Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Wonderful World of Odd Read online

  Uncle John's

  BATHROOM

  READER®

  By the

  Bathroom Readers’

  Institute

  Bathroom Readers’ Press

  Ashland, Oregon

  UNCLE JOHN’S

  BATHROOM READER

  WONDERFUL WORLD OF ODD®

  Copyright © 2006 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press

  (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be used or reproduced

  in any manner whatsoever without written permission,

  except in the case of brief quotations embodied

  in critical articles or reviews.

  “Bathroom Reader” and “Bathroom Readers’

  Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor.

  All rights reserved.

  For information, write:

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  P.O. Box 1117

  Ashland, OR 97520

  www.bathroomreader.com

  888-488-4642

  Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld,

  San Rafael, CA ([email protected])

  Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader

  Wonderful World of Odd®

  by the Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-464-3

  E-book edition: November 2011

  THANK YOU!

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.

  Gordon Javna

  John Dollison

  Amy Miller

  Brian Boone

  Thom Little

  Jay Newman

  Julia Papps

  Angela Kern

  Michael Brunsfeld

  Carole Quandt

  Claudia Bauer

  Sydney Stanley

  JoAnn Padgett

  Scarab Media

  Connie Vazquez

  Kristine Hemp

  Nancy Toeppler

  Mary Lou GoForth

  Laurel Graziano

  Mana, Dylan & Chandra

  Publishers Group West

  Banta Corp.

  (Mr.) Mustard Press

  Maggie Javna

  Jeff Cheek

  Bruce Carlson

  Ed Polish

  Eddie Deezen

  Malcolm Hillgartner

  Jahnna Beecham

  Melinda A. (hi, Melinda!)

  Steven Style Group

  Shobha Grace

  Michelle Sedgwick

  Joel & Ann Horowitz

  Ricky Meatball

  Raincoast Books

  Chris Olsen

  Porter the Wonder Dog

  Thomas Crapper

  * * *

  CELEBRITY TRIVIA

  Q: What do Adam West, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Oprah Winfrey, Steve Martin, Groucho Marx, Dick Clark, John Ritter, Sally Field, Phil Hartman, Farrah Fawcett, and Andy Kaufman have in common?

  A: They all appeared on the game show The Dating Game.

  CONTENTS

  INTRODUCTION

  BATHROOM NEWS

  Animal Bathroom News

  Odd Bathroom News

  Uncle John’s Stall of Fame

  RICH, FAMOUS & ODD

  Being Elvis Presley

  Kooky Stars

  I Was Marilyn Monroe

  Celebrity Death Conspiracies

  Love Me Tender

  ODD OF THE PAST

  The Strangest Disaster of the 20th Century, Part I

  The Great London Smog of 1952

  Welcome to College! (Now Get Undressed), Part I

  Historically Strange

  Looney Lords

  Project Acoustic Kitty

  The Strangest Disaster of the 20th Century, Part II

  Shanghaied!

  Apocalypse? Nah

  Welcome to College! (Now Get Undressed), Part II

  The Prince of Whales

  The Strangest Disaster of the 20th Century, Part III

  SCIENCE, SORT OF…

  Strange Statistics

  According to the Latest Research

  Smithsonian Fun

  Wrinkles in Time

  Welcome to the Mütter Museum

  LIFE IS STRANGE

  Didn’t See That Coming

  Amazing Coincidences

  Just Plane Weird

  Weird Finds

  Just Plane Weird

  Amazing Luck

  Here’s a Really Strange Idea

  Ironic, Isn’t It?

  Amazing Tales of Survival

  Random Acts of Oddness

  ODD ON FILM

  Lost TV Pilots

  Join the Bad Film Society

  Cinema Odd

  The Beast From the Bad Film Society

  CREATURE FEATURES

  Weird Canine Stomach News

  Allicracker

  When Pigs…

  Like the Animals Do

  Animal Oddities

  In Search of New Species

  The Cow Whisperer

  THAT’S DEATH

  The Weirdest Grave in the West

  Now That You’re Dead

  Odd to the Last Drop

  What a Way to Go!

  I’m Not Dead Yet!

  IT’S A WEIRD, WEIRD WORLD

  Let There Be Light

  Weird Hotels

  Politics: It’s No Laughing Matter

  It’s an Odd World After All

  Beheading the Goose

  The Saga of Sealand

  Jesus in Shingo

  ODD OFF THE PRESSES

  Bin Laden Is a Woman!

  Leading Ledes

  Classifieds

  Flubbed Headlines

  Odd Off the Presses

  PEOPLE ARE STRANGE

  Super Powers

  The Dog Girl

  Strange Obsessions

  Signs of Genius?

  Doctor Strange, Love

  World Nudes Tonight

  Know Your Phobias

  He Voodooed the Prez

  Incident at Havering

  YOU GONNA EAT THAT?

  Let’s Talk Turkey

  Oh No! It’s Jell-O!

  Uh-oh, What’s That in the Freezer?

  Thumb Salad

  Mmm…Chicken Heads

  Freaky Foods From Around the World

  Theme Restaurants

  What’s for Thorrablot?

  REALLY OUT THERE

  The Ufologists

  David Icke and the Lizard People

  Close Encounters of the Credible Kind

  Aliens: What Will They Look Like?

  Mythical Creatures

  The Curse of Macbeth

  ODD BODIES

  Medieval Medicine

  Odd Disorders

  You Want a Piece of Me?

  CRAZY LOVE

  Marry Me!

  Love, Marriage, and Other Strange Things

  Love Is Strange

  ODD ART, ODD MUSIC

  Strange Bands

  In the Name of Art

  Eccentric Artists

  Red Rocker

  In the Name of Art

  PR-ODD-UCTS

  Chindogu

  40 Odd Uses for WD-40

  My Pet Fat

  Weight Loss Quackery

  Weirdmart

  New Products

  Made in Japan

  WEIRD SPORTS & GAMES

  Odd, Odd World of Baseball Injuries

  The Weird World of Sports

  Games People Play

  Flushmate

&nbs
p; Weird Toy Ads of Yesteryear

  Pac-Manhattan

  Rock, Paper, Scissors

  Let's Play StreetWars!

  Video Games

  IT’S A BLUNDERFUL LIFE

  An “E” for Effort

  Oops!

  Oops!

  CRIMINALLY ODD

  You Stole What, Now?

  Hey, I Recognize That Butt Crack!

  Weird Crime News

  Hey! I’m Being Attacked With…

  Smile: You’re on Bait Car!

  Kooky Crooks

  INTERNATIONAL ODD

  Weird Britain

  Weird Romania

  Weird India

  Weird Europe

  Weird Africa

  Weird Japan

  Weird China

  Weird Mexico

  Weird Russia

  Weird Canada

  Weird America

  Weird Australia

  Weird Germany

  WEIRD WORDS

  Odd Books

  Why Don’t We Have a Word for That?

  The Best Bad Writing

  How Do You Say… “Mullet”?

  Obsolete Word Quiz

  CREEPY-CRAWLIES

  Insect Oddities

  The Better to Bite You With

  What’s Eatin’ You?

  I’ve Got a Secret(ion)

  ODDS & ENDS

  Mannequin Madness

  It’s a Conspiracy!

  That’s Entertainment?

  Beyond Bizarre

  INTRODUCTION

  HURRY, HURRY, STEP RIGHT UP!

  We at the Bathroom Readers’ Institute have always had a hungry appetite for collecting and reporting tales of the odd: odd music, odd science, odd art, odd sports, odd history. And happily, we’ve found over the years that our readers love these odd stories as much as we enjoy sharing them. So, at the urging of our loyal fans—and not without a modicum of devilish glee—we present for your enjoyment Uncle John’s Wonderful World of Odd, a collection of the strangest people, the most unusual animals, and the weirdest events you’ll ever witness. Stare with amazement at:

  • The mysterious lake that “erupted”—and killed every living thing for miles around

  • The weirdest—and worst—movies ever made

  • The chess championship that was almost lost—over a bathroom break

  • Mannequins and the people who love them

  • The wildest and weirdest insects: bizarre mouthparts, strange behavior, and real “bug juice” (not for the squeamish!)

  You’ll see thrills and chills, tall tales, impossible aliens, royal weirdoes, bizarre conspiracy theories, and foods you’d probably rather read about than eat.

  Many thanks to the menagerie of contributors to this odd endeavor, including the death-defying acts in the center ring: Amy “Monstrous” Miller, Barfin’ Brian Boone, John “The Juggler” Dollison, Too-Tall Thom Little, Julia Papps and Her Invisible Friends, and “Gentleman” Jay Newman.

  Keep on reading. And as always,

  Go with the Flow!

  —Uncle John, Porter the Wonder Dog, and the BRI staff

  STRANGE BANDS

  There are thousands of musicians out there vying for radio airplay and your CD-buying dollar, so every band has to make itself stand out somehow. Here are some that rely on elaborate gimmicks.

  THE FIRST VIENNESE VEGETABLE ORCHESTRA

  This nine-member Austrian group plays instruments made completely out of fresh vegetables, including carrot flutes, eggplant drums, and a “gurkaphone” (a hollow cucumber with a carrot mouthpiece and green-pepper bell). At the conclusion of live performances, the Orchestra chops up its instruments and makes a soup, which is shared with the audience.

  MAX Q

  It’s the world’s only soft-rock band made up entirely of former astronauts. All six members flew on the NASA Space Shuttle in the 1980s and 1990s. They play mostly love songs about space and alienation. “Max Q” refers to the maximum air pressure experienced in the Shuttle moments after blastoff.

  HORSE THE BAND

  This American group plays super-fast, super-heavy versions of the instrumental music from 1980s-era Nintendo video games, such as Super Mario Brothers and The Legend of Zelda.

  GWAR

  The band dresses in elaborate rubber ogre and monster costumes and takes stage names like “Oderus Urungus,” “Flattus Maximus,” and “Beefcake the Mighty.” GWAR plays hard-driving heavy metal songs (such as “Maggots” and “Death Pod”). Their stage show includes staged deaths and buckets of fake vomit and blood that they throw at the audience.

  MUSCLE FACTORY

  First, the tank-top-and-spandex-shorts-clad sextet performs songs about weightlifting, such as “Pump to Failure” and “The Spotter.” Then they lift weights—on stage.

  In the Ukraine, it’s considered good luck if you find a spider web on Christmas morning.

  QNTAL

  Qntal is a German trio that sings haunting, medieval-style ballads about all sorts of historical events in Latin and ancient German dialects. They’re backed with a thumping drum machine. The name Qntal came to a group member in a dream.

  TRACHTENBERG FAMILY SLIDESHOW PLAYERS

  It’s an old-fashioned family band! Dad Jason plays guitar and sings lead, teenage daughter Rachel plays drums and sings backing vocals, and mom Tina operates the slide projector. Why slides? Their songs are based on picture slides, bought at garage sales and thrift stores, which are projected along with the songs.

  THE CANDY BAND

  Four former Detroit rock musicians who became stay-at-home moms started this band to entertain their restless children. Their songs are punk-rock covers of nursery rhymes, classic children’s songs, and kiddie TV show theme songs. (The Candy Band has actually performed on the Today show.)

  SUPER FURRY ANIMALS

  Playing psychedelic/electronic pop, with many songs sung in Welsh, SFA is extremely popular in England. What makes them so weird? During live shows, the band members—using secret special-effects technology—slowly morph into furry, hulking Sasquatches.

  ARNOCORPS

  Heavily inspired by Arnold Schwarzenegger, the “pioneers of action-adventure hardcore rock and roll” pretend to be action-adventure movie heroes from the mountains of Austria. They sing fake autobiographical songs about what it’s like to be an Austrian he-man.

  * * *

  “Nuclear-powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within ten years.”

  —Alex Lewyt, vacuum cleaner company executive, 1955

  The largest known bacterium can grow to the size of the period at the end of this sentence.

  BIN LADEN IS A WOMAN!

  …and other great (and real) tabloid newspaper headlines.

  MAN REINCARNATED AS HIMSELF

  Cubs Boost World Series Hopes With Holy Water

  Man Takes Out Restraining Order Against Imaginary Friend

  Gnomes of Death Lure Divers to Drowning Horror

  Prune Juice Makes You Stupid

  God’s Autograph Sells for $500 Million

  NEBRASKA DOESN’T EXIST, SAYS AUTHOR

  Blood-Sucking Dracula Squirrels Invade U.S.

  New Study Says “Stitch in Time” Saves Only 8

  GRIM REAPER TO RETIRE—PEOPLE WILL LIVE FOREVER!

  World’s Oldest Woman Thrives on Lard and Booze

  Jungle Tribe Worships Jay Leno’s Chin

  Massive Loch Ness Monster Fart Swamps Tourist Boat

  Earwax DNA Doesn’t Lie—Osama Bin Laden Is a Woman!

  Mr. Rogers’ Ghost Terrorizing Children!

  Beer Cans & Old Mattress Found on Mars

  ALIENS TRAVEL TO EARTH FOR CHINESE TAKEOUT

  VIKINGS WERE WIMPS!

  Hair Space Alien Lives on Donald Trump’s Head!

  Art Collector Buys Forged Art With Counterfeit Money

  Scientists Clone Jerry Springer

  Pope Has Super Powers!

  CREDIT CARD EXPLODES WHEN GAL GOES OVER
LIMIT

  A lynchobite is someone who works at night and sleeps during the day.

  ODD, ODD WORLD OF

  BASEBALL INJURIES

  Major-league ballplayers are big, tough manly-men who cannot be felled by any mere mortal destructive force…except for ice packs, donuts, sunflower seeds, and handshakes.

  • Catcher Mickey Tettleton of the Detroit Tigers went on the disabled list for athlete’s foot, which he got from habitually tying his shoes too tight.

  • Wade Boggs once threw out his back while putting on a pair of cowboy boots.

  • In 1993, Rickey Henderson missed several games because of frostbite—in August. He had fallen asleep on an ice pack.

  • Ken Griffey Jr. missed one game in 1994 due to a groin injury. (His protective cup had pinched one of his testicles.)

  • Atlanta pitcher John Smoltz once burned his chest. He’d ironed a shirt…while still wearing it.

  • Sammy Sosa missed a game because he threw out his back while sneezing.

  • While playing for Houston, Nolan Ryan couldn’t pitch after being bitten by a coyote.

  • Marty Cordova of the Baltimore Orioles went on the injured list after burning his face in a tanning bed.

  • Atlanta outfielder Terry Harper once waved a teammate home, then high-fived him. The act separated Harper’s shoulder.

  • Pitcher Phil Niekro hurt his hand…while shaking hands.

  • Milwaukee’s Steve Sparks once dislocated his shoulder attempting to tear a phone book in half.

  • San Francisco Giants manager Roger Craig cut his hand “undoing a bra strap.”

  • To look more menacing, Boston pitcher Clarence Blethen took out his false teeth during a game and put them in his back pocket. Later, while he was sliding into second base, the teeth clamped down and bit him on the butt.

  • When the San Diego Padres won the National League West in 2005, pitcher Jake Peavy jumped on top of the celebration pileup. He fractured a rib and had to sit out the entire playoff series.

  • Jose Cardenal missed a game for the Chicago Cubs because he had been kept awake all night by crickets chirping outside his hotel room.

  • Kevin Mitchell of the New York Mets hurt a tooth on a donut that had gotten too hot in a microwave. On another occasion, Mitchell pulled a muscle while vomiting.

  • Carlos Zambrano of the Chicago Cubs was on the disabled list after being diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome. Cause of condition: too many hours spent surfing the Internet.

  • Minnesota’s Terry Mulholland had to sit out a few games after he scratched his eye on a feather sticking out of a pillow.

  • Pitcher Greg Harris was flipping sunflower seeds into his mouth in the Texas Rangers bullpen. It strained his elbow.