Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life Read online

  Copyright © 2005 by Amy Krouse Rosenthal

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

  Published by Crown Publishers, New York, New York.

  Member of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc.

  www.crownpublishing.com

  CROWN is a trademark and the Crown colophon is a registered trademark of Random House, Inc.

  Not responsible for lost or stolen property.

  Not responsible for the weather, the moon, or scalding nature of soup.

  Not responsible for the extra s some people add to the word occasion.

  Not responsible for the short, edible window between the banana is not ripe enough and the banana is rotten.

  See this page for permissions credits.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Rosenthal, Amy Krouse.

  Encyclopedia of an ordinary life : volume one / Amy Krouse Rosenthal.—1st ed.

  1. Rosenthal, Amy Krouse. 2. Women—United States—Biography. I. Title.

  CT275.R7855A3 2004

  973.931’02’07—dc22 2004011332

  eISBN: 978-0-307-42065-7

  Not responsible for the lovely ladybug

  or purple iris

  or flirtatious glance

  that was yours to enjoy

  but which you did not notice.

  Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life was written in Chicago at

  Julius Meinl Coffeehouse and Katerina’s Café.

  v3.1_r1

  Reader’s Agreement

  You agree not to reproduce, replicate, or reprint any of the material in this book without our consent. When reading this book, you agree to give it your undivided attention—that means no pretend half-reading while calling and placing an order for Thai takeout. At the end of each page, you agree to thrust your arms upward and emit a loud, staccato Hey! just like circus performers do at the end of each stunt. You agree that, on any given weekend, there are way too many mattress sales. You agree that while black is technically the absence of color, it makes more sense for it to be all the colors combined, and, likewise, that white should be the peaceful, blank absence of color. As for nonfiction and fiction, you agree those should be switched as well; nonfiction should be the non-true one, and fiction, true. You obviously also agree that playwright should be spelled playwrite. You agree that, yes, it is astounding, the human ability to eat at seemingly inappropriate times, like after a funeral, or at a charity luncheon featuring a Holocaust survivor flown in from Amsterdam. You agree to refrain from complaining on Monday about it being Monday, and acknowledging on Thursday that it is almost Friday. You agree to see for yourself just how perfectly this book cues up with Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon and The Wizard of Oz. You agree—because it is just so sad and ridiculous—to refrain from talking on your cell phone while working out at your health club or walking your child into school. You agree to provide us with your Visa number (please include expiration date) and approval to spend up to five hundred dollars on merchandise from the current Anthropologie catalog. You secretly admit that, yeah, your favorite word is your own name—don’t worry, that’s normal; studies have shown that there is an actual physiological response upon hearing your name, that hearing your name releases some sort of happy hormone. This makes sense: Remember when you were a kid and they did roll call? Didn’t you feel good when they got to your name? “Ava?” “Here!” And even now, when you pass someone in the hall at work, don’t you feel a certain tingle when the colleague says, “Hi, Ava,” instead of just “Hi”? You agree that, yes, we all suffer, perhaps even daily and deeply, but who wants to hear it? You agree that some women look sophisticated wearing a shawl, others foolish.

  Yes, I agree to these terms.

  Foreword

  I was not abused, abandoned, or locked up as a child. My parents were not alcoholics, nor were they ever divorced or dead. We did not live in poverty, or in misery, or in an exotic country. I am not a misunderstood genius, a former child celebrity, or the child of a celebrity. I am not a drug addict, sex addict, food addict, or recovered anything. If I indeed had a past life, I have no recollection of who I was.

  I have not survived against all odds.

  I have not lived to tell.

  I have not witnessed the extraordinary.

  This is my story.

  —AMY KROUSE ROSENTHAL, age 39

  Chicago

  June 2004

  Characters

  JASON husband

  JUSTIN older son

  MILES younger son

  PARIS daughter

  CHARISE close friend and collaborator

  The action all takes place in America at the end of the twentieth century, beginning of the twenty-first.

  Contents

  Cover

  Copyright

  Title Page

  Reader’s Agreement

  Foreword

  Characters

  Acknowledgments

  Orientation Almanac

  Evolution of This Moment

  Pause

  Alphabetized Existence

  Permissions

  About the Author

  Acknowledgments

  I would like to thank you for reading this book.

  Publisher’s Note

  We invite you to add your name

  to the list of people who have

  ever read this book and who were

  personally thanked (by e-mail) by

  the author. Click on Thank You at

  encyclopediaofanordinarylife.com.

  World Population

  6.16 billion

  Top CNN Stories 2000–2005

  September 11

  Dot-com bubble burst

  Enron scandal

  Iraq War

  Clinton and Lewinsky

  Harry Potter

  Atkins/Low-Carb

  Gay Marriage

  Countries in Power

  United States

  China

  Russia

  England

  Germany

  Japan

  To Whom Americans Attribute Power

  Movie stars

  Rock stars

  Sports stars

  Rich people

  Major political figures

  Cost of Living Averages

  Stamp

  Pack of gum

  Quart of milk

  Gallon of gas

  Loaf of bread

  Pack of cigarettes

  Movie tickets

  Hardcover book

  Pair of Levi’s

  37¢

  $1.00

  $1.80

  $1.90

  $2.50

  $3.80

  $9.25

  $24.95

  $32.00

  Confirmed Planets

  Mercury

  Venus

  Earth

  Mars

  Jupiter

  Saturn

  Uranus

  Neptune

  Pluto

  Highest-Rated Television Shows

  Super Bowl

  World Series

  NBA Championship

  Academy Awards

  The Sopranos

  American Idol

  Reality-television shows

  What We Call the Other Driver When Angry

  Bitch

  Asshole

  Fucking bitch

  Fucking asshole

  Ways We Exercise

  Jogging


  Biking

  Spin classes

  Treadmill

  Lifting weights

  Pilates

  Yoga

  Common Signs

  Employees Must Wash Hands Before Returning to Work

  Not Responsible for Lost or Stolen Property

  Please Do Not Throw Sanitary Napkins, Tampons, or

  Paper Towels in Toilet

  No Parking

  Pedestrian Crossing

  Beware of Dog

  No Soliciting

  Machines We Own

  Television

  Computer

  Cell phone

  CD player and iPod

  Washing machine and dryer

  Dishwasher

  Coffeemaker

  VCR and DVD player

  Video camera

  Digital camera

  Microwave oven

  Popular Kids’ Names

  Jacob

  Michael

  Matthew

  Joshua

  Christopher

  Nicholas

  Andrew

  Joseph

  Daniel

  Tyler

  Emily

  Hannah

  Madison

  Ashley

  Sarah

  Alexis

  Samantha

  Jessica

  Taylor

  Elizabeth

  Childhood Rhymes

  Eenie Meenie Miney Moe

  Catch a tiger by the toe

  If he hollers let him go

  Eenie Meenie Miney Moe

  I went to a Chinese restaurant

  To buy a loaf of bread,

  He asked me what my name was

  And this is what I said:

  Elvis Presley

  Girls are sexy

  In the bath

  Drinking Pepsi

  Had a baby

  Named her Daisy

  Had another one

  He was crazy

  So this is what I said:

  Supersonic idiotic overloaded disconnected bubble butt.

  We must

  We must

  We must increase our bust

  The bigger the better

  The tighter the sweater

  The boys depend on us

  Most Popular After-School Activities

  Seasonal sports (soccer, football, basketball, baseball)

  Karate, Tae Kwon Do

  Chess

  Dance (ballet, jazz, hip-hop)

  Gymnastics

  Music lessons (piano, violin, guitar, drums)

  Colors of the Rainbow

  Red Orange

  Yellow

  Green

  Blue

  Indigo

  Violet

  Colors of the J. Crew Catalog

  Orchid

  Grape

  Pacific

  Grass

  Ink

  Cantaloupe

  Oasis Lilac

  Sex

  Kissing

  Breasts fondling

  Manual stimulation

  Oral sex

  Penetration

  Excuses

  Kid sick

  Working late

  Baby-sitter canceled

  Car wouldn’t start/in shop

  Stuck in traffic

  Something came up

  How We Answer the Question “How Are You?”

  Good

  Fine

  Stressed out

  Tired

  Great

  Busy

  What We Take to Feel Better

  Advil

  Cigarette (tobacco, marijuana)

  Glass of wine

  A beer

  A cocktail

  Valium

  Prozac

  What We Say When We Bang Our Knee on the Corner of the Table, Burn a Hand on a Hot Skillet, or Get Frustrated Trying to Untangle a Computer Cord

  Shit!

  Fuck!

  Fucking shit!

  Goddamn it!

  Jesus H. Christ!

  Numbers and Codes We All Memorize

  Phone number and home address

  Cell number

  Pager number

  Fax number

  Pin number (cash machine card)

  Social Security number

  E-mail password

  Amazon returning customer password

  Home security system code

  ID number for voice mail

  Acronyms That Are Common But Confusing

  NASDAQ (tech stock index)

  NASCAR (association for race-car drivers)

  ASCAP (society for authors, composers, and publishers)

  NAACP (African-American organization)

  NAPSTER (online music entity)

  NASA (space program)

  NETSCAPE (computer browser)

  NESCAFÉ (coffee company)

  Dialogue as We Pass Coworker in Hall

  Hi. How’re you?

  Good, thanks, you?

  Hey. What’s up?

  Not much. You?

  Letters in Our Alphabet

  Common Slang

  Dude

  What up

  Yo

  Whack

  Sweet

  Bling-bling

  My bad

  Most Frequently Used Words

  Hi

  Bye

  Okay

  No

  Yes

  965

  Sei Shonagon born.

  1965

  One thousand years later AKR born, Chicago, Illinois.

  1965

  Agatha Christie writes the epilogue in her autobiography:

  Long walks are off, and alas, bathing in the sea; fillet steaks and apples and raw blackberries (teeth difficulties) and reading fine print. But there is a great deal left. Operas and concerts, and reading, and the enormous pleasure of dropping into bed and going to sleep, and dreams of every variety.… Almost best of all, sitting in the sun—gently drowsy … And there you are again—remembering. “I remember, I remember, the house where I was born.…”

  1966

  AKR’s first word:

  more.

  1969

  From this point on, draws constantly.

  1975

  Notices and likes certain signs and phrases.

  For example: Billboard for new subdivision going up in her town says GREATEST EARTH ON SHOW. Clicks for her.

  They’ve reversed the circus saying, greatest show on earth … cool.

  And loves this sign at friend’s pool:

  THIS IS OUR OOL.

  NOTICE THERE IS NO P IN IT.

  1976, Card to parents

  Twenty-some years later, gets inordinate pleasure out of creating anniversary card for her parents, Paul and Ann:

  HAPPY (PAUL AND) ANNIVERSARY

  1976

  Discovers Ziggy. Remains an obsession throughout teen years.

  1977

  Paints little Lucite box with words Pop’s Corn, fills it with a bit of popcorn, and gives it to Dad on Father’s Day. Father appropriately responds by keeping it on his bureau for the next twenty-five years.

  1978–1990

  Links new vocabulary words with the person she first heard use them:

  Father: Integrity

  Jeff: Nefarious

  Peter: Industrious

  1982

  English teacher, Mrs. Lowey, instructs class to keep a journal.

  Summer 1984

  Gets job at popcorn shop painting decorative tins as gifts.

  Boss tells her she is good at coming up with timely, sellable ideas (like painting the phrase Girls Just Want to Have Fun and the Ghostbusters logo) but that her work is messy, poorly painted. She agrees, but doesn’t like the executing, just the idea part of it.

  1985

  Tries to write fiction in creative writing class in college. Keeps writing the truth, stuff that actually happened. Teacher says make things up. Ultimately, alters her
assignments and is supportive.

  1986

  Journal from year in Paris:

  I think 90 percent of what/who we are is never really verbally communicated.…

  I like to write things down—moments, memories, lists, quotes, thoughts. Compulsively sometimes.

  I need to gather all the thoughts that are locked in my head and put them on paper. Will my memory ever fail me? Maybe that’s the precaution I’m taking.

  1986

  During summer internship at ad agency, boss gives pivotal three-word critique of her research-related writing:

  Express vs. Impress.

  July 9, 1987

  From journal:

  Mom thinks I’ll be a writer someday.

  1987

  Worries about mastering the segue. Is there a kind of writing where each paragraph does not drift fluidly and seamlessly into the next?

  July 20, 1987

  Tells manager at Baker’s Square that restaurant’s sign shouldn’t be round.

  1988–1997

  Lands job as advertising copywriter.

  Loves distillation of ideas, concise writing, short attention span compatibility.

  Job pretty much a blast.

  Upon meeting for first time, boss Jeff tells her, You don’t look like a writer.

  Sees that the word Levi’s is in the word television …

  Tries unsuccessfully to sell campaign around the tagline

  Levi’s have always been a part of television with clips of famous

  TV characters wearing Levi’s.

  Thinks her client Kraft should do something called

  The Krafterschool Special, à la the special after-school movies that aired in the seventies.

  Goes nowhere.

  1989

  Reads The Day I Became an Autodidact, by Kendall Hailey.

  Writes author and receives letter back. Thus begins Pavlovian habit of writing earnest letters to authors whose work has moved her, a fact that embarrasses her later when she comes to think of it.

  Drawn to charts, signage, unusual formats for writing.

  Produces items for her own amusement.

  Discovers word-oriented artists Barbara Kruger, Jenny Holzer, and later Stephanie Brooks.