All My Friends Are Dead Read online

  All my friends are dead.

  Avery Monsen and Jory John

  All my friends are dead.

  All my friends are dead.

  Most of my friends are dead.

  What? Oh.

  Now all my friends are dead.

  All my friends are end tables.

  I was never friends with that guy.

  Dangit.

  All my friends are hoaxes.

  I sort of resent that.

  All my friends are undead.

  All my friends are bread.

  I have 3,284 friends.

  I’ve just never met any of them face to face.

  All my friends are Phil!

  Thanks, Doug.

  The only ship we need is a friendship, huh, Phil?

  Friendship.

  All my friends are obsolete.

  My only friend has recently gone missing.

  Hey there, little fella! Will you be my friend?

  I’d rather not. Carlos told me you got mono.

  This is my worst day.

  All my friends expired on Tuesday.

  All my friends have scurvy. Yarr.

  All my friends are terrifying.

  I’ve already made two children cry today!

  All my friends are sooooooooooo last season.

  All my friends are dummies.

  All my friends are puddles.

  All my friends are Kentucky fried.

  All your friends are delicious.

  Please stop buying my friends if you are just going to slowly kill them.

  All my friends are followers.

  Where are we going?

  (None of my friends will speak to me.)

  All my friends will be dead within 24 hours.

  This job makes me feel so alive.

  Howdy.

  Sometimes I feel alone. Some days are long and hard. But when I look out into the world, I am struck by the impossible beauty of it all. Those billions of magnificent accidents that led us to where we are today, that led us to paper planes and nautilus shells and the tiny, crooked smiles of children. When I think about all the small perfections of the world, I have faith that my time will come. I have faith that someday, a warm light will flood over me and I will find peace.

  I’m still not your friend.

  Acknowledgments

  Many thanks to everybody at Chronicle Books, especially Steve Mockus, Emilie Sandoz, Erin Thacker, and Suzanne LaGasa.

  And our friends and families: Mac Barnett, SV Bliss, Zak Fishman, Emily Heller, Deborah John, James Keary, Clare McNulty, Bill Monsen, Risa Monsen, Gail Rubin, Monica Schaefer, Patrick Shaffner, Ben Sinclair, Jennifer Traig, and Lawrence Wilson.

  About the Authors

  Avery Monsen is an actor, artist, and writer.

  Jory john is a writer, editor, and journalist.

  They are the co-authors of Pirate’s Log: A Handbook for Aspiring Swashbucklers.

  They are friends. And neither is dead. Yet.

  For more sad and funny things, visit

  http://www.nomorefriends.net.

  Text copyright © 2010 by Avery Monsen and Jory John.

  Illustrations copyright © 2010 by Avery Monsen.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

  ISBN: 978-0-8118-7455-7

  Designed by Avery Monsen

  Chronicle Books LLC

  680 Second Street

  San Francisco, CA 94107

  http://www.chroniclebooks.com

  Dangit.

 

 

  Avery Monsen, All My Friends Are Dead

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