Uncle John’s Presents Mom’s Bathtub Reader Read online

  SUE STEINER

  SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA, AND ASHLAND, OREGON

  Dedicated to All Moms Everywhere.

  UNCLE JOHN’S PRESENTS

  MOM’S BATHTUB READER

  Copyright © 2004 by Portable Press.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  “Uncle John’s Presents” is a trademark of Portable Press.

  For information, write

  Portable Press

  5880 Oberlin Drive, San Diego, CA 92121

  e-mail: [email protected]

  ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-681-4

  E-book Edition: September 2012

  04 05 06 07 0810 9 8 7 6 5 4 3

  Project Team

  Amy Briggs, Project Editor

  Allen Orso, Publisher

  JoAnn Padgett, Director, Editorial and Production

  Victoria Bullman, Copy Editor

  Dan Mansfield, Copy Editor

  Mana Monzavi, Production Assistance

  Lois Stanfield, Interior Design and Composition

  Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld

  ([email protected])

  THANK YOU HYSTERICAL SCHOLARS!

  The author and the Bathroom Readers’ Hysterical Society sincerely thank the following people who contributed selections to this work.

  Amy Briggs

  Myles Callum

  Jane Lott

  Danielle Markson

  Lea Markson

  John Scalzi

  Rebecca Steiner

  Contents

  AS THE WORLD TURNS

  Mammismo!

  Bringing Up Baby

  Kiddin’ Around the World

  Africa’s Joyful Moms

  Calling Dr. Mom

  CINEMA-MA

  Good Moms Movie Festival

  Lights! Camera! Action Moms!

  Reel Moms & Kids

  Bad Moms Movie Festival

  FACTS AND FIGURES

  Advancing Adoption

  Labor Pains

  Just the Facts, Ma’am

  Motherhood by the Numbers

  Where in the World Is Mom?

  FOLKLORE AND LEGENDS

  Mom’s Haunted House

  Haunting Dysfunction

  The Age-Old Guessing Game

  JUST KIDDIN’

  The Mother of All Mothering Advice

  Your Face Will Freeze Like That!

  Ladies’ Man, Mama’s Boy?

  Lullaby Power

  THE MAMAS AND THE MUSIC

  You Know, That Song Called “Mother”?

  Your Mother Should Know...

  Oh, Mama!

  Get Down, Mama!

  Mama Presley’s Pink Cadillac

  Can’t We All Judd Get Along?

  Name that Mama Diva!

  MEMORABLE MOTHERS

  She Had a Dream

  Giving Charity Her Due

  The Gold(a) Standard

  Jigalong Home

  The Dalai Lama’s Mama

  The Real Migrant Mother

  Secret Agent Mom

  Eskimo Mom Extraordinaire

  Mom Gets MADD

  The Battle for Baby M

  MOMMY FAIRPLAY

  The Flying Dutchwoman

  Ante Up, Mom!

  Like Mother, Like Son

  Mom Takes a Dive

  Swoopes, There It Is

  MOM’S GONE WILD

  Saving Kitty’s Litter

  Koko Kares for Kitten

  Mom Goes Buggy

  Great Mama Ape!

  MOTHER MISCELLANY

  Meeting Mom on the Road

  You Say Mama, I Say Mada . . .

  Moms Rally for Peace? And Howe!

  Dear Uncle John

  Mom Is a Stand-Up Gal

  The True Story Behind Mother’s Day

  Uncle John’s Stage Mother Awards

  MOTHER NECESSITY

  The Single Mother of Invention

  Snugl Up!

  Goddess Moms’ Divine Woes

  Barbie Doll’s Mom

  MYTHOLOGICAL MUMS

  Goddesses, Saints, and Moms

  Mom Makes the World Go ‘Round

  PUZZLES AND QUIZZES

  Mama, You Puzzle Me

  Spot the Mom!

  More Spot the Moms!

  Puzzled Moms and Kids

  Spot Those Moms, Again!

  READ ALL ABOUT MOM

  Lit 101: The Play’s the Thing

  Lit 101: A Novel Approach

  Kids and Soul Mates Don’t Mix

  SCIENCE AND NATURE

  Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Daughter

  Mom’s Got You Under Her Skin

  Mom’s Brave Brain

  Are You What Mom Ate?

  Mom’s Sensational Senses

  The Power of Motherly Love

  STUPENDOUS STEPMOTHERS

  Honor Thy Stepmom

  Cool Stepmoms Keep Their Royal Heads

  Did She Eat Schnitzel with Noodles?

  THAT’S ANCIENT HISTORY

  The Classic Moms

  Lucky or Lethal Livia?

  Cave Mom Couture?

  There’s No Mummy Like an Egyptian Mummy

  TV OR NOT TV?

  TV Moms I: The Perfect Years

  TV Moms II: Groovy Gals

  TV Moms III: TV Gets Real(er)

  TV Moms IV: Work It

  They Loved Lucille

  TV Moms V: Tough Mamas

  Answer Pages

  Acknowledgments

  I have lots of folks to thank, especially in my family. As a friend of mine so aptly put it after visiting with me while I was writing for the deadline: “Your husband is a saint!” It’s true. Thank you, Saint Daniel Steiner and for the saintly puns you contributed too.

  A big thanks to my daughters for their expertise. Rachel was a fine researcher. Rebecca wrote and co-wrote articles for the book, especially in the social sciences.

  At Portable Press: Very special thanks to Amy Briggs, a wonderful editor who tirelessly—and always tactfully—improved my work and put the text into book form. And I’m very grateful to JoAnn Padgett and Allen Orso for encouragement and for making this book happen. They make the Uncle John series great to write for—and great to read.

  Thanks to all the talented writers who contributed: Rebecca Steiner, Lea and Danielle Markson, John Scalzi, Myles Callum, and Jane Lott.

  Thanks to agent Martha Casselman and also to Amy Rose.

  And a thank you to all these talented folks who encouraged or helped me with this project. Alex Cohen, Sam Fisk, Brad Hennig, Marc Louria, Hannah and Dean Yurke, Kiki Goshay, Ted Andrews, Stephanie Spadaccini, Marty Markson, Silvia Landeros and Kathleen Glaubinger.

  Last but not least, to Anne Berkowitz for her advice and patience through months of writing—thanks Mom.

  Preface

  Why an Uncle John book about mothers? In the immortal words of Shakespeare’s Hamlet: “There are more things in a mom’s world, Horatio than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” Okay, maybe Hamlet didn’t say that exactly . . . but he should have.

  If we’ve learned anything from writing this book (aside from “Don’t chew with your mouth open,” and “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”) it’s that the world of mothers is wider, richer, and wackier than even we ever suspected

  Mothers really have the power to surprise. Did you know that cave moms were exceedingly fashionable? Or that ancient Egyptian ladies used a home pregnancy test kit that ac
tually worked? How about that the food your mom ate when she was pregnant may have affected your genetic make-up? Certainly none of us ever figured that some moms-to-be would predict the sex of their babies—using Drano!

  But if they’re often doing the unexpected, mothers are also just what they’re expected to be: loving, dedicated, inspired, and inspiring. Elvis Presley may be the King of Rock n’ Roll, but Gladys Smith Presley is surely its Queen Mum. It was Gladys who saved up to buy Elvis his first guitar, who nurtured his talent and even helped to shape his sexy, side-burned ‘do. Diki Tsering was a simple peasant mother who brought more kindness and compassion into our world simply by teaching those values to her son, the Dalai Lama.

  Which brings me to a personal note and the most important lesson that I learned from creating this book. Mothers have an amazing ability to change the world for the better. Rich or poor, scholarly or illiterate, famous or unknown, mothers have achieved greatness simply by doing a good job of raising their kids.

  So this book is a tribute from Uncle John to your mom, to mine, and to great mothers everywhere. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing for it.

  Oh, and hi Mom!

  Sue Steiner

  Foreword

  Moms. Where would we be without them? (Certainly not writing this foreward, that’s for sure.)

  Here at Portable Press, we’re just bubbling with excitement and pride over the newest addition to the Uncle John’s family.

  MOM’S BATHTUB READER

  Our new Bathtub Reader is a reader’s delight, created for and dedicated to those wonderful people who mean so much to us all. Inside its covers, you’ll find fun and fascinating facts about:

  •Pioneering Mothers of Invention

  •Heroic Mums from the Animal Kingdom

  •Mothering Through the Ages

  •Crying for Mama in Russian, Chinese, and Even Esperanto

  •Rating Moms from the Movies—the Best and Worst!

  •and much, much more!

  Enough about the book, we want you to discover the delights for yourself . . . Please enjoy!

  Uncle Al

  Publisher

  P.S. A very special thank-you to our moms from A.O., J.P., and A.B.

  Mammismo!

  That’s-a-my-boy?

  Have you heard of mammismo? No, it’s not an ice cream flavor or a type of cappuccino, it’s a way of life for guys and their devoted mamas. But is it the wave of the future?

  “Mammismo,” to get formal about it, usually refers to a relationship of privileged dependence on the maternal figure, who is seen as a symbol of protection and safety. To get less formal: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amoré. But when your son stays at home and doesn’t go out on his own? That’s mammismo.

  LIVING IT UP IN THE HOTEL MAMA

  In mammismo households, a mama nurtures (some would say “spoils”) her sons to the point where they completely rely on her to take care of them—even when they’re all grown up. In Italy these days, everybody knows about the problem of mammismo. Especially wives and girlfriends.

  Why would a thirtysomething successful businessman still live at home? Why not? Mama has a home-cooked supper ready when he comes in from work. She gets his laundry done, irons his designer shirts, and she doesn’t question him when he goes out. Oh, and some mamas even serve coffee in bed every morning. That’s classic mammismo.

  As for the son who has such a bad case of can’t-leave-mom-itis, he has a name too. He’s a “mammoni.” Mammismo and mammoni. They’re a phenomenon that’s on the rise.

  CAN YOU ANSWER THIS SURVEY OR DO YOU NEED MOM’S HELP?

  In 2000, the Italian National Statistics Institute took a survey that revealed what a lot of frustrated single Italian women already knew. Seventy percent of unmarried Italian men reached the age of 30 while still living at home with mama. That percentage rose sharply in the 1990s and shows no signs of falling.

  Over 30 percent of unmarried Italian men between 30 and 34 still live at home, and even when they marry, many still find it hard to say ciao to mom. The Institute’s survey also found that 43 percent of all married children live within a half-mile of their mama’s house. Some guys even stayed with their mama after they were hitched. Oh, and 70 percent call their moms every day.

  INVESTIGATING MAMMISMO

  So why are Italian sons and mothers so inseparable? Since ancient times the bond between an Italian man and his mother has been strong. A mammoni will often say that his mother is happiest when she’s waiting on him, and he’ll be right. Italian mothers have been known to equate devotion with coddling, and many would feel mortified if sonny had to make his own lasagna. When mama is reluctant to cut the cord and her boy is reluctant to give up home-cooked pasta, mammismo is the result. But other factors contribute to it as well. Factors like euros.

  Italians are better educated than ever, attending universities in large numbers. But scholarships and financial aid are hard to come by. Many students are dependent on their parents while in school and may remain so after graduation. When stiff job competition meets long periods of unemployment, lack of funds can force children of both sexes back to their mothers’ homes.

  Since many Italian homes are not as authoritarian as they once were, most adult children report that they can come and go as they please. For an Italian man, this combination of economic benefits and individual freedom is sweetened with the strong traditional tie between himself and his mother. It all adds up to a down-home life with mama. And, say many Italians, if it makes both mother and son happy . . . hey, what’s-a so bad?

  MAMA-IN-LAW-MISMO

  More and more Italian guys vote for mammismo with their seats (they sit down at their mom’s dinner table and don’t leave), but not everyone is happy with the cultural phenomenon. Psychologists warn that mammismo encourages a long adolescence, postponing a man’s ability to become independent and meet life’s challenges. Indeed, some mama’s boys will never break away, choose a partner, and create a family of their own.

  Italian women often complain that they must impress their sweetie’s mother to get anywhere with him. Some say they hold second place in their man’s heart, with first place reserved for mama. And since so many guys refuse to move far from their devoted mothers, daughters-in-law can find themselves competing over who should feed, clothe, and spoil their man.

  When both husband and mother-in-law agree that mama should still have the pleasure of doing hubby’s laundry and cooking his dinner, new wives get frustrated. When he takes mama along on vacation—well, sometimes that’s the last straw . . . or noodle.

  Since extreme mammismo can put a stress on marriage, in 2003 the Italian courts weighed in on the side of wives. They ruled that an overbearing and interfering mother-in-law could be considered grounds for divorce.

  THE WAVE OF THE FUTURE?

  But will the court ruling put a dent in the trend toward more mammismo? Hard to say. Mama continues as a force to be reckoned with—and not just in Italy. Belgium is experiencing a trend of adult children staying closer to their parents. In the 1980s, 50 percent of Belgian 18-year-olds left home. These days the figure is closer to 20 percent. In Spain, half of the male 28-year-olds are still viviendo con mama. Even more traditionally independent-minded British and American kids are residing longer at chez you-know-who. We’ll be watching and waiting to see if mammismo truly goes global or if mamas eventually go crazy from all those darn grown kids in the house!

  “A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest.” —Irish proverb

  Goddesses, Saints, and Moms

  On Mother’s Day, get in the spirit of ancient times and treat mom like a goddess!

  In ancient times mothers were greatly honored—sort of. In many ancient religions, the “Great Mother” was the dominant figure, worshipped under many names: Isis in Egypt, Ishtar in Babylonia, Rhea in Greece, and Cybele in Rome. And that’s just to mention a few. She was the creative
force in nature, a symbol of fertility, and the mother of all things.

  But if there was great reverence for the Great Mother, then what about the ordinary mom? The one who spent all day cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids—not to mention working in the fields or at a loom or spinning wheel? Did she get any respect?

  A TASTE OF HONEY

  The first known celebrations that honored mom (more or less) were held in ancient Greece. Individual mothers got glory—even if it was just reflected glory. Ancient Greeks honored their divine mother goddess, Rhea, every spring. They held celebrations at dawn, replete with flowers, wine, and honey cakes. It was the beginning of traditions that eventually resurfaced in modern times. Moms who get flowers and breakfast in bed can thank the ancient Greeks.

  WHEN IN ROME, PARTY LIKE THE MOMS DO

  By 250 BC the Romans decided that if the Greeks could honor Rhea as the mother goddess, Rome would darn well honor Cybele, their mother of the Roman pantheon (after all, why should the Greeks have all the wine and honey cakes?). Then, when the citizens of Rome began honoring Cybele, they acted with typical Roman restraint, which is to say no restraint at all. They threw a huge party for her.

  Rites to honor Cybele lasted a wild three days, from March 22 to March 25. On the 25th, there was a hilaria, or “celebration.” The hilaria featured parades and games dedicated to Cybele. In the evening, Romans indulged in feasts, disguised themselves for masquerades, and in general partied very hearty.

  FROM SINNING TO SAINTS

  Scholars believe that when Christianity came to Rome, Cybele’s spring romp formed the basis of a new religious holiday. In an attempt to woo pagan followers, the church adapted Christian celebrations to resemble the pagan ones. In place of celebrating Cybele, Christians devoted a day to Mary, the mother of Christ. So in the spring, instead of racy fertility rites and masquerades, people honored Mary by bringing offerings to church one day during Lent.