Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader@ Read online




  Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader@

  Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  Portable Press (2012)

  * * *

  * * *

  By the

  Bathroom Readers’

  Institute

  Bathroom Readers’ Press

  Ashland, Oregon

  OUR “REGULAR”

  READERS RAVE!

  “Keep up the good work. I love your books and have almost every one of them. I got my Mom and Dad hooked on them two years ago, and my brother and wife recently started reading as well.”

  —Jon

  “You guys are amazing! I love fun trivia facts and history. My favorite thing about your book is that it is so random and funny.”

  —John

  “I love your books. They’re very educational and highly entertaining. I never want to set them down until I finish them. Keep them coming.”

  —Roland

  “Just a note to tell you that I’ve really enjoyed all 22 editions!”

  —Michael

  “I love Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers! I annoy everyone at school, my weirdo cousin, and my parents with your completely useless information. And it isn’t all useless. During school we do trivia, and I answer almost all of them correctly!”

  —Megan

  “I just wanted to say thank you for the book. I read it every day—it’s become my ‘Bathroom Bible.’”

  —Katherine

  “You guys are so amazingly smart! How do you know all this stuff? Like, come on, all the stuff I learned in Did You Know? and Facts to Annoy Your Teacher made me look just like Einstein!”

  —Bobby

  UNCLE JOHN’S HEAVY DUTY

  BATHROOM READER®

  Copyright © 2010 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  “Bathroom Reader,” “Portable Press,” and “Bathroom Readers’

  Institute” are

  registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor. All rights reserved.

  For information, write:

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  P.O. Box 1117,

  Ashland, OR 97520

  www.bathroomreader.com

  Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld, San Rafael, CA ([email protected])

  BRI “technician” on the back cover: Larry Kelp

  eISBN: 978-1-60710-650-0

  E-book edition: June 2012

  Hiya, Sophie! Hiya, Jesse!

  THANK YOU!

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.

  Gordon Javna

  John Dollison

  Brian Boone

  Jay Newman

  Thom Little

  Amy Miller

  Michael Brunsfeld

  Angela Kern

  Jolly Jeff Cheek

  Jack Mingo

  Erin Barrett

  Jahnna Beecham

  Malcolm Hillgartner

  Megan Todd

  Judy Plapinger

  William Dooling

  Jill Bellrose

  Mikael Levin

  Elizabeth Harvey

  Michael Kerr

  Christine DeGueron

  James Greene Jr.

  Leslie Weishar

  Scarab Media

  Amelia & Greta Zeve

  Claudia Bauer

  Geri Gale

  Gary Morris

  JoAnn Padgett

  Melinda Allman

  Monica Maestas

  Amy & Annie

  Ginger Winters

  Maggie Javna

  Matt Ofsanik

  Tom “Yellow” Mustard

  Sydney Stanley

  David Calder

  Karen Malchow

  Elise Gochberg

  Julie Bégin

  Media Masters

  Eddie Deezen

  Publishers Group West

  Bloomsbury Books

  Raincoast Books

  Porter the Wonder Dog

  Thomas Crapper

  Hiya, Sam! Hiya, Gideon!

  CONTENTS

  Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.

  Short—a quick read

  Medium—2 to 3 pages

  Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required

  * Extended—for those leg-numbing experiences

  BATHROOM LORE

  Short

  Pot-tastrophes

  Medium

  Stalls of Terror

  The #2 Amendment

  Famous for 15…Eww!

  The #2 Amendment

  Uncle John’s Stall of Shame

  POP SCIENCE

  Medium

  Dino Chow

  Unobtainiums

  How to Crack a Safe, Part I

  Volcano Moon

  How to Crack a Safe, Part II

  How to Crack a Safe, Part III

  TV OR NOT TV

  Medium

  Cancelled! Wait…

  Meet Omar Shamshoon

  No Finale

  Mmm…Words

  Dead TV

  FORGOTTEN HISTORY

  Short

  Prankelangelo

  Medium

  The Datar Flop

  Dustbin of History: Thomas Meagher

  Long

  Dustbin of History: The Pearl Harbor Spy, Part I

  Resigned in Protest

  Dustbin of History: The Pearl Harbor Spy, Part II

  SPORTS

  Short

  Jersey Numbers

  Baseball Contracts

  Medium

  Olympic Pranksters

  NASCAR-tastrophies

  Odd Sports

  Ejected from the Olympics

  Dumb Jock Crimes

  The Florida White Sox

  The Other Olympics

  FADS & FLOPS

  Short

  Funny Business

  Medium

  Ch-ch-ch-Chia!

  Product Flops

  Meat the Beats

  IT’S A BLUNDERFUL LIFE

  Short

  Embarrassed in the E.R.

  Pasteur Cured Rabbis

  Hang Up the Phone!

  “9-1-Dumb, What’s Your Emergency?”

  Don’t Drink and _______

  Real Test Answers

  Medium

  Little Things Mean a Lot

  “9-1-Dumb, What’s Your Emergency?”

  Oops!

  YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

  Medium

  Govern-mental

  Don’t Call Me Liz

  Poli-Talks

  BODY OF KNOWLEDGE

  Short

  Dreamy Facts

  Odd-Phrodisiacs

  Brain Power

  Medium

  I Stink, Therefore I Am

  I Burp, Therefore I Am

  Long

  *Peoples and Their Diseases

  AMERICANA

  Short

  What It Cost in 1980

  Medium

  City Lights

  His Rotundity

  Long

  The Strange Fate of Big Nose George

  *The Fearless Wonders

  HI-TECH BITS & BYTES

  Short

  Big Brother 2.0

  Medium

  Dot Bombs

  Cyber Cowboys

  CREATURE FE
ATURES

  Short

  Aamazing Aardvarks

  How to Tickle a Trout

  Weird Fish Stories

  Medium

  185 Uses for a Pig

  Weird Animal News

  Turtle Stories

  Do You Speak Dog?

  Do You Speak Dog?

  Long

  *Uncle John’s Ants

  BUSINE$$

  Short

  It Ain’t From There

  (M)ad Men

  Medium

  The Mall: A History, Part I

  Thinking Outside the Box

  Children of the Corn

  Long

  A History of the Shopping Mall, Part II

  The Cubicle

  A History of the Shopping Mall, Part III

  A History of the Shopping Mall, Part IV

  HUT, HUT, HIKE!

  Medium

  The Packers Are in His Blood

  The Madden Curse

  Super Bowl I

  The Super Bowl Can Kill You

  College Rivals

  FOOD & DRINK

  Short

  Pink Ping Pong

  Gross Cocktails

  How________ Got to Japan

  Cereal Facts

  Medium

  Who Needs Bread?

  Salem Witch Trials: The Fungus Theory

  How to Make Prison Wine

  Eat the World, Part I

  Eat the World, Part II

  Long

  The Physics of Breakfast Cereal

  THE PRINTED WORD

  Short

  Give Me a Sign!

  Flubbed Headlines

  KISS and Make-Up

  Superhero Flops

  Bumper Stickers

  Medium

  Once Upon a Time…

  Long

  *Defunct Magazines

  ORIGINS

  Short

  You’re My Inspiration

  Founding Fathers

  Medium

  The Name’s Familiar

  Inventors, U.K.

  LAW & ORDER

  Short

  Dumb Crooks

  Medium

  Strange Lawsuits

  Weird Crime

  Hip-Hop Lawsuits

  Dumb Crooks

  Long

  The Missing-Children Milk Carton Program

  *Falsely Accused

  INVENTING LANGUAGE

  Medium

  Let’s Speak Esperanto

  Long

  La Historio da Esperanto, Part I

  Esperanto, Parto Du

  Esperanto, Parto Tri

  Do You Speak Láadan?

  MUSEUM OF BATHROOMOLOGY

  Medium

  Art That Poops

  Poop That’s Art

  Long

  The Lloyds Bank Turd

  WORD & PHRASE ORIGINS

  Short

  Neologisms

  Modern Words…Not!

  Medium

  Lock and Load

  Word Origins

  It’s Greek to Us

  Word Origins

  VANISHED!

  Medium

  The Lost Explorers: Mungo Park

  The Lost Explorers: Percy Fawcett

  The Lost Explorers: Ludwig Leichhardt

  The Lost Explorers: Salomon Andrée

  IT’S A CONSIPRACY!

  Medium

  The Anthrax Attacks, Part I

  The Anthrax Attacks, Part II

  Joe Stalin vs. John Wayne, Part I

  It’s a Conspiracy!

  Long

  The Anthrax Attacks, Part III

  The Anthrax Attacks, Part IV

  *Numbers on the Radio

  Joe Stalin vs. John Wayne, Part II

  MUSIC

  Medium

  Lost (and Found) Albums

  Keith Moon, Bathroom Bomber

  Song-Wrongers

  Last Concerts

  Behind the Riff

  Odd Musicals

  Last Concerts, Part II

  Behind the Love Songs

  Show Stoppers

  THAT’S DEATH

  Short

  Cause of Death

  Medium

  When You Gotta Go…

  Last Words

  Died in the Can

  Postmortems

  POP-POURRI

  Short

  The Last…

  Happy Waffle Iron Day!

  Uncle John’s Page of Lists

  The Only Time…

  13 Facts About the Witch Hazel Tree

  The Monty Hall Paradox

  Medium

  Q&A: Ask the Experts

  Egg Addlers and Pajama Police

  Dustbin of (Cartoon) History

  11 Fictional Doctors

  Q&A: Ask the Experts

  REEL LIFE

  Medium

  Fight Club, Starring Russell Crowe

  Godfather, Meet the Godfather

  Act Your Age

  Not Coming to a Theater Near You

  The Portmanteau Movie Quiz

  The Worst Movie of All Time?

  Basic Instinct, Starring Jodie Foster

  TOYS & GAMES

  Short

  Fact-opoly

  A Toy Is Born

  Medium

  Arcade Ire

  Long

  *Behind the Magic 8-Ball

  FRIEND OR FOWL?

  Medium

  Bird Brains, Part I

  How to Hypnotize a Chicken

  Bird Brains, Part III

  Long

  Bird Brains, Part II

  INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS

  Short

  Welcome to Druk Yul

  Medium

  Why They Don’t Speak Spanish in Rio

  Other Leaning Towers

  Weird Canada

  The Nanny State Quiz

  MYTHS & LEGENDS

  Short

  Do Do That Voodoo!

  Myth-Conceptions

  Omens

  Medium

  Myth-Conceptions

  The Master Hoaxer

  Hoop Snakes and Splinter Cats

  Whopperknockers and Sand Squinks

  MONEY, MONEY, MONEY

  Medium

  How Not to Rob a Bank

  Bank Error in Your Favor, Part I

  Bank Error in Your Favor, Part II

  MOUTHING OFF

  Short

  Suffering Fools

  To Tell the Truth

  A Virus With Shoes

  Don’t Be Afraid…

  Stand-Up Folks

  Kurt’s Cuts

  “Mind Over Mattress”

  Pun-liners

  Complaints Dept.

  PUBLIC LIVES

  Short

  Phobias of the Famous

  Sheetheads

  Medium

  Celebs’ Good Deeds

  Missed It by That Much

  Unlikely Inventors

  People You Thought Were Americans

  Family Business

  Flakes on a Plane

  Smart and Talented

  LIFE IS STRANGE

  Short

  Tatt-oops!

  Crossed Paths

  Medium

  Bad News/Good News

  Lucky Finds

  Eat My…

  It’s a Weird, Weird World

  Ironic, Isn’t It?

  Huh?

  Ready…Set…Hurl!

  Bad News/Good News

  It’s a Weird, Weird World

  PLANES, TRAINS & AUTOMOBILES

  Short

  Fatal Flight Firsts

  Medium

  The Pee-Mobile

  Just Plane Weird

  Flying Blind

  Pilot (T)error

  Long

  Short Story: The Mini

  *From Audi 5000 to Zunndapp Janus

  WORDPLAY

  Short

  When Words Collide

  Retronyms
r />   Guilt by Association

  Amazing Anagrams

  Missing Links Word Game

  Knock-Knock Jokes

  Guilt by Association

  They Might Be Fed Up

  Know Your Butts

  Violet Precipitation

  Medium

  Ol’ Jaybeard and Brian

  Long

  *Pop-Culture Alphabet

  Answer Pages

  INTRODUCTION

  GREETINGS, FELLOW TRIVIA HOUNDS!

  As we scramble to finish our latest (and our favorite-ever) Bathroom Reader, I’m reminded of a question that I hear a lot: “Aren’t you guys afraid you’ll run out of stuff to write about?”

  The answer is a big, fat no.

  We’re more concerned that we’re not going to live long enough to write about everything we plan to write about. (For example, in next year’s Bathroom Reader we’re going to include an amazing article about…on second thought, why spoil the surprise?) For us, every day is another fantastic opportunity to plunge into the depths of science, history, current events, language, sports, and pop culture. To explore strange, new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go… (Oops. I got carried away again.)

  But what’s even more gratifying than hunting and gathering all the great information that goes into Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader is paring it all down to its most absorbing elements and passing it along to you.

  So without further ado, here are a just a few of the Heavy Duty duty topics you’ll find in this book:

  • When Words Collide: Pun-ishing quotes, a guide to “butt” words, phrases coined on The Simpsons, and Esperanto—the invented language that was supposed to bring about world peace

  • Flubs and Flops: The best worst movie ever, the Wicked Witch who fell through the stage, and Michelangelo’s dirty little secrets

  • Throne Room Tales: Toilet mishaps (as told by ER docs), an interesting “morsel” of archaeology called the Lloyd’s Bank Turd, poop that’s art, and art that poops

  • Oddities Galore: The Whopperknocker and other mythical beasties, the strange fate of Big Nose George’s skull cap, some other famous leaning towers, and how to make prison wine

  • Pop Science: The healing powers of witch hazel, all about anthrax, the solar system’s most violent moon, what the dinosaurs ate, and the physics of breakfast cereal

  • Origins: The Mini Cooper, the Magic 8-ball, the office cubicle, the shopping mall, and the Ch-ch-ch-chia pet!

  • History Unleashed: Intrepid explorers who never returned, the Mohawk “skywalkers” who built New York’s City’s skyscrapers, and the man who made Pearl Harbor a “day that will live in infamy”

  • The Sporting Life: The weightlifter who ate himself out of the Olympics, the dangers of watching the Super Bowl, NASCAR’s most dangerous family, and Rollie Fingers’ $300 mustache

  • Creature Features: The powerful brains of birds, the complex societies of ants, a devil of a turtle, 185 uses for a pig (would you believe…train brakes?), and the secret language of dogs

  And speaking of dogs, I’m going to forego the usual thanking of the inhouse and outhouse BRI staff (Great job, everyone!) and take a moment to say thanks to the Bathroom Reader’s best friend, Porter the Wonder Dog. You’ve been our loyal companion since…well, before we even had an e-mail address. Thanks for your love, your cuteness, your tricks, and your sticking by my side on all those long nights of writing and editing. Porter, you give real meaning to the phrase “good dog.” Oh, yes you do!