Monochrome My Madness Read online

  I dress in my unofficial uniform of a pencil skirt, button down shirt and heeled pumps. I snag my hair up into a ponytail, not wanting it to get in the way while I work today. I put on a little makeup and grab my umbrella and handbag on the way out of the door. It’s not raining for a change, so I decide to walk the three blocks to the jewellery shop where Neil’s headquarters hide in plain sight. I have no doubt he will move further downtown to his father’s old office soon. He is after all the new boss.

  The streets are quiet, too late for the morning rush but before lunch hour, I am not fighting for space on the dirty sidewalk.

  I enter the antiquated musty jewellery shop where even the shiny gold and blood diamonds seem dulled by the dirt of the family that own it. I am escorted by one of his guard dogs to the back office; I have been in here before – a few times. Once when I was called to sew Neil up after he got into a gun fight with an arms dealer from Russia. The two of them were both bleeding all over the floor and desk. I had to sew Neil up while one of his little puppies killed the big Russian right on the floor in front of us. In fact, he held his silenced gun to the man’s head in the exact spot I now stand waiting for Neil to acknowledge my presence. I side-step a little trying to avoid the memory of the dead man on the floor, his blood emptying into the carpet. I am not looking forward to working with Neil at all. Neil makes my skin crawl just looking at him; knowing I will be working with him has me feeling sick to my stomach. I don’t want to be close to him, I have avoided him whenever I can. Now I have no choice. My mind flashes back to fourteen-year-old me on the floor of my father’s surgery room my blood staining it. Stop, I don’t want the memories in front of him, if he can act like it never happened, so can I.

  The office is stale with old smoke and sweaty men; I feel dirty just standing here as if the air alone will contaminate me with their filth. The thought, of having to come here more often, is even worse. I hope he moves to his father’s offices sooner rather than later; they are at least clean, and air conditioned. I am already contaminated by Neil’s disgusting presence in my life.

  Neil is the exact opposite of his dishevelled office, clean-cut and well-dressed every day he always looks intimidating and powerful. His charming good looks and soft eyes give the illusion of a handsome gentleman not a dirty mobster with blood on his hands and ice in his veins. Connor was the same; appearances were imperative to the old man; he may have been a career criminal, but he always looked the perfect gentleman. The illusion of safety and routine disguised his true nature. Neil’s personality is what needs the most help; he is a sullen, sulky man who is never quite satisfied with anything in life. He has a short temper and lashes out at the drop of a hat. I have had the pleasure of dealing with him on countless occasions, and he almost always acted like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum when something was not to his liking. How he is going to run this family, never mind the entire business is a mystery. Technically he is not the eldest son. Callum, who is the eldest, was from Connor’s first wife and was all but disowned because of it. He was half Spillane, a name that sends a chill down my spine. I have a sick feeling that things are not going to run as smoothly as they have in the past. I will be patching up, and sewing closed a lot more of these men in the near future, I can just tell. A sixth sense that death looms even closer to us than before runs through me. The whispers on the street are that there is someone out to get the O’Reilly’s. They already killed the old man and others will follow. A new vendetta is being born, and it will not end as quietly as the last. No one will walk away untouched; they took out the boss without even a whisper of a threat.

  When Neil finally notices me standing in front of his desk he motions for me to sit in the dirty chair next to me. I cringe at the thought of what lurks on that stained grubby old chair, but I sit anyway, not wanting to piss him off intentionally. I carefully cross my legs and set my bag down next to me on the revolting floor while I wait for Neil to speak to me. I am after all in his words “An annoying woman who could easily be replaced with a better man to do the job.” Asshole. He always acts like that night never happened as if he wasn’t there when they shattered me into pieces. He fucking held me down.

  “Shannon, lovely to see you.” His condescending tone is not lost on me; I am just another plaything in his big-boy toy box. The idiotic smile on his face makes me want to vomit.

  “Likewise, Neil, to what do I owe the honour of being summoned to your office so early in the day?” I just want to get to the point and get out of here; I cannot stand this man and being here is just bringing out the worst in me. Every second in his company has me wanting to slap him in the face, or worse. I would love to kill him – slowly.

  He is going to want something from me, that shit eating grin on his face tells me so. What is it this time?

  “Well, I need to discuss something with you Shannon, I mean Doctor Shannon, sorry.” He knows it irritates when he doesn’t acknowledge the fact that I am actually a doctor, not one of his well- trained little puppy dogs. I am losing my patience now, and I have a hard time controlling myself. If he were not the boss, if his father were still here I would simply be rude. Now that he is in charge I know that’s no longer an option, I have to be nice, or he will make me disappear or worse tell the world my secrets.

  “Start discussing Neil, I have other things to do today.” I start tapping my foot waiting for him to get on with it already. Inside fears gnaws at me, making me weaker by the second.

  “Well, Doctor Shannon, I am sure you have heard of my father’s passing and that I am now in charge of the business and the family.” I nod I can see he is enjoying his newfound position of power a little too much. He sits straighter than he did before, his smug smile is bigger, and his ego is so inflated it’s filling the whole room. Neil was always a power hungry idiot but useless at wielding any power once he had it. He will fail.

  “Well, I am going to need your help with a family matter, you see, my brother Callum has returned from Africa and I need for him to stay here. Lay some roots, so he cannot just run away. You see I need him to keep this business running.”

  I don’t understand how this fits with my being their doctor, what am supposed to do? “I am not sure you know what a doctor does Neil?” I try to hide my sarcasm, but it leaks out with every word I speak to my nemesis. I can see his childish rage building in the way his body language changes and his relaxed suave movements become stiff and tense.

  “I still need your medical services pretty little Doctor Shannon make no mistake you still work for me; I own you. However, this is a bit more personal. You see my brother Callum hates it here. I know we haven’t even buried Pops yet, and he is itching to return to his beloved Cape Town. You are going to make him stay; you are going to make him love you. Do you understand what I need from you?” His face is dead-pan no hint of emotion or feeling now, now he is issuing an order.

  I am too shocked to speak right off; I don’t believe he has the nerve to ask, or tell me such a ridiculous thing. I also know that there is no way I can say no to him without seriously endangering my life and that of my mother so I try and get around this. Me? Love someone? Neil knows what happens to men who get in my panties. It doesn’t end well. He knows what torture this will be, and he likes it. He is testing by forcing me into an impossible situation. Fucker.

  “I am pretty sure that there are plenty of braindead bimbos that you could convince to seduce and love your brother Neil. Ones who don’t have a busy medical practice to run?” Reign it in Shannon he is going to blow a fuse any minute, and then you’re fucked. My mouth won’t obey the instructions.

  I see the wicked smile spread over his face, it lights up with evil. He stands up and walks around his desk to stand right in front of me. I glare up at him, trying desperately not to let him see that he intimidates me, they all do. “None of them have what you do Shannon.” He hisses at me causing my skin to crawl even more and I feel the goose bumps clawing up my arms. He lifts my chin with the tip of his fin
ger, and I am destroyed. Having the hands of my tormentor on me caused all my fight to leave. I will do whatever he says, because he owns me.

  “What is that Neil?” I want to add a brain, common sense or some other snarky comeback, but I don’t he is getting agitated with me for not just saying yes already.

  “You look identical to the only woman Callum ever loved my sweet Shannon. You are the splitting image of your sister. There is no way he will turn you away. You are like the ghost of Cassie, and I know that he won’t be able to resist. When he wants to run back to Africa, you had better keep him here! Are we clear Doctor Shannon? My brother just became your problem.” Neil’s cold words sink in a little at a time. The venom in them is making me submit to his authority and nod my silly head.

  It is the truth; I look just like my dead sister a blessing and a curse, and my father believed my looks were the reason for my mother’s descent into dementia. Now Neil wanted me to use my sister’s ghost to seduce Callum into staying here. I think he overestimates my power in this situation, I am the most undateable woman in the city.

  “If my idiot brother leaves this city, your mother dies then you do. You are to make him love you, and you better get him to put a ring on that finger of yours. Even better, shit out a child or something so he cannot leave you. Use that mouth and ass of yours the way they were intended. I need that fucker here where I can control what he is doing. Use that fucking body of yours Shannon, it’s about time you found a husband with life insurance.” Neil’s voice is hard and angry when he speaks about Callum, and I sense just how little brotherly love is shared between them.

  “What if he doesn’t want to date me, marry me or even talk to me Neil, then what?” I am afraid that this will be my last job; I don’t often date because outside of working for these idiots I refuse to take instruction from any man. Outside of work, I am the boss of me, not them.

  I am going to get killed, I have finally got to the end of my usefulness and they will off me in a blink. I have sex don’t get me wrong I have sex with men who will submit to me, when I find one who won’t I get rid of him quickly and quietly. I also have sex when Neil makes me. I cannot date or marry an O’Reilly.

  “Shannon you underestimate yourself.” He spits at me over his shoulder as he stalks back to his side of the desk. I highly doubt that king asshole. Your brother will not like after hours Shannon no matter which dead girl she looks like. I want to tell him that I cannot have children, but I am afraid that may be an automatic death sentence, so I shut up for now. I had myself sterilised; I did not want to raise the next generation that would have to serve at the mercy of whichever asshole ran the mob. To be quite honest I cannot keep a house plant alive more than a week, a baby would be dead in a day. I am not cut out to be a mommy. I knew myself well enough to make sure that no accidents could or would ever happen. I don’t even care for my sick mother myself, in fact; I may kill her before they do.

  “Do I have a choice Neil?” I ask him straight. I will either land up with a shitty mobster as a husband or dead, either way I lose. Even a dead shitty mobster husband won’t save me now.

  “No Shannon you don’t. He will be at the funeral tomorrow, so your job starts then. I have other people to see now; you can show yourself out.” He dismisses me without any further discussion. Dick.

  I think I may just have underestimated Neil’s level of craziness, I wonder what Callum has that he wants him here so badly, they clearly don’t like each other. Callum has something, and Neil wants it, maybe if I can find out what it is he wants I can get out of this mess alive. Without a husband that I can’t get rid of like the others.

  I SEEM TO ATTEND MORE FUNERALS than weddings, I don't get invited to weddings anymore I am an ‘old maid’. Today I get to attend my boss’ funeral and try to seduce the black sheep of the family. Just another day in my personal hell. No one even knows Callum he has been gone eighteen years without even a visit. I don’t have a barometer on what sort of slut keeps his bed warm. I have no doubt there are many; he is the only unmarried son; other than Harm, who is twelve. I guess there is a mass grave for the hearts he has broken. He better be fucking good looking if I am wasting my time with this; I should just say no and be done with it, this family will kill me eventually. Sooner may be better than later. He is probably butt ugly and crazy since all the other O’Reilly men are happily married; there must be something wrong with this one.

  That would be my luck to get stuck with the rejected brother; I should have dated his cousin when he asked me maybe I could have avoided this shit. Explaining his broken heart would have been too hard. Neil warned me about dating his family members and that he wouldn’t clean up my mess if it were his family. Now he wants me dating his brother, I don’t understand him, this must be a test of my loyalty to them. A test of my control over this compulsion is what it will ultimately be.

  Neil said that Callum had loved Cassie, but Cassie was Rowan’s girl. I remember that clearly enough, he was from the wrong crime family for my fathers’ tastes, and he only tolerated it because she moved out and gave him no choice. I don’t understand how Neil can say Callum loved her she was his best friend’s girlfriend for ten years. I heard her fight with Callum the night she died the screams and cries from the room next to mine. His demanding voice was booming through the thin walls yelling at her, his malicious words scaring even me. He heard the same thud and the crack that I heard as he pushed her off the window ledge where she would sit when she was sad. Only no one else knows that version of the story. He snuck away before they could know, even if they did know it would have been covered up.

  Other than my looks I could not be more different than Cassie, she was timid and quiet and reserved her emotions for those close to her only. I am loud, obnoxious and wear my resting bitch face with pride. I speak my mind and rarely keep my emotions in check unless my actual life depends on it- like with Neil. I don’t date because I have enough alpha males pissing on everything around me to not want one in my bed too. I want a man who sees me as his equal in all things. I highly doubt that Callum is going to fit that category, but I live in hope. I have hoped eighteen times before and they all ended in very messy heartbreak.

  I roll my new stockings up my legs. I love the feeling against my freshly shaved legs as I clip them to my garters. No matter what I look like on the surface, I always have my best on underneath. Like beautiful shoes, it gives me a feeling of power even though I actually have none at all and if I end up dead the coroner won’t laugh at my ugly knickers. I slip my black pencil skirt up over my stocking clad legs and zip closed; it fits me like a second skin. I pair it with a sheer black blouse that my lacy bra is clearly visible through; I may as well make an effort to get his attention. I straighten my thick red hair so that it hangs sleek over my shoulders today. I put on a light dusting of makeup, something I rarely bother with these days. I need Neil to believe I am taking this seriously. I look at myself in the bathroom mirror, the bright light above me highlights my freckles even through the makeup, I hate them. I search my eyes for a clue as to why I am taking this seriously, could Neil just replace me so easily? His threat to my mother doesn’t bother me much, I will sound like a heartless bitch, but it would be blessing if she died. She has lost her mind completely, has no clue who or where she is on any given day and costs me a fortune in assisted living. She wasn’t much of a mother even before she lost her mind; I will admit that there is very little I feel for my senile mother except the constant burden of her care. So why am I bothering with this stupid threat? That’s right I am not quite ready to die yet. I like living, I enjoy having a pulse.

  Finally, happy with my appearance, I slip on a rain coat and grab my umbrella and purse from the antique hall stand on my way out. I plan to take a few minutes to visit the graves of my father and sister before the funeral. I called ahead yesterday to arrange for a taxi to drive me today, and he is waiting in front of my door when I step out into the pouring rain and icy wind. The day is cold, and the ai
r is almost ominous around me, I shake it off and run toward the waiting car. Inside the cab, I breathe in the aromas of too many things to identify just one, but stale cologne is one that seems to be hanging around and making the air thick. The bald driver eyes me in the rear view mirror making me uncomfortable and nervous; it is going to be a very long day.

  The car stops at the entrance to the cemetery; the creepy driver asks if he should wait for me, his shifty eyes roaming over my body eye fucking me. “No, I am going to a funeral at the Church after this. I will call in if I need a ride home later. Thank you.” I pay him, not wanting to share another minute with his eyes on me. I exit the car and open my yellow umbrella to try and keep my hair dry in the constant rain spilling from the grey heavens today. I stop at the flower merchant just outside of the gate and buy some fresh flowers to put on their graves, something I haven’t done in a very long time. The blood red roses are always my first choice, their velvet petals with the rain drops trapped in between almost look unreal. I walk along the cobbled path that leads from the old gates to the rows and rows of headstones sticking out of the green grass surrounding them. Some are clean and looked after, with fresh flowers, and you can tell a person is still loved. Others are sad and neglected. The brown of dead flowers and the untidy weeds growing around the bottom of the moss covered stones, those are the ones that were actually forgotten when they left this world. My heels slosh in the puddles left in the uneven path as I wind my way towards the place where my family are laid to rest. Down a small hill and just below two old trees my great grandparents, grandparents, father and sister are buried next one another. There is still space for me, my mother and the children I will never have. There are no dead flowers on their graves; I pay the old caretaker to clean up when he has the time. I put a bunch of flowers on my fathers’ grave and curse him out loud for my shitty inheritance, I yell at his headstone like it can hear me and fix my life. I know it can’t, but the yelling is my one outlet for the anger that I have over my job, my father and my compulsions. As I do every other time and when I am done wishing all the darkness of hell on my dad I talk to Cassie, today I tell her about Callum, who supposedly loved her so. I know a different version of their love story than Neil. I spill my heart and soul to my sister who isn’t here to listen or help me. The truth is I am all alone in this world. I have no one; my mother is a mental patient who hasn’t recognised me once in the last five years, and all my other relatives are dead. Coming here cements the truth of just how alone I am. No one would even look for me if Neil did have me killed; that’s the truth. My heels are sinking into the rain-soaked grass beneath my feet as I wipe my tears, I only cry when I come here, I allow myself to feel all the sadness and anger only here. When I leave, I need to hang onto the hardness and coldness so that I can survive the men I work with every day. Just for these few minutes here I can be weak. Here I can lose control and remember why I am this way.