Take This Regret Read online

  September 2004

  “Christian, let go!” Elizabeth struggled to untangle herself from the arms wrapped around her waist. Christian tightened his hold. She giggled and pushed against his chest.

  His words came muffled into the crook of her neck where he pressed his mouth against her soft skin. “No, stay.”

  “I wish I could, but I have to get to class.” She pul ed back, her golden-brown eyes smiling into his intense blue.

  He pretended to pout but released his hold, al owing her to rol away from him. A faint smile tugged at his mouth as he turned to lie on his stomach, watching as Elizabeth dressed in the late evening light filtering in through the blinds of his bedroom window. She leaned down to pul her jeans onto her long, toned legs. Locks of dark-blond hair cascaded in messy waves over her shoulder, obstructing her smal , heart-shaped face, though every line, dimple, and curve had been burned into his mind. Everything about her made him think of honey, the honey tinge of her eyes, the sun kiss of her skin, the sweetness of her mouth.

  He’d known the moment he’d met her that they were perfect for each other. They’d been paired in a study group four years ago during their freshman year at Columbia University. When he’d walked through the door of the smal café and had first seen her, she’d taken his breath away.

  Then when he’d sat down and talked to her, he found she was not only beautiful but one of the most intel igent, compassionate people he’d ever met.

  Like Christian, Elizabeth wanted to be an attorney though for entirely different reasons. While he planned to become a real estate attorney so he could one day be a partner in his father’s law firm, Elizabeth was going into family law, focusing on children’s rights. She wasn’t in it for the money. She thought it was the best way for her to become an advocate for those who could not protect themselves.

  The passion that came from Elizabeth’s mouth that first day had made Christian question himself—what he

  believed in and what he lived for. Even then, he’d been sure she would make him a better person. What Christian had found most appealing was how laid-back she was through it al . So many of the girls he’d met when he’d come to New York City had either been stuffy and boring or were only interested in partying on the free ride their wealthy parents had given them.

  But not Elizabeth. She was serious about school and committed to her future, but she stil took time to enjoy every day of her life, something in which Christian had had a hard time finding a balance. He’d always been pushed by his father to do the best, to be the best, and somehow he’d lost himself along the way. He’d become arrogant, conceited, and completely wrapped up in himself. Elizabeth had chal enged his self-serving attitude from the very start.

  Christian had not been accustomed to being told no, yet somehow his typical charms had no effect on her.

  Elizabeth was never one for frivolous things, a fling with a beautiful, black-haired, blue-eyed boy included. When she’d first met Christian, it had been clear what he was after, and Elizabeth had never al owed herself to be so careless with her affections. But as the semester had progressed and their study sessions grew longer with conversations straying far from the topic of their class, she’d uncovered more in him than the entitled frat boy she’d initial y thought him to be. She’d found when she dug deeper into his past and broke through the egoistical façade, there was a good-natured boy who’d been emotional y hindered by the pressures placed on him by his elitist parents.

  So when he’d asked her out again four months after their first meeting, she’d given in. It was then she realized she’d already fal en impossibly in love with a boy who came dangerously close to resembling the type of man she swore she’d never al ow control of her heart.

  They’d been inseparable ever since, spending every free moment of their busy schedules together. Christian had asked her many times to move in with him, and while she found the idea of waking up next to him each morning incredibly inviting, Elizabeth had always quietly refused, committed to the picture she had painted in her mind from childhood. It was one of a new house with a new husband, a place where she would become mother and he would become father, though she now found that picture skewed.

  Elizabeth glanced over her shoulder at Christian as she prepared to leave, and a wave of guilt washed over her for keeping it from him for so long. She’d known for a week.

  Every day she intended to tel him, but each time she opened her mouth, the words just wouldn’t come. Even with the progress she’d seen him make, growing from the self-centered teenager she’d met their first year at Columbia to the kind-hearted man she knew now, he stil had his life mapped out; a plan he intended to fol ow, and she was not sure how he was going to handle this news. She wasn’t concerned about their relationship. She felt confident in their commitment to one another. They were solid. What she was worried about was how much stress this would place on him. This wasn’t exactly what she’d expected of her last year of under-grad before law school either.

  Elizabeth just believed she was better at accepting what life threw her way.

  Grabbing her backpack, she slung it over her shoulder and leaned down to place a quick kiss on Christian’s lips.

  “Bye. I’l see you tomorrow.”

  He returned her kiss, lingering a little longer than she had. “I’l miss you.”

  “Miss you too.”

  Elizabeth turned and left Christian’s smal third-floor apartment. With each step, her feet grew heavier as she wondered about the best way to tel him. By the time she reached the last set of stairs leading to the ground floor, she’d convinced herself she just needed to get it out. She turned and raced back up the stairs. She had a key, but for some reason, she felt the need to knock. She rapped loudly on his door.

  Stretching, Christian yawned and sat up on the side of his bed, deciding he’d better get some studying in since he’d spent most of the day in bed with Elizabeth. Not that he’d ever consider it a waste of time. When someone knocked on his door, he quickly pul ed on his jeans from the floor and ran a hand through his thick mass of black hair, having no idea what was awaiting him on the other side of the door.

  Peering through the peephole, he caught sight of Elizabeth. He was confused—not by her presence, but by the fact that she was standing outside his door, asking permission to enter. He swung the door open and frowned.

  “Elizabeth, what are you doing?”

  “I need to talk to you.” The distinct anxiety laced through the words made him fearful, and he pul ed her inside, shutting the door behind them.

  “What’s wrong?” Obviously, there was something wrong, or she wouldn’t have been standing in his apartment, staring at her feet with rigid arms held over her chest.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  Christian strained to her hear her whispered words, struggling to decipher them—he was sure she had not just said what he thought she did.

  Clearly, though, he was not mistaken when she final y brought her gaze to his, her eyes watery and afraid. His hands began to shake, and he ran them nervously through his hair again as he al owed himself to real y hear her.

  A baby? That would ruin everything—everything he’d worked for, everything she’d worked for, and every plan they’d ever made. His chest tightened, and for the first time in his life, he felt as if he might have a panic attack. Part of him wanted to demand to know how she could have been so careless, before the rational side of him made him accept whatever had happened was just as much his fault as hers. It was the rational side that saw her shaking and wanted to comfort her, to tel her it would be okay. It was the same side that told him not to panic and they had options. It didn’t have to be that big of a deal.

  “Hey,” he said
softly as he took a step forward to wrap his arms around her. He ran his hand through her long hair to soothe her. Her face pressed into his chest as she released an audible sigh of relief with his touch. “It’s okay,” he whispered calmly into the side of her head. “We’l get it taken care of.”

  Elizabeth jerked back as if she’d been slapped and searched his face.

  “Christian, you don’t real y expect me to do that, do you?” she asked, incredulous.

  As much as Christian loved Elizabeth, he thought sometimes she just couldn’t see straight through her idealistic mind. Of course they’d talked about her beliefs before, and he knew her viewpoint, but that was before they’d been thrown into the situation. It changed things. He was convinced it was the only way.

  “Elizabeth . . . you have to.”

  Elizabeth shook her head, appearing to struggle against her tears. She backed two steps away from him.

  “I’m having this baby, Christian.”

  “Think about it, Elizabeth.” His words came out harsher than he’d intended, and Christian suddenly realized just how angry he felt that she’d already made a decision without him. “How do you expect to go through law school and have a baby? Have you even thought about it?” She had to see just how impossible the situation was.

  Elizabeth looked confused as if she couldn’t grasp what he was trying to say and stuttered, “I . . . I don’t know.

  We . . . we’l figure it out.”

  Christian squeezed his eyes shut and turned away from her as she began to cry. He tried to rein in his temper even though he real y wanted to yel at her and tel her just how stupid and irrational she was being. This would ruin their lives— his life. Somewhat unconsciously, Christian found himself thinking thoughts he’d worked so hard to overcome, thoughts of himself, what he needed, and what he wanted. Suddenly, he didn’t see the hurting girl in front of him, the girl he loved, the girl he had every intention of spending the rest of his life with.

  He saw somebody standing in his way.

  He turned quickly and leveled his eyes at her, his face hard as manipulative words fel from his mouth before he could real y think through their meaning. “It’s me or the baby, Elizabeth. You can’t have us both.” She swal owed deeply and nodded her head as she visibly accepted the ultimatum that Christian had laid out before her. After al , Christian knew there was real y never a decision to make.

  “Goodbye, Christian.” For the second time that day, he had to work to make sense of what Elizabeth had said.

  Pushing past him, she reached out to turn the doorknob.

  “Elizabeth.” She paused when he cal ed her name.

  From behind, Christian observed the rise and fal of her uneven breaths, shocked at the heartless words he spat at her back, “Come back when you’ve changed your mind.” She shook her head as she swung the door open and slammed it shut behind her.

  Christian stared at the closed door, torn between running after her and waiting for her return. But if he went after her now, he knew that meant one of them would concede, and it wasn’t going to be him.

  Two hours later, Christian sat at his desk studying for his politics midterm, al the while listening intently for the sound of footsteps outside his door he felt certain he would hear.

  He trained his attention on the heavy textbook in front of him, trying to ignore the growing anxiety he felt each time he picked up his cel phone to check if he’d missed any messages.

  None came.

  It was wel after midnight when he crawled into bed, convinced she just needed some time to realize he was right. He had to be right. He wouldn’t al ow himself to think otherwise, so every time that wave of guilt came, he pushed it aside.

  He envisioned her awake, just as he was, tossing uncomfortably in her smal bed that rested in the far corner of her studio apartment and slowly coming to terms with what she needed to do.

  But when he dragged his unrested body from his bed the next morning, his phone was stil devoid of messages.

  He had been cruel—he knew it. He could only hope he hadn’t pushed her too far, but that she would somehow understand he was just trying to protect their future.

  Christian ate a bowl of cold cereal and then forced himself into the steam of his shower, desperate to find anything to chase away his fatigue. He found his head in a cloud, both from lack of sleep and from the scenarios running through his mind, ones including a life without Elizabeth.

  What if she never came back?

  Could he real y give her up?

  As he rubbed the soapy sponge over his body, he tried to picture an existence without her. A life void of the perfect pitch of her voice, the way it rang out when she laughed. A life in which he didn’t touch the softness of her skin or have the right to pul her body against his. A life without a child crying out from the next room as he tried, unsuccessful y, to study for the bar.

  Groaning, he shook his head and forced it al away, tel ing himself it would not come to that.

  He was certain when he saw her in class today, she would take her normal seat beside him in the lecture hal , lean in, and whisper in his ear that he was right.

  But when her seat remained vacant, his unease grew, gnawing at his stomach. The moment the professor dismissed class, Christian raced from the room and to the café where Elizabeth and he studied every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. He frantical y scanned the room, finding several mildly familiar faces but not the one he wanted to see.

  By the time he reached her apartment complex, he was panting, both from exertion from the mile he had run and the constriction fear had placed on his heart. He

  pounded on the door, giving her no time to answer before he yel ed, “Elizabeth!” There was no sound from the other side, no rustling of curtains or faint shuffling of feet. Even then, he wasn’t satisfied. Fumbling with his keys, he found his spare and pushed it into the lock.

  The door opened to the quietness; the smal studio comfortably cluttered as always. The only thing that seemed amiss was the blankets from her normal y neat bed were strewn on the floor. Christian crossed the space to the only separate room. The door to the bathroom rested ajar, that room as empty as the first.

  Christian pressed his back against the wal and took a deep breath. He wasn’t prepared for this. He’d never thought it would go this far.

  Reluctantly, he forced himself out of the apartment, shutting and locking the door behind him before he left, hating the voice inside his head that kept tel ing him this was for the best.

  Reeling from the betrayal, Elizabeth ran down the three flights of stairs and away from the man she had thought would always stand by her side. She felt as if she’d been mortal y wounded by his words. Christian knew that wasn’t an option for her. How could he even have suggested it?

  In the harshness of his words, she’d searched the depths of his blue eyes for the man she thought she knew but must have never real y known. The man she thought she knew would never have been so cruel. She knew as she told him goodbye that her voice had shaken with heartbreak, but her choice was unwavering. There was nothing more important than the child growing inside her.

  When he’d cal ed out to her just before she’d left, she’d prayed he had changed his mind. Above al , she loved him and didn’t want to live without him, but second to that, she was scared. She didn’t want to raise a child by herself, but she realized she would have to do just that when she heard no softness in his voice, but more words to inflict pain.

  Tears fel endlessly as she walked the half mile from Christian’s apartment to her own. Her stomach was in knots and protesting each step she took.

  She refused to look behind her as she pressed forward, her feet heavy with heartbreak, the weight causing her to stumble.

  Halfway home the pain in her stomach intensified, and she vomited into some shrubs planted under the window of a storefront. This only caused her to cry harder and the cramps to worsen, which resulted in three more episodes before she made it to the single flight of
stairs leading to her apartment door. She clung to the railing, holding herself up as she vomited once more over the side.

  By then she was weeping, unable to control the shaking that had taken over her body. She made it to the landing of her apartment, and with trembling hands, let herself into the only place she came close to being able to afford.

  She felt cold, her body convulsing as she pul ed her clothes from her body and stepped into a shower that should have been hot enough to scald. Even then, she found no warmth, and she curled in upon herself on the tiled shower floor, hoping for comfort. She only quivered and shook more. She felt as if she was frozen from the inside out, and nothing could thaw the chil that had settled deep in her bones. She wrapped herself in a towel and sank to her bathroom floor, heaving again into the toilet.

  Elizabeth was scared.

  She’d never felt so terrible before. She ached. The worst part was she couldn’t discern the source of the pain

  —whether it was from something truly wrong with her or from the trauma of having her life shattered around her.

  Most of al she worried about her baby. She didn’t know many things about pregnancy, but nothing about this felt normal to her. So when her stomach recoiled again and nothing came up, she was sure she needed help.

  She pul ed herself up to stand, steadied herself with a hand against the wal when she swayed with dizziness, and prayed she could make it to her phone.

  She wanted Christian so badly, and her first instinct

  was to dial his number, but she forced herself to dial seven different digits than the ones she so desperately wanted.

  Christian was no longer hers, no longer one she could rely on, and there was only one other person in this city that she trusted.

  His voice was scratchy and hoarse with sleep when he answered, “Hel o?” More time had passed than Elizabeth had realized. It was nearing midnight.

  “Matthew . . .” she rasped, his name barely audible. The desperation in her voice pul ed him from his haze, and he shot straight up in bed.