Poetry Collection One: Shadow Self Persona Read online

  tomorrow is now

  was your ex really worth your time

  have you spent enough time with your family

  and do you really really love any one

  tomorrow is now

  have you found out that money is shit

  that time never stops

  and that love really hurts sometimes

  tomorrow is now

  now have you learned any thing

  that time can be wasted

  and you'll never get it back

  I Hear Music

  August.24.2004

  i hear, a cry

  it is in the music

  tears fill up, my eyes

  there is no space, here

  sound surrounds the room

  fills every little, space

  my heart beats, so loud

  i hold onto my breath

  there is no were, to run away

  i hear, a cry

  it is from my own, mouth

  sound fills, the room up

  tears stream, down my face

  my fingers, grasp at air

  music keeps playing, somewhere

  i can only hope that i am here

  just somewhere, in a dream

  How To Not Be Blind By You

  Oct.12.2012

  How do I not think about some thing,

  not think about some one

  and not be all consumed by love.

  How do I pull myself away and look at you,

  see the real true you

  and not feel whole anymore without you around.

  How do I close my eyes and not see you,

  in my dreams and every waking hour

  filled with the possibilities of our life together.

  How do I put my pathetic life back together now,

  after finding myself alive with you

  existing in happiness together with you.

  How do I pull myself back into the waking world,

  when every image, thought, dream and prayer

  is ever surrounding you and us together again.

  Pit Of Hell

  December.14.2001

  When I look down below, I have dark circles beneath my eyes.

  Still soft skin with freckles, burns underneath with fire.

  The pit of hell has no wrath, more painful than growing old.

  No pit of hell, is deeper than this sorrow.

  All this sorrow, painfully swims within my stomach.

  Burning holes, into my deep dark soul.

  Flowing with the stench, of this death.

  Like needles striking through, the flesh.

  With the stirring of the fire, shadows are cast.

  Curtains ruffle, memories don't always last.

  Running and whispering, nightmares flash back.

  So much passion for life, so much they lack.

  Trying to kill, the beauty within this pit of hell.

  You Were Always

  April.29.2002

  You were always, the sweet one to me

  Always without that tinge of sourness

  You were always, the one to make me smile

  No matter how far away we were in miles

  But oh, how things can always change

  Things can turn around, the other way

  Without your kisses my lips feel dirty

  My body can yearn for someone unknown

  And I could completely, be lost without you

  All my feelings turned around the other way

  All of my heart, just thrown back at me

  Like a slap in the face, you just walk away

  When I always thought no matter what, you'd stay

  But oh, how things can always change

  Shut It

  December.04.2001

  Snap your legs…… shut.

  Shut your…. mouth.

  Keep those things…. to yourself.

  Watch the insides, fly around.

  Keep it all…….. inside.

  Watch the waters, flow.

  Try not to….. feel.

  Try not to, let them know.

  Listen to the…… screaming.

  Just don't listen…….. shut up.

  Snap your legs…… shut.

  Shut your… mouth.

  Keep those things… to yourself.

  White Painting

  February.24.2004

  a painting on an empty wall

  white light filling all the holes

  becoming some one else’s soul

  some kind of life loves embrace

  no words can bring the world inside

  or let the light escape

  there are no borders but only white

  a painting of life spilled across

  the doors close and lock in an empty wall

  What Do I Do Now

  Sept.28.2012

  what do i do with myself, with my sanity, my thoughts, my time, my heart.

  when i don't have him coming home to me, every night from work.

  when i won’t have him to talk with, about stupid things on my mind.

  when i don't have him to make laugh, to reach out and touch at my every whim.

  when i look for him, he just won’t be there.

  thinking of these horrible times to come, i'm finding it difficult to enjoy right now.

  i stupidly look for fights where there are none, just to vent my frustration.

  everything is stacked against us being together, yet every day that passes i'm falling deeper.

  Walking In

  September.17.2011

  Walking in worlds, unknown.

  My feet barely touching, the soil beneath me.

  In a group of friends, I stand alone.

  This loneliness burns, straight to my fingertips.

  Memories rush in and out, behind my closed eyes.

  I walk around this place trying, to be me, to be someone else.

  I really try to fit in, but without losing myself.

  A constant battle to exist, to only exist.

  The most difficult thing for me in this world, is living in it.

  Sometimes I Think, Of What He Said

  November.09.2003

  I think of him sometimes,

  and what he said.

  I think he promised me,

  something big.

  He promised me, that I'd never be sad.

  He said he'd always love me,

  no matter what, good or bad.

  He told me so tenderly, that he'd go really slow.

  If I allowed him to enter me, when taking my soul.

  And I really believed him,

  because he did wait for me.

  Because he always held me tight,

  and I loved him with every breath of my life.

  But he only waited, until he decided to give up and go.

  Then A Pause

  November.21.2012

  a deep breath……… and then a pause

  forgetting what it means to not touch you

  no longer engaged in childish games abroad

  i think hard on the thought, if i'm the only one alone in this all-consuming, heart stopping, mess

  unlike any other experience, i feel blind, overwhelmed, yet clarity is embracing

  i have to hold myself, tell myself everything will work out

  soon, soon…………… please soon if not today or tomorrow

  it has to, it just does

  because i wont, can't be, won't be here after, if it does not

  not this time, not again…. this time it's real, my path i can see

  but i push those thoughts away

  and remember his gaze, and those delicate heartfelt whispered words

  he really means it, not a fiber of me is in doubt

  not about his existence for me, not about my heart for him

  a deep breath………………………. and then i pause

  i can't forgive this journey wrought with thorns, that have b
een thrust upon us

  maybe if i close my eyes real tight, wish upon a star, you will appear,

  but then i pause and remember you are still so far away from me here

  Waiting For

  August.11.2010

  I'm waiting, waiting for "something". I hesitatingly proclaimed.

  What is it you're really waiting for? She asked me.

  I'm waiting to grow up, I still feel like a child, not a “grown-up” all alone in this world...

  I'm waiting to be noticed. I say, not looking her directly in the eye.

  A white horse? No, keep that to yourself.

  Waiting for the one to bring me to life. No, I keep these thoughts to myself, knowing how pathetic they sound.

  But honestly I don't care, I can't help if my feelings are only portrayed in movies or that they sound pathetic.

  I can't help how I feel, or react, or what I want to be or have.

  I am waiting, waiting for what exactly, or who, I cannot name, because I don't know, I only feel it inside.

  Seven Days Past

  March.01.2010

  Seven days past, more than a couple days

  If there was no intention or awareness of the silence, let it be known

  I was hurt deep to the bone, by the words you choose to use

  My own weaknesses, compulsions and fears, thrown back at me like a dagger

  With a smile on your face the whole time, you never turned back in hopes of my forgiveness

  All I wanted in my blood was to please you, love you, entertain and know you more

  All you've done towards me were words of affirmation, dissection and abuse

  Yes it is true I kept going back for more, I don't even want to count the years

  But now it is more than seven days past, and my memories of love forsake me

  Resting Upon

  July.15.2004

  resting upon the back,

  of my heel

  ready to fall,

  ready to just tumble over

  almost completely ready,

  for almost anything

  the edge is looming,

  the wind keeps on howling

  i can feel the cold earth,

  growling beneath my feet

  but i crave the embrace,

  of the wind blowing right through me

  tumbling in upon itself

  i can't keep everything contained anymore

  Repeat

  August.19.2011

  no words to describe,

  this life of mine.

  trapped, stuck, repeat...

  scarred up and damaged, repeat...

  clinging onto small happy memories,

  onto failed dreams, onto fantastic fantasies.

  i cannot believe this is my life,

  i feel i cannot claim it, it is not really mine,

  but someone else’s i'm watching from a distance.

  i am trapped here i cannot escape this,

  haunting memories, constantly repeating mistakes.

  being mocked for lack of intelligence,

  for lack of human emotion in stressful situations.

  yet i am exploding inside with emotion,

  it's eating me alive from the inside out.

  frozen inside with fear of repeating the same mistakes,

  yet the story keeps repeating one way or another.

  it is just so much to bear,

  sometimes, sometimes it is just too much to bear.

  Sexual Being Developing

  July.19.2003

  i stick these things, inside of me

  i rape my soul, with emptiness

  i fill myself, with nothingness

  i remember how it felt

  to be truly complete

  i'll never have that again

  as everyone walks away from me

  i push at them as they go

  knowing full well i'll always be alone

  i let those men do those things to me

  i accept that they just leave when they’re done

  even though it hurts my insides to let go

  i wish i hadn't let go, of my only prize

  then i wouldn't have to, feel so empty inside

  the pain of being taken, then just left in the dirt

  is truly searing, deep in my blood there are scars

  i really don't mean to complain

  although you might think i am

  i just wanted to try and explain

  the way i always feel inside

  *******

  Thank you so much for purchasing and reading my first book. If you enjoyed it, won’t you please take a moment to leave me a review at your favorite retailer?

  Thank you!

  Ashley Rebecca Kingston

  About the author:

  Ashley was born during a blizzard in Kingston, Ontario; and grew up in Victoria, BC with her parents and younger sibling.

  As an adult she has traveled the world and lived in Vancouver, BC, and Santiago de Cuba, Cuba.

  Ashley now makes her home again in Victoria, BC with the amazing Adrien and crazy dog Beyonce.

  Home-schooled from the beginning, Ashley still enjoys learning new things, spending her time reading, writing and researching; designing, intellectual conversations and walking down on the breakwater with Adrien and Bey.

  Discover other titles by Ashley Rebecca Kingston:

  Poetry Collection Two: Cold Dark Difficult Truths

  And many more coming soon!

  Connect with Me:

  Twitter: @ashleyoutlander