Uncle John's Creature Feature Bathroom Reader For Kids Only! Read online

  UNCLE JOHN’S

  CREATURE FEATURE

  BATHROOM READER®

  FOR KIDS ONLY

  Copyright © 2010 by Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whasoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. “Bathroom Reader,”

  “Bathroom Readers’ Institute,” and “Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader for Kids Only” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor. All rights reserved.

  Articles in this edition have been included from the following books:

  Uncle John’s Wild & Woolly Bathroom Reader for Kids Only © 2005, Uncle John’s Strange & Scary Bathroom Reader for Kids Only © 2006, and Uncle John’s Under the Slimy Sea Bathroom Reader for Kids Only © 2007.

  For information, write:

  Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520

  www.bathroomreader.com

  Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld

  Illustrations by John Gaffey and Scott G. Brooks

  ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-667-8

  E-book edition: September 2012

  4 5 6 7 8 15 14 13 12 11

  READERS’ RAVES

  From some of our favorite readers!

  “OK, I’ll start by saying that Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers are probably the greatest idea since PB & J! My entire family reads your books. We share, we trade, then we have little sit-downs about the funniest article of the day.”

  —Brad

  “I’m 13 years old, and I’m a really big fan of your books. They rock!!!”

  —Rachel

  “I recently led my middle school team to second place in the ‘Optimist Brain Bowl.’ After every match, judges, teachers, and parents of the opposing team would come up to me, wondering how I knew so much. I simply smiled and said, ‘I’d like to thank Uncle John and the entire BRI staff.’”

  —Jamie

  “If I had to choose between Bathroom Readers or homework, Bathroom Readers would be what I would choose.”

  —Wesley

  “I love your books!!!! I can never go to the bathroom without my mom yelling at me because I take soooo long reading my Bathroom Readers!”

  —Michael

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  WILD & WOOLY

  RUFF RUFF BARK BARK BOW WOW

  Can You Hear Me Now?

  Zombie Dog

  Dumb Dog Tricks

  Good Doggie!

  War Heroes

  Dumb Dog Tricks

  Who Let the Dog Out?

  Poodle Doo

  Book Hound

  Wolf Talk

  Water Dogs

  DOWN ON THE FARM

  Old MacDonald Had a…

  Fainting Goats

  Udderly Ridiculous

  And Speaking of Pigs…

  Mad Cows

  Cattle Call

  Some Pig!

  Another Mad Cow

  FAMILY MATTERS

  Rock-a-Bye Baby

  Mom of the Year

  Super Dads

  What a Baby!

  HERE KITTY KITTY

  Felix the Cat

  Here Kitty Kitty

  Lion Tales

  Animal News—Cats Predict Earthquake!

  Homeward Bound

  FURRY AND FAMOUS

  Pets of the Famous (and Infamous)

  Wags to Riches

  Strongheart

  Mister Ed

  Royal Rides

  Hollywood Hounds

  History Makers

  Morris the Cat

  Smarty Jones

  VIP’s VIPs

  Meet Porkchop

  Fond Farewells

  MINI-MAMMALS

  Rat Facts

  More Rats

  What Are They?

  Q: What Is It???

  A: It’s a Platypus!

  I Vant to Suck Your Blood!

  Going Batty

  Animal News—Invasion of the Armadillos

  Armor-dillos

  MASSIVE MAMMALS

  Big Kahuna!

  Big Mouth

  Buffalo Pals

  Giraffe-a-mania

  Talking Trees

  ’Roo

  The Bear Facts

  Snorkel Masters

  They Never Forget

  The Elephant and the Cowboy

  Yikes, Stripes!

  Gotta Go!

  OUT OF THIS WORLD

  Ghost Pets

  Spirit Guides

  Ghost Pets

  Dreaming of Cats

  RANDOM STUFF

  Pampered Pets

  Wild Medicine

  The Nose Knows

  Wassup?

  You Better Run!

  Frozen Foods

  Q: Why Don’t Polar Bears Eat Penguins?

  Yo, Dude!

  Polar Plus

  Pick the Weirdest Nose

  Bright Ideas

  MONKEYING AROUND

  Ding Dong!

  Going Ape!

  Railroad Jack

  More Zoo Stories

  Exposed!

  HA! HA!

  Animal Crackers

  Animal Crackers

  Animal Crackers

  WILD TAILS

  Dumb Animal Tricks

  Zoo Stories

  Panda-monium

  Animal News—Ham on the Lam!

  Animals to the Rescue

  The Great Escape

  Animals to the Rescue

  The One-Eyed Kangaroo

  Fraidy Piggy

  Animals to the Rescue

  Channel Surfers

  Horse Pucky

  Animal News—Cat Wins Big!

  Life on Easy Creek

  I’m Back!

  RECORD BREAKERS

  And the Winner is

  And the Winner is

  And the Winner is

  WORDPLAY

  Run With the Pack

  Animal Signs

  Beastly Expressions

  Look Who’s Talking

  Name That Horse

  Beastly Expressions

  Wrong!

  UNDER THE SLIMY SEA

  FISHY FACTS

  Fish Salon

  And the Winner Is…

  Mister Mom

  Guess Who?

  Woof! It’s a Whale

  9 Amazing Fish Facts

  Escape Artist

  Speed Shark

  INCREDIBLE TALES

  Rubber Duckies Overboard!

  Hey, Let Go of My Boat!

  Message in a Bottle

  Schoolboy Sailor

  JUST FOR FUN

  Hook, Line, and Sinker

  Off the Deep End

  Shark Jokes

  Off the Deep End

  Slimy Sea Movies

  The Slimy “See”

  ARRGH…PIRATES!

  Sea Dogs

  Madame Ching

  Davy Jones’ Locker

  Here Be Treasure!

  MYTHS & LEGENDS

  Real Monsters?

  The Lost World

  Gods of the Sea

  Mermaids

  SHARK ATTACK!

  The World’s Safest Beach? Ha!

  Shark Facts

  Dumbo

  “Me, Quit? Never!”

  Shark Bait…Not!

  More Shark Facts

  “Ha! You Missed Me!”

  SEA-LEBRITIES

  Flipper

  Scuba Do!

  Free Will
y

  EEEWWWWW!

  It’s Slimy! It’s Disgusting! It’s a Hagfish!

  Battle, Barf, and Bullion

  Uncle John’s Ambergris Test

  Snot Balls!

  Globsters

  Weird Seafood

  TURTLE MANIA!

  False Alarm

  Amazing Journey

  Turtle Times

  Beach Traffic Jam

  WATERY FACTS

  Monster Waves

  The “Deep” Woods

  Down, Down, Wa-a-a-y Down

  Water World

  Surf’s Up—Way Up!

  Diving Down

  S.O.S

  The Salty Sea

  WET AND WEIRD

  Is Sand Fish Poop?

  The Bermuda Triangle

  The Bloop

  Stop That Lobster!

  Ghost Ships

  BIG, BIG, BIG!

  It Was Th-i-i-i-s Big!

  Gentle Giants

  It Was Th-i-i-i-s Big!

  Killer Clams…Not!

  DOLPHINS & WHALES

  Dolphin Facts

  Ocean Acrobats

  Thar’ She Blows!

  More Dolphin Facts

  STRANGE CREATURES

  Mr. Blobby

  Gnarly Teeth

  No Brain? No Problem

  Spook(y) Fish!

  Surfin’ Snails

  Alien Invasion

  Sea Squirt

  Big Mouths

  Fish Can Fly?

  Don’t Bite Me!

  AMAZING RESCUES

  Stingray to the Rescue!

  Dauntless Dolphin

  Long-Armed Rescue

  LAND AND SEA

  Polar Opposites (North Pole)

  Polar Opposites (South Pole)

  Seals

  The Largest Living Thing

  ANIMAL GUIDES

  Fierce Guardians

  Follow That Fin!

  Funghi

  GAMES & QUIZZES

  Sea Animal Quiz #1: What Is This Mysterious Giant?

  Yo Ho Ho!

  Swim School

  Gnarly Teeth—The Quiz!

  Sea Animal Quiz #2: Bathing Beauty?

  STRANGE & SCARY

  SCARE YOURSELF SILLY

  How to Read Tea Leaves

  Ghostbusting Tips

  Make a Ouija

  Spoon Bending

  You’ve Got Mail

  BODY WISE

  Creepy Cures

  Body by You

  Body Parts

  Taste the Music

  Snooze Clues

  IT’S A WEIRD, WEIRD WORLD

  Cabbage Patch Son

  If the Shoe Fits

  Revolting Records

  Weird Underwear

  Sold!

  Dumb Crooks

  Strange and Silly Records

  Ridiculous Records

  Party Animals

  SPOOKY STUFF

  Monster Lineup

  King Tut’s Curse

  How to Make a Mummy

  Nevermore

  Ghost Hunter

  Got Ghosts?

  Ghostly Hitchhikers

  Vampire Basics

  DID YOU KNOW?

  Fear Factor

  You’re My Inspiration

  “86 the Bunpups!”

  Warning!

  Nature Is Strange

  Alphabet Soup

  Did You Know?

  Number Madness

  ONE-OF-A-KINDS

  Wolf Man

  Sleeping Beauty

  The Traveling Pants

  The Elephant Man

  Lizard Man

  Extreme Cases

  Lawn-Chair Larry

  HISTORY’S MYSTERIES

  Hide and Seek?

  Ta Moko

  Packrats

  Fashion Police

  Babysitter Tops the Charts

  Royal Pig Out

  Royal Weirdos

  GOOFY GAMES

  Toy Stories

  Weird World of Sports

  Extreme Ironing

  Ugly Is Beautiful

  Brits and Their “Comps”

  OH, YUCK!

  Gag Me With a Sneaker

  Ew! Gross!

  Germ Warfare

  Try It…You’ll Like It!

  UNEXPLAINED

  Spooky Spots

  The Amityville Horror

  The Henges

  The Green Children of Woolpit

  Spooky Spots

  JUST FOR FUN

  Dumb Jocks

  Scary Jokes

  Tongue-Tied Professor

  The Who?

  JUST FOR FUN-ERALS

  Tombstone Tales

  Ashes to Ashes?

  Will Power

  Pushing Up Daisies

  A-Tisket, A-Tasket

  Strange Deaths

  The Last Word

  SPACE CASES

  Black Holes

  UFO Crash Site

  UFO Central

  It Came From Way Out There

  Crop Circles

  The Sky Is Falling!

  THAT’S AMAZING!

  Whiz Kids

  Double Trouble

  Lucky Finds #1

  Lost and Found

  Amazing Coincidences

  Lucky Finds #2

  More Amazing Coincidences

  More...Lost and Found

  POTTY TIME

  Potty Mouth

  Flushed and Found

  Potty On, Dude!

  V-E-E-E-RY EERIE

  Bad Ghosts!

  The Haunted Painting

  Disappearing Acts

  Rice Porridge

  Are You a Slider?

  Photo Credits

  THANK YOU

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute thanks those people whose help has made this book possible.

  Gordon Javna

  Jahnna Beecham

  Malcolm Hillgartner

  Amy Miller

  John Gaffey

  Scott Brooks

  Michael Brunsfeld

  Dale Champlin

  Maggie McLaughlin

  Jay Newman

  Brian Boone

  Thom Little

  Julia Papps

  Jeff Altemus

  John Dollison

  Melinda Allman

  Christine DeGueron

  Lisa Meyers

  Amy Ly

  Monica Maestas

  Sydney Stanley

  JoAnn Padgett

  Dash and Skye

  Scarab Media

  Tom Mustard

  Shobha Grace

  Porter the Wonder Dog

  Thomas Crapper

  Intro-DOG-tion

  Hiya, Kids!

  Porter the Wonder Dog here. Uncle John asked me—his faithful pal—to write this introduction. What an honor! It’s almost as fun as chasing my own tail! (But not quite.)

  I think you’re going to love this book. Why? Because it’s not a book—it’s three books in one! Uncle John went into the BRI vaults and gathered these great stories about creatures on the land, creatures in the sea, and creatures that go bump in the night. If you like whales, meerkats, ghosts, and weird people with hair all over their bodies, then sit down and get ready for hours of great bathroom reading.

  Here’s Part One of Creature Feature:

  Wild & Woolly!

  On behalf of the entire BRI staff, happy reading.

  And, as Uncle John always says,

  Go with the Flow!

  CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

  Meet Jack the basset hound from Fulda, Germany. He’s got the longest dog ears in the world. And it’s official: Guinness World Records measured them at 33.2 centimeters each—over a foot long! According to his owners, Claudia and Carsten Baus, Jack’s ears flop into his food and water bowls. In fact, they’re so long that this lovable one-year-old has a hard time keeping them off the ground and often trips over them when he walks.

  RAT FACTS


  A rat can fall from a five-story building without getting hurt.

  A rat can survive without water longer than a camel.

  A group of rats is called a mischief.

  Rats care for the injured and sick in their group.

  Rats can’t vomit.

  Rats sweat through the bottom of their feet.

  A rat can tread water for three days.

  Male rats are called bucks, females are called does, and babies are called kittens.

  A rat’s fur smells like grape soda.

  Rats pee as many as 80 times a day.

  A rat can produce more than 25,000 droppings in a year.

  A rat will grind its teeth when it’s happy.

  Rats can dive 100 feet underwater.

  Rats’ teeth grow five inches a year.

  They gnaw constantly to wear them down.

  ZOMBIE DOG

  This tale shows you can’t keep a good dog down.

  Sweetie was dead. Her owner, Glenda Stevens, was certain of it. Earlier in the day, she’d found the little dog’s lifeless body sprawled across the road near the family’s mailbox. Sweetie had been struck down by a delivery truck and her heart had stopped. Glenda was overcome with grief. She carried the limp body of the little dog to her backyard, dug a grave, and buried her.

  Imagine Glenda’s shock when hours later, she looked out of her back window and saw two hind legs sticking out of the ground. Sweetie was trying to dig her way out of her grave!

  Glenda rushed to help her pet and then took her to the vet. The vet said the dog had a broken leg and a broken jaw and it would probably be best to put her to sleep. Glenda absolutely refused. Sweetie had already died once. Why make her go through that again?

  Instead, she brought the dog to a specialist who was able to put Sweetie back together (just like in the movie Frankenweenie).

  PETS OF THE FAMOUS (AND INFAMOUS)

  If you ruled the world, what kind of pet would you have?

  CLEOPATRA (69–30 B.C.). The queen of Egypt loved her cat, Charmian, so much that she designed her makeup to look like her cat’s eyes.

  KUBLAI KHAN (1215–1294). The Mongol emperor of China owned 5,000 mastiffs, the greatest number of dogs ever owned by one person.

  NAPOLEON BONAPARTE (1769–1821). The emperor of France was deathly afraid of cats, but his wife Josephine had a pet orangutan that sat at her dinner table dressed in a coat.

  PRESIDENT JOHN QUINCY ADAMS (1767–1848). He kept a pet alligator in the White House.