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Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Plunges into Canada
Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Plunges into Canada Read online
Ashland, Oregon
UNCLE’S JOHN PLUNGES INTO CANADA
Copyright © 2014 by Portable Press. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
Copyright © in the individual images remains the property of the individual copyright holders.
“Bathroom Reader,” “Portable Press,” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor. All rights reserved.
Interior and cover layout and design by Moseley Road.
For information, write:
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute,
P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
e-mail: [email protected]
eISBN-13: 978-1-62686-112-1
eBook edition: June 2014
Contents
Intro-duck-tion
They Love Us…
Geese is the Word
The Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth
Who’s that Band?
The Damming Evidence
Big Beer Guns
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Caribou?
Real or Rumor?
Putting the Punk in Punctuality
The Last Spike
The Avro Arrow
That’s a Nice Wine
Bulksellers6
Celebrity 101
We Love Canada, Part I
Olympic Highlights
Million Dollar Names, Part I
Victual Visionaries
Holiday Cheer
We Love Canada, Part II
Phantoms of the Tundra
Circus of the Sun
The Artists’ Nature
Million Dollar Names, Part II
The Arctic Thermometer
Don’t Forget the Barrel, Part I
What Ever Happened to Uncle Tom?
Argh, Mateys!
We Love Canada, Part III
Food for Comedy
First Superstar Export
Wild, Wild West
An Ice Place to Visit
Graveyard of Buried Hopes
These Boots Were Made for Noshing
Who Let the Dogs Out?
First Ladies
Autos to Ottawa
God Save the Queen
Million Dollar Names, Part III
The Halifax Explosion
Saints, Preserve Us!
Raging River Rescue
Nature’s Lightshow
Clever Canadians
We Love Canada, Part IV
Heeere’s Johnny!
On Top of the World
Join the Club
Highway Petrol
Don’t Forget the Barrel, Part II
Mountie Madness
The Greatest Canadian
Why Does Everyone Hate Toronto?
Aces of Diamonds
The Need to Speed Breed
Almost Heaven, Expo 67
A Trip to the Islands
Picture Credits
The Last Page
The snowy mountains and forests at Chester Lake area, Alberta, Canada
Intro-duck-tion
Hello Up There!
Welcome one and all to this very special edition from your friends at the Bathroom Readers’ Institute! Over the last 25 years, the BRI has developed a huge following in Canada. After receiving hundreds of letters asking us to make a Bathroom Reader just for you, we turned that dream into a reality a few years ago. And lo and behold, Plunges Into Canada, Eh was a huge success!
Another common request we’ve received: “Please put pictures in your books!” For years, we balked at that idea (after all, they’re readers, not lookers). But we’ve since discovered—much to Uncle John’s surprise—that not everyone reads in the bathroom. Books can be made for the living room? The answer, it turns out, is yes.
So… we decided to take one of our all-time favorite editions (the aforementioned Plunges Into Canada, Eh) and breathe new life into it by expanding the format and adding photos, drawings, old postcards, posters—whatever we could find that would make the stories pop off the pages.
The result was the big, beautiful book that you are holding in your hands right now. It adds a whole new dimension to Canada that just can’t be put into words. Here’s a bit of what’s in store for you on the pages ahead…
Origins: The Ski-doo, the snow blower, how Flin Flon became a town, and Superman’s Canadian roots.
Brr! Check into Quebec City’s ice hotel, hang out with polar bears, and learn how to make your own thermometer when it’s so cold outside that even mercury freezes.
Yum! Bugger in a bag (or poutine en sac, depending on where you order it), icewine, sea-moss pudding, and beer!
Showbiz: The first movie kiss, how the Warner brothers became Warner Bros., and an artist who makes portraits…out of gum.
Play! Ropin’ and ridin’ at the Calgary Stampede, the “curse” of the Vancouver Olympics, and…hockey!
The Great White Weird: Jump out of the path of Saskatchewan’s ghost train, learn some of the craziest questions asked at Canada’s national parks (when do they turn off Niagara Falls?), and solve that age-old debate…was Rudolph really a reindeer, or was he a caribou?
Before we head out, we’d like to give a huge shoutout to Emma, Adam, Sean, Tina, Derek, Sue, Jack, and Erin, whose hard work and Canadian-style kindness made this book such a success.
And as always…
Go with the flow!
—Uncle John and the BRI Staff
They Love Us…
They really love us!
Classic Canada: A glacier-fed river winds below the high mountain peaks of the Canadian Rockies.
“When I’m in Canada, I feel this is what the world should be like.”
—Jane Fonda, actor
“I love America…whilst performing in Canada.”
—Charlotte Church, British singer
“I had no idea Canada could be so much fun.”
—Bruce Willis, actor
Jim Carrey gives the “thumbs up.”
“Canada made me the person I am. I will always be proud to be a Canadian.”
—Jim Carrey, actor and comedian
“Canada is a place of infinite promise. We like the people, and if one ever had to emigrate, this would be the destination…The hills, lakes, and forests make it a place of peace and repose of the mind, such as one never finds in the U.S.A.”
—John Maynard Keynes, British economist
Samantha Bee
“A lot of funny stuff happens in Canada.”
—Samantha Bee, actress and comedian
“Canada is a very nice place. And we intend to keep it that way.”
—J. P. Morgan, American financier
“Canada is a good country to be from. It has a gentler, slower pace—it lends perspective.”
—Paul Anka, singer and songwriter
“I am much more receptive to Canada than to the United States. There is more balance, a calm rhythm of life…Canada has created harmony and co-operation among ethnic groups, and it must take this experience to the world.”
—Valentyn Moroz, historian
“I’m from Canada, so [American] Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food…and I’m thankful for that.”
—Howie Mandel, comedian and actor
World Capitals
Have you ever wanted to visit the world’s blueberry, kissing, or root cellar capital? Well, you don’t have to travel overseas for that. Many of th
em are right here in Canada!
•Houseboat Capital of the World: Sicamous, BC
•Blueberry Capital of the World: Oxford, NS
•Norseman Capital of the World: Red Lake, ON
•Moose Capital of the World: Hudson Bay, SK
•Bathtub Racing Capital of the World: Nanaimo, BC
•Scallop Capital of the World: Digby, NS
•Balsam Fir Christmas Tree Capital of the World: Lunenburg County, NS
•Kissing Capital of the World: Sarnia, ON
•Lily Capital of the World: Neepawa, MB
•Fruit Stand Capital of the World: Keremeos, BC
Canada boasts the Chainsaw Carving Capital of the World.
•Chainsaw Carving Capital of the World: Hope, BC
•Dinosaur Capital of the World: Drumheller, AB
•Chicken Capital of the World: Wynyard, SK
•Maple Capital of the World: Plessisville, QC
•Tuna Capital of the World: North Lake, PEI
•Potash Capital of the World: Saskatoon, SK
•Waterfall Capital of the World: Hamilton, ON
•Iceberg Capital of the World: Qikiqtarjuaq, NU
•Root Cellar Capital of the World: Elliston, NL
•Swan Capital of the World: Fraser Lake, BC
A polar bear rests in the snow.
•Polar Bear Capital of the World: Churchill, MB
Geese is the Word…
Look up! Graceful birds, displaying black heads and white “chinstraps,” flying in an elegant “V” …and accompanied by all that honking.
Name Game
It’s not Canadian goose. It’s Canada goose.
Big Birds
Canada geese usually look the same to an untrained eye, but scientists say there are seven different subspecies. The smallest? The Aleutian Canada goose, which weighs just 1.8 kilograms (4 pounds) and was once among the most endangered birds in the world. The largest? The giant Canada goose, spreading its wings 2 meters (6.5 feet) and weighing 8 kilograms (17.6 pounds).
Air Canada
During migration, Canada geese fly 3,000 to 5,000 kilometers (1,800 to 3,100 miles) each way, but it doesn’t work the same in both directions. Going south, they move fast, as far as 1,000 kilometers (620 miles) per day. When they head north in the spring, though, they take their time, generally spending a few weeks on the trek and making frequent stops along the way.
Honk!
The geese are highly vocal and don’t even wait until they have hatched—goslings can be heard “talking” from inside their eggs. Scientists have picked out at least 13 separate goose calls, each representing something different: for example, a call can mean “Hello,” “Danger,” “Come over and join us here,” or even, “Hey baby, looking for a good mate?”
A Canada goose looks out from its island perch.
Love Birds
Most birds seem to have trouble with long-term relationships, but Canada geese mate for life. If one of the partners dies, though, the survivor often finds a new mate before the next mating season.
Water Birth
Goslings are led to water almost immediately after they hatch. This is why Canada geese often nest near shorelines, municipal parks, and golf course water hazards. In a pinch, even a city fountain or a backyard swimming pool will do.
Bombs Away
One Canada goose can produce 57 kilograms (125 pounds) of poop annually…meaning a flock of 50 geese can bless an area with more than three tons every year.
A Canada goose takes off.
You Know You’re Canadian If…
•You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without getting sick.
•You cried when you thought Gus had died on Road to Avonlea.
•You can recite the entire Molson’s “I Am Canadian” rant.
•You eat buns and chocolate bars.
•You aren’t embarrassed by the phrase “Tickle Trunk.”
Champion ice skater Elvis Stojko dazzles at the Golden Skate Awards in Turin, Italy, October 20th, 2012.
•You think Elvis Stojko looked better with hockey hair.
•You don’t understand what all the fuss is about Cuba.
•You’ve ordered poutine at McDonald’s.
•You use hockey tape to fix…everything.
•You wear a toque.
•You consider beers under 6 percent to be for children and the elderly.
•You’ve never ridden on a moose, built an igloo, or said “sore-y”.
•You know what a sweeper does in curling.
•You know that “This Hour Has 22 Minutes.”
•You’ve ever told a Newfie joke…like this one:
A Newfie was having a hard time attracting women at the beach, so he asked a friend for advice.
“It’s dem big baggy swimming trunks,” said the friend. “Dey’re years outta style. Yer best bet is to grab yeself a pair of Speedos and drop a fist-sized potato down inside ’em. Ye’ll have all de babes ye wants!”
The next day, the Newfie sauntered onto the beachwith his new Speedos and his potato. Everybody he walked past immediately started pointing at him and laughing.
So the Newfie went back to his friend and said, “I did what ye said, but it’s still not working.”
“Lard-Tunderin’ Jeezus b’y!” said the friend. “The potato goes in the front!”
The Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth
Calgary hosted the Winter Olympics in 1988, and it led Canada’s oil boom in the early 1900s. But what the city is really famous for is its over-the-top homage to the Wild West.
Party Like It’s 1912
Called the “Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth,” the annual Calgary Stampede lasts for 10 days every July. The city’s stores and businesses decorate with Western themes. The “put your head in a hat campaign” awards valuable prizes to cowpokes wearing their Stetsons.
Hungry visitors line up for a free all-you-can-eat flapjack, sausage, and bacon breakfast served from the back of a chuck wagon. Horse-drawn rigs give free city tours. One visitor even reported looking up at a skyscraper and seeing a horse riding in its glass elevator.
Calgary has been “Stampeding” for nearly a century. Though the festival celebrates all things Western, it was a fast-talking guy from New York who started it all. Born in Rochester in 1885, Guy Weadick left home and headed west when he was a teenager. After working as a cowboy, he got a job as a stunt rider and a trick roper with various Wild West shows in the United States and Europe before he began performing in Alberta.
But Weadick wanted more. So in 1912, he convinced Calgary cattle barons George Lane, Alfred Cross, Archie McLean, and Patrick Burns (known today as the “Big Four”) to invest in his big dream: a world-class rodeo that celebrated the Wild West. Weadick’s backers spared no expense.
Rodeo riders compete in Calgary.
The first Stampede started with a parade that featured English nobility (the Duke and Duchess of Connaught) as grand marshals and included 2,000 natives on horseback. Prizes for the rodeo events totaled $16,000, the richest purse ever seen at the time. Nearly 14,000 people showed up on foot, on horseback, or by train to see that first Stampede, and it was such a hit that by 1923 it was an annual event.
Rope and Ride
These days, the Calgary Stampede is still a huge success. The city’s merchants call the event “Christmas in July,” and millions turn out for it every year. Calgary still holds a Parade Day, just like it did in 1912. Only now, the parade includes marching bands, elaborate floats, and celebrities. Native communities also attend and perform at the Stampede. One of the most popular exhibits is the First Nations Village, in which five tribes—the Siksika, Stoney, Blood, T’suu Tina, and Piikani—sing, dance, pose for pictures, and answer questions. It’s the largest meeting of the First Nations peoples in all of Canada. With all that, it might seem that the rodeo itself is neglected. Not so. The Stampede consistently ranks among the world’s top rodeos and, since 2006, participation in
the professional events comes by invitation only. The prize money is rich—in 2009 the Stampede awarded $2 million in prizes.
A Stampede mural decorates a wall in Calgary.
In 2006 Calgary introduced a tournament-style rodeo for its six major events: bareback bronc riding, saddled bronc riding, barrel racing, bull riding, tie-down roping, and steer wrestling. Cowboys compete during the week, and the top performers move on to Showdown Sunday, a.k.a. “Rodeo’s Richest Afternoon,” held on the rodeo’s last Sunday. In 2009 the top prize for each event winner on Showdown Sunday was $100,000. How much does that mean to a cowboy? Competitors in the bucking bronc competition, for example, must stay on for eight seconds…which means the winner makes $12,500 a second.
Half Mile of Hell
The biggest prize of all, though, is reserved for the centerpiece of the celebration, a chuck wagon race called the Rangeland Derby, another brainchild of Guy Weadick. In the early 1900s, chuck wagons were like mobile restaurants that traveled out to ranches to feed the cowboys. Few people thought of them as fit for speed, but Weadick wanted to race them. He came up with the idea for a chuck wagon event after watching some actual wagons race each other from a ranch to a saloon—with the losers buying the drinks.
For the 1923 Stampede, Weadick persuaded a group of local ranchers to enter their chuck wagons and compete for a prize of $275. He called the race the Rangeland Derby, and the fast-moving, dust-throwing event immediately became a crowd pleaser. A stagecoach driver from the Yukon won the first race. Today, 36 crews race their chuck wagons to compete for a purse of more than $1 million. The crews consist of a driver, four horses, and four outriders, and the wagons are fully loaded with a stove and other cooking supplies to simulate the weight of real chucks on the range. The course is an 800-meter (half-mile) track with tight curves, obstacles, a figure-eight, and limited space. Although safety measures have been introduced over the years, five men and 22 horses have died since the Rangeland Derby began. And because the race is so dangerous, it’s known as “the Half Mile of Hell.”