Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life Read online

  1973

  Each morning leading up to Nixon’s impeachment, Amy waits for her father to read newspaper headlines, then asks whether Nixon is impeached yet. Has only the vaguest sense of what impeach means. While she knows enough to know it has nothing to do with peaches, it is still the image that comes to mind.

  1973

  Amy returns from being out sick and takes a make-up spelling test with Mrs. Gotchalk. Misspells coat even though she knows how to spell coat, of course she knows how to spell coat. Feels chagrin.

  1973

  On hot summer days, pulls bottom of T-shirt up through neck and down, making a sort of midriff-baring halter top. Will have flirtatious undertones in later years, but for now, totally innocent gesture.

  1973

  Mrs. Bycraft tells Amy that they are moving. Amy panics, asks Mrs. Bycraft if she’ll still be here for Amy’s birthday, as if that is all that matters.

  1974

  Trades Wacky Packages cards with friends.

  1974

  Amy writes a letter to PBS. Tells them she wants to have her own TV show. Outlines what it would be like. Hopes they don’t notice the obvious Zoom similarities.

  1974

  Amy sits at the school lunch table and talks about what the class has just learned in science that morning, something about the effect warm water has on the body, how it makes some people have to go to the bathroom. She blurts out, “Oh, yeah—that’s why I always have to pee in the bathtub!” She waits for everyone else to say, “I do that, too,” but no one does. Mortified, but also knows she could not have not said it, understands that it is her nature to reveal this sort of thing.

  1974

  Amy’s father drops a can of shaving cream on his toe. Rather severe injury for a toe. Big deal in their house.

  1974

  Amy badly hurts leg at playground, on tornado slide. Game entails sitting horizontally midway down slide and with outstretched legs trying to block friends from getting past. Weight of kids sends Amy down slide but right leg remains stuck in mass of bodies. Leg twists and snaps. Then Amy passes out. This becomes a story she will now tell throughout her life. On crutches for long time. Gets special desk at school, in corner, against far left wall, so she can keep leg elevated on chair. Is allowed to decorate her space, tack something up on wall next to her. Very exciting. Imagines this must be what it’s like to have own apartment, one’s own space.

  1974

  Amy gets a shirt for her birthday that says Amy on the front and 9 on the back. One of her favorite presents ever. Wears it all the time. Asks for a 10 shirt on next birthday. Gets it, but it is different, not same soft material, stiffer. Stays in her drawer. First (but not last) lesson about futility of trying to replicate good thing or good experience—never as good second time, only causes disappointment.

  Amy/9 shirt.

  1975

  Amy is hanging out at her parents’ office—which is in her family’s basement at the time—talking to an employee, Cathy. Amy wants to show Cathy a game she learned at school. Amy sings “Yankee Doodle Dandy,” but with each word starting with F. Fankee foodle fent fo fown … She gets to joke point of the song—fuck a feather. Cathy not amused. Amy feels ashamed, remorseful. Tries to back-pedal. Unconvincingly says she did not know about bad part, thought joke was word phony … fiding on a phony.

  1975

  Fourth grade. Can’t quite figure out what the word mandatory means. Teacher often uses it when talking about homework and in-class projects, but Amy is confused: Is that the one that means it’s optional, so you don’t have to do it, or the one that means you absolutely have to do it? Too far into school year to ask about it.

  1975–1983

  Amy gets a strange echo sensation in her head, a state that comes over her out of nowhere. She is sitting on floor on side of her bed, facing closet. Tries to concentrate on this pounding inner echo; seems to amplify her thoughts as if over loudspeaker with reverb. Tries to make sense of it. Maybe something wrong with her brain? Sits it out, waits for it to dissipate; it does after a few minutes. This happens several times throughout her childhood.

  1975

  Amy and friends sing McDonald’s jingle as fast as they can: Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun.

  1975

  Asked to sit down on parents’ bed, something to tell her. It’s early morning, before school. Parents say that her friend M. will need her more than ever today. Bad things about M.’s father on news and in newspaper. Had hired someone to kill his wife. Got caught. In jail. Thinks of lanky, longhaired M. down the street. Enormity of incident felt at this moment, but soon rumors migrate, school is still school, M. is still M., and succession of regular days wears down episode’s coarse edges.

  1975

  Susie Rabyne’s dad is driving Amy and Susie home from somewhere. They are on highway. He points to road sign: INDIANA, NEXT EXIT. He says, What do you say, guys—should we go to Indiana? Amy gets excited, sits up on one knee, peeks her head in gap between driver and passenger seat. Wow! she thinks. He’s serious! Fantastic spontaneous adventure! We will bypass plain old Chicago and go to Indiana! Indiana—a whole new state! They come to turnoff; Mr. Rabyne keeps going straight. Amy realizes he was only kidding. Amy is deflated. Untucks her leg and sits back down regular on seat.

  1975

  Krouse children are all told they can only watch educational TV, such as news. Learn to quickly switch to news channel when they hear parents walk in front door.

  Table

  MOST MEMORABLE TV SHOWS AND MOVIES

  The Carol Burnett Show The Wizard of Oz

  The Flip Wilson Show Our Town, play on PBS

  The Brady Bunch Escape to Witch Mountain

  The Electric Company Forever, with Stephanie

  Speed Racer Zimbalist

  Schoolhouse Rock The Other Side of the

  Land of the Lost Mountain

  Creature Features One on One, with Robby

  James at 15 Benson

  The Wonderful World of A Little Romance, with

  Disney, on Sunday nights Diane Lane

  Family, with Kristy McNichol Airplane

  Zoom Arthur

  Eight Is Enough Grease

  The Love Boat Fiddler on the Roof

  Fantasy Island

  1975

  Amy has two major revelations. The first: She discovers people don’t just go to work, they have specific jobs. Prior to 1975, Amy assumes everyone does same thing, more or less—aside from policemen, firemen, doctors; only concrete image conjured up for her by word work is one of grown-up departing from home. She learns that her neighbor Mr. Bycraft works for Dial soap. Job has something to do with producing or wrapping or selling of soap. Fascinating, that there are actually people who do this, though upon reflection it makes complete sense to her. Then learns her uncle is a steel businessman; this apparently involves getting chunks of steel and doing something to it and then selling it to someone. How many kinds of jobs there must be—she imagines dozens for sure.

  The second discovery has to do with filmmaking. Amy thinks that when they make a movie, they film it in sequence, set up each scene in exact order of story. Incredulous at hassle of undertaking: Finish one scene, go to different location (or country!) and shoot that scene, then six scenes and many locations later, back to same place, set it up exact same way again. She now learns about concept of editing, is very relieved.

  Table A

  THINGS THAT CONFUSED ME FOR MUCH LONGER THAN THEY SHOULD HAVE

  How they could have pools on ships. Thought it was just a hole in middle of ship that let in ocean water. Then wouldn’t people be left in ocean if ship kept moving?

  Horatio Alger—baseball player or famous writer?

  Why terrorists would take credit for bombings—why would they admit that?

  How coincidental it would be that, say, Sylvester Stallone was on Johnny Carson exactly when Rambo came out.

  Whi
ch ones were the mittens and which ones were the gloves.

  Thought they were saying “ten year,” like really good teachers would be granted a ten-year contract. Tenure. Oh. They’re saying tenure.

  Thought they were saying “old-timers” when describing people who were really old and forgetful. I figured they were just speaking fast, slurring the d and the t, making the word old-timers sound like Alzheimer’s.

  What “under new management” meant.

  Table B

  WHAT MY FRIENDS WERE CONFUSED BY AS CHILDREN

  I couldn’t understand the difference between a sound track in a movie, which the actors supposedly could not hear, and if there was a radio on in the movie, which the actors could hear. Music would be playing and I’d say to my mom, “Okay, can they hear that? Okay, now can they hear that?”

  If it was raining out and a fire truck went racing by, I didn’t understand how there could be a fire. If it was raining, I figured the water would just put it out.

  I remember seeing construction going on and wondering when everything would be finished—that one day all the construction everywhere would be totally done.

  I used to think I could see atoms, but it was just dust.

  I couldn’t understand how people could be so stupid to die in plane crashes. If they knew the plane was going down, why wouldn’t they just jump out on the wing and jump off?

  My earliest memory of having a bath with my dad involved him covering up his private parts with a washcloth. When it came time for the discussion about sex with Mom, I thought that a penis looked like a washcloth.

  I thought the basement of department stores would fill up with steps from the escalator pushing them down all day.

  I thought that when my parents were little the world was in black and white because all the pictures of them were black and white.

  We were driving past the hospital once, and my mom said, “That’s where you were born.” I thought she was pointing at the phone booth on the corner, so for the longest time, whenever I saw someone enter a phone booth, I thought they were going to come out with a baby.

  I didn’t understand that grandparents were your parents’ parents. I just thought that every family got nice, old, unrelated couples assigned to them. They would then bring you presents and come to Sunday dinner. All the other kids had them, too, so I figured it was some kind of rule.

  I always got the words pedestrian and Presbyterian confused. I didn’t understand why Presbyterians always had the right of way.

  The term gay demonstration really threw me. I couldn’t picture what that would look like. Like do they really demonstrate it?

  I used to think that all men’s trousers came with change in them.

  Whenever I saw those tiny planes that leave streaks of white in the sky, I thought that it was someone’s job to do that. And that’s what I wanted to do when I grew up; I thought I would revolutionize the field by drawing more creative things in the sky than just straight lines.

  I remember going to the symphony as a child and getting a glimpse of the music on the conductor’s stand. I thought the little marks on the page—the notes—were what showed him how he was supposed to move his arms around.

  1975

  Amy likes Biff Pittman. Last day of fifth grade he gives her note saying he likes her, too. She can’t believe it. She is so happy. Amy + Biff = true love forever.

  1976

  Sixth grade. Biff breaks up with Amy. Confused. Had never thought of the possibility of an ending, concept hadn’t occurred to her, had assumed their link was an unchanging, indefinite thing. Devastated.

  1976

  Learns the word gregarious. Remembers the definition by associating it with her cousin Greg—Greg is Gregarious. From that point on, thinks of the word this way.

  1976

  Goes to Fayva shoe store at corner strip mall and steals leather laces from shoes to make friendship bracelets with Rosalie Press and Anne Rogers. Trio also invents Sensational Club. Girls labor over club name and insignia. Very pleased with results.

  1976

  Ellen comes to work for Krouses. Her hands are weathered and fingers long. Ankles and feet are small for rest of body. Says to Amy, “You’re just as cute as you wanna be.” Plays ball with Joey and Katie in basement. Makes pork chops and creamed corn, and the best popcorn.

  1976

  Plays with friends in cemetery next to entrance to subdivision. Dark, quiet, forbidden, exciting. Feels gravestones, cold and smooth. Finds twenty-dollar bill on path. This is huge sum of money. Keeps it in room, on dresser, in small drawer of wooden decorative box. Keeps it there for years. Scared to even look at drawer—like piece of ghost-filled cemetery here in room—but equally hesitant to spend money.

  1976

  Laverne and Shirley debuts. Amy is immediately troubled by L on Laverne’s clothes. She asks her parents about it; can’t fathom why this woman’s sweaters and dresses have an L. Is told that L stands for Laverne (which Amy knew), that the monogrammed L is her trademark. Amy feels there has to be more to it than that. Someone had decided that Laverne would always wear an L, and this is not a usual thing from what Amy knows about the world so far. Amy is unable to watch Laverne and Shirley show without cursive L getting in the way.

  1976–1983

  Amy wonders why the sign NO STANDEES at front of the bus doesn’t just say NO STANDING.

  1977

  Amy does an aerial cartwheel for first time on lawn on side of her house. She finally succeeds by pretending there is someone spotting her.

  1977

  Amy rides her bike around subdivision with Anne and Rosalie, seems like hours. Talk about getting training bras. Feverish talk. Each girl relieved to hear other two have been thinking same thing.

  1977

  Uses Nair for the first time.

  1977–1980

  Junior high. Amy goes back-to-school shopping with her mother. She tries on clothes, then hands each item to her mother, who hangs it back on hanger, or reverses its inside-out status. Amy believes the new wool sweater, or plaid winter skirt, or corduroys and rugby shirt ensemble will make her look like Phoebe Cates in Seventeen magazine. Amy not able to wait until it becomes cold out, and wears new fall outfits on third day of school. Is hot at recess. By afternoon, seventy-five degrees and sunny; she is very hot and itchy walking home.

  1977

  Amy plays Billy Joel song “Movin’ Out” over and over, trying to decipher and write down exact words. (He works at Mr. Caccitore’s down on some other street … oh, wait, it’s Sullivan Street.)

  Wants to have one song that she will know all the words to, so when it comes on radio she will look cool nonchalantly singing along like Christy Buckin does.

  1978

  Eighth-grade student council elections. Classmate Cliff Norris hangs a huge banner. Amy thinks he is clever and sophisticated. However, message makes her feel unsettled; cements what she has been sensing—unfamiliar terrain ahead, a place with new words and colors. Is scared.

  Similarly, is confused and intimidated by band names like the Who, Dire Straits, Supertramp. Gets ones that are just names—James Taylor, Crosby, Stills & Nash. Non-name bands seem menacing in their incomprehensibility; stand for cooler, more sophisticated world not ready for.

  1979

  Amy begins dating Marc Richman at a bar mitzvah. Their anniversary is March 16. She loves Marc. Together off and on until freshman year of college.

  1979

  Gets her period, on the morning of her fourteenth birthday. Is in bedroom.

  1980

  Second semester freshman year, family moves to Lake Forest. Is livid. Does not talk to parents for a month. But gets good, private bedroom.

  1980

  With onset of puberty, weight emerges as new issue. In Florida for younger cousin’s bar mitzvah, trying on skirt, hard to button, feels tight. Mother seems disapproving, frustrated. Amy feels hefty, especially compared to slim mother. Is instructed to wear panty hose with
outfit—hates the way they cinch waist. Chubby more or less through teen years, with intermittent periods of grapefruit-induced weight loss. Jokes about wanting anorexia; thinks it would be nice in a way, but enjoys eating too much. Boy in high school calls her cute like Pillsbury Dough Boy; laughs it off but comment shakes her. Wonders if one day she will be thin enough that clavicle will jut out like mother’s.

  1980

  Bread album really speaks to her.

  1981

  Sophomore year of high school. Amy shows up at school wearing a gold, twisty forehead band inspired by Olivia Newton-John’s look from album Physical.

  1981

  While mother recovering from surgery in hospital, Amy tells father she’s going to library to study; sneaks to boyfriend’s house. As she’s never been to library before, father suspicious, and drives to library to make sure car is there. Amy comes home to irate father. How could she be so deceitful, and selfish—for God’s sake, mother in hospital. Regrets actions, is punished, is forgiven, but will be years before she fully comprehends scope of transgression.

  1981

  Gets violently sick on whiskey at friend’s party. Never able to drink or smell it again.

  1982

  Amy loses her virginity.

  —End of Childhood—