Anecdotes of the Cynics Read online

  DL 6. 96–8

  Hipparchia came under the Cynics’ spell. She was captivated by Crates’ talk and behaviour. The wealth, birth and personal charm of conventional suitors had no appeal for her; Crates was her all in all. She even threatened her parents with suicide if they would not permit her to marry him. At their urging, Crates did everything he could to put the girl off but without success. He finally planted himself in front of her and disrobed. ‘Here is your husband,’ he said, ‘and here is all he owns. So consider carefully, because you cannot be my partner unless you are prepared to adopt my ways.’

  The girl made her choice in his favour. Assuming Cynic attire, she went around with him in public, even accompanying him to private dinners. In fact, this is how she came to be present at a party given by one Lysimachus. Theodorus, the notorious atheist, was also present, and she posed the following sophism to him. ‘Anything Theodorus is allowed, Hipparchia should be allowed to do also. Now if Theodorus hits himself he commits no crime. Neither does Hipparchia do wrong, then, in hitting Theodorus.’ At a loss to refute the argument, Theodorus tried separating her from the source of her brashness, the Cynic double cloak. Hipparchia, however, showed no signs of a woman’s alarm or timidity. Later he quoted at her lines from The Bacchae of Euripides: ‘Is this she who abandoned the web and woman’s work?’ ‘Yes,’ Hipparchia promptly came back, ‘it is I. But don’t suppose for a moment that I regret the time I spend improving my mind instead of squatting by a loom.’

  ANTIPATER OF SIDON, ANTH. PAL. 7. 413

  Instead of the role of a fashionably dressed woman, I, Hipparchia, chose the Cynics’ uniquely demanding way of life. I don’t care for shawls secured with clasps, high-heeled leather shoes, or fancy fillets to hold my hair in place. Supplied with barley meal, supported by my staff, with my doubled cloak that serves for dress by day, as bedding on the rocky ground at night, I outdo Atalanta of Arcadia, in so far as wisdom outclasses a knack for nimbly negotiating mountain terrain.

  BION

  Reading Bion, we can see how, as a school of philosophy, Cynicism evolved, or devolved, into the modern, lower-case epithet ‘cynical’. What sentiments survive under his name give no hint of a reforming spirit; at times they call to the mind the world-weary epigrams of La Rochefoucauld or the Nietzsche of Human, All Too Human. But his literary talent and influence show that he was not a pessimist with nothing to contribute but a talent for churlish humour. He is one of the Cynics’ most gifted writers, especially in the creation of apposite metaphors, as evidenced in the fragments below and in the examples credited to him by Teles.

  DL 4. 46–53

  Bion was by birth a citizen of Borysthenes. Who his parents were, and what his circumstances were like before he turned philosopher, he personally described to Antigonus in plain and honest terms. For when Antigonus put to him the line from Homer: ‘Who among men are you, and from where? What is your city and who are your parents?’ Bion, knowing that the king had already heard unflattering things about him, replied, ‘My father was a freedman who wiped his nose on his sleeve — which is to say, he was a dealer in salt fish — and a native of Borysthenes. He was a man of no distinction unless you count the marks on his face, tokens of his master’s cruelty. As for my mother, she was exactly the sort of woman you would expect a man like my father to marry: they met in a whorehouse. Then the whole lot of us were sold into slavery when my father engaged in a bit of embezzling. My relative youth and good looks helped me find an owner in the form of an orator, who left me everything when he died.

  ‘I burnt his books, scratched together all I could, came to Athens and took up the study of philosophy. And now you know all about my glorious family background and social circumstances. So it’s time Persaeus and Philonides stopped telling stories about me and you judged me for yourself.’

  To be frank, Bion was in many respects a shifty character and wily sophist. He provided the enemies of philosophy with plenty of ammunition. On occasion he could act superior and indulge in arrogant behaviour. But he left behind many memoirs and useful sayings. Being once asked who suffers most from anxiety, he replied, ‘Whoever is most ambitious to succeed.’ Asked if it was wise to marry, he answered, ‘If your wife is ugly you’ll be swearing, if she’s pretty you’ll be sharing.’

  He called old age life’s harbour from troubles; everyone, after all, takes refuge there. Fame he called the mother of misery; beauty, he said, only benefited others; and money was the glue that held society together. A spendthrift had gone through his entire patrimony, his lands included. ‘The earth devoured Amphiaraus,’ Bion said to him, ‘but you have succeeded in devouring the earth.’ In his view, not being able to bear with misfortune was a misfortune in itself.

  He often said that it was better to share one’s youth and beauty with others than to take pleasure in the charms of someone else, because the latter habit spelled the ruin of not just the body but the soul. He even criticized Socrates, saying that if he was drawn to Alcibiades but abstained from sex with him he was a fool; and if he was not attracted to him then there was nothing remarkable in his restraint.

  The journey to Hades, he used to say, was an easy one; men did it with their eyes closed. He criticized Alcibiades because as a boy he drew husbands away from their wives, and as a young man stole wives away from their husbands. When the Athenians were absorbed in the practice of rhetoric, he taught philosophy at Rhodes. To someone who faulted him for this, he replied, ‘I have a supply of barley; am I then to try and trade in wheat?’

  He would say that a worse punishment for the Danaids in Hades would have been to make their vessels sound instead of full of holes and leaky. To a chatty young man who pestered him for favours, he said, ‘I will oblige you but only if you send friends to plead your case so that I won’t have to deal with you face to face any more.’ Self-satisfaction he called an obstacle to progress. There was a rich man who worried over every penny. ‘He does not own a fortune,’ he observed, ‘his fortune owns him.’ Also: ‘Misers of this sort watch over their property as if it were their own, but it may as well belong to others for all the good it does them.’ And, ‘Young men have courage enough, but knowing when to pick one’s battles only comes with age.’

  He said that good sense surpassed the other virtues as much as sight excels the other senses. And we should not malign old age considering we all hope to reach it. A notorious misanthrope had a particularly black look one day. ‘I don’t know whether you have met with bad luck,’ he said to him, ‘or a neighbour with good.’ According to him, low birth was inimical to free speech, ‘Because it humbles a man, however bold he is by nature.’

  Know well the characters of your friends, he urged, to avoid the reputation of keeping company with lowlifes, or miss the chance to associate with people worthy of your time. When he first turned to philosophy, he studied the doctrines of the Academy, even while attending Crates’ lectures. Then he devoted himself to the Cynic discipline, putting on the cloak and satchel; for how better to achieve the ideal of serenity and self-possession? For a time he subscribed to the views of Theodorus the atheist, seduced by the mass of sophistic arguments that filled his lectures. After his Theodorean phase he attended the talks of Theophrastus the Peripatetic.

  He had nothing but scorn for music and mathematics. He lived extravagantly, and for this reason he would move from one city to another, sometimes contriving to make a great show. Thus at Rhodes he persuaded the sailors to put on students’ garb and follow in his train. And when, attended by them, he made his way into the gymnasium, all eyes soon were on him. It was his custom also to adopt certain young men for the gratification of his appetite and in order to be protected by their goodwill. He was quite the egotist and attached great importance to the maxim that ‘friends share everything in common’.

  Hence it happened that not a single pupil out of all who attended his lectures became his disciple. And yet there were some who followed his lead in shamelessness. Betion, for instance, one of his int
imates, is said to have once addressed Menedemus in these words: ‘For my part, Menedemus, I pass the night with Bion, and don’t think I am any the worse for it.’ In private conversation he would often promote fiercely atheistic views, the fruits of his association with Theodorus. Afterwards, when he fell ill (so it was said by the people of Chalcis, where he died), he was persuaded to wear an amulet and to repent of his blasphemies against religion. With no one to care for him, his suffering was appalling until Antigonus sent him two attendants. And Favorinus in his Miscellaneous History reports that the king himself joined his cortège carried in a litter.

  Abbreviations

  Ad Lucil. epist. Ad Lucilium epistulae

  Anth. Pal. Anthologia Palatina or Palatine Anthology

  Arist. Rh. Aristotle’s Rhetoric

  Benef. De beneficiis

  Cic. Cicero

  Codex florent. of John Damasc. Codex Florentinus of St John of Damascus

  col. column

  comm. in Epict. enchir. In Epicteti enchiridion commentarium

  De off. De officiis

  DK Die Fragmente der Vorsakratiker, eds H. Diels and W. Kranz (Berlin 1954), 3 volumes

  DL Diogenes Laertius, Lives of the Ancient Philosophers

  Gnom. Paris. Gnomologium Parisinum

  Gnoml. Vat. Gnomologium Vaticanum

  Hercher R. Hercher, Epistolographi Graeci (Paris 1873)

  Il. Iliad

  In Epist. I ad Corinth. homil. In Epistulam primam ad Corinthios homilia

  Inst. epit. Institutionum epitome

  Joann. Chrysost. Joannes Chrysostomus

  Mem. Memorabilia

  Mor. Moralia

  Od. Odyssey

  Orat. ad Graec. Oratio ad Graecos

  Or. Oration

  Pl. Plato

  Plut. Plutarch

  Prov. De Providentia

  Sen. Seneca

  Simplic. Simplicius

  Smp. Symposium

  Stob. Stobaeus

  Suid. Suidas or The Suda

  TD The Tusculan Disputations

  Xen. Xenophon

  Square brackets [ ] around a name indicate that the associated work is spurious, that is, probably not written by the accredited author but by someone whose identity is uncertain. Ellipses between square brackets indicate that the passage has been abridged in translation. Text between < > (less than and greater than symbols) indicates that a lacuna has been filled with a phrase or sentence supplied exempli gratia.

  Chronology

  BC

  469–399 Socrates

  c. 445–365 Antisthenes

  c. 410–323 Diogenes of Sinope

  c. 365–285 Crates of Thebes

  c. 350–300 Hipparchia

  336–323 Reign of Alexander the Great

  c. 334–323 Onesicritus accompanies Alexander on his campaign, about which he subsequently wrote a history.

  c. 325–250 Bion of Borysthenes

  323 The death of Alexander

  c. 235 fl. Teles of Megara

  31 Octavian (later Augustus) defeats Cleopatra

  AD

  c. 4 BC–65 Seneca the Younger

  37–71 fl. Demetrius, the first Cynic of note in the city of Rome

  1st–3rd centuries age of the Second Sophistic

  c.40–112 Dio Chrysostom, sophist and rhetorician

  c. 55–135 Epictetus

  c. 70–170 Demonax

  c. 125–180 Lucian, sophist and satirist

  c. 200 Diogenes Laertius, author of the Lives of the Ancient Philosophers, which includes a chapter (6) devoted to the Cynics

  331–363 Roman emperor Julian the Apostate

  c. 450–500 Sallustius of Emesa, last known Cynic philosopher

  BOCCACCIO · Mrs Rosie and the Priest

  GERARD MANLEY HOPKINS · As king fishers catch fire

  The Saga of Gunnlaug Serpent-tongue

  THOMAS DE QUINCEY · On Murder Considered as One of the Fine Arts

  FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE · Aphorisms on Love and Hate

  JOHN RUSKIN · Traffic

  PU SONGLING · Wailing Ghosts

  JONATHAN SWIFT · A Modest Proposal

  Three Tang Dynasty Poets

  WALT WHITMAN · On the Beach at Night Alone

  KENKŌ · A Cup of Sake Beneath the Cherry Trees

  BALTASAR GRACIÁN · How to Use Your Enemies

  JOHN KEATS · The Eve of St Agnes

  THOMAS HARDY · Woman much missed

  GUY DE MAUPASSANT · Femme Fatale

  MARCO POLO · Travels in the Land of Serpents and Pearls

  SUETONIUS · Caligula

  APOLLONIUS OF RHODES · Jason and Medea

  ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON · Olalla

  KARL MARX AND FRIEDRICH ENGELS · The Communist Manifesto

  PETRONIUS · Trimalchio’s Feast

  JOHANN PETER HEBEL · How a Ghastly Story Was Brought to Light by a Common or Garden Butcher’s Dog

  HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN · The T inder Box

  RUDYARD KIPLING · The Gate of the Hundred Sorrows

  DANTE · Circles of Hell

  HENRY MAYHEW · Of Street Piemen

  HAFEZ · The nightingales are drunk

  GEOFFREY CHAUCER · The Wife of Bath

  MICHEL DE MONTAIGNE · How We Weep and Laugh at the Same Thing

  THOMAS NASHE · The Terrors of the Night

  EDGAR ALLAN POE · The Tell-Tale Heart

  MARY KINGSLEY · A Hippo Banquet

  JANE AUSTEN · The Beautifull Cassandra

  ANTON CHEKHOV · Gooseberries

  SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE · Well, they are gone, and here must I remain

  JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE · Sketchy, Doubtful, Incomplete Jottings

  CHARLES DICKENS · The Great W inglebury Duel

  HERMAN MELVILLE · The Maldive Shark

  ELIZABETH GASKELL · The Old Nurse’s Story

  NIKOLAY LESKOV · The Steel Flea

  HONORÉ DE BALZAC · The Atheist’s Mass

  CHARLOTTE PERKINS GILMAN · The Yellow Wall-Paper

  C. P. CAVAFY · Remember, Body …

  FYODOR DOSTOEVSKY · The Meek One

  GUSTAVE FLAUBERT · A Simple Heart

  NIKOLAI GOGOL · The Nose

  SAMUEL PEPYS · The Great Fire of London

  EDITH WHARTON · The Reckoning

  HENRY JAMES · The Figure in the Carpet

  WILFRED OWEN · Anthem For Doomed Youth

  WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART · My Dearest Father

  PLATO · Socrates’ Defence

  CHRISTINA ROSSETTI · Goblin Market

  Sindbad the Sailor

  SOPHOCLES · Antigone

  RYŪNOSUKE AKUTAGAWA · The Life of a Stupid Man

  LEO TOLSTOY · How Much Land Does A Man Need?

  GIORGIO VASARI · Leonardo da Vinci

  OSCAR WILDE · Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime

  SHEN FU · The Old Man of the Moon

  AESOP · The Dolphins, the Whales and the Gudgeon

  MATSUO BASHŌ · Lips too Chilled

  EMILY BRONTË · The Night is Darkening Round Me

  JOSEPH CONRAD · To-morrow

  RICHARD HAKLUYT · The Voyage of Sir Francis Drake Around the Whole Globe

  KATE CHOPIN · A Pair of Silk Stockings

  CHARLES DARWIN · It was snowing butterflies

  BROTHERS GRIMM · The Robber Bridegroom

  CATULLUS · I Hate and I Love

  HOMER · Circe and the Cyclops

  D. H. LAWRENCE · Il Duro

  KATHERINE MANSFIELD · Miss Brill

  OVID · The Fall of Icarus

  SAPPHO · Come Close

  IVAN TURGENEV · Kasyan from the Beautiful Lands

  VIRGIL · O Cruel Alexis

  H. G. WELLS · A Slip under the Microscope

  HERODOTUS · The Madness of Cambyses

  Speaking of Siva

  The Dhammapada

  JANE AUSTEN · Lady Susan

  JEAN-JACQUES ROSSEAU · The Body Politic

  JEAN DE LA FONT
AINE · The World is Full of Foolish Men

  H. G. WELLS · The Sea Raiders

  LIVY · Hannibal

  CHARLES DICKENS · To Be Read at Dusk

  LEO TOLSTOY · The Death of Ivan Ilyich

  MARK TWAIN · The Stolen White Elephant

  WILLIAM BLAKE · Tyger, Tyger

  SHERIDAN LE FANU · Green Tea

  The Yellow Book

  OLAUDAH EQUIANO · Kidnapped

  EDGAR ALLAN POE · A Modern Detective

  The Suffragettes

  MARGERY KEMPE · How To Be a Medieval Woman

  JOSEPH CONRAD · Typhoon

  GIACOMO CASANOVA · The Nun of Murano

  W. B. YEATS · A terrible beauty is born

  THOMAS HARDY · The Withered Arm

  EDWARD LEAR · Nonsense

  ARISTOPHANES · The Frogs

  FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE · Why I Am so Clever

  RAINER MARIA RILKE · Letters to a Young Poet

  LEONID ANDREYEV · Seven Hanged

  APHRA BEHN · Oroonoko

  LEWIS CARROLL · O frabjous day!

  JOHN GAY · Trivia: or, the Art of Walking the Streets of London

  E. T. A. HOFFMANN · The Sandman

  DANTE · Love that moves the sun and other stars

  ALEXANDER PUSHKIN · The Queen of Spades

  ANTON CHEKHOV · A Nervous Breakdown

  KAKUZO OKAKURA · The Book of Tea

  WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE · Is this a dagger which I see before me?

  EMILY DICKINSON · My life had stood a loaded gun

  LONGUS · Daphnis and Chloe

  MARY SHELLEY · Matilda

  GEORGE ELIOT · The Lifted Veil

  FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY · White Nights

  OSCAR WILDE · Only Dull People Are Brilliant at Breakfast

  VIRGINIA WOOLF · Flush