Dreams on Fire Read online

  Night at the Philharmonic

  Going to the Philharmonic. The best symphony in the city! Grandma gave me permission. It was a school trip. Called Miss Mary so Aaliyah walks LaKecia home. Stayed late after school, ate dinner with residential girls. Ashley showed me the dorms. It felt a little sad. Fifteen girls without parents or grands. Mrs. Miller supervises them. Sort of lonely, I think.

  Today After School

  we walk to the art museum. Ashley, Isabelle, Kelsey, and me. We rollin’ Bidwell squad four girls deep. What I always wanted to do. We talk all the way. We laugh all the way. Music, art, books, stories. Another great day. The bougie life for me!

  I Tell LaKecia

  Sometimes Grandma gets on my nerves! Always acting like a saint. Wanting us to be something better than what she ain’t. Why can’t we have internet like normal people! Why you acting thick in the head? LeKecia asks. What’s wrong with you, LaKecia? You heard what I said.

  LaKecia Tells Me

  Few weeks at this school, you acting all stupid. Like you sooo much better. Late picking me up. Stomping Grandma’s feelings. “A” just a letter! I do good in school too! I say, She never reads what I write! No matter the grade. Always say, not tonight. Asking to be read to. You always making her feel bad! I’m not, I’m just mad.

  Don’t You Know?

  Grandma can’t read. Daddy told me so, LeKecia says. That’s not true! I say. How come Daddy told you? Maybe he thought you knew. But learning takes time. A lot of work. She doesn’t always understand. Remember you told me, longer you do it, the better you get? Yeah? What does Grandma do? Hair, cooking, and cleaning houses. She didn’t like school. But you do. Stop being mean. She loves me and you.

  iPhone Friend

  I like Ashley—she’s cool. She wants to hang out every day. She asks about new “black words.” She says, I love rap. We don’t listen to rap at home. Ashley’s confused, looking funny faced. I say, Grandma say rap is vulgar and devilish. Ashley, holding her iPhone, says to follow her.

  Poor Girl Dreams

  Follow her where? Snap-Story! I say, I don’t have Snaps. She looks more confused. I’m trying to think of a lie. Don’t you have a phone? I shrink, feeling high-key poor-girl. I say, My phone broke. My Grandma won’t give me another until I get a job! I feel my pain in my lie.

  Old Phone Dreams

  Ashley says, That sucks. How do you talk to friends? Or do anything? I tell the truth: I don’t really have any friends. I take out my phone. And I got this! Now Ashley’s like high-key disgusted. Yuck, it’s sooooo old. What does she expect you to do with that? I answer her question the best I know how: Always stay embarrassed?

  New Friend

  Ashley asks me about boyfriends. I’ve only kissed Miles Johnson after church youth service. Ashley asks, You’re a virgin? She’s not. Says, That’s cute. You’re like a good girl? I answer, Yeah, I go to church. Ashley says, Wow, okay. I think I have a new friend.

  T(hat) H(o) O(ver) T(here) Goals

  Ashley wanna be a video-girl for Halloween. Dancing in stripper shoes, wearing a midriff mini. Says she’ll get lots of likes, especially if she posts right. Girls round my way wanna be video-girls every day! Reality TV, music videos— their THOT manual. See girls tryna dance, see girls shake and twerk, see girls tryna be thottest. Tryna be seen. Tryna get attention. Tryna be hottest. Tryna get money

  Family Goals

  Grandma says, Somebody spending cash might wanna own you. Better take care yourself. Educate and own yourself! Your grandpa was a big-spender, talented dreamer. I dropped out, got pregnant. Sixteen having your daddy. My mama, fifteen, having me. Your daddy, seventeen, having you. Grandma says I gotta break a curse.

  Ashley Has Credit Cards

  More than one. I get whatever I save from Saturday’s hair and Aaliyah’s fake tutoring. Ashley buys whatever she wants at Pizza Palace every afternoon. Sometimes a whole pizza pie! Gossiping on haters. Bragging about Europe. Remembering Spain, getting with some boy. Ashley helps me with homework, doing math problems in her head.

  Pizza Palace Has Wi-Fi

  for my homework. I have to get LaKecia before 6:00. Or else she’ll get me in trouble with after-school care. LaKecia’ll call Grandma, Grandma’ll call me on the dumb candy-bar phone, yelling. Ashley says she wishes she had a real family, a real home. Someplace to laugh and cry together.

  Grandma’s Lessons

  Ashley’s different than my friends from middle school. Way different from Aaliyah! Grandma says, Folks grow like their parents. Apples don’t fall far from the tree. Grandma says that’s why I write, why LaKecia sings beautifully. On account of Mama and Daddy’s talents. I tell Grandma about Ashley’s credit cards, Pizza Palace, and her daddy. Then Grandma starts on her apple stories again!

  Apples and Potatoes

  Grandma says, Every apple’s different though. That’s uniqueness in the Universe. So many different apples. But they all apples. Be careful, ’cause when you peel and cut it, apples look like potatoes. Some folks acting friendly ain’t friends. You should spend more time with your other friends, like Aaliyah. She be needing a friend, like you.

  Ashley Says

  I knew I was loved, ya know? More than caring about money or things. Those other girls don’t understand like you… My mom’s death woke me up! Says, Stupid girls only think about shopping, clothes, boys. You don’t care about those things? I ask. She says, Yeah, but it’s easy for me to, right? My mom told me how things work. Separation through segregation, keeping black people apart. Her parents and other white families got much bigger head-starts.

  Time Dreams

  Ashley says, Dad gives money instead of time. Time is money. “Where’s the return on this investment, Ashley?” His question when I request visits. I wish he’d died instead of my mom… I say I understand (but I really don’t). I wish… What? But instead of answering I smile, eat pizza, my eyes rolling crazy.

  Grandma’s Phone Is Smart

  Not as smart as Ashley’s though. I’ll buy one soon, doing hair with Grandma and fake tutoring Aaliyah. Our landline is for Daddy. When he’s in prison, we can’t call Daddy when we want. Have to wait until he has telephone privileges. Then he calls Grandma collect, or with the phone-card Grandma puts money on.

  Letters Are Better

  When I hear Daddy’s voice, my throat tightens. All my tears fall out. LaKecia doesn’t cry until after good-byes. I love reading letters over again. Smelling them. Holding them. Telephone calls just fade away.

  LaKecia Wants to Know

  How come Aaliyah paying you for doing your own homework? Mind ya business! When you get in trouble it izz my bizzinessss! Next Wednesday, Aaliyah’s gone before I get to the Center. Next Monday, no Aaliyah. Ask around, but nobody’s seen her. Miss Mary calls the house. Aaliyah run away.

  Party Night

  Friday is Big Academy Night! We’ll spend the night in school. A party. PARTY-PARTY-PARTY Games, movies, karaoke! Never did karaoke. Grandma says I can go as long as chores Saturday, church Sunday. Been at Bidwell for two months. Everybody likes me!

  #PIZZAPALACENIGHTMARE

  Out of nowhere, a ghost appears. My mama. Pale-skinned. Pencil thinned. Brown sweater, gray mini-skirt. Hair slicked back like it hurt. Face revealing sunken cheeks. Dark-circled eyes. Reddened knees. Her skin dry, she knocks and shouts. My mama Lisa calls me out. I turn my head, look away. I’m feeling shook. Should I stay? Wanna run, wanna hide. Feeling trapped, I stay inside. All a sudden, who do I see? Miss Thomasina, Mama’s “get high” buddy. She leaves the window. They jump in a car, zoom down the parkway. That is all. Ashley asks, Who was that?

  Pipe Dream Lies

  I say, Nobody. A junkie from round my way. Ashley says, She knows you? Neighbors know me. I thought your neighborhood was, like, black. Neighborhood’s not a color. Besides, everyone who’s black don’t look black. Oh yeah. Like Cardi B? Yeah, I say, like Cardi B. I’m angry. Not at Ashley. Just angry. Angry for all the time Mama street-ghosting, copping, and h
ustling.

  Rewards of Lying

  Before we go to Bidwell Academy Night, Ashley says, I have a surprise for you! Climb stairs to the school rooftop. Wine bottle waiting. Small paper-wrapped package, Nikki written on top. Who’s Nikki? It’s you, silly! Your nickname. Open it!

  An iPhone!

  I’m shook. Who gives away iPhones? Grandma won’t let me keep this. Can’t afford service. Thanks, though. Ashley says, It’s not new, seven years old. Just don’t tell her. Case has your nickname! Flip side reads Nikki in rhinestones. Thank you, I say, not feeling nicknames but happy just the same.

  Red Wine Dreams

  Ashley says, You can still Snap or Insta over wi-fi! I’m like, so excited! I still can’t believe you gave me an iPhone. It’s not a big deal. They’re like, fifty dollars on eBay. She says it like $50 is 50 cents. New-to-me iPhone! I wrap arms around Ashley, fall over. Laughing, she shows me how to use this great gift. We drink rooftop red wine. Ashley names stars.

  The Wine Is Nasty

  Don’t like it. Say I like it though. Drink because Ashely says, OMG! It’s delicious! I’m singing, laughing. Ashley’s laughing. Instagramming drunk selfies. Drunk storytelling. Laughing with her phone. We miss karaoke, spend hours on rooftop, drunk social media making.

  Would She?

  Ashley shares secrets about Kelsey, Justine, & Isabella. Former BFFs. Frenemies now. Would she share my secrets to someone else? Will she hate me too? If she learns the truth? Am I making it bad for the next girl who looks like me? Do I have responsibility just because I’m the only black girl she’s friends with?

  Ashley Never

  calls me by my real name. The name my father says is special… She says, Come on, Nikki’s easy! Then, You are my only true friend, the only one I can be myself with. Are we really friends? Really, truthfully? Can’t tell her my truth.

  Message from God

  Taking part in charades is lying, actively! Playing charades stops honesty. Stops true friendship. Admit lying. Pastor’s Sunday message. God must have told him I’m lying. But I understand how Ashley feels, sort of. Sometimes I wish Mama was dead. Will God forgive me? Nobody’s business what my truth is when I leave these streets.

  LaKecia Finds My iPhone

  Who’s Nikki, and why you got her phone? Stop taking my stuff! LaKecia bed bouncing, one hand toward the ceiling. The other pushes me! I’ma scream, tell! I’m Nikki! It’s my phone! I grab her legs. You ain’t! Whose iPhone this is? A nickname, a gift. Give it back! From your rich bff? Give it back! Daddy said, don’t let nobody call you out your name. Well, he ain’t here, is he?

  Change of Plans

  Grandma, you said I could trick or treat with Ashley! My plans changed. I got Sisters Fellowship. But I made plans! You’re Oni. You’re Grandma. Excuse me? I’m tired of doing your job! I hate you!

  Punishment

  First time Grandma slapped me, phone got disconnected talking to Daddy. Started screaming, couldn’t stop. Second time, last year, eighth grade graduation, Mama absent. Later, Mama shows up high. Grandma calls cops, Mama leaves. I shoulda stopped screaming, so I got slapped. Third time’s alarming.

  Broken Dreams

  Have to stay with LaKecia. No longer about this Community Center life. Grandma praying with Jesus’s “Sisters” in church. LaKecia mad at me. I’m mad at her. Don’t need to be here. Lots of counselor-babysitters here. LaKecia a’ight, got friends. Gonna slip home, snatch Grandma’s wig, and jet!

  New to Me

  Got my new-to-me iPhone, Ashley’s paid-return Uber. Won’t get caught. Do hair & makeup —lit! Helping with my stoned prep-school BFF’s Halloween THOT costume. Wine tastes good now! Hate Mama’s lies! Say it out loud to the sky! Hate Grandma’s rules! Hate both of you!

  Drunken Truth

  We take selfies. We tell our drunken truths. Shanequa: Hate everybody! Except you, Ashley. You take the funnest, beautiful-est pictures ever. Ashley: I hate my dad! Shanequa: Hate my dad, too! Ashley: I hate my mom! Shanequa: Wish my mom were dead! Ashley: She is. You’re drunk! Shanequa: Yeah, my mom’s a junk-head.

  Nightmare Sparks

  Shanequa: Only wished she was dead. Little friend fib. Forgive me? Ashley: Huh? Shanequa: Grandma says Mama’s a sick sinner. Left us after Daddy committed murder. Ashley: What? Shanequa: My mom burns her dreams. Flicking lighters, inhaling deep, exhaling steam. Life trapped in sleep. Ashley: What? You lied? Your mom’s alive?

  Vomit Dreams

  Uber text dings. Drunken truth makes me feel sickly. The roof’s spinning. Ashley just stares toward stars. She weaves, gulping the last wine drops. She heaves, vomiting over the roof ledge. Grandma’s prettiest wig flies off her head, meeting the vomit-stained sidewalk. Ashley says, GO AWAY!

  10:00pm

  LaKecia waits outside Grider Community Center alone. Cigarette spirits fly. Smoky shadows searching for something to smash street sickness. Seconds pass. Lisa sees her youngest walking alone in darkness. Hugs heal hurt hearts. Hand-holding keeps them warm. Lisa remembers a happy past while walking LaKecia home.

  I Sleep

  in the Uber. Driver shakes me. On my feet, walking home, upstairs. Head spins, wishing for bed. LaKecia! LAKECIA!? Forgotten duty. Grandma yells sirens. Drunken eyes roll. Grandma’s hand raises quick. Mama says, Don’t! Protects her winey daughter.

  Grandma Asks

  How could I forget LaKecia? Who do I think I am? What happened to her wig? When did I become a thief? Mama tries to help me. Grandma yells, Lisa, get out my house!! LaKecia is crying. Begging Grandma to let Mama stay. Mama starts to leave. I whisper, Good riddance. LaKecia hears me. It’s all your fault! she says. She’s right. I don’t care. (I’m high-key lying.)

  I Want Mama to Stay

  Low-key miss Mama. For the first time in a long time, I can really see Mama’s face. The sadness, mixed with lots of pain. Sort of what I see in Ashley’s face when I look at our drunk selfies.

  My Own Mama

  Elizabeth “Lisa” Clarke Stephens. Former hood beauty. Current ratchet queen. She’s scanning the apartment, her dark eyes swollen from tears. Red from no sleep, crusty with week-old makeup. Second-skin jeans sized too small to fit LaKecia. Revealing her drug life. Walking zombie.

  The Truth?

  I am repulsed. I hate her and I love her. I want her home here, with us. After Mama leaves, Grandma commands us to wash up, go to bed. Grandma walks outside. Hear her calling to Mama. LaKecia and I sneak, opening the door.

  Sliver-Sliced Door

  open to listen in. Grandma tells Mama about putting drugs before us after Daddy’s conviction. Mama must have this yakety-yak memorized. Do adults change hearing this? Kids don’t. I tell LaKecia, Go to the bathroom already! Wash up. Slowly, LaKecia walks away. She doesn’t need to hear Grandma fuss at Mama again. Then Grandma does a weird 180 turn.

  Grandma Tells Mama

  We’re having a surprise birthday party on Saturday for LaKecia. Tells her, Clean yourself up and get over here, on time, sober. Don’t embarrass these babies in front of their friends, you hear? Mama tries to give Grandma a hug. But Grandma pushes her away.

  Don’t You Wanna

  Mama smells stale. Grandma says, You got somewhere to take a bath, Lisa? Mama says, On the list at the shelter. For tonight? Be alright. You know me. That’s the problem, Lisa, I know you. Don’t you wanna change, girl? Don’t you wanna be their mama again? See Mama deflating, crying. Like a baby

  Couch Dreams

  Grandma lets Mama inside. Says, Take yourself a shower after the girls in bed. Don’t want no foolishness, now. You done broke every heart in this here house. Don’t make me a fool, giving you another chance. Grandma turns to the door. I slide so fast, crash into bed.

  Magic Trick

  Not believing what I saw. LaKecia keeps asking questions. Be quiet! Before Grandma hears. Gives us both a pre-birthday bash. Don’t wanna tell her what I think is happening. In case it’s all part of my drunken nightmare. A fantastic fantasy freeing feelings from false f
aith.

  I Don’t Look