Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader Read online

  Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader

  Bathroom Readers Institute

  * * *

  * * *

  Uncle John’s

  UNSTOPPABLE

  BATHROOM

  READER

  By the

  Bathroom Readers’

  Institute

  Bathroom Readers’ Press

  Ashland, Oregon

  OUR “REGULAR” READERS RAVE!

  “Thank you for helping me get an ‘A’ in my college speech class. We had to do an impromptu tribute speech and I chose Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader for my subject. I actually made my professor laugh all through the speech.”

  —CeCe R.

  “Several years ago, for Father’s Day, we sent my Dad a gift certificate to a book store. He purchased a Bathroom Reader. We continued to send gift certificates; he continued to buy Bathroom Readers. When he passed away last year, my mom gave me his collection. He had 7. Since then, I’ve started buying more volumes. My son, Mitchell, even bought Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader For Kids Only with his own money. Now three generations of my family enjoy your books.”

  —Mark A.

  “I received an e-mail from your staff welcoming me to the BRI family. It said if I wanted to be flushed, I should tell you. Never—and I say never—flush me. Thanks to your books I keep my friends amazed with the info I know. I give you credit for teaching me more stuff then I learned in school.”

  —Brendan

  “It’s perfect for any occasion. When we needed a house warming gift, we got an Uncle John’s. When we needed Christmas presents, we gave Uncle John’s. We were invited to a birthday party for three men and needed gifts for all three. Not knowing what they liked or needed, we bought three Bathroom Readers! The response?… They can’t stop talking about it. Thank you.”

  —John J.

  “You’re the best thing to happen to the reading room since indoor plumbing and store-bought tissue (them cornhusks can get mighty rough you know!) Keep up the good work and Go with the Flow!”

  —Rick B.

  UNCLE JOHN’S UNSTOPPABLE

  BATHROOM READER®

  Copyright © 2003 by The Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. “Bathroom Reader” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor. All rights reserved.

  For information, write

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute,

  P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520

  www.bathroomreader.com

  888-488-4642

  Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld,

  San Rafael, CA ([email protected]).

  BRI “technician” on back cover: Larry Kelp.

  Uncle John’s

  Unstoppable Bathroom Reader®

  by The Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-606-7

  E-book edition: February 2012

  * * * * *

  “What’s the Number for 911 Again?,” © 2001 by Leland H. Gregory. Visit www.realwacky.com for actual, stupid 911 calls as well as to purchase his audio CD, Wacky 911, and his previous book, What’s the Number for 911? Used by permission from the author and Andrews McMeel Publishing, 4520 Main St., Kansas City, MO 64111.

  THANK YOU!

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.

  Gordon Javna

  John Dollison

  Jay Newman

  Jennifer

  Jeff Altemus

  Julia Papps

  Thom Little

  Jahnna Beecham

  Sharilyn Hovind

  Michael Brunsfeld

  Brian Henry

  Angela Kern

  Lori Larson

  Sam Javna

  Sydney Stanley

  Gideon Javna

  Jim McCluskey

  Alan Reder

  Janet Spencer

  Malcolm Hillgartner

  Maggie McLaughlin

  Amanda Wilson

  Allen Orso

  Mike Nicita

  Georgine Liedell

  JoAnn Padgett

  Dylan Drake

  Paul Stanley

  Jenny Baldwin

  Barb Porshe

  Paula Leith

  Chris Olsen

  Raingirl Thering

  Joyce Slayton

  Steve Pitt

  Lyne Brennanski

  Jolly Jeff Cheek

  Bruce Carlson

  David Harp

  Nate Hendley

  Scarab Media

  John Javna

  Marley & Catie Pratt

  Thomas Crapper

  * * *

  THE BRI HONOR ROLL

  (Our most diligent contributors)

  Steve Sutherland • Jim de Graff • Aaron Allermann • Nate Nathanson Shari Mikaelsson • Richard Cranston II • Beth Scribble • Dean Bliss David Crumpler • Max L. Israel • Sara Cole • Artemio Visaya Richard Staples • And a special thanks to Eddie Deezen

  Hiya Sophie! Hiya Jessie!

  CONTENTS

  Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.

  Short—a quick read

  Medium—2 to 3 pages

  Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required

  *Extended—for those leg-numbing experiences

  BATHROOM NEWS

  Short

  Bathroom News

  Happy Toilets

  Medium

  Uncle John’s Stall of Fame

  Let’s Play Toilet Golf

  File Under “Underwear”

  Toilet Tech

  The Doo-Doo Man

  Uncle John’s Stall of Shame

  Long

  This Old (Out)house

  The Outhouse Detectives

  THE NAME GAME

  Short

  Fun With Names

  Medium

  Name That Sleuth

  Name That Country

  Founding Fathers

  Founding (hic!) Fathers

  A BLUNDERFUL LIFE

  Short

  What’s the Number for 911?

  Medium

  Oops!

  Crème de la Crud

  Fabulous Flops

  Curtains!

  Oops!

  World-Class Losers

  MYTHS & LEGENDS

  Short

  Not What They Seem to Be

  Myth-Conceptions

  Medium

  Hoaxmeister

  Cat Tales

  Urban Legends

  You’ve Got Mail!

  The Ice Worm Cometh

  Long

  Classic Publicity Stunts

  Urban Legends

  Coyote Rings the Wrong Bell

  AMERICANA

  Short

  Divorce, Prospector-Style

  The Way of the Hobo

  Medium

  Filthy Water People

  The Dustbin of History

  Chair-leaders

  Long

  Land of the Giants

  Free With Purchase

  BUSINESS

  Short

  (B)Ad Promotions

  Pleased to Meat You

  Medium

  Space, Inc

  Uncle John’s Second Favorite Roll

  Weird-Mart

  Funny Business

  The
Bigger They Are

  Long

  At the Auction

  * The Worst Business Decision in U.S. History

  FORGOTTEN HISTORY

  Short

  Things You Didn’t Know About WWII

  Management Expects

  Medium

  The Mad Bomber, Part I

  The Mad Bomber, Part II

  Long

  The Great Brinks Robbery

  The Lady of the Lines

  Intrepid: Master Spy

  * The French Foreign Legion

  ORIGINS

  Short

  Household Origins

  Medium

  True Glue

  Everyday Objects

  Jumping for Joy

  Long

  How Paper Became Money, Part I

  How Paper Became Money, Part II

  PHRASES & WORD ORIGINS

  Short

  Word Origins

  Medium

  Familiar Phrases

  Tawk O’ Da Town

  Familiar Phrases

  Word Origins

  ANIMALS

  Short

  Chicken Nuggets

  The Bugs and the Bees

  The Cat’s Meow

  Medium

  Die-Hard Chicken

  Animal Name Origins

  Heroic Birds

  Long

  Kibble Me This

  CUSTOMS & SUPERSTITIONS

  Short

  Wedding Trivia

  Animal Superstitions

  Cure For What Ails Ye

  Food Superstitions

  Medium

  Maneki Neko

  Card-Playing Superstitions

  Now They Tell Us

  FOOD FOR THOUGHT

  Short

  Icky Licky Sticks

  How to Cook a Porcupine

  Medium

  Today’s Menu

  What’s A Jeraboam?

  Long

  Birth of the Bagel

  LAW & ORDER

  Short

  Dumb Crooks of the Old West

  Go Directly to Jail

  Dumb Crooks

  Medium

  Celebrity Lawsuits

  Strange Lawsuits

  Dumb Crooks

  Real Toys of the CIA

  Celebrity Lawsuits

  Strange Lawsuits

  Long

  * The Federal Witness Protection Program

  Not-So-Wiseguys

  LIFE IS STRANGE

  Short

  Lonely Phone Booth

  Phone Phunnies

  Medium

  You Call This Art?

  It’s a Weird, Weird World

  Lucky Finds

  Weird Canada

  I Got It Back!

  The Santa Chronicles

  It’s a Weird, Weird World

  Ironic, Isn’t It?

  This Is…UJNN

  Long

  Revenge!

  IT’S A CONSPIRACY!

  Short

  Conspiracy Theory

  Medium

  The Paranoid’s Field Guide to Secret Societies

  Long

  Moon Scam?

  * Who Killed Jimi Hendrix?

  THAT’S DEATH

  Short

  Famous Last Words

  The Last Laugh: Epitaphs

  Reading Tombstones

  Medium

  A Passing Fancy

  “Paging Mr. Post”

  PUBLIC LIVES

  Short

  Made a Fortune

  Lost a Fortune

  Medium

  Sorry About That

  Celebrity Rumors

  Missing Parts

  Sorry (Not Really)

  Exile on Easy Street

  Long

  Before They Were Infamous

  A Lot to Lose

  The Adventures of Eggplant

  POLITICS

  Short

  Politalks

  Medium

  The Rhinoceros Party

  “Extremism in the Defense of Liberty”

  King of Canada

  Long

  Famous Close Calls

  The Birth of the Democratic Party

  “Let Us Begin Anew”

  The Rise and Fall of the Whigs

  * Join the Party: The Republicans

  POP SCIENCE

  Short

  That’s Rich!

  Let’s Do a Study!

  Cool Billions

  Diseases That Just Won’t Die

  Medium

  Q & A: Ask the Experts

  The Time It Takes

  The Ig Nobel Prizes

  Rise of the Machines

  Q & A: Ask the Experts

  Simple Solutions

  According to the Latest Research

  Q & A: Ask the Experts

  Long

  More Simple Solutions

  POP-POURRI

  Short

  You’re My Inspiration

  Little Things Mean a Lot

  Dubious Achievers

  Uncle John’s Page of Lists

  I Love the ‘80s!

  How’d You Meter?

  If Murphy Were A

  The Hollywood Quiz

  Little Things Mean a Lot

  I Love the ‘80s!

  Medium

  Local Heroes

  Pop Culture Quiz

  One-of-a-Kind Hotels

  Bets You Can’t Lose

  Eh Two, Canada?

  MOUTHING OFF

  Short

  Comic Relief

  Money Talks

  What is Love?

  Buddha’s Wisdom

  Unscripted

  Wise Women

  Comic Relief, Too

  Sweet Success!

  Mead’s Creed

  Back in the Saddle

  Peter’s Principles

  Chanisms

  SPORTS & AMUSEMENTS

  Short

  First Editions

  Dumb Jocks?

  Dumb Jocks?

  Medium

  Diamond Gems

  Fore!

  More Diamond Gems

  Long

  Lacrosse

  Ante Up!

  MUSIC

  Short

  The Who?

  On Tour With Elvis

  Medium

  Behind the Hits

  The Glass Armonica

  Long

  Eatin’ the Tin Sandwich

  * Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band

  THE REEL STUFF

  Short

  Box Office Bloopers

  Crème de la Crud

  Medium

  Life Imitates Art

  Chan the Man

  Long

  The Wilhelm Scream

  Return of the Sequel

  WORDPLAY

  Short

  Come Hear Bertha Belch

  Flubbed Headlines

  Amazing Anagrams

  The Man From C.R.A.P

  I’ve Been Cornobbled!

  Groaners

  Driver Sleeping

  Limericks

  Return of the Man From C.R.A.P

  Poker Lingo

  Granny Dumping

  A Pig in Pink Tights

  Brainteasers

  Medium

  Le Hot Dog?

  Sam’s Brainteasers

  News Corrections

  WINGS

  Short

  Just Plane Weird

  Medium

  The Fabulous Flying Flea

  Aero-Nuts

  Winging It

  Long

  Flying Flops

  Birth of the Helicopter

  TV OR NOT TV

  Short

  Primetime Proverbs

  Star Trek Wisdom

  Neighborhood Gossip

  Medium

  Made in Japan: Weird Game Shows

  The Sopranos Quiz

  Where There’s a Will… There’s Grace
>
  Host With the Most

  Long

  America’s First Reality TV Show

  So Long, Neighbor

  WHAT A DISASTER

  Short

  Hurricanes 101

  Medium

  The Halifax Explosion

  Hurricane Hazel

  Eye of the Hurricane

  Long

  Death on the Mississippi

  ANSWERS

  Brainteasers

  The Sopranos Quiz

  Sam’s Brainteasers

  Name That Country

  Hollywood Quiz

  * * *

  “No, I don’t understand my husband’s theory of relativity,

  but I know my husband and I know he can be trusted.”

  —Elsa Einstein

  INTRODUCTION

  When we were kids, the end of summer meant the start of school, and that got us nervous and excited. For us here at the Bathroom Readers’ Institute, the end of summer now means “Uh-oh! It’s time to get the next Bathroom Reader into bookstores!” And you know what? We still get nervous and excited.

  This year we decided to try something different. Instead of spending months and months on writing and researching as usual, we went to see Dr. Flipseater, the Mad Inventor. And he built us a contraption called the “Information Grinder.”

  Here’s how it works: We shovel mountains of books, newspapers, and magazines into one end of the Information Grinder, flip the switch, and after a few minutes of buzzing and whirring, guess what comes out of the other end—this book.

  …Well, that’s not exactly how it happens. The Bathroom Reader is a result a lot of hard work by some wonderfully dedicated people, like John D., Jay, Julia, Jahnna, Jeff, Jennifer, Joyce, Jim—plus a few whose names don’t begin with “J” (like Thom, Sharilyn, Malcolm, Maggie, Bryan, and Angie).

  And the product, we hope, is a great book that will tickle you, our wonderfully dedicated readers.

  It’s hard for us to believe that we’ve been creating Bathroom Readers for 15 years…but we have. The other day, when I was leaving a restaurant, the owner stopped me and pointed to my Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader cap (available at www.bathroomreader.com…I’d mention the name of the restaurant, too—it might be good for a free meal—but I can’t remember it).

  “Hey, great hat,” he said. I thanked him and told him about www.bathroomreader.com, because you can find some great hats there (black or tan).

  Anyway, he told me that he had several Bathroom Readers and that he’d been reading them for years. Suddenly I felt good all over because it reminded me of why we keep making these books: we love doing it, and our readers love reading them. How do we know? You keep telling us.

  Dear BRI,

  I received my first Bathroom Reader as a graduation gift from college. I now have seven books (a pittance of your offering). You make bathroom time, brain time. Thanks.

  —Kara

  Thanks to you, dear readers, we are—like the title says—

  UNSTOPPABLE.

  A few notes:

  • Readers looking for our Extended Sitting Section may turn to the back of the book, get upset that they can’t find it and assume we omitted it. Not so. We only omitted the divider page, figuring, why waste a page? We’d rather give you more bathroom reading.