Finding Us Read online

  “No I haven’t,” I protested.

  “You stay locked up in your room almost all the time.”

  “Mom, I do my online courses and work from home! My bedroom is also my office.” I was still lying to my mom. Only Livie knew the truth—that I’d quit school—and even that was only a partial truth. It was official. I was lying to everybody.

  “I know, but your job was supposed to be temporary. You should be concentrating on your university studies. Every woman needs to have her degree,” she said seriously. “I think, at this point, that processing legal papers is a waste of your time. If you want to be an editor, you need the degree.”

  “I know, Mom.” I was about to get tongue tied and was hoping the conversation would end fast.

  “If you ask me,” my mom started—So much for it ending fast. I had to make a conscious effort not to roll my eyes—“I think you should go live on campus like Sam and Will are doing.”

  “Now you’re trying to get rid of me.”

  “I’m not trying to get rid of you, Julia. I love you! I just think you’re letting life pass you by. You’re young, beautiful and intelligent and, damn it, you deserve to have some fun.”

  “I’m having fun!” I retorted.

  “Baby, you hardly even go out anymore … even with your brothers.”

  You wouldn’t go out either if you had to watch the guy you love flirt with every moving female within a fifty mile radius except for you!

  “I know none of your other friends are like Livie.”

  “You’re right, Mom, none of them are. And the only one that even came close just went to get settled for school in Florida. Look, how about if I promise to think about transferring to the University of Washington? Seattle is great and I’d be on the same campus as Sam and Will. Would that make things copasetic?”

  “Yes, I like that.”

  “Good.” I smiled brightly. That hadn’t been so bad. I stood and looped my fingers through the handle of my cup to head back up to my room.

  “Not done,” she said plainly.

  Of course not. I sat back down.

  “Nate is never going to make the first move.”

  Arrow to the soul. “Mom!”

  “Just hear me out,” she continued as she captured my eyes for emphasis. “He’s shy.”

  “He’s not shy with the other girls he’s been with!” I spouted bitterly. He has no problem there!

  “Because he didn’t care about any of them.”

  “That doesn’t make sense,” I growled into my drink.

  “Nate has a self-esteem problem.”

  I looked at her with a crooked expression of disbelief. “Nathaniel Morrisey could have any girl on the planet if he wanted her, so I’m not buying your ‘self-esteem’ theory. If he wanted me, he’d do something about it. The thing I really need to do is just get a life apart from him and stop dreaming.”

  “I think you’re wrong, but you’re going to have to approach him if you want anything to happen,” she challenged.

  “No way! I’ve done everything I can think of to get that boy’s attention and he just won’t turn his head to notice me … but he can sure turn his head in other girls’ directions. I’m not his type and I have to get over that.” I couldn’t breathe just thinking about letting him go from my heart, but what the hell else was I going to do?

  My mom sighed deeply. “I’m just saying, his mom left them when he was little and his dad …”

  “I know,” I answered more softly. Dillon Morrisey, Nate and Livie’s dad had been put in prison for assaulting the two of them last year. “Remember, I played Florence Nightingale when his shoulder was shattered.” I’d thought for sure he’d have opened up to me then, but nope, Nate had held it all in. He’d never talked to anyone about it as far as I knew—not even my brother Caleb.

  “Even though he seems to have pushed through it, I’m pretty sure he’s just pushed it down deeper inside of him. I can’t imagine how embarrassed and hurt he is by it. It’s unthinkable, Julia, to have a parent abuse you.”

  “What can I do about it, Mom? He’s barely talked to me since the wedding.” That was a month ago, and I saw him almost every day! I couldn’t keep the pain from my face.

  After last year when we went as a group to Wild’s, I’d seen a change in the way Nate acted towards me. When he came in off the ranch alone or came into work early, he started paying attention to me in ways he never had before. We began having long talks about all kinds of things and often times I’d make him lunch or we’d walk out to the fields together. The walls that had been so tangible between us before were coming down. When no one else was around I could have sworn he was even flirting with me—he’d find little excuses to touch me, like putting his hand on my arm or back, and he’d also become playful in a way I’d never seen him before with any girl—wrestling me for a spoon or an extra handful of chips.

  It became more than friendly, it had bordered on the intimate. The incident that I played over and over again in my heart was the time when we’d been out in the barn looking over some of the new horse stock; one of the horses nudged me and nibbled on my hair with his lips, sending tickles through my shoulders and down my back. I laughed and so did Nate. Then, almost subconsciously so it seemed, without any hesitation, Nate stepped closer—so close we were within kissing distance. I could feel his breath against my skin and got captured in the expression in his eyes. He reached out and gently smoothed my hair back down with one hand and, with the other, set a stray piece behind my ear. I knew he was going to kiss me, and I held my breath anticipating it. But then he blinked and backed away.

  I thought for certain we were both feeling the same way, and that it was only a matter of time before something happened between us, but then his father busted him up terribly, and I knew much more than his shoulder was shattered. For a month after Nate had undergone the surgery to repair the physical damage, I cooked, shopped, cleaned and cared for him. I spent a lot of time in his little apartment and it had only made my feelings stronger. Sometimes I’d catch him looking at me and I’d swear there was something more than friendship in his eyes. But a part of him had closed off, and soon enough he became distant, then cold and, after the wedding, he shut me out completely. It was like I didn’t exist. He hardly even looked at me anymore. Hell, we’d barely spoken at all.

  My mom shook her head slowly and sadly. “I’m not sure what you can do, baby.” She pressed her lips together in thought then said, “I think you should either make the first move or move on.”

  I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

  “Did you notice that, before the wedding, when Ryan was new on the ranch team and you guys went out a few times, Nate stopped dating altogether?”

  “Yeah, Mom, I noticed. But what does it mean? How did it affect our relationship? Oh, yeah, it didn’t … because there is no relationship!” Bitterness coated each word thickly. Now stupid tears threatened.

  She nodded and set her hand on top of mine. “I know it’s hard, but if you’re not willing to put your own neck on the block, you need to get over Nate and let these feelings for him become a memory, because I’m pretty sure you’re both trapped in them and neither of you are seeing a way out of it.” She sighed. “Still, I’d hate to see you give up on him without even trying. He’s a good boy, and I can see that you both want something more.” My mom reached over and took my hand. “But, Jules, understand this, he’s been hurt badly, and pain makes even the most gentle creature act wild. That boy is going to need someone to hold on to him and not let go.”

  As the first tears filled my eyes, the door swooshed open and a ruckus that was the ranch team burst into the foyer. They were fighting about their best competitors and whether or not they thought they could beat them in the upcoming rodeo finals in Edmonton. Nate’s voice rang out clearly in the midst of the others. My mom quickly handed me a napkin, and I swiped at my eyes. I was about to bolt out of the kitchen, but I didn’t have the chance because they filed
in quickly. Their Carhartts were covered in dust and dirt, and they brought with them the scent of the outside air.

  And there he was. He stood a head taller than the rest, big and strong; out of the group, only my brother Caleb would have been able to give him a run for his money. And there came that feeling in the pit of my stomach, the one that simultaneously shouted LOOK! and RUN! at the top of its lungs.

  Just kill me already. This misery was the worst slow death ever.

  “I’m going to kick Bobby Ray’s ass all the way back to Texas!” Nate was shouting above the din.

  Caleb slapped Nate hard in the back as they rounded into the kitchen. “Fuck, yeah you are!”

  They all froze when they saw Mom. I stifled a laugh at the expressions on their faces.

  “I’m so sorry, Mrs. N.,” Nate was the first to say.

  “I’m very sorry, Mom.” Caleb swallowed hard; he had used the dreaded f-bomb.

  I loved when huge, adult men could be totally cowed by their respect for a woman or a mom.

  “Alright, alright,” our mom said, waving it off. “How are you boys doing?”

  “Excellent. Thank you, ma’am,” Ryan said, full of charm. He smiled at me. “Miss Julia,” he said tipping his cowboy hat at me.

  “Hi, Ryan,” I replied.

  But my eyes shifted on autopilot to Nate, who I caught looking at me. He had a concerned look on his face, and I wondered if he’d sensed the mood in the room or maybe even seen the glossiness of my eyes. I couldn’t tell for sure, though, because I only got a glimpse before he looked away and opened the fridge. I looked back at my mom, wondering if she’d caught it too.

  “So when do you go?” She was still talking to the crew.

  “We leave Thursday. Rodeos start Friday and end Tuesday,” Caleb answered. “I thought you knew. Aren’t you and Dad coming up?”

  “No, Dad and I are meeting some handlers and trainers in Oklahoma. Sorry.” She thought for half a second. “But I know for a fact Julia here needs a break from all the slave work she’s been doing this summer, so you make sure you bring her with you, Caleb.” She smiled at me brightly. “Mom’s orders.”

  Thanks, Mom. I falsely grinned back, showing all my teeth.

  Ryan’s smile grew huge, while Nate scowled deeply.

  Perfect. I couldn’t wait for Thursday.

  Chapter 2

  “All We’d Ever Need”

  Lady Antebellum

  My mom made sure I was snugly seat belted into the front seat of Caleb’s truck. I was sandwiched between Caleb and Ryan.

  I watched as Nate’s truck pulled out ahead, carrying him, Travis, Griffin and our cousin Charlie. Nate and Caleb’s Rams were damn near identical, same make, model and year and customized to the hilt, but Caleb’s was blue with white racing stripes while Nate’s was metallic black; each boasted huge tires, roll bars, specialty lights and sweet detailing.

  The speakers were blasting Led Zeppelin’s “Rock N’ Roll” and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to be in the other frigging truck. It was all too easy to imagine Nate’s hard, warm leg covered in soft, weathered denim against my leg. Wouldn’t have mattered, neither of us would have done anything about it, but I still would have liked it. Damn, I needed some serious support. I missed Livie.

  I thought about Jake’s homecoming party, when Livie had done such a kickass job playing the truth or dare drinking game. I felt a smile curve my lips. It made me happy to think about her like that, how we were when we were together, raising hell. She always knew what to do.

  “Six hours to Saskatoon, so get comfortable, kids,” Caleb said, more than happily. I knew why too—Piper Morgan lived in Saskatoon. Caleb had met her six months ago at a rodeo in Calgary. She’d competed in ladies barrel racing and they’d hit it off immediately. Mostly their relationship was long distance, with lots of phone calls and Skype sessions, but after six months they were both definitely needing more face time.

  “How is Piper?” I asked.

  “Amazing and awesome, like no other woman on earth,” he crooned.

  He was so sweet on her! “Will she be competing as a finalist?”

  He flashed a huge smile and his eyes lit up. “Yes, she is. Barrel racing. She’s number one in her class,” he bragged.

  “Casanova here has been thinking about—” Ryan started.

  Caleb cut him off, serious but good natured at the same time. “Careful, Ryan, you won’t qualify to ride with a broken limb.”

  “Oh my God! Now I have to know!” I pried like a good sister should.

  “Nothing yet, honest.” Caleb was grinning like the Cheshire cat. “She’s in grad school at Calgary. But maybe once she’s graduated, she and I can spend more time together.”

  “As in live together,” Ryan semi-whispered to me.

  Caleb reached over me to whack him in the chest.

  “Wow! Big brother, I thought you were the unapologetic bachelor?” I teased.

  “Piper’s pretty damn fantastic,” he mused then looked at me from the corner of his eye. “Don’t give me that look, Jules. I’m not sure if I’m ready to make any bigger commitments yet.”

  I almost laughed when he couldn’t keep the grin off his face. I couldn’t imagine Caleb that seriously attached—he enjoyed his freedom way too much—but right now his expression told a whole ’nother story.

  “Sweet Home Alabama” came onto the radio. Caleb instantly cranked it up and said, “How about we have some fun?” With that, his foot hit the gas pedal and the engine growled like a dragon ready to fly. We took off like a shot and tore past Nate like a burst of wind.

  “Just be careful of eighteen wheelers,” I cautioned as if I meant it.

  “Yes, Mom,” he quipped with a laugh.

  I laughed back. The wind rushed through the cab, throwing my long hair around my face. Instinctively, I started to turn in my seat to look out the back window and catch Nate’s expression, but was stopped short when I saw how Ryan was watching me.

  “Got a little wild side to ya, huh?” He smiled with a cocked eyebrow.

  When I felt comfortable? Yeah I did.

  “Sometimes I let my evil twin come out and play.” I had meant to say it a lot more confidently than it sounded coming out of my mouth.

  Ryan hadn’t seemed to notice. In fact, I felt his leg pressing a little more firmly against mine now, and I wondered if it was deliberate.

  Before I could think on that, Nate’s truck streaked by like the flash of a lightning bolt.

  “Now whatcha gonna do, hot shot?” I challenged my brother.

  He gave me a sideways grin, settled his Denver Broncos cap onto his head and ramped up the RPMs.

  We raced, passing each other time and time again, while the sun and wind and music streamed through the open windows until we reached the Canadian border.

  Once in the land of maple syrup and hockey, the guys started talking about rodeo competitions and competitors’ stats and stuff like that. I mentally checked out, grabbing my Kindle and reading until we reached the motel in Saskatoon.

  “I’ll be seeing you losers later.” Caleb was off with a wink. We had all just checked in, and he was biting at the bit to see Piper.

  We’d taken up five rooms on the second floor. Thankfully the place was pretty empty because the guys were creating an uproar already and we’d only been here twenty minutes.

  I set my travel pack and laptop on my bed and then walked out the door to lean over the railing and wave goodbye to Caleb, who was already pulling out of the lot.

  “We’re headed to the Double Deuce. Which of you ladies are coming?” Charlie asked while brushing his teeth, spraying toothpaste from his mouth. He was leaning his half naked body out of the hotel room door with only a towel to cover his ass and manly parts. He was obviously hoping to get some action tonight, having showered so fast.

  “Get out of the way, you idgit.” Travis pushed past him, lighting a cigarette. “Fucking non-smoking room. Great joke, Charlie,” he sai
d and punched him in the arm.

  “You can get your own room,” Charlie laughed back. “In fact I’d prefer it.”

  “Whatever,” Travis grumbled. “Hurry up or we’ll miss happy hour.”

  Charlie, Travis, Ryan and Griffin all lived on a ranch hand’s budget, so they were bunking up. As shareholders, Caleb and Nate each had their own room … and, of course, so did I.

  All of our doors were opened now and everyone was shouting to each other.

  “I’m just changing my shirt,” called out Griffin. He had a girl back home. “I’m starving!”

  “This place serves food right?” Ryan shouted out.

  “Yeah, they have food,” Travis answered. “Damn! Nate wouldn’t let me smoke in his fucking truck,” he grumbled then exhaled a stream of blue white smoke. “I’ve been jonesing for hours.”

  Griffin laughed and joined us outside. “He’s trying to quit, douche-biscuit.”

  “Hey, Julia, are you coming too?” Ryan asked.

  I was hungry … but was I really prepared to watch the squadron of girls who’d be hitting on this group of gorgeous, ready-for-action guys? And most especially Nate?

  Think of the devil. He came out of his room, freshly showered and changed. He was now in black jeans and a burgundy shirt, and his raven black hair was freshly towel-dried. 6’3 and 198 pounds of pure muscular sex appeal.

  “You should come, Jules, they have good food and you must be starving.”

  My mouth wouldn’t work. The last thing I’d expected was for him to want me to come along. I nodded, swallowed and finally said, “Sounds good.”

  I just loved being as transparent as tape.

  I was already in nice travel clothes. I had known Nate would be in the next truck over and anything could happen, so I wore my faded bootcut jeans with my tan and pink cowboy boots. I used my hands to smooth down any wrinkles in the form-fitting, pink plaid, button up blouse I was wearing. I thought about what I looked like: 5’6 with curves like an L.A. freeway. I definitely wasn’t built like a stick but I was comfortable with my body.