Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader Read online

  Uncle John’s

  LEGENDARY

  LOST

  BATHROOM

  READER®

  The Bathroom Readers’

  Institute

  Bathroom Readers’ Press

  Ashland, Oregon

  UNCLE JOHN’S

  LEGENDARY LOST

  BATHROOM READER®

  Copyright © 1999 by The Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  “Bathroom Reader” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute”

  are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor, Inc.

  All rights reserved.

  For information, write the Bathroom Readers’ Institute,

  P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520

  www.bathroomreader.com

  Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld

  Brunsfeld Designs, [email protected]

  Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader®

  by The Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 99-095363

  ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-670-8

  Twenty-first Printing: May 2012

  25 24 23 22 21 12 13 14 15 16

  Uncle John’s Fifth Bathroom Reader

  “Real-Life Songs,” “The ‘Wild Thing’ Story,” “One Hit Wonders,” “The Singing Chipmunks,” and “Translated Hits” originally appeared in BEHIND THE HITS. Copyright © 1986 by Bob Shannon and John Javna. Reprinted by permission of the authors.

  “The Honeymooners,” “The Adventures of Superman,” and “And Now For Something Completely Different” originally appeared in CULT TV. Copyright © 1985 by John Javna. Reprinted by permission of the author.

  Excerpts from THE LITTLE BOOK OF BOSTON PARKING HORRORS. Copyright © 1986 by Michael Silverstein and Linda Elwood, published by Silverwood Publications. Used with permission of the authors.

  “Nixon’s the One?,” “The S&L Scandal: True or False?,” “The Death of Jim Morrison,” “The Death of Warren G. Harding,” “Is Elvis Alive?,” and “Who Killed Malcolm X?” originally appeared in IT’S A CONSPIRACY!, by the National Insecurity Council. Copyright © 1992 by Michael Litchfield; published by EarthWorks Press. Reprinted by permission of the publisher.

  Excerpts used in “Meet Your Commie Masters” from WHAT TO DO WHEN THE RUSSIANS COME. Copyright © 1985 by Robert Conquest and John Manship White. Reprinted by permission of University Press.

  “Buy American” reprinted from BUY AMERICAN—BUY THIS BOOK. Copyright © 1992 by Eric Lefcowitz; published by Ten Speed Press. Reprinted by permission of the author.

  Uncle John’s Sixth Bathroom Reader

  “Reader’s Article of the Year” excerpted from THE POWER OF POSITIVE NONSENSE, by Leo Rosten; published by McGraw Hill. Copyright © 1977. Reprinted by permission of the author.

  “The King of Farts” reprinted from IT’S A GAS: A STUDY OF FLATULENCE, by Eric S. Rabkin, Ph.D., and Eugene M. Silverman, M.D., Manticore Books: 3644 Creekside Dr., Ann Arbor, MI 48105.

  “Twisted Titles” originally appeared in the June 1993 and in 1994 issues of CALIFORNIA MONTHLY, published by the California Alumni Association. Reprinted by permission of the California Alumni Association.

  Selections from Prime Time Proverbs, by John Javna & Jack Mingo, copyright © 1989, reprinted by permission.

  TV Theme Song Trivia originally appeared in The TV Theme Song Sing-Along Songbook, by John Javna. Copyright © 1984. Used by permission of the author.

  J. Edgar Hoover and the Red Menace, The Death of Vicki Morgan, Reefer Madness, and Who Killed Marilyn? originally appeared in It’s a Conspiracy, by the National Insecurity Coucil. Copyright © 1992 by Michael Litchfield. Used by permission of Earthworks Press.

  The Avengers originally appeared in Cult TV, by John Javna. Copyright © 1985. Used by permission of the author.

  Uncle John’s Seventh Bathroom Reader

  The article, “There’s No Such Thing as Smelly Feet,” by Teo Furtado is reprinted by permission of HEALTH magazine. Copyright © 1993.

  Excerpts reprinted with permission from “Diamond Voodoo,” by Jack Connelly. Copyright © 1994 by Jack Connelly. Reprinted with permission.

  “True Lies: Sweetened with Fruit Juice” originally appeared as “Stripped Juice Tease: Ingredients in Fruit Juice Are Not What’s on the Label,” by Stephen Schmidt in the NUTRITION ACTION HEALTHLETTER. Reprinted by permission.

  Excerpts reprinted from AMERICA AT RANDOM: A Multiple Choice Self-Quiz on Everything You Always Wanted to Know About American History...from Paul Revere to Grover Cleveland to The Wright Brothers, by Jerome Agel. Copyright © 1983. Reprinted by permission of the author.

  Excerpts from IT’S A CONSPIRACY! by The National Insecurity Council. Copyright © 1992 by Michael Litchfield; published by EarthWorks Press. Reprinted by permission of EarthWorks Press.

  Excerpts from BLAND AMBITION: From Adams to Quayle—The Cranks, Criminals, Tax Cheats, and Golfers Who Made It to Vice President. Copyright © 1992 by Steve Tally. Reprinted by permission.

  Excerpts from POPE-POURRI, by John Dollison. Copyright © 1992. Reprinted by permission of the author.

  Welcome to the Outer Limits originally appeared in Cult TV, by John Javna. Copyright © 1985. Used by permission.

  THANK YOU

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.

  John Javna

  Gordon Javna

  Michael Brunsfeld

  John Dollison

  Jennifer & Sage

  Jeff Altemus

  Jay Newman

  Sharilyn Hovind

  Jack Mingo

  Erin Barrett

  Paul Stanley

  Lonnie Kirk

  Julie Roeming

  Bennie Slomski

  Nenelle Bunnin

  Hi, Emily and Molly Bennett

  Julie Bennett

  Claudia Bauer

  Larry Kelp

  Peter Wing

  Kelly Rogers

  Ross Owens

  Leo Rosten

  Russel Schoch

  Penelope Houston

  Andrea Sohn

  Lenna Lebovich

  Mustard Press

  Eric Lefcowitz

  Jesse & Sophie, B.R.I.T.

  ...and all the

  bathroom readers

  A WORD FROM

  UNCLE JOHN

  This book is a special edition, created for the thousands of fans who’ve called or written over the years trying to get copies of our Fifth, Sixth, or Seventh Bathroom Readers. Usually they tell us that they’ve looked in a number of stores, and even tried to order them. Sometimes they ask if the books really exist—or if we’ve just been playing games with them. For those folks, this really is the Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader.

  The books do exist...But for years they’ve been next to impossible to find in bookstores. Here’s why:

  As you probably know, we’ve put out one new Bathroom Reader each year since 1988. The first four 220-page books were published by St. Martin’s Press. Then, in 1992, we decided to take over the publishing ourselves. We found a great printer (Banta), a distributor who could get our books into stores (Publishers Group West, or PGW)...and the Bathroom Readers’ Press was born.

  Thanks to enthusiastic readers, we were successful right away. Nearly every copy of Uncle John’s Fifth Bathroom Reader sold out in 1992. We were on a roll...but we still had a lot to lea
rn. When PGW asked us to reprint the book, so they could fill the thousands of new orders they were getting, we just ignored them; we were busy writing our new edition, and thought that was more important. PGW didn’t push the issue—they figured we were a little eccentric anyway.

  So there were no new copies to ship.

  The same thing happened in 1993 with Uncle John’s Sixth Bathroom Reader and in 1994 with Uncle John’s Seventh Bathroom Reader.

  In the end, the three books were never reprinted.

  A NEW ATTITUDE

  In 1995, the BRI moved to Ashland, Oregon. We decided to take the publishing business more seriously, and made a series of changes. For example, we stopped numbering the book titles, so people wouldn’t feel compelled to read them in order...and we made the Bathroom Readers longer, so they’d last a whole year. We started doing reprints of our latest books, too. (There have now been 10 editions of our 1995 volume, The Best of Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader.)

  We’re happy to say that our books are getting more popular all the time. One of the offshoots of our growing readership is an interest in the older volumes.

  Until recently, we could usually help the most insistent fans by scrounging a copy of one the Fifth, Sixth, or Seventh BR from somewhere. But now we’re completely out. Not a single one can be found anywhere...so we’ve decided to finally give in, and reprint them. This single volume contains the text of all three books.

  We’ve made a few changes—spelling and punctuation have been corrected whenever possible, and some of the running feet that were ridiculously outdated have been replaced. There are also a few replacement articles. But we’ve resisted the impulse to rewrite everything. These are reprints after all, and the important thing is simply to make them available—warts and all.

  Looking at them now, 6 to 8 years after they were written, we can see that the books have a somewhat uneven quality. Some of our favorite pieces are included here...but so are a few things we’d rather forget about.

  Overall, however, we’re proud of the material. We think this volume—our biggest ever—is a lot of fun and great bathroom reading. And that’s what counts, after all. Enjoy it...

  and

  Go With the Flow!

  CONTENTS

  NOTE

  Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject:

  Short—A quick read

  Medium—1 to 3 pages

  Long—For those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required

  POP SCIENCE

  Short

  One Nuclear Bomb Can Ruin Your Whole Day

  Colors

  Colors

  Vive la Difference!

  Medium

  The Plumber’s Helper

  Accidental Discoveries

  Spaced Out

  People-Watching

  Caffeine Facts

  Scratch ’n’ Sniff

  Left-Handed Facts

  More Left-Handed Facts

  More People-Watching

  What Is Hypnotism?

  The Fingerprint File

  To Tell the Truth

  The Bermuda Triangle

  Long

  In the Blink of an Eye

  Eat Your Vitamins!

  Mummy’s the Word

  Why Your Feet Smell

  The Strange Fate of the Dodo Bird

  QUIZZES

  Short

  What Does It Say?

  Aunt Lenna’s Puzzles

  Aunt Lenna’s Puzzles

  Aunt Lenna’s Puzzles

  Acronymania

  Test Your “Beverly Hillbillies” IQ

  The Numbers Game

  MYTH AMERICA

  Medium

  The Myth-Adventures of Christopher Columbus

  The Truth About the Panama Canal

  The Myth-Adventures of Thomas Edison

  Myth America

  Myth America

  Myth America

  Myth America

  END OF THE WORLD

  Medium

  A Handy Guide to the End of the World (Part I)

  A Handy Guide to the End of the World (Part II)

  A Handy Guide to the End of the World (Part III)

  THE PERSONAL COLUMNS

  Short

  The Elvis Sideshow

  Dubious Achievers

  Men of Letters

  Sibling Rivalry

  Fun With Elvis

  Rumors

  Rumors

  Mama Mia!

  Revenge!

  Medium

  Famous for 15 Minutes

  It’s a Miracle!

  The Dustbin of History

  Unsung Superheroes

  Meet Dr. Seuss

  Controversial Characters

  Famous for 15 Minutes

  The World’s Most Popular Twins

  Barnum’s History Lesson

  Unexpected Encounters

  The Singing Nun

  Cloudmaster Elvis

  Famous for 15 Minutes

  The Flying Nun

  “Fortunate” Sons

  Elvis: Top Gun

  Long

  Reader’s Article of the Year

  The King of Farts

  FOOD FOR THOUGHT

  Short

  10 Candy Bars You’ll Never Eat

  (Junk) Food for Thought

  Candy Bits

  The TV Dinner

  Medium

  A Slice of Life

  A Food Is Born

  Cold Foods

  A Food Is Born

  What Is SPAM?

  THE LEGAL SYSTEM

  Short

  Looney Laws

  Grounds for Divorce

  International Law

  Medium

  Order in the Court!

  Strange Lawsuits

  The Cadaver Synod

  Strange Lawsuits

  More Strange Lawsuits

  Incompetent Criminals

  Long

  Famous Trials: The Witches of Salem

  Famous Trials: Henry Ford vs. The Chicago Tribune

  WORDPLAY

  Short

  Definitions

  Tang Twusters

  Madam, I’m Adam

  Cowboy Talk

  Wordplay

  Oxymorons

  Limericks

  English / Japanese Words

  Blotto, Looped, Fried

  Twisted Titles

  Twisted Titles

  Limericks

  WORD & PHRASES

  Familiar Phrases

  Everyday Phrases

  Familiar Phrases

  Word Origins

  Famous Phrases

  Familiar Phrases

  Familiar Phrases

  Familiar Phrases

  Word Origins

  Familiar Phrases

  Word Origins

  Word Origins

  THE NAME GAME

  Short

  What’s In a Name?

  Familiar Names

  State Your Name

  Patron Saints

  You’re My Inspiration

  Familiar Names

  Basketball Names

  Myth-Pronunication

  Cartoon Names

  If Heartaches Were Wine

  Brand Names

  A Gaggle of Geese

  Name Your Poison

  Medium

  Western Nicknames

  The Months of the Year

  Long

  Silly British Village Names

  IT’S A CONSPIRACY

  Short

  Caveat Emptor

  Medium

  Nixon’s the One?

  The S&L Scandal: True or False?

  Double-Cross in the Desert?

  Sweetened With Fruit Juice?

  Little Nariyah’s Tale

  Long

  Who Killed Malcolm X?

  Reefer Madness

  Who Killed Marilyn?

 
; True Lies: The Tonkin Incident

  Who Helped Hitler?

  BUSINESS NEWS

  Short

  Made In America?

  Three Memorable Sales Promotions

  The Latest Thing

  Fabulous Flops

  Medium

  Fabulous Flops

  Give Yourself Some Credit

  Promotions that Backfired

  Lloyd’s of London

  PRIMETIME PROVERBS

  Short

  Primetime Proverbs

  Primetime Proverbs

  Primetime Proverbs

  Primetime Proverbs

  Primetime Proverbs

  Primetime Proverbs

  Primetime Proverbs

  Primetime Proverbs

  POP HISTORY

  Short

  Parking Meter Trivia

  Who Were Harley & Davidson?

  Everyday Origins

  Great Cars of Yesteryear

  Look It Up!

  Medium

  What, Me Worry?

  The Rock ’n’ Roll Riots of 1956

  Family Holidays

  Condom Sense

  The Goodyear Blimp

  The Whole Tooth

  MTV Facts

  First Reports

  Origin of the “Big Three” Networks

  The Toughest Town in the West

  The Pencil

  How to Take a Shower-Bath

  POP-POURRI

  Short

  Where-ing Clothes

  Happy Birthday!

  A Toy Is Born

  That’s a Load of Garbage

  Lucky Strikes

  Three Weird Medical Conditions

  Medium

  Pretty Flamingos

  Innovations in Your Home

  Start Your Own Country

  Wedding Superstitions

  Oops! Part 1

  Money Facts

  Oops! Part 2

  The Genuine Article

  The Grimm Philosophy

  Diamond Voodoo

  Knitting with Dog Hair

  The Birth of the Comic Book

  Oops! Part 3

  Bad Hair Days

  Pet Fads

  The Jeep Story

  The Barney Story

  The Naked Truth

  Building the Pentagon

  To Shave, or Not to Shave

  Long

  Who Wrote Shakespeare’s Plays?

  Dave Barry’s Embarrassing Moments

  The Mona Lisa

  It’s a Miracle!

  CHILDHOOD WISDOM

  Short

  Go Ask Alice