Christmas Goes Camo Read online

  A Total-E-Bound Publication

  www.total-e-bound.com

  Christmas Goes Camo Anthology

  ISBN # 978-0-85715-366-1

  Trapped by Ice ©Copyright Allie Standifer 2010

  Tempered by Ice ©Copyright Brenna Zinn 2010

  Melting the Ice ©Copyright Desiree Holt 2010

  Cover Art by Lyn Taylor ©Copyright December 2010

  Edited by Rebecca Hill

  Total-E-Bound Publishing

  This is a work of fiction. All characters, places and events are from the author’s imagination and should not be confused with fact. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, events or places is purely coincidental.

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form, whether by printing, photocopying, scanning or otherwise without the written permission of the publisher, Total-E-Bound Publishing.

  Applications should be addressed in the first instance, in writing, to Total-E-Bound Publishing. Unauthorised or restricted acts in relation to this publication may result in civil proceedings and/or criminal prosecution.

  The author and illustrator have asserted their respective rights under the Copyright Designs and Patents Acts 1988 (as amended) to be identified as the author of this book and illustrator of the artwork.

  Published in 2010 by Total-E-Bound Publishing, Think Tank,

  Ruston Way

  , Lincoln, LN6 7FL, United Kingdom

  .

  Warning: This book contains sexually explicit content which is only suitable for mature readers. This story has been rated Total-e-melting.

  CHRISTMAS GOES CAMO ANTHOLOGY

  Trapped by Ice

  Allie Standifer

  Tempered by Ice

  Brenna Zinn

  Melting the Ice

  Desiree Holt

  TRAPPED BY ICE

  Allie Standifer

  Dedication

  This one’s for Brenna & Desiree:

  Thanks for joining me on this journey. I’ve had a blast getting lost with the two of you and I really can’t wait to do it again. The Vinions need a happily ever after too.

  Allie

  Trademarks Acknowledgement

  The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of the following wordmarks mentioned in this work of fiction:

  Wii: Nintendo of America Inc.

  Popsicle: Unilever Supply Chain, Inc.

  Chapter One

  White ground beneath his Mickey’s, white flakes in front of his face—white, white, white as far as the eye could see. Teague Jester despised the soft flaky substance. Give him a warm beach and hot sun any day. Too bad his orders demanded he freeze his ass off in the middle of an Antarctic blizzard. Five minutes or five hours ago, time had stopped meaning anything once the winter storm hit. He’d lost communication with his two other team members. All were military trained, shot full of the same experimental drug developed by Doctor Axel Cole. Thermavan maintained the body’s temperature at ninety-eight point seven, or at least that’s what the good doctor hoped. They were all guinea pigs for the drug. According to Axel, the only side affect so far—a heightened sex drive.

  While he forced his extreme cold weather white boots, otherwise known as Mickey’s, through the calf-deep snow, Teague could admit, at least to himself, he should have paid more attention to Axel’s warnings. Scoffing at the man’s cautious nature, Teague had ignored the lecture. No man with any sense of self-preservation would get a hard-on in the middle of an ice cube. The tenting of his thermal underwear, and Arctic parka and pants, made a liar out of him. His cock wanted to fuck. Even with the risk of frostbite to his favourite body part, the stupid organ wanted out. He looked down, and frowned. “Not going to happen, buddy. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.” Great, he’d sunk so low he was talking to his penis.

  Teague needed to get his bearings, set up a temporary shelter and keep trying to reach his two other team members. How the hell experienced, combat-trained military soldiers managed to get separated, he’d never understand. The parachute drop had been routine, as had the repacking of equipment and communications testing. One minute they walked as a cohesive group in standard formation, and the next Teague stood alone in a nightmare of white. His throat mic had stopped working, the GPS attached to his wrist bouncing the needle so much he couldn’t tell shit. Grateful the medication seemed to work at least half the time, Teague forced himself to stop. Snow blindness meant he could be two steps from the frozen ocean and not know it until the icy water closed over his head. Time to play it smart.

  * * * *

  The snowball in her hand glowed bright red before Kendil Jolly sent it crashing to the ground.

  “I’m a B.E.L.L.,” she cried out to the mass of swirling storm. “I’ve been promoted to head of the South Station toy production. Where does it say I have to spy on soldiers too stupid to get out of the snow?”

  Granted, B.E.L.L.S. did stand for Battle Elves trained in Logic warfare and Land defence Scouts. Kendil was trained to fight other magical beings, not human warriors. Those creatures were unpredictable and lacked any magical ability. Give her a good, old-fashioned fight with the Easter Bunny or Cupid, and she’d be there. Fighting mortals…that felt too much like taking candy canes from hairy, overgrown, not-so-smart babies.

  “Watch the humans, Kendil. Keep them away from any possible sites, Kendil.” She kicked the snow and stopped to admire her new footwear. Pink, faux-leather boots with their four-inch heels looked sexy against the white background. They matched her pink, fur-trimmed cat suit perfectly. Too bad the only things out here to admire her stunning fashion sense were the penguins and humans. After dropping her perfectly shod foot, Kendil continued her mutterings. “Don’t let them die, Kendil. Don’t lead them onto a loose iceberg, Kendil.” Accidently set a human adrift once in three hundred years and no one lets you forget it.

  A snowball formed in front of her face, but Kendil didn’t want to hear any more lectures. She wanted to scout for the new Toyland location, keep the big babies from falling into the chilly water, then get home before the reindeer games started. She had big money riding on Dasher this year.

  With a quick swipe of her hand, Kendil dissolved the communication ball. She kicked her way through the soft, fluffy powder and wondered what to do with any humans she found. Since the ice flow idea had been vetoed, maybe she could put them on the cliffside, warn them not to move, finish up her real work then get them back to their base.

  Really, what good were humans, anyway? Granted, some of the more creative ones had invented the Wii, which she loved. Currently, she held rock goddess title among all the elves. Except now that she was stuck caring for and babysitting the humans, those tricky flower elves would do anything to take the title away from her.

  So humans had their uses, but sticking their fragile, big butts on the South Pole made her temper rise. Only humans could be so asinine and full of themselves to think they’d make it out alive And for a training exercise of all things.

  What would the goofy beings think of next?

  If Kendil had her way, she’d dump them all back where they came from, terrified of the South Pole and everything related to it.

  “Sounds good to me.” Her pink shod foot swung forwards in anticipation, and the pointed toe of her boot stabbed into something soft and mushy in some places and hard in others.

  “Sugar cookies,” she cried out, jumping up and down on one leg while holding her wounded foot. “Demented humans!” Only those silly creatures would be foolish and lazy enough to leave their rubbish in the middle of the Antarctic desert. She’d be more than happy to return their rubbish personally. Mortals seem
ed to always do their best to destroy the gifts Mother Nature bestowed on them. Leaning down for a closer inspection, Kendil gasped in amazement and released her injured leg.

  “A human,” she said covering her mouth in shock. “Who would have thought I’d find one so easily.”

  Kneeling in the snow to get a better look, she laughed. “He looks like a deranged polar bear.” With an unusual scarf wrapped around his head, big puffy white leggings and coat, he truly did resemble one of the native bears near her home.

  “Hello?” Kendil poked a sparkling, pink-painted finger into his chest. “Are you alive, human?” If it was dead, did she have to care for it any longer? Could anyone blame her for its demise? If a human died in the Antarctic would anyone really care? Would it still be her responsibility if the thing died out here?

  Decisions, decisions…

  Biting her bottom lip, Kendil stared hard at the creature before her and wondered what to do. As an elf, cold weather never bothered her. She enjoyed dancing naked in blizzards, swimming with the seals, diving off ice sheets to hunt with the whales. Magic made her immune, so for the first time in a long time she felt lost and unsure. How did one handle an unconscious human? Why didn’t they come with manuals like the twinkle lights surrounding her home? A few simple instructions would come in handy right about now.

  Resigned and feeling resentful because of it, Kendil expended a bit of magic to form a communication snowball. If anyone knew what to do with a possibly dead mortal, her best friend would. Hadn’t Tash fucked one into a coma last year? Given the details the other elf had shared, Kendil had had a few naughty fantasies about riding a human male until he cried Santa.

  Things never worked that way in her experience. The way her luck ran, this human would look like the back end of a moose and probably smell just as bad.

  “Cookies in a tin,” she muttered, and finished building her communication ball.

  As she directed the magic to contact Tasha, she wondered if her friend had had better luck finding a possible location for Santa’s new shop, or if she’d run into anymore of these pesky humans?

  “Hey, Tash, set any deer butts on fire today?” she asked as soon as her friend’s face showed in the glittering snow. So far Kendil’s day had been spent looking for lost humans. Then possibly killing the first one she’d found. The darn things were so breakable. Someone should have stamped fragile on their shiny behinds a long time ago.

  “Bite me, Ken.”

  “Maybe later.” Kendil looked down at the still figure at her pink-booted feet. “Hey, how do you tell if a human’s dead?”

  Tasha’s exotic face paled while her pretty green eyes narrowed in accusation. Her friend huffed out an exaggerated sigh of patience. “Tell me you did not plunk another mortal on an iceberg?”

  “Are we really going to do this? ‘Cause I have a whole list of things. I can start with last year’s hide the candy cane with that human scientist.”

  “I was helping him,” her friend protested while a rosy blush stained her cheeks. “He could have died without me.”

  “I wish someone would help me out like that.” Oh boy, how she wished someone would help themselves to her, over and over again. Preferably on a bed, with peppermint sauce involved.

  Tasha’s sigh of defeat wavered over the magical link. “Blackmail is such an ugly thing.”

  “Yep, which is why I hate doing it to one of my favourite people.” Kendil assured her.

  “So did you or did you not kill the human?”

  Humour leaked into the other elf’s tone and Kendil fought not to squirm with embarrassment.

  Kendil angled her head, looking down on the lumpy figure already half-buried in ice and snow. Gingerly she poked her boot tip into what she thought might be the side. “Not really sure, I accidentally ran into him. Think my boot might have killed him?”

  Long copper hair swirled around Tasha’s face as the wind picked up. “I doubt you’ve done any permanent damage. Get him some place dry and warm. Then get any wet garments off him before you really do some permanent damage.”

  “A human…naked?” she asked, looking over the prone male. She’d seen better specimens on late-night satellite TV.

  “Or you can hang out in the open, wait for Cupid’s Vinions to find you. Those bubble-headed bimbos would have a blast shooting your wide load full of arrows.”

  Kendil didn’t take offence. She’d said much worse after a few bottles of Mistletoe Wine. “Great, I’ll figure something out. You done for the day?”

  “As soon as I get rid of Reggie,” her friend informed her. “I was having such a good day too. I found the perfect site to set up our new shop.”

  Kendil moaned in sympathy. Reggie acted like a bull moose in heat and pretty much looked like one, too. “Good luck with that. Let me know if I can help.”

  Tasha shook her mane of curls, a small smile dancing over her lips. “I can handle things on my end, but I have a feeling your night’s just getting started.”

  * * * *

  He had to be dreaming. No reality Teague knew of included a roaring fire surrounded by ice, and a beautiful, half-naked woman dancing around in front of him.

  “Jingle my bells, jingle my bells, jingle me all the way,” she sang. Long ropes of silver curls swayed with her fluid movements.

  Teague really wished she’d let him jingle her a time or two. He licked his dry lips at the thought and ice blue eyes darted in his direction.

  A wide smile broke across her lips. “Oh, thank the Toymaker, I didn’t kill you, mortal.” Her nicely curved frame closed the distance between them until she knelt at his side. “It’s your own fault really,” she accused with a soft, lilting accent he couldn’t quite place. “You are so…not made well.”

  Teague jolted at her words. What the hell? He worked out daily to keep his body in fighting condition. “How the fuck would you know?” The words didn’t come out nearly as threatening at he’d intended. “I’ll have you know it’s a scientific fact that cold weather is not a man’s best friend. There are certain shrinkage issues when the temp drops.”

  Pale blue eyes flashed a ‘duh’ look at him. “Check under your blanket, genius. Think you had enough smarts to get naked by yourself?”

  With steady hands, Teague pulled up the soft, red and green throw covering him. Sure enough, everything hung out there. Well, except for the part of him that went straight up. Wait until he got his hands on that damn Axel. Occasional erections his ass.

  “I will say this, you are extremely well developed in that area.” She smiled and patted his well-developed area.

  Teague jerked his head up to find the strange woman checking out his goods with him. “Hey,” he protested and pulled the covers modestly up to his chin. “There are some things that should remain private.”

  “Why?” Mesmerising eyes looked at him with confusion.

  His mouth dropped open as his hands clenched defensively around his only source of modesty. “Woman, why am I here? And where is here?”

  Obliviously giving up, at least for now, she sank back on her pink leather-clad heels and gave him an irritated look. “I saved your life.”

  Didn’t she sound thrilled with her actions, Teague thought sarcastically.

  “Ah, didn’t you just praise a toy that you didn’t kill me?”

  Seriously, only he would get stuck in the middle of nowhere with the world’s hottest woman only to find out she was a few bullets short of a full load. Damn shame, too, but he made a point never to mess with the riders of short buses. They got damn mean when you pissed them off. This one didn’t look to be any exception.

  “Phft.” She dismissed his words. “I stumbled across you, completely different situation. Now that you’re not dead, you need to leave, mortal. So goodbye and don’t let a Vinion’s arrow hit you in the ass on the way out.”

  Oh yeah, she played for the slow team down the lane. Nothing out of her mouth so far made sense. Maybe he should be the one worried about her medical
condition?

  “Have you been out here long?” Teague made sure his voice sounded calm and easy. No sense in riling up any other personalities she may have.

  She buffed her perfectly manicured pink nails along her matching cat suit. “Oh, not too long. Reindeer are great fliers, but their landings need work, which turned out to be lucky for you. I should have landed six miles east of here, but Comet is directionally challenged.” She stood in one sexy, fluid movement as her words flew out. The woman wanted to vent and from where he lay, the view couldn’t be better. Even if she didn’t have a cuckoo in her clock.

  “And to think I went all the way down to Fairbanks to buy that walking jerky a portable GPS unit for Christmas last year. You’d think he’d be grateful, but noooo, he tried to antler me where the sun don’t shine. Last time I try to play nice with a flea motel.”

  “Is there a hospital with bouncy, soft walls missing you? Or nice men with little cups full of pretty-coloured pills?”

  She stopped her pacing to stare at him, as if he was the one with a missing link. “Mortal, you say the weirdest things.”

  “Stop calling me that.”

  “Why?”

  “Why? Because it’s annoying. What if I started calling you loose screw?”

  A perfectly shaped shoulder shrugged in a careless gesture. “Why should I care what you call me? You’d be dead, just like that.” She snapped her fingers together and Teague felt a shiver of fear.

  “You’re not planning on sewing my skin and wearing it like another outfit, are you? I hate to tell you, but I’m not a one-size-fits-all type of guy. My body is specially made for me alone. No resale value at all.” He edged away from where she stood staring at him as if he’d grown a second head.