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Uncle John’s True Crime
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By the
Bathroom Readers’
Institute
Bathroom Readers’ Press
Ashland, Oregon
UNCLE JOHN’S TRUE CRIME
Copyright © 2011 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press).
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. “Bathroom Reader,” “Portable Press,” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor. All rights reserved.
Articles in this edition have been included from the following books: Uncle John’s Ultimate Bathroom Reader © 1996; Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader © 1997; Uncle John’s Great Big Bathroom Reader © 1998; Uncle John’s Absolutely Absorbing Bathroom Reader © 1999; Uncle John’s All-Purpose Extra Strength Bathroom Reader © 2000; Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader © 2001; Uncle John’s Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader © 2002; Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader © 2003; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into Great Lives © 2003; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into the Presidency © 2004; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into Texas © 2004; Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader © 2004; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into History Again © 2004; Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader © 2005; Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader © 2006; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Wonderful World of Odd © 2006; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into Minnesota © 2006; Uncle John’s Tales to Inspire © 2006; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into Music © 2007; Uncle John’s Triumphant 20th Anniversary Bathroom Reader © 2007; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into Ohio © 2007; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Takes a Swing at Baseball© 2008; Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader © 2008; Uncle John’s Certified Organic Bathroom Reader © 2009; Uncle John’s Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader © 2009; Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader © 2010; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into Canada © 2010; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader History’s Lists © 2010; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader The World’s Gone Crazy © 2010; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into New York © 2011. Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Tunes Into TV © 2011.
For information, write:
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute, P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld, San Rafael, CA
([email protected])
eISBN: 978-1-60710-678-4
E-Book edition: September 2012
THANK YOU!
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.
Gordon Javna
Jay Newman
Amy Miller
Brian Boone
Kim Griswell
John Dollison
Thom Little
Michael Brunsfeld
Angela Kern
James Greene, Jr.
Dan Mansfield
JoAnn Padgett
Melinda Allman
Sydney Stanley
Monica Maestas
Annie Lam
Lilian Nordland
Ginger Winters
David Cully
Mustard Press
Erin Corbin
Publishers Group West
Raincoast Books
Felix the Crime Dog
Thomas Crapper
...and the many writers, editors, and other contributors who have helped make Uncle John the bathroom fixture he is today.
CONTENTS
Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.
Short—a quick read
Medium—2 to 3 pages, but still brief
Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required
*Extended—for those leg-numbing experiences
MYSTERIES
Medium
The Disappearance of Judge Crater
D. B. Cooper
The Disappearance of the Mary Celeste
Long
Was It...Murder?
Whodunit?
DISORGANIZED CRIME
Short
Is This Brain Loaded?
Monkey See, Monkey Do
Go Directly to Jail
Medium
Smugglers’ Blues
Dumb Crooks: Ohio Style
Caught in the Act
Lemme Explain...
Dumberer Crooks
EMERGENCY! (NOT)
Short
What’s the Number for 911?
Medium
Hamburger 911
Hello, 911?
LIAR, LIAR
Short
A Famous Phony
Draken to the Cleaners
Medium
The Beijing Tea Scam (and Other Cons)
Ethically Disabled
Long
The Great Diamond Hoax of 1872, Part I
The Great Diamond Hoax of 1872, Part II
The Nigerian Scam
WISEGUYS
Short
Uncle Zu’s Dictionary
Where’s Jimmy?
The Godmothers
Medium
Behind the (Mob) Hits
Not-So-Wiseguys
Yakuza!
The Yakuza Life
Long
Talk to the Sword
COPS
Short
Police Blotters
A Great Ape
Medium
Cops Gone Crazy
Long
They Always Get Their Man
COPS Story
Smile: You’re on Bait Car!
BEHIND BARS
Short
Kalashnikov Pat & the Helicopter Jailbreaks
Jail Food Follies
Medium
Two-Timing
Lady of the Lockup
Strange Prisoner Lawsuits
Long
Johnny Cash’s Captive Audience
CRIME STORIES
Medium
The Mona Lisa Caper
The Man Who Would Not Die
Queen of the Jail
The Gang’s Last Stand
The Mad Bomber, Part I
The Mad Bomber, Part II
Long
No One Is Innocent: The Ronnie Biggs Story
*Belle Gunness: The Terror of La Porte
HOW TO...
Short
How to Rig a Coin Toss
Medium
How to Stay Alive
How to Make Prison Wine
WEAPONS OF CHOICE
Medium
Infamous Weapons
Hey! I’m Being Attacked With...
Sons of Guns
Real Toys of the CIA
UNUSUAL SUSPECTS
Short
Hey, I Recognize That Butt Crack!
Medium
The Black Panties Bandit Strikes Again
Bad Granny
I Can’t Take It Anymore!!!
Isn’t It Ironic?
Attack of the Kissing Bandit!
Long
*Falsely Accused
CRIMES IN HISTORY
Short
The Hatfields vs. the McCoys
Medium
The Luddites: Rage Against the Machine
Going Off Track
Long
America’s First Private Eye
Argh, Mateys!
REEL CRIME
Short
Film No
ir
“Strong Enough to Float a Pistol”
There Oughta Be a Law
Medium
Name That Sleuth
Reel Crime
IT’S THE LAW
Short
Looney Laws
Lawyers on Lawyers
Medium
Legally Speaking
MUSICAL MAYHEM
Medium
The World’s Most Dangerous Band
“Cop Killer”
Killer Karaoke
Long
The Killer vs. the King
JUDGMENT DAY
Short
Court Transquips
Weird Sentences
Medium
Did the Punishment Fit the Crime?
Benched!
RIPPED FROM
THE HEADLINES
Medium
EPA’s Most Wanted
Hollywood Scandal, Part I
Madoff With the Goods
The King Shoots the President
Long
*The Great Brinks Robbery
Hollywood Scandal, Part II
HARD-BOILED BOOKS
Short
Elementary, My Dear Sherlock
Medium
Classic Hammett
Hard-Boiled Hammet, Part II
Long
Murder, He Wrote
Hard-Boiled Hammet, Part I
TRULY STRANGE
Short
Killer Quotes
Medium
American Cannibal
Celebrity Mummies
WILD, WILD WEST
Short
Dumb Crooks of the Old West
Medium
Belle Was a Starr
Long
Shanghaied!
INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS
Short
No Can(ada) Do
Medium
Canadian Gangland
Modern Piracy
Long
The Real Zorro?
MIXED CROOKS
Short
Nice Crooks
Double Trouble
Medium
Kooky Crooks
It’s a Weird, Weird Crime
POP-POURRI
Short
Toys Above the Law
Criminal Headlines
Drive Like You Stole It
Medium
Urban Legends
Word Origins
Uncle John’s Stall of Shame
Instant Justice
INTRODUCTION
GREETINGS TO OUR PARTNERS IN CRIME
Here at the Bathroom Readers’ Institute, we consider ourselves first and foremost to be storytellers. And few types of stories pack a punch like those in the “true crime” genre: There are villains, victims, and heroes, and the stakes are always high—often a matter of life and death. To that end, we scoured our entire Bathroom Reader catalog—more than 100 books spanning 25 years—to bring you the very best “Law and Order” stories that have ever graced our pages.
Some are short, like this odd headline: “Crack Found in Man’s Buttocks.” Some are long, like the story of the mysterious disappearance of Judge Joseph Crater in 1930. And since we first wrote about the judge more than a decade ago, new details have emerged that may finally solve the mystery. We’ve added that update, as well as a few others. Plus you’ll find some new articles—including how to join the Japanese Mafia (a.k.a the Yakuza), and a chilling page of quotations by serial killers.
And this being a Bathroom Reader, you know you’re also going to find a rogues’ gallery of weird and blunderful stories to laugh at. (Our favorite: one about the toothless man who stole a toothbrush.) So let the perp walk commence. Here’s what’s in store for you in Uncle John’s True Crime:
• Masterminds: New York City’s “Mad Bomber,” Britain’s “Unabashed Bandit” Ronnie Biggs, and the “Terror of La Porte” Belle Gunness
• Not-so-Masterminds: Bungling bank robbers, stupid smugglers, 9-1-1 numbskulls, and the dumb crook who tried to shoplift some CDs from a Walmart...while he was dressed up as Superman
• It’s a Mob, Mob, Mob, Mob World: Wiseguys who ain’t so wise, how to talk like a mobster, where’s Jimmy Hoffa, and beware the Godmother
• Crime and History: How stealing the Mona Lisa turned it into the world’s most famous painting, how a botched bank robbery marked the beginning of the end of Jesse James, and how the schizophrenic notions of a house painter led to America’s first presidential assassination attempt
• The Long Arm: A crime-fighting ape, the story of the TV show Cops, the origin of Canada’s Mounties, and the D.C. police officer who brought a gun to a snowball fight
• Prison Life: The “Queen of the Jail” who helped the Biddle Boys escape, the “Lady of the Lockup” who helped countless convicts change their ways, strange prison food, and some too-weird-to-be-true (but they are) prisoner lawsuits
• International Intrigue: Canadian ganglands, the Beijing Tea Scam, Somali pirates, and a murderous Norwegian “death metal” band
• Lifestyles of the Rich and Infamous: The celebrity murder that rocked Hollywood...in 1921, Johnny Cash’s captive audience, the story behind the rap song “Cop Killer,” and the hard-boiled tale of a P.I.-turned-writer named Dashiell Hammett—whose razor-sharp prose pierced the dreary city like a thousand daggers waiting inside a thousand dark closets for a thousand dames to hang up a thousand coats (or something like that).
While you let that last sentence sink in, we’ll make a quick getaway. But first, Uncle John would like to put out an APB on our gallant gang of writers, editors, researchers, and designers—including G-man Javna, AmyK-47, Ain’t-no-Angel Angie, Boom-Boom Brunsfeld, and Noodles Newman.
So whether you’re a cop on a bathroom break, a convict doing hard time, or just a regular “crumb” (see page 54) who likes a good yarn, get ready for some pulpy nonfiction fun.
And as always...
Go with the Flow!
—Uncle John, Felix the Crime Dog,
and the BRI Staff
You are hereby sentenced to do time at www.bathroomreader.com. Do not pass Go.
TOYS ABOVE THE LAW
Proof that it’s never too early to start learning about True Crime.
UZI WATER GUN. “The look! The feel! The sound! So real!” Banned in 1990, this line of squirt guns—which included RPGs, AK-47s, and Berettas—looked so much like the real things that police officials throughout the U.S. lobbied to have them discontinued.
TAMAHONAM. This toy from Hong Kong has Mob connections. Instead of “feeding” this digital pet like you would a virtual dog or cat, you provide Tamahonam with cigarettes, booze, and weapons so he can, says the packaging, “go out and wage turf wars.”
ROGER CLEMENS PRISON ACTION FIGURE. The former major league pitcher is posed in his windup, but instead of a baseball uniform, the indicted steroid user and perjury committer is dressed in an orange prison jumpsuit. Says the packaging: “Once he was destined for Cooperstown. Because of Clemens’s false bravado and obsession with his image, though, he now seems headed for jail instead. Get yours today!”
“LETTER BOMB.” Sold in the Philippines, this game lets kids “have fun and become a terrorist!” Each kid gets his or her own “airmail envelope.” They write their “victim’s” name on it, clap on the envelope, and then give it to the victim. In seven seconds, one of the envelopes “explodes.” That player is the loser.
THE SWEENEY TODD RAZOR. “Your friends will think you’re really sharp when you flash this authentic prop replica of the murderous singing barber’s straight razor! Fashioned from real metal, the realistic reproduction is intricately detailed and arrives in a red-velour, drawstring pouch, ready for more musical mayhem in your hands!”
BRASS KNUCKLE TEETHING TOY. For the “edgy” parent. This limited-edition, handmade teething toy looks like a set of brass knuckles, but is made of finely sanded maple. So it’s safe for your baby, but not for the “lil bul
lies buggin’ him!”
The LAPD’s motto, “To Serve and Protect,” was coined in 1955 by Officer Joe Dorobek.
COURT TRANSQUIPS
These were actually said, word for word, in a court of law.
Clerk: Please state your name and spell your last name.
Judge: She’s already been sworn.
Clerk: I’m sorry, Your Honor. She looks different.
Witness: I ate.
Q: What happened then?
A: He says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
“So when he woke up the next morning, he was dead?”
Q: So you were unconscious, and they pulled you from the bucket. What happened then?
A: Mr. S. gave me artificial insemination, you know, mouth-to-mouth.
A: You know, I don’t know, but I mean, you know—you don’t know, but you know. You know what I’m saying?
Q: Do I? No. Do I know? No.
Q: To the charge of driving wile intoxicated, how do you plead?
A: Drunk.
Plaintiff’s attorney: Why do you think your home developed cracks in the walls?
Defendant’s attorney: I object! The witness has no expertise in this area, there is an obvious lack of foundation.
Q: Did he pick up the dog by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
“Do you have any children or anything of that kind?”
Q: Well, sir, judging from your answer on how you reacted to the emergency call, it sounds like you are a man of intelligence and good judgment.
A: Thank you, and if I weren’t under oath, I would return the compliment.
In cop lingo, a “muppet” is an acronym of the “most useless police person ever trained.”
IS THIS BRAIN LOADED?
Before they allow some people to buy guns, maybe police should skip the background check and give the applicants an IQ test. Here’s why.
• A Washington man became frustrated trying to untangle Christmas lights in his driveway and became even more frustrated when his daughter came home and drove over them. So he went inside, got his .45-caliber pistol, took it into his backyard, and fired several shots into the ground, after which he was arrested.
• A man at Dallas–Fort Worth Airport damaged a window and caused panic among passengers when he accidentally fired his hunting rifle at a security checkpoint. The gun went off while he was demonstrating to guards that it wasn’t loaded.