Beer-Topia Read online

  “You from within our glasses, you lusty golden brew, whoever imbibes takes fire from you. The young and the old sing your praises. Here’s to beer, here’s to cheer, here’s to beer.”

  —Bedrich Smetana, The Bartered Bride (1865)

  UNCLE JOHN’S BEER-TOPIA

  Copyright © 2015 by Portable Press.

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  Portable Press is an imprint of the Printers Row Publishing Group A Division of Readerlink Distribution Services, LLC

  “Bathroom Reader,” “Portable Press,” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Readerlink Distribution Services, LLC.

  All rights reserved

  For information, write: The Bathroom Readers’ Institute,

  P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520

  www.bathroomreader.com

  Cover and interior design by Andy Taray – Ohioboy.com

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Uncle John’s beer-topia.

  pages cm

  ISBN 978-1-62686-375-0

  1. Beer--Humor. 2. Beer--Anecdotes. I. Bathroom Readers’ Institute (Ashland, Or.) II. Title: Beer-vana.

  PN6231.B43U53 2015

  818’.607--dc23

  2014041247

  First Printing: March 2015

  1 2 3 4 519 18 17 16 15

  THANK YOU!

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.

  CONTENTS

  Ale vs. Lager

  A Guide to Ales

  The Beer Taster’s Glossary of Terms

  What Makes a Beer a Beer?

  A Child’s Garden of Malt Trivia

  Ancient Beer

  Beers That Went Flat

  The Proper Glass

  The Craft Beer Revolution

  It’s Oktoberfest!

  Beer by the Numbers

  A Child’s Garden of Hops Trivia

  How to Talk Like a Brewer

  For Your Health!

  Strange Beer Flavors

  Totally Necessary Beer Gadgets

  83 Funny Craft Beer Names

  A Guide to Lagers

  Something in the Water

  The Beer Belly: Fact or Fiction?

  Beer Under Prohibition

  How to Open a Beer Without a Bottle Opener

  A Toast to Andre the Giant

  44 Hops Varieties with Cool Names

  The World’s Most Expensive Beers

  Who Owns What

  Hair of the Dog

  Better Living Through Packaging

  The Universal Language

  Beer Treats

  The United States of Beer, Part 1

  Billy Beer

  The Wisdom of Billy Carter

  Make Your Own Beer in Two Hours

  More Strange Beer Flavors

  Very Old Drinking Games

  Beers Named After Great Writers and Artists

  More of the World’s Most Expensive Beers

  Your Dad’s Beer, Part 1

  Beer Is Good for You!

  Beer Movies

  The Hows and Whys of Nonalcoholic Beer

  The Most Popular Beers on Earth

  A Beer for Everything

  The United States of Beer, Part 2

  Beers Named After Musicians

  Zombie Beer

  Make It a Lite

  Beer Myths, Debunked

  Hangovers: How Do They Work?

  Beer Math

  Destination: Beer

  Beers from TV

  “Hooray Beer!”

  This Bud(s) for You

  A Beer Mixtape

  The United States of Beer, Part 3

  Funny (and Real) British Pub Names

  Weights & Measures

  The Goats Who Loved Beer

  Your Dad’s Beer, Part 2

  Running on Beer

  Pilgrim Pride

  Everything’s Fining

  The World’s Top Beerhounds

  Beer Meets Caffeine

  The United States of Beer, Part 4

  8 Odd Beer Laws

  Bear-Topia

  The London Beer Flood

  Canadian Beer Cocktails

  The Perfect Pour

  Can’t Get Enough of that Wonderful Duff

  The Dry Beer Fad

  Breweriana

  The United States of Beer, Part 5

  Washington’s Tab

  Thinking of Beer

  Answers

  CHEERS!

  We’re in the middle of a beer revolution. There’s nothing wrong with that canned stuff people used to drink at the bowling alley, but beer is a whole new animal these days. We’re talking about the rich, intricate concoction brewed in small batches by innovative brewers all across the nation. And these brewers are true heroes, carefully selecting everything that goes into our beer, from the water, to the hops, to the goofy name they slap on the label. The world of beer has become, in short, a Beer-Topia. (Just like the name of this book!) And as it turns out, it’s almost as much fun to read about beer as it is to drink it. (Almost.) So pour yourself a glass of beer-flavored words. Some of what’s on tap:

  •The best local beer in every state

  •How to perfectly pour a beer, and into just the right glass

  •The strangest-tasting and most expensive beers

  •What’s really in a beer, and who really made it

  •And barrels more!

  Whether you’re a seasoned beer snob, a novice, or a homebrewer, there’s something for you in the Beer-Topia.

  — UNCLE JOHN AND THE BATHROOM READERS’ INSTITUTE

  ALE VS. LAGER

  Despite all the hundreds if not thousands of varieties of beer out there, there are really only two main types of beer: ales and lagers. On the great beer family tree, this is the basic fork that divides every drink, and it all comes down to the brewing process.

  Ales are made with “top-fermenting” yeast, which is active at higher temperatures—around 60 to 75 degrees Fahrenheit—and ferment quicker, usually over a week or so, but sometimes even less. They also produce esters, the fruity or flowery scents detected by drinkers with refined palates.

  Lagers, meanwhile, are brewed using “bottom-fermenting” yeast, which is active in colder climes (around 34 degrees). These drinks mature more slowly, in cold storage, and tend to have a hoppier flavor profile.

  A GUIDE TO ALES

  Wheat Beer/Hefeweizen. The granddaddy of beer, this brew is generally regarded as the oldest style that still has any sort of widespread popularity, and it’s pretty much what it sounds like: beer brewed with a mixture of wheat and barley. The traditional recipe, still used to produce Bavarian hefeweizen, calls for a 50/50 blend between the two, although wheat can gobble up a much higher percentage, plus noble hops, ale yeast, and water. Low on hops flavor and generally “softer” than some of its cousins in the ale family, it tends to possess a cloudy appearance due to the wheat proteins in the brew, both in its traditional form and in Belgium, where unmalted wheat is combined with spices to produce “white beers” such as Hoegaarden.

  Pale Ale. This is a broad term used to describe all kinds of beer, but it all got its start in the early 18th century. Some frustrated brewers at the Burton-on-Trent brewery in England started looking for alternatives to wood-fired kilns, whose unpredictable heat gave barley too dark a roast and o
ften scorched the inventory. Turning to coke (processed coal) for their new heat supply, they discovered it was easier to control, allowing for a lighter roast—and in turn, a paler beer. In the UK, if you hear someone refer to a “pint of bitter,” that’s pale ale, and it ranges from low-alcohol by volume light brews (occasionally referred to as “boys’ bitter”) to the higher alcohol ends of the spectrum, spanning “ordinary” to “premium” and “best” bitters. Elsewhere in the world, pale ales tend to diverge from the maltier British brews; in the U.S., they can be almost as hoppy as India pale ales while still maintaining that light brown hue.

  India Pale Ale. The IPA has its roots in England’s colonial occupation of India—a time when beer storage techniques weren’t quite as refined as they are today. British citizens living in India found it difficult to get their hands on ale from the homeland because it tended to spoil during the long, oversea voyage from point A to point B. The solution? Load the stuff up with hops, whose preservative characteristics kept the beer from spoiling while adding a very distinctive flavor. Long thought of as strictly a regional drink, IPA found its way back to Great Britain in 1827. A ship bound for India wrecked off the coast of England, forcing the brewing company to sell its stock locally and starting the long process that ended with that bottle of Sierra Nevada (or one of the dozens of other popular microbrew IPAs) in your hand.

  Porter. A dark brew with a robust chocolate or coffee flavor but little of the bitterness of stout, porter was once one of the world’s most popular types of beer, but fell out of favor after pale ales and pilsners started taking over. During Prohibition in the U.S., it essentially disappeared, but made a healthy comeback during the microbrew explosion.

  Stout. The exact origins of this style are difficult to pin down, but many believe it developed as an offshoot of porter; stronger brews were referred to as “stout porters.” Thick and creamy, with a foamy head, this is the type of beer you’re drinking when you enjoy a Guinness. And unless you’re drinking from one of those Guinness cans or bottles with the gas cartridges inside, you’ll probably have a more satisfying experience if you have this stuff on draught, because the nitrogen/carbon dioxide combo (“beer gas”) that taps use produces the thick head and silky-smooth finish that makes a stout a stout.

  Brown Ale. As with pale ales, this is a fairly broad term that encompasses beers across the ABV spectrum; you can find a brown ale that’s gentle and sweet just as easily as you can find one that’s hoppy and highly carbonated. Overall, however, they all tend to boast a fairly malty flavor, with hops relegated to the margins—a characteristic that makes them easy to pair with a wide variety of foods. The next time the boss comes over for dinner and you’re looking for something to serve with the meal, a brown ale (such as Newcastle) is a safe choice.

  Barleywine. As you might suspect given its name, this variety tends to be aged longer than your average beer…and it’s a heck of a lot more robust, too. Produced using recipes that call for long boils and tons of grain, barleywines are some of the more flavorful (and alcoholic) beers you can buy. However, as with other styles, the overall taste can vary substantially between American and European brews; in the UK, barleywines tend to have a maltier flavor, while in the U.S., they can be quite a bit hoppier. Either way, this is beer for those in search of a strong—and potentially very bitter—beer.

  THE BEER TASTER’S GLOSSARY OF TERMS

  Quaff. A deep sip from a glass of beer.

  Lace. The bits of foam left on the sides of a glass immediately after a quaff.

  Session beer. A beer that’s low in alcohol, generally around 4 percent. If you can have more than one in a sitting, or “session,” and not get too tipsy, then you’ve been drinking a session beer.

  Musty. A polite way to say that a beer tastes terrible because it has oxidized.

  Head retention. A beer snob’s way of measuring how fast an inch of foam collapses on top of a glass of beer.

  Hang. If you’re sitting around during a tasting session and you hear a drinker refer to “hang,” that’s the sign of a persistently bitter beer with a harsh, lingering aftertaste.

  Mouthfeel. A way to describe a beer’s physical consistency on the tongue. As with most things of this nature, it’s subjective and a reflection of individual palate.

  Astringency. A mouth-puckering flavor that’s a beer snob’s fancy way of saying, “Gross, yuck, spit it out.” It is likely stale, or “skunked.”

  Chill haze. The cloudy appearance that results when the proteins and tannins in beer glom onto each other during the cooling process. The way unfiltered wheat beer like Hoegaarden looks? That’s chill haze.

  Chlorophenolic. If you happen to be drinking with a big-time beer snob and you find that your brew smells like plastic, you can score points by describing it as “chlorophenolic.” (Then send it back.)

  WHAT MAKES A BEER A BEER?

  It’s one of those things we never really have to think about, given that beer comes to us ready to drink in bottles, mugs, and cans. But what is it, exactly, that sets beer apart from wine, for example, or whiskey?

  Simply defined, it comes down to three things: malted grain, yeast, and water. It’s a lot more complicated than that, of course—turning those three things (and whatever else gets thrown into the mix for flavor) is the science of brewing. But whatever your favorite variety, it starts with those three ingredients.

  Of course, beer hardly has a monopoly on those ingredients; one or all of them pop up in any number of recipes throughout the liquor kingdom. Wine, for instance, calls for yeast and water, but uses fruit instead of grain. And while traditionally made with potatoes, today’s vodka is usually made using grain, but it’s distilled instead of fermented.

  On the other hand, once you’ve learned the ground rules, it can be fun to engage in a little lively debate when things get a bit more confusing. For instance, there’s sake, the Japanese rice wine; since rice is a grain, many have wondered whether sake is technically a beer, even though it isn’t carbonated and has a very different flavor. Or how about the ongoing argument between the traditionalists who insist “real” vodka must be made with grain, and the emerging wave of distillers who point out you can achieve similar results with anything from grapes to maple syrup?

  A CHILD’S GARDEN OF MALT TRIVIA

  • Developed using a process that’s ultimately rather simple but still so convoluted that the first person to do it might as well have been some sort of warlock, malt is the result of taking grain (usually barley), soaking it until the seeds start to germinate, and then drying it. Why in the world would anyone do that to perfectly good baby plants, you ask? Simple: When you dry out the germinated grain (referred to as green malt), you’re locking in sugar-producing enzymes that kick in during the brewing process, giving your yeast enough food to make alcohol.

  • Green malt is dried before brewing, but this can be accomplished at different temperatures, and, depending on the heat and duration of the roast, you end up with malts that add remarkably different colors and flavors to beer. A lightly roasted malt with an ale yeast will produce a pale or golden ale; coupled with a lager yeast, it’ll produce a pilsner. Go a little darker, and you’ll end up with an amber ale or a Märzen—darker still, and you get into brown ales, dark lagers, porters, stouts, and schwarzbiers, or black lagers.

  • Not that we’re suggesting beer is anyone’s idea of a health food, but it does make use of some vitamin-rich ingredients, and barley might be at the top of that list: molybdenum, manganese, selenium, copper, vitamin B1, chromium, phosphorus, magnesium, and niacin are all found in the wonder grain, as well as fiber to help you poop.

  • Malt isn’t just used for beer. The unique way it gets friendly with yeast during the brewing process also makes it a great catalyst for other favorite drinks, including that precious single-malt scotch or whiskey your father-in-law doesn’t like to share.

  ANCIENT BEER

  When we say “ancient beer,” we don’t mean that one weird b
eer at the back of your fridge that someone brought over for a party but never got drank. Really, beer has been around for thousands of years, and while the exact circumstances of its birth have been lost in the sands of time, archaeologists and anthropologists have turned up some fascinating evidence in their quest to trace the origins and development of man’s greatest invention.

  Humans have been drinking fermented beverages for a very long time. And although this shouldn’t surprise anyone, they didn’t always taste much like the beer we know today. One, it was served at room temperature; two, it didn’t include hops; and three, it was a heck of a lot thicker than your average ale. What the first brewers did use is up for debate, but the current evidence suggests that as far back as 9,000 years ago, the ancient Chinese mixed fermented rice with honey, hawthorn, and other natural sweeteners. In Mesopotamia, beer started as bread loaves that were chopped up and soaked in water, stomped, strained, and flavored with an assortment of additives that included dates, honey, ginger, and mandrake root.

  The Mesopotamians took their beer pretty seriously, believing their brewers—usually women—were protected by an array of deities that included Ninkasi, the goddess of alcohol. The first liquor laws showed up on the books in 2,100 BC, when the Babylonian king Hammurabi devoted a portion of his code to tavern regulations.

  Of course, early brewing methods being what they were, the results could be highly variable. What passed for beer back then bears little resemblance to today’s brews, not least because it was thick, not carbonated, and—in the case of the ancient Sumerians—sipped through a straw. Plenty of drinkers felt the same way back then, too; in and around Rome, where grapes were abundant, beer never even remotely approached wine in popularity.