Confessions of a Serial Alibi Read online

  Another detail that I recall about my California babysitter is that she had a weird obsession with southern food, particularly black-eyed peas. I remember that she would serve them to me all the time, what seemed like every day. As you can imagine, I grew to hate the taste and smell of them, and after a while I began refusing to eat them. This of course only caused more of a problem, as my babysitter was not fond of me not eating her robust recipes. Consequently, to this day I still refuse to eat black-eyed peas or even be in the vicinity of either black-eyed peas or hospice facilities. I hate retirement homes and avoid them like the plague. So far I have been lucky enough to only visit a couple of elderly family members in hospice, so my exposure time has been limited.

  So where does that leave me in terms of my memory of seeing Adnan where I did, when I did on January 13th, 1999? Absolutely clear. Ask anyone I know, when it comes to my memories, I am very clear on things that I can recall, things that I barely recall and things that I do not recall at all. When I say I remember something, I remember it and it indeed happened. Ironically during these types of discussions I am most often the only one who remembers a particular event and its details the best. I often am the one to jog my friends’ memories about times long forgotten. That’s why my friends often say I have the best memory in our group. In the same light, when I don’t recall a particular event or its details, I am usually very clear about expressing that as well. If I’m unsure, I’ll often use words such as “like,” kind of,” “sort of,” and “maybe”—words that don’t express certainty. Sometimes I can reconstruct unclear memories by talking myself through them in my mind. When I do this, I say I am “memory fishing,” as I call it. I don’t speak in absolutes and I will often communicate when I’m not certain about details. A prime example of this would be when I spoke to Sarah Koenig fourteen years after Adnan’s conviction. During that interview, I attempted to recall the full extent of the type of the winter weather that transpired on January 13th, 1999. Needless to say, I tried on the fly and failed.

  CHAPTER ONE

  JANUARY 13TH, 1999

  January 13th, 1999 started out purely normal. The plan for that day was for Derrick to come pick me up during his lunch hour, drop me off at his house and go back to school at Milford Mill High School. He obviously didn’t stick to that plan, so I was left waiting in the library until after school let out at Woodlawn. As you can imagine this is also why I ended up getting so pissed at Derrick by the time he showed up. My early release school pass was for 10:40 AM. I left the school building shortly after that time. Derrick didn’t arrive to pick me up until after 2:15 PM. All the school buses were already lined up in the school roundabout, waiting to take the majority of students off the school property. By the time Adnan showed up in the library, I was at the verge of being stranded (unless I got a ride from a friend back at the school, or caught public transportation, which I hated!). Understandably, I had been watching the library’s main entrance like a hawk, hoping to see Derrick walk in. When that didn’t happen, I was pretty happy to see Adnan’s familiar face as a consolation prize. When I saw him in the library that day, he didn’t seem to be flustered, nervous, preoccupied or suspicious in any way. In fact, he kind of just strolled in from what I remember. I actually saw him first and remember feeling relieved because the whole time I had been at the library, I hadn’t seen anyone that I knew. Naturally I waved or smiled, probably both. He walked over to me, near the center of the library where the computers were located at that time. I remember that I was seated and had a book on the table in front of me but that I had only been looking at its pictures. It was an art history book, but I couldn’t tell you the name of that book to save my life. Unfortunately I didn’t check any materials out of the library that day (I’ve since checked), so that piece of information is also forever lost to me.

  I didn’t really know Adnan well, but he was very good friends with many of my best friends, including my ex-boyfriend Justin Adger. Years later I think a few individuals tried as hard as they could to make Adnan and I seem worlds apart but we really weren’t. I’m sure Adnan knew all kinds of stuff about me, as far as Justin goes (i.e. our lack of a sex life, that I had a new boyfriend, etc.). Being that all my friends were “magnet kids” I had also heard a rumor that Hae and Adnan had recently broken up. I figured since Adnan had probably been privy to mine and Justin’s “breakup story” I didn’t think anything of asking him about the validity of his breakup rumor. In any case, there was a brief exchange of “what’s ups” between us and then I said something to the effect of, “So I heard you and Hae broke up?” When I asked him this, I remember saying it with care because I didn’t know how he’d respond. Sometimes high school guys try to act “harder” than they feel about breakups and sometimes people just don’t want to talk about such things. Plus, I didn’t know if it was a messy breakup or not so I didn’t want to pry too hard, but I did want to know. I admit, after I said it, it did feel a little nosy to be asking, but to my surprise he simply said “Yeah” with a kind of disappointment in his tone. I’m not going to lie, this intrigued me, so I said something to the effect of “Dang, sorry, man” to show empathy.

  Then that’s when he said something like, “Noooo, it’s all good. Me and her are good. I’m doing my thing and besides, she’s seeing some other dude now, some white guy.” Then he explained that he didn’t have any hard feelings about anything and that ultimately he just wanted her to be happy. On a personal note, Adnan and Hae’s post-breakup relationship was pretty similar to mine and Justin’s the previous year. To me, there was nothing weird about Hae and Adnan still being friends and doing favors for each other (like giving rides). Hell, seventeen years later, my husband and I still have dinner with Justin and his wife (along with our children). To my recollection, just like Hae and Adnan, I spearheaded the breakup with Justin. Soon after I, too, obtained a new boyfriend; however, Justin and I remained really good friends. I guess that’s why it’s not weird to me that people have said that Adnan was a little boastful about having new “chicks” in his life and I’ve never deemed it strange that he was also simultaneously allowing himself to “be there” for Hae. Teenage relationships are so fickle. I don’t believe that we knew back then just how trivial and immature our relationships were. I certainly did not think any of us were willing to kill over them. I didn’t realize how inconsistent our relationship ideals were until I came across entries from my own journal from back then. In no particular order, some of them read:

  “It’s weird being in a relationship and all. Sometimes I love Justin to death, like the air I breathe. Then other times it’s like I can’t shake him...”

  “He’s [Justin] independent, yet loyal, loving and sensitive too. Excitable yet self-controlled and sweeter than the sweetest honey...He doesn’t bitch when I don’t call. We don’t argue and he doesn’t worry about sex, but instead love. He’s real, just like me. I think I’m falling in ‘real’ love.”

  “Justin and I are very close, but who knows where we’ll be in the future.”

  “I’m not married to Justin so why do I feel the obligation to be monogamous?”

  “By the way, as of 3 weeks ago, me and Justin have been having an open relationship. I’m thinking of going back to him after the prom.”

  “As for Justin we ended up drifting apart...maybe I just mistook what ended up being friendship for love.”

  There is no denying that after reading those entries, I can certainly see how Hae and Adnan’s relationship could have been littered with the same type of inconsistencies. After all, when they were dating they did have a sexual relationship and a history of being an “on again, off again couple.” I know for a fact that whenever possible, guys like to try and keep that “sex” door propped open. Just in the event that they can “hit it” again in the future. I have seen grown-ass men do the same thing at the end of a relationship. Adnan’s attempt doesn’t strike me as odd, at all. When Adnan said, “I’m doing my thing,” I knew what he meant and I remember hearing that Justin had made the same kind of comments in reference to our breakup. Consequently, I also knew that if I ever needed help from Justin that he, too, was always there for me. So in that regard I took Adnan’s comment as a brush-off. When you think about it, all that comment says is, “Whatever, I’m not bothered, I’m getting with other girls anyway,” which is pretty typical of a teenage boy who got dumped and is trying to save face. It’s also pretty typical and smart of him to tell a cute girl in the library (me) that he just wanted Hae to be happy. That kind of “sweet statement” gets around the teenage girl community quite fast and makes him look good. Think about it. They say Adnan had already been hooking up with multiple girls by then. Maybe the reason Derrick thought Adnan was trying to holla at me was because he was? Maybe I just didn’t catch on. I like to think Adnan respected Justin enough to not try to “get with me,” but that doesn’t mean that he didn’t find me attractive and wasn’t flirting a little. I think in the podcast Rabia and a close friend of his even said that Adnan was a flirt after his breakup with Hae. In any case, does that sort of talk and behavior seem consistent with someone who cares enough to kill his ex-girlfriend due to jealousy? No, not in my opinion. I suppose anything is possible though.

  It was at that moment that I saw Derrick and Jerrod walk in the library behind where Adnan was seated. Adnan turned his head to see who I was looking at and it was at that time that I said, “My ride’s here,” and got up from the table. I walked over to Derrick and that’s when Derrick said, “Who’s that?” He instantly puffed out his chest and glared at Adnan as if to silently say, “She’s mine.” Little did I know that Derrick was cheating on me at the time. I was still so blindly in love and in the dark (but that’s another
crazy prom story, for another time) that his jealousy made absolutely no sense. I said something like “Nobody” and we left.

  It wasn’t until we got in the car that Derrick asked me something to the effect of, “Who was that? Was he trying to holla at you?” I chuckled and said, “No! Don’t worry about who that was! Nigga, you late as hell!” He then gave me some “side eye” and I just remember Jerrod giggling like a school girl and the fact that I wanted to slap them both. I remember feeling like it was probably Jerrod’s fault that Derrick had gotten sidetracked and was late. I remember being pissed that I had waited all that time to now be arguing in the car with Derrick. Not to mention being highly irritated that Jerrod was in the passenger seat of the car and I was seated in the back. Jerrod had refused to give up the passenger seat and Derrick didn’t say a word. In any event, I’m not one to hold a grudge so the fight didn’t last long. I went to Derrick’s house and we continued with our plans.

  So that’s why I was even at the library to begin with. An inconsiderate high school boyfriend! To this day, I still jokingly give Derrick crap (yes, we’re still friends too) about being late. I joke and tell him that my involvement in this case is all his fault. Whenever I think about that encounter, I can’t help but wonder how I would have gotten home that day if Derrick hadn’t showed. What if Adnan had offered me a ride? Would Hae still be alive? Did Adnan really kill her? Could the same thing have happened to me? What if there was another killer prowling our campus? Could I have been in danger that day? What if Derrick had been on time? Where would Adnan be then? I have been told that I shouldn’t ponder such questions because they are depressing and pointless, but I often can’t help myself.

  So far the most unusual question that has been asked concerning January 13th is among the ones that haunts me the most. It came across in an online chat that I was in with one of my best friends. We were discussing different aspects of the case and different impressions of Adnan that my friend had from high school. I was giving him my insight into that day in the library. My friend asked about Adnan’s demeanor and body language and he asked about conversation details. Just when I thought we had discussed everything that I could remember, my friend asked, “So, do you remember what Adnan was wearing that day? Did he have on a coat or red gloves?” Now, try and try as I may, I can’t for the life of me remember what Adnan was wearing. It’s like I remember him walking in, seeing his face, catching eye contact and signaling him over to sit down and yet when I try to recall his clothing all I get is a blur. It’s like one of those Instagram filters that blurs out the outside edges of your photo. Ever since I experienced that sensation I can’t help but feel uneasy about it. It’s a very powerless feeling to only be able to see part of a memory in your mind’s eye. What’s even more unsettling to me is wondering if his attire could provide some insight into his activities that day. What if Adnan was wearing the infamous red leather gloves that he allegedly wore while strangling Hae? What if he was carrying his track bag because he was soon to arrive at track practice? What if Adnan was carrying his cell phone? In any case, my friend thought it was interesting that I couldn’t recall that aspect of my memory, and so did I. We eventually abandoned the entire thought as I joked, “Hell, who can even remember what they themselves wore sixteen days ago, let alone what somebody else had on sixteen years ago?” Nevertheless, the absence of that knowledge still does bother me, quite considerably.

  One of the more comical speculations that some online commenters have had about me is that I might have harbored a love interest (AKA crush) toward Adnan, and that this crush may have influenced me to lie about being his alibi. At first I just laughed and laughed at the idea—as if I’m some weird Charles Manson-type girlfriend pining for Adnan over the course of sixteen plus years. As if I’m only married with children to pass the time until I can be with Adnan again. I initially thought the idea was a joke, but then I began to realize that some of these people on the Internet were actually serious. Given the seriousness of these accusations, I’d like to take this opportunity to say that I never had a crush on Adnan. When my library conversation took place I was smack in the middle of a three-year relationship with the—then—love of my life. At that point, I had no knowledge of Derrick’s infidelity nor did other guys stack up in comparison to Derrick.

  After my relationship with Derrick ended, I went on a date with a former classmate who told me that he originally thought I was gay because I had really short hair in high school. My date also said that he thought that because from what he could recall, he could not remember ever seeing me be affectionate with a guy outside of prom night (with Derrick). I had to inform him that the reason for that was that my high school ex-boyfriend was a student of our rival (Milford Mill). I explained that I had been a loyal girlfriend and that’s why he never saw me “hugged up” with anyone at our school. Needless to say, I never went out on a date with that guy again! When I see Adnan in my “mind’s eye,” I don’t see him as someone that I’ve been ever attracted to in the slightest. Not to be mean about it, but let’s face facts, from one “schnoz” to another, I have never made a habit of dating my own kind. By that I mean I’m talking about guys with large noses.

  In addition, Adnan was pretty sleek back in high school—to what degree I couldn’t tell you because I never really scoped him out like that. I do however know that he was far from “beefcake” material. Now Derrick on the other hand. Wow… I’m a happily married woman with children and I can still appreciate some of the memories that I have about Derrick’s physique. Do you remember D’Angelo’s music video for “Untitled: How Does It Feel?” Well, let’s just say that D’Angelo and Derrick shared similar body types back then. To put things into perspective, Derrick and I are both former lifeguards and both of us were both very physically fit in high school. Derrick in particular spent a lot of time swinging from Tarzan ropes at Milford Mill Swim Club quarry and as a result he had a tremendous amount of upper body strength and muscles. I’d even go so far as to describe him as a “hunk” back then. So in comparison, to me Adnan was scrawny and ultimately not my cup of tea. I did have minor attractions to other guys outside of Derrick during my senior year, but I never acted on any of them because I considered myself to be a loyal girlfriend. Adnan, however, was absolutely not one of the guys that I even bothered to look at. On January 13th, I was nice to Adnan because he was nice to me. Plain and simple. I think the reason people have floated the idea of me having a crush on Adnan is because I, along with other people, have often commented about his stellar demeanor, kindness and friendliness. Throughout this whole story that is one of the few consistencies. As Adnan stated himself in the SERIAL podcast, his initial saving grace in terms of public opinion is his personality. By this I mean in the sense that his personality doesn’t allude to him being off or some sort of psychopathic murderer. Having had a conversation with Adnan, I can say, if he killed Hae, he would have to be a true psychopath with some real split personality issues. From what I’ve learned most psychopaths have problems socializing and empathizing with others, to a degree in which it’s often quite noticeable. Don’t get me wrong, there is still a possibility that Adnan is deeply disturbed. However, over and over again I have encountered many people who knew Adnan and they have all unequivocally said the same thing: “I just don’t see him doing something like that.”

  CHAPTER TWO

  ‘99 TO ‘00

  It’s ironic that schoolteachers and parents today focus so much on teaching youth about Internet privacy and how easily videos, pictures and words can go viral. I say this because back then, there wasn’t widespread Internet activity and connectivity like today, and yet my little old high school “jail letters” have definitely been made a thing of viral Internet proportions. If only I had known that millions of people would be reading those letters and combing them for evidence of my intentions and character; I probably would have never written them to begin with. Hindsight is indeed twenty-twenty! Such is life, I suppose. You live and you learn. It wasn’t until the adults got involved and began meddling with people’s words and actions that things got overly complicated. I guess that’s the nature of our criminal justice system. Sad thing is, things got so twisted around and neglected that I don’t know if we will ever completely know what happened to Hae.