Uncle John's Great Big Bathroom Reader Read online

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  Uncle John’s

  GREAT

  BIG

  BATHROOM

  READER®

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  Bathroom Readers’ Press

  Ashland, Oregon

  UNCLE JOHN’S

  GREAT BIG BATHROOM READER®

  Copyright © 1998 by The Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  The following are registered trademarks: “Bathroom Reader,” “Bathroom Readers’ Institute,” “Portable Press,” and “Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader.”

  For information, write The Bathroom Readers’ Institute,

  P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520

  www.bathroomreader.com

  Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld

  BRI Technician on back cover: Larry Kelp

  Uncle John’s Great Big Bathroom Reader® by The Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 98-074781

  ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-654-8

  Eighteenth Printing

  25 24 23 22 21 20 19 18 06 07 08 09 10

  ***

  “The Warren Commission,” “Who Is Jack Ruby?” “S & L Rogues,” “To Tell The Truth,” originally appeared in It’s a Conspiracy! by The National Insecurity Council. Text copyright © 1992, by Michael Litchfield. Published by Earth Works Press.

  “Nostradamus Today,” “Predictions For the Year 2000,” “The Amazing Sir Oracle,” “The Bad Boys of 2000,” “The Secrets of Nostradamus,” “Whatever Happened to Flying Cars?,” from Uncle John’s Indispensable Guide to the Year 2000, copyright © 1998, by The Bathroom Readers’ Press.

  “The King of the Ferret Leggers: A True Story,” by Donald Katz copyright © 1983. Originally published by Outside magazine. Permission to reprint granted by ICM.

  “I Remember Ed Wood,” by Gregory Walcott copyright © 1996. Used with permission of Gregory Walcott.

  “Oy Vey! This is Sesame Street?” copyright © 1997, reprinted by permission of the Wall Street Journal, Dow Jones and Co., Inc. All rights reserved worldwide.

  “Tabloid Secrets,” from Grossed-Out Surgeon Vomits in Patients—An Insider’s Look at Supermarket Tabloids by Jim Hogshire copyright © 1997. Permission to reprint granted by Feral House, Inc. Available from the Publisher, Feral House, for $12.95 plus $3 postage. Feral House 2532 Lincoln Blvd. #359, Venice, CA 90291. www.FeralHouse.com

  “Flagpole Sitting,” from A Carnival of Sports by Bill Severn copyright © 1974. Excerpted with permission by Ellen Coultier.

  “Why We Cry Tears” from The Day That Lightning Chased the Housewife & Other Mysteries of Science by Julia Leigh and David Savold copyright © 1983 by the American Association for Advancement of Science. Reprinted by permission of Madison Books.

  “Going Abroad,” from Going Abroad by Eva Newman copyright © 1997 by Marlor Press, Inc. Permission to excerpt granted by Marlor Press, Inc, St. Paul, MN.

  “Parlez-vous Bureaucrat-ese?” and “Nasty Secrets of Advertising,” from Doublespeak by William Lutz copyright © 1989. Used by permission.

  “I Dream of Jeannie”, “Inside the X-Files”, “Star Trek: The Next Generation” from Cult TV, by John Javna. Copyright © 1986 by John Javna. Reprinted by permission.

  “Hits of the ’70s” and “Serendipitous Hits” from Behind the Hits. Copyright © 1985 by Bob Shannon and John Javna. Reprinted by permission.

  Calling all Bathroom Readers!

  Visit our website at

  www.unclejohn.com or

  www.bathroomreader.com

  •Order hard to find editions!

  •Suggest topics for future editions!

  •Read our favorites in the Throne Room

  •Submit articles! •Become a BRI member!

  THANK YOU!

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.

  John Javna

  John Dollison

  Jeff Altemus

  Adam Silver

  Jennifer & Sage

  Michael Brunsfeld

  Julie Roeming

  Lonnie Kirk

  Paul Stanley

  Bennie Slomski

  Paul Hadella

  Chris Rose-Merkle

  Lenna Lebovich

  Ben Brand

  Erik Linden

  Jessica Vineyard

  Dee Smith

  Antares Multimedia

  Jeff Cheek

  Jay Newman

  Jennifer Wahpahpa

  Bill Varble

  Nancy Chew

  Bass Pike

  Shawn Davis

  Bob Weibel

  Andy Nilsson

  Erin Barrett

  William Davis

  Gordon Javna

  Rich Stim

  Tom Boerman

  Bo Adan

  Gary Pool

  Harry Bartz

  Richard Moeschl

  Jonah Bornstein

  Karen Carnival

  Rachael Markowitz

  Leeann Drabenstott

  Moira Gleason

  Mustard Press

  Thomas Crapper

  Marley & Catie Pratt

  Jesse & Sophie, B.R.I.T.

  Hi to Emily and Molly!

  According to BRI-member Billy Russo: “Native Americans made glue by mixing buffalo brains and tree sap.”

  Hiya Gideon! Hiya Sam!

  CONTENTS

  NOTE

  Because the B.R.I. understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.

  Short—a quick read

  Medium—1 to 3 pages

  Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required.

  *Extended—for a leg-numbing experience.

  BATHROOM NEWS

  Short

  Bathroom Origins

  When You Gotta Go

  Medium

  Going Abroad

  Going Abroad

  Going Abroad

  Long

  The Birth of Mr. Whipple

  POLITICS

  Short

  Welcome to Washington

  Your Government at Work r />
  To Tell the Truth

  Parlez-vous Bureacrat-ese

  Medium

  Politically Correct Quiz

  Serendipity Selects a President

  Long

  Forgotten Men

  CUSTOMS & RUMORS

  Short

  Good Luck!

  Rumors

  Animal Superstitions

  Medium

  Urban Legends

  Is It Kosher?

  Urban Legends

  AMUSEMENTS & SPORTS

  Short

  A Comic Strip is Born

  A Comic Strip is Born

  Medium

  Fireworks Facts

  The Birth of Baseball Cards

  Long

  The Jig is Up

  The Forgotten Hero of Flagpole-sitting

  The Birth of Baseball Cards

  *A Brief History of the Jukebox

  *The King of the Ferret-Leggers

  THE REEL STUFF

  Short

  Life Imitates Art

  Tall in the Saddle, Western Film Quotes

  Video Treasures

  Art Imitates Life

  Wretched Reviews

  Video Treasures

  Medium

  Famous Hollywood Publicity Stunts

  Ed Wood’s Masterpiece

  Tarzan at the Movies

  Long

  I Remember Ed Wood

  *Grease is the Word

  WORDPLAY

  Short

  Headlines

  Keep Honking I’m Reloading

  Brits vs. Americans

  Brain Teasers

  The Classifieds

  Uncle John’s Page of Lists

  There Once Was a Lady from France

  Greasy, Grimy Gopher Guts

  Why Ask Why?

  Word Origins

  Uncle John’s Page of Lists

  Diner Lingo

  Wordplay

  MYTH & LEGENDS

  Short

  Myth America

  Myth America

  Medium

  Moderm Mythology

  Legendary Bets

  Scooby Doo, Where Are You?

  Daedalus & Icarus

  The Tom and Jerry Story

  More Legendary Bets

  Long

  The Story of Echo & Narcissus

  Why We Have Spring & Winter

  THE NAME GAME

  Short

  Founding Fathers

  Lost Names

  For Your Reading Pleasure

  Brand Names

  Nat For Export

  Founding Fathers

  Name Your Poison

  Medium

  Say Uncle!

  Oddball Food Names

  MOUTHING OFF

  Short

  If You Like “Ike”

  Words of Wisdom

  Straight From Mick’s Lips

  Words of Wisdom

  Oh, Marlene!

  Never Say Never

  Elementary, My Dear Sherlock

  He Said, She Said

  Hello, Dolly

  Steinem Speaks

  Leno-isms

  Brando On Acting

  Down-Home Tycoon

  Clarke’s Comments

  FAMILIAR PHRASES

  Short

  Familiar Phrases

  Familiar Phrases

  Medium

  Familiar Phrases

  Familiar Phrases

  Familiar Phrases

  THAT’S DEATH!

  Short

  The Last Laugh: Epitaphs

  Medium

  They Went That-a-Way

  They Went That-a-Way

  FOOD FOR THOUGHT

  Short

  Cheese Geography

  Strange Brews

  Crum’s Legacy

  Medium

  The Birth of the Burger

  Life Savers

  What’s for Breakfast?

  Croissant, Coffee, & Blood

  Long

  *The Popcorn Chronicles

  THE WORLD’S TALLEST BUILDING

  The World’s Tallest Buildings, Part I

  The World’s Tallest Buildings, Part II

  The World’s Tallest Buildings, Part III

  The World’s Tallest Buildings, Part IV

  Part V: The Chrysler Building

  Part VI: The Empire State Building

  Part VII: Building the Empire State Building

  The World’s Tallest Buildings, Part VIII

  LAW & ORDER

  Short

  Court Transquips

  Court Transquips

  Strange Lawsuits

  Looney Laws

  Medium

  Strange Lawsuits

  Dumb Crooks

  More Dumb Crooks

  Long

  Caught in the Spotlight

  America’s All-Time Biggest Crooks

  POP-POURRI

  Short

  You’re My Inspiration

  Page 42

  Made in France

  Beginnings

  Random Americana

  Beginnings

  Dumb Predictions

  Aunt Lerma’s Puzzlers

  The Secret Censors

  Medium

  The Birth of Post-Its

  You’re my Inspiration

  Long

  Strange Tourist Attractions

  How the Ballpoint Pen Got Rolling

  Tabloid Secrets

  POP SCIENCE

  Short

  Q & A: Ask the Experts

  Jaws, Jr.

  Q & A: Ask the Experts

  Medium

  Weird Medical Conditions

  Mental Aerobics

  Why Do We Cry Tears?

  Hangover Science

  Starwatch 101

  Long

  The History of Aspirin

  Aspirin: The Miracle Drug

  THE YEAR 2000

  Medium

  Fly Me to the Moon

  Predictions for the Year 2000

  The Bad Boys of 2000

  The Amazing Sir Oracle

  Whatever Happened to Flying Cars?

  Nostradamus Today

  Long

  The Secrets of Nostradamus

  PUBLIC LIVES

  Medium

  Nudes & Prudes

  Celebrity Gossip

  Famous for Being Naked

  World’s Worst Actor

  Long

  Famous for 15 Minutes

  Famous for 15 Minutes

  THAT’S LIFE

  Short

  Oops!

  Ironic, Isn’t It?

  Ironic, Isn’t It?

  Oops! II

  Ironic, Isn’t It?

  Medium

  It’s Just Serendipity

  Lucky Finds

  Knock Yourself Out!

  Lucky Finds

  Nature’s Revenge

  FORGOTTEN HISTORY

  Short

  Gone. But Not Forgotten

  Titanic Coincidences

  Tearing Down the White House

  Two Forgotten Inventors

  The World’s Second Dumbest Outlaw

  Medium

  The Groucho Wars

  The Origin of the White House

  The Origin of the White House, Part II

  Dustbin of History

  Long

  *Life in the White House

  *J. Edgar Hoover’s Biggest Blunder

  *Nazis Invade America! A True Story

  INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS

  Short

  “Always Spit After a Fisherman”

  Let Me Write Sign-I Speak English Good

  International Law

  Never Suck on a Chopstick

  Hurry Up and Pay!

  Lost in Translation

  Medium

  Birthday Traditions

  Long

  *Oy Vey! This is Sesame Street?

  TV

  Short

/>   I Dream of Jeannie

  Medium

  Inside the X-Files

  On the Cable

  Star Trek: The Next Generation

  Back on the Cable

  MUSIC

  Short

  Top 10 Hits, 1956–59

  Top 10 Hits, 1960–63

  Top 10 Hits, 1964–67

  Top 10 Hits, 1968–71

  Top 10 Hits, 1972–75

  Top 10 Hits, 1976–79

  Cream of the Crud

  Top 10 Hits, 1980–83

  The “Art” of Rock?

  Top 10 Hits, 1984–87

  Top 10 Hits, 1988–91

  Top 10 Hits, 1992–95

  Top 10 Hits, 1996–97

  Medium

  Hits of the 1970’s: A Quiz

  Bands That Never Existed

  Serendipitous Hits

  AT THE ZOO

  Medium

  The Animals at the Zoo. Part 1

  The Animals at the Zoo, Part 2

  The Animals at the Zoo, Part 3

  The Animals at the Zoo, Part 4

  HAIRY & SCARY

  Medium

  Abominable Facts

  The Curse of the Werewolf, Part I

  The Curse of the Werewolf, Part II

  Long

  *The Wolfman at the Movies

  CONSPIRACY

  Long

  * Nasty Secrets of Advertising

  *The Warren Commission

  * Who Was Jack Ruby?

  QUIZ ANSWERS

  Aunt Lerma’s Puzzlers

  Brain Teasers

  Hits of the 1970’s: Quiz

  Politically Correct Quiz

  ***

  GOLDEN OLDIE

  (From our 5th Bathroom Reader)

  BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS. The first people known to celebrate birthdays were the ancient Egyptians—starting around 3000 B.C. But only the queen and male members of the royal family were honored. No one even bothered recording anyone else’s birthdates.

  • The ancient Greeks expanded the concept a little: they celebrated the birthdays of all adult males...and kept on celebrating, even after a man had died. Women’s and children’s birthdays were considered too unimportant to observe.

  • The Greeks also introduced the birthday cake (which they got from the Persians) and birthday candles (which may have been used to honor Artemis, goddess of the moon, because they symbolized moonlight).

  • It wasn’t until the Middle Ages that German peasants became the first to celebrate the birthdays of everyone in the family. Children’s birthday celebrations were especially important. Called kinderfestes, they were the forerunner to our toddler birthday parties.

  INTRODUCTION

  Well, we’ve just finished writing the rest of the book...which means it’s time to write the introduction.

  In a few weeks, this Bathroom Reader will start rolling into homes all over North America—thanks to an incredibly dedicated BRI staff, our distributors, and the printers who accommodate our insane schedules. (Thanks, Julie.)