweat 101

  Long

  Toenails

  This Story Really Stinks!

  MOUTHING OFF

  Short

  Wise Guys

  Freethinkers

  Dim Stars

  Bright Stars

  COWGIRLS AND COWBOYS

  Medium

  Wild (West) Child

  Long

  Ride ’Em, Cowgirl!

  Saddle Up!

  KOOKY GROWN-UPS

  Medium

  The Fart Man

  The Presidents’ Report Cards

  You Are So Annoying!

  Long

  The House that Sarah Built

  Walk on Water

  All Aboard the Junk Raft!

  Bear Haven

  JOKES, GAMES, AND PUZZLES

  Short

  Who Am I?

  Toon-emies

  Brainteasers

  Annoying Jokes

  Yuk, Yuk, Yuk

  Medium

  Drive Your Teacher Nuts

  15 Ways to Get Detention

  UNCLE JOHN’S MYSTERIES

  Medium

  The Case of the Kidnapped Kid

  The Case of the Gooey Spitball

  GREAT ESCAPES

  Long

  Let Me Outta Here!

  Escaping the Rock

  Beyond the Wall

  TALES THE TEACHER TOLD

  Short

  Wrong Facts

  Wrong Facts

  Wrong Facts

  Bad Advice

  Wrong Facts

  Wrong Facts

  Medium

  Myth-conceptions

  Long

  The Great Railroad Ruse

  The Truth About Sea Monsters

  Does Money Grow on Trees?

  PLEASE RAISE YOUR HAND

  Medium

  Ask the Experts

  Long

  Animal Crazy

  FIELD TRIP

  Medium

  Museums That Are Fun!

  Welcome to Wormtown

  Thumper Meets Bumper

  Crazy Contests

  Le McDonald’s

  Things to Do if You’re Dead

  COOL HISTORY

  Medium

  Fly
ing High

  Long

  The Real Red Baron

  They Were Ahead of Their Time

  First Day on the Job

  The Great Houdini

  Code Talkers

  OOPS!

  Short

  Sports Stupidity

  Dumb Crooks

  Change the Name!

  Bizarre News

  Blooper Reel

  Medium

  25 Ways to Spell Shaxberd

  Science Goofs

  Dumb Crooks

  Long

  Presidential Goofs

  GOLD DIGGERS

  Medium

  Real Treasure Hunting

  Another Real Treasure Hunt

  Dig Like an Egyptian

  Long

  Blackbeard’s Loot

  KID POWER

  Medium

  Kids Rule!

  Toys = Money in the Bank

  Long

  Fairy Tale

  Beating the Grown-ups

  We’ve Got Rights

  FOR THE RECORD

  Short

  Record Breakers

  Medium

  Bizarre Records

  The Smallest

  The Biggest

  IF ANIMALS RULED THE WORLD

  Medium

  Bizarre Animal Acts

  Sting and Bite

  Ruff Politics

  Copycats

  More Bizarre Animal Acts

  SHHHH

  Short

  Gossip!

  Bad Words

  More Bad Words

  Medium

  Star Secrets

  Mischief Makers

  STAY IN SCHOOL

  Medium

  Banned Books

  Go to College for Free!

  Cheaters Who Won

  Dropouts Can Succeed

  Long

  Schools of the Air

  Dirty Work

  JUST FOR FUN

  Short

  Circus Superstitions

  To the Nines

  Hobo Slang

  Scaredy-cat

  Medium

  Old Rules

  Toy Stories

  Online Fun

  Long

  Spot of Mystery

  FAST FOOD

  Short

  The King’s Menu

  Medium

  Freaky Food

  Nuts!

  Delicious or Disgusting?

  Big Bites

  X-treme Eating

  Don’t Spit Out That Gum!

  Long

  Hole in One

  Quiz Answers

  * * *

  SCHOOL DAZE

  “Thank goodness I was never sent to school; it would have rubbed off some of the originality.”

  —Beatrix Potter, author

  “The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.”

  —Tom Bodett, author

  “School’s a weird thing. I’m not sure it works.”

  —Johnny Depp

  GREETINGS FROM UNCLE JOHN

  PSST!

  This book is your secret weapon. You see, adults like to pretend that they know all the answers. But we know they don’t really. For example, ask your teacher or your dad or your friend’s mom (or your friend’s teacher’s mom) why people drive on a parkway but park in a driveway. They’ll probably look confused and blurt out, “Because that’s the way it is!” But after reading Uncle John’s Facts to Annoy Your Teacher, you’ll be able to tell them why. (And if they get annoyed by being outsmarted by a kid, that’s a bonus!)

  This book is yours. Do whatever you want with it. Draw cartoons in the corners of the pages, mark up the puzzles, color in the pictures. And all the while, you’ll absorb the fascinating information we’ve gathered for you. How can we be so sure? We’ve been making Bathroom Readers for kids for a long time, and they’ve all passed the “it doesn’t suck” test. Here’s just some of what’s inside:

  •You want gross? We’ve got gross. The man who “sang” with farts, booger-licking bison, sweaty facts, and a trip to the vomitorium. (Yuck!)

  •Rebellious kids. The girls whose tale of real fairies baffled grown-ups, the future president who got sent to the principal’s office, and a nine-year-old professional guitar player. Oh, and a kid who squirts milk out of his eyes.

  •Surefire ways to annoy people. Learn to speak hobo, make a bloody eyeball, build a better spitball, and play your armpits.

  •History that isn’t boring. An escape from Alcatraz, the guy who invented Mr. Potato Head, the origin of the doughnut, and pirate treasure that’s still waiting to be found.

  But be warned: After you read this book, you’ll be smarter than most of the people around you. And as Spider-Man’s uncle once said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” (Or was that what Porter the Wonder Dog told me when he sent me to the store for his favorite dog biscuits?) Anyway, it’s your solemn duty to annoy those around you with your newfound wisdom. Speak to them gently, since their brains may not be able to comprehend facts of this magnitude.

  Now it’s time to dive into the most fun and fact-filled books in the history of books! (Okay, maybe one of the most.) Happy reading. And as always, Go with the Flow!

  —Uncle John, the BRI Staff, and Porter the Wonder Dog

  Shameless plug: www.bathroomreader.com

  WRONG FACTS

  Teachers say a lot of things.

  Not all of them are true.

  FACT? Cinco de Mayo (May 5) is Mexico’s version of the Fourth of July.

  WRONG! Cinco de Mayo is more widely celebrated in the United States than in Mexico, where it’s pretty much confined to the south-central state of Puebla. Not only is it not a major holiday, it’s not even Mexico’s independence day. Cinco de Mayo commemorates the 1862 Battle of Puebla, in which the Mexican army fought back an invasion by France. Mexico’s actual independence day—celebrating its freedom from Spain—is on September 16.

  FACT? George Washington had wooden teeth.

  WRONG! In 2005, the National Museum of Dentistry performed tests on four sets of dentures known and proven to have been used by the first president of the United States. The findings: The false teeth contained a variety of materials…but no wood. Washington’s various chompers were made out of combinations of gold, horse teeth, donkey teeth, hippopotamus tusks, and even human teeth. They were held together with metal springs, screws, and bolts.

  Flamingos build their nests with mouthfuls of mud.

  WISE GUYS

  Cool advice from some cool guys.

  “In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.”

  —Bill Cosby

  “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”

  —Charles M. Schulz

  “I don’t know what my calling is, but I want to be here for a bigger reason. I strive to be like the greatest people who have ever lived.”

  —Will Smith

  “Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.”

  —Dave Barry

  “Nothing to me feels as good as laughing incredibly hard.”

  —Steve Carell

  “The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.”

  —Homer Simpson

  “You get ideas from daydreaming. You get ideas from being bored. You get ideas all the time.”

  —Neil Gaiman

  Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

  —Mark Twain

  7/5 of people do not understand fractions.

  FREAKY FOOD

  You won’t find fried tarantulas in your cafeteria—unless you live in Cambodia. Some people have all the luck!

  PICKLED BEET BURGERS

&
nbsp; Welcome to Australia—home of kangaroos, dingoes, and…beetroot burgers? Beets, which Australians call “beetroot,” are as common a condiment on burgers Down Under as lettuce and tomato are in the United States. According to beetroot-burger lovers, a slice of the cooked or pickled veggie adds “extra juiciness and an earthy flavor.” Folks who are anti-beet, of course, mention the fact that beets “taste like dirt” as the number-one reason not to include them. The number-two reason? Try getting a beet-juice stain out of your clothes. (A special treat: burgers in Sydney, Australia, often come with beets…and a fried egg.)

  FRIED TARANTULAS

  Among the best-known delicacies in Cambodia are a-ping, or fried tarantulas. And the town that’s made a name for itself by producing the best quality a-ping is Skun, about 46 miles northeast of the country’s capital, Phnom Penh. Tourists and Cambodians flock to Skun every summer when the tarantulas are in season. (The fattest and most plentiful are found in the forest near the town.) Be sure to eat them like the locals: fried to kill the spider’s venom and then dipped in a mixture of garlic and salt. According to some Cambodians, fried tarantulas are tastier than American fast food.

  Q: Who is Miley Cyrus’s godmother?

  A: Dolly Parton.

  ROASTED ANTS

  If you went to a movie theater in Colombia and wanted to fit in, you wouldn’t order popcorn. You’d ask for this traditional Colombian snack: a paper cone filled with roasted ants. One tourist said that they are “delicious when salted.”

  * * *

  THIS MIGHT MAKE YOU GAG

  Throwing up after a big meal was considered to be a status symbol in ancient Rome because it showed off your wealth. If you ate so much that you made yourself sick, you were clearly better off than the lower classes, who hardly had enough money to buy food at all. (Even Julius Caesar liked to vomit after a big dinner.) But contrary to popular belief, the Romans didn’t vomit in vomitoriums. Why? A vomitorium was actually a passageway in a theater or sports arena that people would “spew out of” when the play or event was over.

  Hilarious edibles? Comedian George Carlin once said that kumquats and guacamole were foods that sounded “too funny to eat.”